In Which I Review Dracula (1x10)

"I live in the darkness, but yearn for the light" 

So sayeth Dracula in our season (most likely series) finale of one of the most gloriously horrible (or horribly glorious?) shows of the TV season. Honestly, this show was so utterly pointless that I'm not sure what NBC was thinking when they bought the pilot. Were they hoping JRM's brooding stare and gravely accent would be enough to entice viewers? 10 episodes, very little character development, and the most nonsensical plot I have ever attempted to keep up with and it ended with a literal explosion. I could explain LOST better than I could explain Dracula. And for the first 58 minutes of the final episode, "Let There Be Light," the writers of the show seemed to understand that this was their last hurrah. They tied up the story as neatly as one could when one has created such a disaster. The characters either died or got what they ultimately wanted. But then in the last two minutes of the show it was as if the writers thought, "Who knows. Maybe we'll get renewed?" and tacked on a total cliffhanger for giggles. Because this show has never been about plot (I'm convinced there isn't one) but about character, let's do something different. How did this show end the characters we've come to deride and loathe? 

Character: Abraham Van Helsing
Status: Manic and Vengeful
Ended: How exactly did Van Helsing go from competent medical man to raving lunatic? I don't get his character arc (new drinking game: take a shot every time I write "I don't understand"). When we left him last week, he had kidnapped Monty's (Browning?) kids and held them hostage. For reasons? Yes, the Order of the Dragon killed his wife and children but hurting kids shouldn't be your solution. This week, still fed up with Dracula's attempt to take down the Order with magical coolant (I sympathize), Van Helsing decided to do two things. First, he chopped off the finger of one of the kids, then pumped them full of Dracula's blood. Which naturally resulted in the poor kids being turned into little Vamps. Once Browning found Van Helsing it was only a matter of time before Van Helsing got his final piece of revenge--feeding Browning to his kids. His mania only increased, resulting in a bizarre faux artsy sequence in which Van Helsing burned papers, threw jars of bright sparkly sand (I couldn't make this up if I tried), and danced to a waltz by himself. And for some reason, having got his revenge, he isn't satisfied. He decides that he needs to go after Dracula--hurt him where it counts. Which brings us to....

Character: Renfield
Status: Dead
Ended: WHY? Why would you go and kill the one semi-decent person on this show? It's the day of Dracula's big light show (wut?) and Van Helsing is missing, having lost his marbles. Renfield demands to know where Van Helsing has been and what he has done. Van Helsing, officially off the ranch, takes a knife and STABS Renfield in the gut. And the worst part? No one notices! Shouldn't Dracula wonder where his clever manservant is? Shouldn't he notice that his right hand man is no where to be seen, that he never made it to the great light show? But no. Dracula is too busy making eyes at Mina (like always). RIP Renfield.
 
Character: Lady Jayne "Ninja"
Status: Dead
Ended:  Lady Jayne has assembled an entire retinue of hunters, including the mysterious Sicilian, who shows up with the world's dumbest glasses. Seriously, what were those?? Oh, he also brought the blood of Christ. What? You don't have that on hand? The hunters have one job: kill vampires (duh) using the blood of Christ. Ninja doesn't even go out with them; her job is to sit in a room with the Sicilian and watch him orgasm-out (I'm not kidding. Go watch the scene and YOU tell me how it came across) locations of vampires. And conveniently enough, the Sicilian gasps out that Grayson is a Vampire--in fact he's Dracula. Ninja takes this in stride because "I knew it all along." Of course you did. Ninja's only task is to take down Dracula, whom she finds and fights to no avail. Dracula tells her to walk away, that he doesn't want to kill her or hurt her. He just wants to live in the light with Mina. When Ninja refuses to back down, he throws her against a stake and dies. But not before they can have one final (super) long conversation about death and life. Dracula decides to be merciful and drain Ninja so she doesn't suffer. Am I supposed to be impressed by his compassion? I would be if he had ever been shown to be a real threat. But Dracula only ever fed or killed on people who were cruel or mean to him first. Not saying that makes it right, but where was the cold blooded killer who tortured for the fun of it? His merciful killing of Ninja is just another reminder that we're not really watching Dracula as conceived of by Stoker.

Character: Lucy
Status: Undead
Ended: Of all the balls this show dropped, this is probably the worse one. There was so much they could have done if they had Dracula turn Lucy earlier and had they made Lucy radically different. Lucy should have been a sweet loving girl, a bit of a flirt but not this lesbian sultry vixen. That should have happened AFTER Dracula turned her. And once he did turn Lucy, they did nothing with her. She spent the entire episode in bed, sick, until the final moments when the Vampire in her took hold for real and she killed her mother. I don't mind the idea of Lucy being a closeted lesbian--it's historically plausable and accurate. What I mind is how it did not serve her character or her transformation into a vampire. I would have loved to see sultry vampire vixen Lucy on the prowl in London, making her way brothel to brothel, trying to fill the hole in her heart where Mina was. And of course her relationship with Mina was swept under the rug entirely in this episode.

Character: Harker
Status: Alive and Sad
Ended:  Can Harker and Renfield switch places? Harker, thinking that he is a grown up man who understands the world, made it his mission this week to mess with Dracula's big light show. He brings in members of the Order who reverse the polarity of the neutron flow (nerd joke) which will cause the machine to explode. Now to Harker's credit, he only thought this would make it malfunction and when he realizes that it will kill dozens of people, his concern is for Mina (how gallant.) Thinking that he can still be the white knight, he swoops in and tells Dracula that the machine is rigged to explode just as all the lights go on. Dracula tells Harker to get Mina to safety, which Harker does manage to do but then insists that Dracula is dead. When Mina rejects him because she is just soooooooo in love with Dracula, Harker pays a visit to Van Helsing. Harker and Van Helsing have a nice little chit chat in the final seconds of the show and Van Helsing tell him everything Harker needs "to destroy [Grayson.] His name.....is Dracula." Cut to black! What?? Why would you end your show that way? You know this isn't coming back for another season so why make it seem like Harker and Van Helsing are now going to join together to beat the vampire? While it makes sense if you were doing a literal adaptation of the novel, it makes zero sense given that this show has never once been the novel on the small screen.

Character: Mina
Status: Alive and Annoying
Ended: Mina walked in circles this week. That's not a metaphor. I mean she actually moved from one point on the stage to the next and simpered and smiled. The day of the big light show and Mina is there for her man. Dracula, not Harker. Dracula is her man now. Remember? She is now madly in love with him--Dracula, not Harker. She gives me whiplash. Anyway, when the sparks begin to fly (literally) Mina has to be forced away from Dracula, because she was determined to stay by his side. She makes her way back to Dracula's house where she sees the painting of herself as Eiona. She doesn't even question it, just accpets that it is someone Dracula has loved for a long time, in another life. But Dracula assures her that he isn't going anywhere and together they fall into bed, reunited. Ah, love.

Character: Dracula
Status: Walking in the Light
Ended: I basically told you Dracula's story this episode by telling you everyone's story. Dracula's attempt to take down the Order with magical coolant failed (shock), but he got the girl in the end. It would have been better if he died, in my opinion. He was billed the entire series as an actual hero--wouldn't kill or turn Mina, was taking down the order through legal economic means. He wasn't a badass in any sense of the word. So kill him and let everyone move on. But no, he and Mina fall into bed and that's it.

Miscellaneous Notes on Let There Be Light

--Such stellar writing:
"I live in darkness but I yearn for light. Life is precious." "No."
"From a past life? But how?" "I have no idea."
"His name.......is DRACULA"

--Lots of people died, not just our characters. All because they wanted to see pretty lights

--So do Mina and Dracula ride off into the sunset now? She doesn't even know that he's a vampire! 

--In the end, this show is just tragic. But I can't help myself. If it comes back, I'll be watching.

In Which I Review Dracula (1x9)

Every week, my friend Jo and I sit down together to watch Dracula and each week we have the same conversation:
"This is it!"
"This is the week!"
"Tonight, he'll turn Lucy!!"
"It has to happen tonight!" 

In the original novel, the slow draining and eventual turning of Lucy is a way to demonstrate to the reader that Dracula is for real; that the count is really a vampire draining a sweet lovely woman of her life force and turning her into a wanton strumpet. For 8 episodes, I have been waiting for this to begin, each week becoming more and more convinced it wasn't going to happen. This show has changed so much about Dracula already, why not remove something as iconic as little Lucy being changed. But then this week, in "Four Roses," it finally happened. Lucy fell prey to Dracula's teeth and her eyes were opened to the darkness. 

This episode, the penultimate of the season (most likely series), was a declaration of war. Tired of being countered at every turn, Dracula wants to declare open war against the Order of the Dragon. Refusing to listen to reason Renfield, Dracula is convinced that the Order is responsible for what happened to Mina-- attempted burning off the lovely skin of a young woman is totally keeping in line with the Order's past machinations. Never mind the fact that it wasn't actually the Order who went after Mina but Lord L's father, hell bent on revenge for his son's death. Dracula has decided that "blood will flow." How trite and cliche. Of course blood will flow. You're a vampire. I'd be more concerned if blood didn't flow.
In the meantime, Dracula has been visiting Mina in the hospital where dreams and memories of the night she was almost scalded by acid continue to haunt her. She seems to realize that it was Dracula who saved her, but she still can't grasp why. Because Mina is an idiot. I'm serious. The show billed her as a modern Victorian woman who was Dracula's equal--she was courageous and a bit of spitfire; she refused to stay within the mores of Victorian society by going to medical school, but yet she can't figure out that Dracula is obsessively in love with her. With every visit, Dracula bring Mina a rose, placing it in her palm as she sleeps (and he sits and stares at her, waiting for dawn). And the nurses and doctors aren't bothered by this? Were visiting hours not a thing? Did the employees not wonder why Mina's fiancee's boss was there all the time? Did they not speak to him, tell him to go home and stop being such a creep? The illogical actions of the background characters in this conceptual world are really worrisome. Anyway, that's why this episode is called "Four Roses." Because Dracula brings her three roses. Yeah, I'm not kidding. There were only three roses by her beside by my count (I should note that I am more than capable of counting to four.) So where is the mysterious fourth rose? Is the fourth rose a metaphor? Am I supposed to try and work out where the other rose is?

The episode is more or less smaller moments in between Dracula's visits to Mina. The first finds Dracula's house under search and seizure by the coppers who are looking for Monty's Browning's children, kidnapped last week. Browning is convinced that Grayson is behind the assault to his family. Because business rivals often kidnapped the children of their competitors? Honestly, the plot of Dracula taking down the Order through business practices has been so wholly diluted that it's hard for me to understand why exactly Browning sees Dracula as a threat. He hasn't actually done anything to them, apart from snacking on a few of their members. Any plots that have come up in his quest to destroy the Order have been overshadowed by the sexy fun times of the characters hooking up with one another so I'm not sure when exactly Browning decided Grayson was a legitimate threat, and certainly not enough as to suspect that Grayson kidnapped his children. Of course, Dracula doesn't have the kids (to no one's surprise, Van Helsing does). The second moment comes when Dracula decides to move forward with his "blood will flow" plan.

Dracula pays a nice little social call to a gentleman's club frequented by members of the Order and locks them in a room with hungry baby vampires who have quite the happy picnic. The resulting masacre, which is being called a yachting accident (wut??) by the Order, also results in the Order calling in an expert hunter (guy with face tattoo) and some sort of ancient Latin relic. I have no idea what this relic does or how it will be helpful to them. I also have no idea why they called in another hunter when they have Ninja running around London in her leather miniskirt and thigh high boots, slaying vampires left and right. Why the 11th hour appearance of another slayer? And one with a name I don't know.

Before Dracula's final visit to Mina, a few things happen that we have to talk about first. The first is that Harker joins the Order of the Dragon. Again, I'm not 100% sure why. I get that he's pissed with Dracula for playing him and that he is beginning to recognize that Mina is in love with Dracula, but it seems like quite a jump to join a secret order that makes you swear a blood oath to join their ranks. What happens when you take down Grayson? You're still a member but your usefulness to them is over. They'll probably just kill you. Which I'm ok with. Harker is a dull man with little to recommenced him. And of course there is Lucy and Harker, the former horrified by what she did and the latter guilt ridden but also uncaring. He leaves Lucy the morning after and just goes about his business. He doesn't even go to see Mina in the hospital! Something she questions when she decides to break out of the hospital and confront him. Why the Harker/Mina confrontation? Because Lucy spills the beans about the sex-ing. Lucy continues to be the worlds greatest best friend by visiting Mina in the hospital and subtly hinting (by way of tears and furtive looks) that she and Harker have slept together. When Mina demands an explanation from Harker, his only response is "because you love Grayson." So you slept with her best friend in retaliation? Douche move, bro.

Which leads to the final night in the hospital between Mina and Dracula. After eight episodes, countless pointless plots, finally Mina and Dracula talk about the elephant in the room: they love each other. Mina wants to know why Dracula keeps coming back and Dracula says he can't explain it, but Mina reminds him of a woman he loved very deeply once. Side note but this is what woman LOVE to hear. "You remind me of my ex. Let's hook up."

When Mina presses Dracula about this old flame, he tells her about Eiona to which--wait for it--Mina exclaims in surprise that she knows all about Eiona because she's been dreaming about her since she was a little girl and "she looks just like me!" Oh. My. God. WELL OF COURSE YOU HAVE MINA. Because this isn't the most convenient and nonsensical plot device in a show full of convenient and nonsensical plot devices. Lazy lazy LAZY writing, that is. Talk about robbing any real character development by just having Mina randomly already know all this information. The only connection she hasn't made is that she is Eiona, reborn. Because, again, Mina is an idiot. So why can't Dracula and Mina ride off into the sunset? Mina wants to know the same thing: "Do you love me?" But Dracula can't answer because first he owes Eiona a great debt and he must pay before he can move forward (ie: kill the Order of the Dragon.) But Dracula also expresses surprise that Mina wants him because--you know--Harker, her fiancee up until 5 second ago? Ah but that's over, explains Mina, cause he banged my best friend.

Ut oh. Dracula doesn't like Mina being hurt. So while Lucy relaxes in a bath, Dracula breaks into a locked room with no windows (wut??) and tells Lucy that if she wants to be a monster, he'll help her out. And then he bites her, drains her, and make her drink his blood. And thus a new Lucy will rise. (I don't know how this one will be any different seeing as she's already a vixen.)
One more episode and it's over. What happens next? Will anything make sense??!

Miscellaneous Notes on Four Roses

--Seriously. Where is the fourth rose? This bothers me more than it should.

--Van Helsing almost killed children but settled for a ransom note.

--Lucy came out to her mother. In possibly the worst but most hilarious way ever. Come on, Lucy. Did you really think Momma would be ok with this? How many lesbians in Victorian England have you met? 

--"Aren't you American?" So glad that line was thrown in. For a second I was worried that JRM had just given up and dropped his attempt an American accent. 

--"I've summoned the Sicilian." That's nice Ninja but I don't know who that is. Or why he is being brought on in the last few moments.

--"I hate hospitals" Someone please kill Mina.

In Which I Review Dracula (1x8)

Do the characters on this show think things through? Is logic something that has vanished from the Dracula world? Bad decision after bad decision followed by yet another horrible decision. This weeks episode, "Come to Die," is really a filler piece in which couples break up, new couples are formed, and the writers try to push the characters into their final emotional upheaval before the end of the season/series. Side note but what a stupid title. Was it supposed to be menacing and scary? Was it supposed to illicit danger? Cause this episode was really just an exercise in sex and romance.

In all honesty, I have a lot of notes but most of it is laughter in written text. Lots of "omg! touching!" Dracula is still stalking Mina; Mina admits she is drawn to Dracula; Harker is more worried about himself; Lucy tries to seduce Harker only to have Harker run away; and Lady Ninja breaks up with Dracula because he is obviously in love with Mina. It was the dance/sex that gave it away. Gee, you think?

Let's just go one by one because honestly there isn't a whole lot to say. We did get a glimpse into pre-Dracula's love Eiona (I think I've been calling her Elosha). Surprise, surprise, the entire romance of Vlad and Eiona was one giant romp in the hay. They didn't even speak. They just looked sexily at each other before the soldiers burst in to take Vlad away. Trying to draw from history, the order moved against Vlad for his crimes (erm) and horrendous actions against the Turks. Well. Ok. Sure. But no. Anyway, that's why the Order turned him into a vampire. Because how do you solve the problem of a megalomaniac with a penchant for putting heads on pikes? TURN HIM INTO AN IMMORTAL MONSTER OF NIGHT OF COURSE! And then seal all records so that the Order can never learn about him. Which makes about as much as anything else on this show. No, really. Try. Try to explain to me why the Order turned him into a Vampire and then covered it all up so that everyone in the present day Order of the Dragon thinks Dracula/Vlad the Impaler is a myth. Go ahead. I'll wait.

In the present day Mina can't escape the draw of Dracula and his dance/sex. She admits to her father (who is now present for some reason when he wasn't before) that she is having second thoughts about Harker. But then Harker shows up and tells Mina that Grayson is a fraud who is manipulating everyone. And because Mina is SUPER SMART she goes to confront Dracula and they have a fight. Oh angst! The fight with Mina causes Dracula to loose his cool and scream and rage and attack Renfield. Dude, I know that you're upset cause your main squeeze is all huffy with you this week but you can't go around hurting Renfield. Renfield is like your lobster. You can't hurt your lobster. In an effort to apologize to Mina, Dracula goes to talk to her only to find her under attack by thugs. This is for some reason that I think was actually explained but I was too busy looking away from Dracula ripping off limbs and tearing out throats. I asked for more violence from the King of Vampires and I finally got it. Too bad it wasn't to feed but save his precious Mina from getting her face burned off with acid. And because Dracula is just the smartest cookie EVER, he places the dead attackers on pikes in front of the Order's house.

Jane has come into some very important information. Or rather, it'd be important if this show could remember that it's supposed to be about vampires and not ALL THE SHIPS. Going out in her very Victorian (sarcasm) vampire hunting leathers, Jane learns that Dracula is indeed real/alive and in London making vampires who bend to his every whim. The Order is very alarmed by this, so they spend the whole episode doing nothing. Because by alarmed, I meant that they think Dracula is a myth and Lady Jane is wrong. Why would you doubt Lady Jane!? She clearly has a head for vampires. I mean, she has been sleeping with one since the pilot. Lady Jane knows her vampires. But in the midst of hunting Dracula, Jane breaks up with Alexander Grayson who is totally devastated. LOL. No, he's not. He won and he bested her and now he can go back to stalking Mina 24/7.

In another corner of the world, Lucy tries her hardest to seduce Harker who manages to hold out until he commits murder. Yes, you read that right. How did this occur? Through a long winding road that makes very little sense. Short version: Harker learned that Dracula has been playing him; Lord L's father (old guy in stuffy suits) learned that Mina is whom Alexander Grayson loves most in the world and sent mercenaries after her; Dracula saves Mina; Harker learns that it was Lord L's father and goes after him. Once Harker gets to Lord L's father's it is revealed that Dracula has an obsession with Mina and Harker, in a fit of rage and idiocy, shoots Lord L's father. And then, because Harker has proved himself a sensible fellow, goes to Lucy's where they do the horizontal hustle. Lucy was thrilled about this (no she wasn't but that was the plan all along). Meanwhile, while Lucy and Harker (StiffVixen) were having le sexy times, Dracula sits beside an unconscious Mina and tells her "I belong to you and you belong to me." Oh very romantic. (Sarcasm)

Miscellaneous Notes on Come to Die

--Ok, it was an appalling episode. And maybe the best one yet. I'm into this show for it's utter horridness. It's truly terrible. Keep it coming, Dracula

--Van Helsing kidnapped little kids. Good move.

--Apparently Jane's boss (whom I've been calling Monty) is the Dragon's Head.

--Something is happening with Dracula's company. I think. I'm not sure. I don't think I care either.

In Which I Review Dracula (1x7)

Readers, how much would you judge me for admitting to have missed this show? 
Not because it's an magnificantly constructed medium of art or because the plot is pitch perfect. I don't think I actually know what is going on within the show itself. There are plots and random people who appear out of nowhere. No,  but because of the absolute absurdity that only seems to grow with each passing episode. I could care less what is happening plot wise: lights, coolant, magic, mysterious pictures, white aristocratic male orders of doom...who cares? I'm in it for the crazy relationships. Over the break my friend and I continued to speculate about "who would get Mina?" Would Jonathan keep his fiancee? Would Lucy manage to convert Mina? Would Dracula finally get more than long looks and dance/sex? This weeks episode, "Servant to Two Masters" dealt with our characters having to decide between two forces, both of which are appealing in their own right but always one more outweighing the other. Oh, and there was a lot of sexing. Bonus! 

 Dracula is a stalker. Like a creepy has-your-exact-schedule-memorized type of stalker. Now that he can be out in the sunlight (for about four hours at a time), Dracula is spending all his time following Mina around, "bumping" into her in the park. How sweet! (Note: sweet is not an adjective I should be using to describe the King of Vampires.) And Mina doesn't seem to mind. After the dance/sex at the engagement party, Mina is much more accomadating to Dracula's presence, going so far as to listen to his suggestions about dealing with mental patients. Dancing. It's the key to everything. (sex alert! sex alert!) Dracula's two masters are pretty obvious: his need for blood and gore as a vampire and his desire to not be an abomination and be a man again. Dracula is going cold turkey (because that's exactly what Bram Stoker had in mind when he wrote the novel.) No blood, no feasting: "I will live as a man or not at all." And thus Dracula has developed the shakes and cold sweats, something everyone notices. He is trying to serve the master of his choice, humanity, but he is a vampire after all and it's not long before he is covered in blood, having feasted on a poor policeman who made the mistake of getting in Dracula's way.

And then there is Mina. Poor simpering stupid Mina who probably couldn't make a decision to save her life. Remember the last time we saw her, she was disrobing and doing the horizontal hustle with Harker, her fiance. And yet she spends the whole episode as the object of Dracula's long stares and wooing and seems absolutely fine with it. I'm sure I'm supposed to infer that this is because "Macula" is true love and they are each others soul mates and it's destiny and something else trite but I'm too busy laughing at how Mina runs from one person to the next. I hope Dracula, Harker and Lucy get together and decide to have an orgy between themselves, leaving out Mina because they've realized how much of a tease she is. Mina's two masters are fairly obvious: the proper life she is supposed to want with Harker who is becoming increasingly distant and absent as he gets wrapped into the Order's world, and Dracula himself, the sexy smoldering bad boy who...dances...well. Of course Mina and Dracula end up dancing again this episode. And this time by themselves, no witnesses (except for Mina's father who simply walk off, undisturbed). And Dracula, who has been abstaining from blood is sorely tempted to turn Mina then and there. His fangs keep popping out (Metaphor alert! Sex alert!) But even Dracula can't be loyal to Mina when his desires begin running. Dracula too often finds himself courting Ninja Lady, advising her, and having sexy time with her. When Mina does realize who she really is (as we know she must) what will she think of Dracula's time with Ninja? And what will Dracula think of Mina's exploits with Harker?

Speaking of Harker and Ninja, our Lady Jane has quite the idiotic cunning plan to ensure that Mina stays away from Dracula (except that it's completely nonsensical.) Lucy, distraught over Mina's rejection of her, comes running to Ninja only to have Ninja instruct her in the art of seduction--to seduce Harker. Yes, you read that right. Not to seduce Mina, but to seduce Harker. The lessons of seduction include touching, patting, long looks, and licking. Yes, licking. There was actual face licking between Lucy and Jane. It led to a passionate kiss, but first there was licking. And if you listen carefully, you can hear me dying of laughter. Why does Jane think this is a good plan? Think about it: Harker hooks up with Lucy; Mina finds out and leaves Harker. Where would she go? To whom would she turn? Dracula obviously! Jane, why do you think this plan will keep Dracula and Mina apart? I think your corset is too tight and blood is draining from your bleached head. And of course Jane continues to live in la-la land about Dracula: he's out in the daylight so he can't be a vampire. And he bought her roses so it must be true love!

Lucy, of course, wastes no time putting Lady Jane's lessons into practice on Harker. And it was hysterical. First, how did Lucy even get invited to Harker's pants fitting? "Oh Jonathan, I simply must go along with you to watch you try on pants?" And then, when the opportunity arises (pun intended) Lucy finds herself on her keens in front of him, coping a feel, running her hands up and down his legs, pretending to measure him (sex alert!) I've decided Harker and Lucy will be called StiffVixen. Harker just stands there and watches her, obviously enjoying it. So now we've got Lucy and Harker making eyes at one another, Dracula and Mina having dance/sex, Ninja and Lucy licking one another, and Ninja and Dracula having sex every episode. This is fantastic. Is there a plot happening? I'm sure there is, but honestly who needs plot when you have this menage-a-stupid. Will Harker fall for Lucy's advances? Of course he will. And then poor virginal Lucy will sleep with Harker, Mina will be devastated and Dracula will be there with his popped up fangs (sex alert!)

Miscellaneous Notes on Servant to Two Masters

--As I look over my notes, I think there was an actual plot I was supposed to be following this week. Harker found out Dracula has been playing him for a fool and ends up making a deal with the Order; Renfield goes to Germany to buy a picture of Mina from her former lifer as Elona, wife of Dracula; someone poisons milk and ruins Dracula's magic coolant light show.

--The theme of serving two masters did play out with most of our characters, I must admit. Dracula: blood and Mina; Mina: Harker and Dracula; Ninja: Dracula and the Order;  Lucy: Mina and revenge; Harker: Dracula and the Order. 

--Dracula threatened to kill Van Helsing. Good idea Dracula. TELL the people you plan to kill that you plan to kill them.

--Why did Mina's father not care about the dance/sex? And why is he suddenly around? Where was he when Mina was at opium dens, drinking absinth, and having sex with Harker?

--The dance/sex this time was just as hot. And also awkward with Dracula almost kissing Mina and the fighting the urge to drain her.

--Who is the man in the hat with the marks on his face? (another random character that I couldn't care less about?) Will he want Mina too?

--I think we have 3 or 4 more episodes left of this show. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

In Which I Review Dracula (1x6)

This weeks episode of Dracula, "Of Monsters and Men," had a theme. No, I'm being perfectly serious. It had an actual discernible theme that played out on screen in several characters. It was amazing--the fact that it had a theme, not the episode itself. The episode was more or less an exercise in senseless subplots and the various sexcapades of individuals. But I consider the appearance of a theme to be a step in the right direction. The theme replete in this weeks episode was illusions: being unable to see something, even if it's right in front of your face. I suppose this might have always been a theme on this TV show as no one outside of Renfield and Van Helsing can see that Dracula is a vampire. Or at least is a very strange man of whom everyone should be deeply suspicious. But this week several characters--Ninja, Harker, and Mina--were confronted with the illusions that have previously escaped their notice and they responsed to those illusions. And of course there was sexy fun time for everyone! Except Renfield. Poor Renfield, he just walks through life taking care of Dracula. 

 The episode opens with Dracula having a dream of walking in the sun. It's a peaceful dream, sunlight streaming through the treetops, bird singing, and even a happily bubbling fountain. Which of course Dracula feels the need to splash in and wash over his face. It's a metaphor, guys. Baptism and rebirth. To walk in the sunlight like any other man is Dracula's ambition, cause this is what we envision when we think of the King of Vampires. Anyway, the reality of Dracula's world is much darker and cloistered. He's taking Ninja (henceforth, her name is Ninja and never Jane) and her boobs to dinner. Seriously. Does this woman posses a dress that is actually Victorian? In everything she wears, she's is practically spilling out. I'm amazed that more old ladies haven't passed out or clutched their pearls whenever she walks by. Ninja is having a hard time coping with her reality because the illusion that Alexander Grayson is just an ordinary man is crumbling around her. Her bosses in the Order of the Dragon are convinced that Grayson is a vampire because he has never been seen out in daylight. To be fair, I don't go out in daylight either, but I'm not a blood sucker. Before they can even sit down at dinner, Dracula becomes distracted by the appearance of Mina across the room. Remember, the last time they saw each other it was for dance/sex. This time it's for a different type of foreplay: cards. Ah yes. How many great romances start: card tricks. Mina is enchanted by card parlor tricks, mostly because Mina is a bit of simpering idiot. She likes illusions. She likes the illusion that she and Harker are happy and are a normal couple; she likes the illusion that she isn't attracted to Grayson at all; she likes the illusion that Lucy is just a friend and the constant gripping and touching doesn't have anything to do with sex. Mina will spend most of this episode trying to reinforce her own illusions. So despite Grayson's interference and Lucy's sulking at dinner, Mina can push those cracks in her illusion to the back of her mind (with the help of some alcohol). But even alcohol can only go so far. The best trick to keep her perfectly ordered illusion? Sex.

Yup. Because ladies in Victorian England who were engaged go out in public and aren't chaperoned at all. And her servants in the house would totally not be home for when Mina finally stumbled through the doors, drunk and wet. And those same servants would totally be ok with her fiance being alone with her in a dark house. So when Mina and Harker do manage to find their way home, drunk and soaking wet, and since the servants apparently have the night off, Mina decides to strip down to her Victorian underwear and have sex with Harker. Impure! Impure! Stone her!

Oh Mina. Don't fight your attraction to Dracula. He has you in his thrall. And I'm betting your one night with Harker was nothing compared to the dance/sex at your engagement party. But hey. Anything to keep up that illusion that you're totally happy with Jonathan Harker, dullest man alive. Notice that Mina doesn't even want to do the whole post-coital cuddling thing; and in fact she balks at the idea of running way and eloping with Harker. Instead of staying in bed, she flees to her lab. Experiments must be done. Sure, Mina. I'm sure you're not just running from the horrible mistake you just made. Mina's experiments lead her to discover Van Helsing's sunlight elixir. This elixir brings things back to life, cells and rats. Mina confronts Van Helsing about this, her precious illusion that her teacher is an honorable man shattered. How could he have something so suspicious! Van Helsing gives Mina some idiotic tale about parasites all the while planning to bash her brains in with a mallet (uh, not too sure how Dracula would react to that, Van Helsing). But (thankfully?) Van Helsing stops short of actually killing Mina because her mother had cancer. Mina gives some sob story about wanting to cure death and how she wants to be a part of Van Helsing's work and with that cleared up, Van Helsing lets her go. Van Helsing seems to be a mallet-wielding psycho. How many more times do I need to see flashbacks of his family dying at the hands of the Order? I get it. He's sad and wants revenge. Move on, please.

Speaking of moving on: VixenBoobs. At the aforementioned dinner, Lucy and Ninja had quite the little moment. Lucy, fed up with Dracula's interference and Mina's obvious attraction, stalks over to Ninja, the latter of whom as been left bereft by Grayson. These two understand one another. Ninja wants Grayson all to herself but he jumps at the first chance he has to go over to Mina; Lucy wants Mina to herself but Mina is so wrapped up in preserving her illusions that Lucy never gets the chance to tell Mina how she feels. Ninja sees an opportunity to get what she wants by destroying Lucy and Mina. Cause somehow that relates back to Dracula. Ninja invites Lucy over to tea (is that what the young kids are calling it now?) in order to get to know each other (euphemism alert!). The tea is, needless to say, really bizarre. And I do mean bizarre. Ninja straight up hits on Lucy, touching hands, her face, her boobs. Ninja tells Lucy that her urges toward Mina are natural and she should totally explore those. Poor Lucy. She takes this stranger's advice and decides to hit on Mina while they lay in bed. She begins by stroking Mina's face and then kisses her! And Mina goes crazy. She can't believe Lucy would do this, that Lucy has these feelings toward her. She orders Lucy out. The Mucy ship took quite a hit last night. I wonder if a certain enigmatic blood sucker will step in. He better. What is Lucy's purpose if it's not as Dracula's meal? I know they aren't keeping with the original story at all, but toss your viewers a bone! Give us Dracula draining Lucy, cause I really want to see what the Vixen would be like once she's a full fledged creature of the night. I suspect Vampire Lucy would be like a dog in heat.

And then there is Jonathan Harker, maybe one of the most obtuse idiots ever. Dude. What kind of researcher are you? A newspaper man who doesn't check out his sources? Come on! So a few episodes back, Harker met with some woman in gray who gave him files and evidence against the general Dracula is trying to take down. It was a cornucopia of wonder! Evidence that perfectly laid out how this general was taking money from his enterprise. And Harker fell for it, hook, line and sinker. And of course it turns out that it's not true. The woman was an actress who led him astray. And now Harker is in trouble with Dracula and the Order (for reasons passing understanding). His illusion that he has finally found his nitch in the world as Dracula's go to he man for information is crumbling. If he can't perform his duties as information man, then what use does Grayson have for him? And if Harker looses his position then he also looses the money and the influence that goes with that position. And then he's less of a man. His illusion that he is finally worthy of Mina and is finally a respectable man who can marry Mina is slipping. Hopefully it slips all the way and Harker just up and leaves. Is there anyone who doesn't think Dracula and Mina will eventually be together?

And so we are left with one final illusion: Dracula and sunlight The Order, most of whom serve on the Coolant company, are convinced that Dracula cannot go out in sunlight. These clever men decided to trick Grayson and call a meeting of the shareholders at noon in a solarium. Dracula has no choice; he must appear at this meeting or loose his company. Time for Dr. Van Helsing's miracle cure! The last time we saw this process it didn't exactly go according to plan: the test subject burst into flames. But Dracula and his loincloth are determined. This procedure was like something out of Frankenstein--electric shock and needles full of serum. Renfield was there the whole time in case something went wrong, of course. Loyal that man is. And then Dracula finally stepped foot into the sun. But he was on a limited time table, and even though the Order tried to hold him, he managed to get away before they noticed his skin bursting into flames. Luckily there was an actress who's services were no longer needed and once he fed, Dracula was perfectly fine. And Ninja's illusion that Alexander Grayson is an ordinary man was reinforced.

Miscellaneous Notes on Of Monsters and Men

--I don't get the title for this episode. Pretentious.

--I think there was some sort of subplot about a Dresden Tryptic but I'm not sure. It was mentioned but never came up again.

--"We could be so much more" Poor Lucy

--3 week break and then I think this season only has 4 or 5 episodes left. Will it be renewed? Hard to say. Numbers aren't steady enough to call.

In Which I Review Dracula (1x5)

In Bram Stoker's Dracula, Renfield is a bug eating crazy bastard. His role, apart from serving his master, is to demonstrate what happens to those who become entangled with the Count. He has no will, no desire, no passion, outside of serving Dracula. So naturally, the TV show Dracula decided to subvert parts of this relationship and make it one of friendship, companionship, while--on some level--maintaining the servant/master relationship. Our Renfield is a lawyer, well spoken, capable, and undeniably loyal. On this weeks episode, "The Devil's Waltz," loyalties are called into question, the hunt for Renfield parallels how the lawyer met the vampire, and Mina begins to fall under Dracula's spell. I'm starting to realize that the appeal of this show isn't the plot, with its magical coolant (giggle), but rather the appeal is wondering who is going to end up in bed with whom. This week I had Mina pegged as going home with both Lucy and Dracula, Lucy going with Blonde Ninja Lady, and Harker standing dumbly around, waiting for Dracula to pull his strings. As usual, this episode was chaotic and messy and whatever Dracula and Harker are doing with the Order was totally irrelevant; it was all about the sexy escapades of our characters. Sail on, you ships. Sail on.

 Poor Mina. No, really. I almost feel sorry for her. In the novel, Mina is to be pitied, slowly being drained of her life by Dracula due to his infatuation. And a lot of that pity is carried over to the television show. Mina is a girl who is supposed to have it all: money, family, reputation, opportunity, love. She is the ideal modern Victorian woman; strong and capable and intelligent, she can stand up to her fiancee and social conventions while at the same time embracing her femininity and the conventional roles her society has dictated are best for her. Mina loves Harker and wants that comfortably controlled life; but at the same time, she can't deny her inner rebel--the one who entered into the medical profession--and her growing attraction to Alexander Grayson. The episode opens with Mina in bed, dreaming of Alexander. Here's a good question: is it really a dream? It seems like it would be a dream; Dracula appears, tells Mina she is making a mistake and that Harker can't make her happy before a heavy make out session occurs. Lucy comes into Mina's room and wakes her, but based on what Dracula's powers are supposed to be, it wouldn't surprise me if he was either really there or had placed himself into her subconscious and is wooing her through dreams. The dream is enough to put Mina on guard, wary of everything Grayson is doing for her and her fiancee. Mina can't help notice that as Dracula elevates Harker in his company that Harker is loosing himself. Harker rejects his old friends, eschewing them for his new shiner, wealthier, better connected friends. Was this Dracula's plan all along? Did he want to drive a wedge between Mina and Harker knowing Harker's ambitions and Mina's desire to be a rebel, but only in so far as she is able to rebel while staying true to her heritage?

The long anticipated engagement party finally arrives and finds Mina worried about her future with Harker. The night before her party and she is dreaming of being in the arms of another man; a man she barely knows but who, upon their first meetings, literally brought light to the dark. (See the light bulbs were a metaphor...) I think Dracula has awakened Mina from her sleepy comfortable life. Mina likes to think of herself as modern and a bit of a rebel, and to an extent she is. It takes courage to enter into a strictly male profession, but it wasn't hard for her to do. She didn't have to claw her way into medical school and thus far we haven't seen her classmates and peers regard as anything less than the best and brightest. If they are uncomfortable or resentful of Mina, it hasn't shown. Her father is a doctor and she is obviously wealthy enough and beloved enough that her father could arrange her entrance into medicine. The real rebellion for Mina is giving into her desires for Grayson. And yes, they danced. Well. Let's be fair. That wasn't a dance. That was sex. That was upright, tension filled, angst driven sex. I honestly expected Dracula to drag Mina off the dance floor, throw her up against a pillar and rip her dress off with his teeth. The two actors don't have that much chemistry, but in this weeks episode, they did their hardest to sell the sexual tension. And it worked, actually. I found myself leaning closer and closer to the screen waiting for the inevitable kiss or declaration of love. And then Harker had to come in and ruin it all. (I did enjoy that in a vision Dracula opened Harker's throat and watched as he bled out for daring to interrupt his sex/dance with Mina). Harker is obtuse but he isn't blind. He saw the chemistry. He saw the heat. And what makes it all the more delicious is that Harker gave Mina to Dracula. He handed her over as "his most precious object" as a gift in thanks. Way to be a tool, Harker. And here you promised Mina that you didn't view her as an object for his disposal.

Lucy noticed the sex/dance too. Lucy, who runs home, tears staining her dress as she realizes that even when Mina wants to rebel and finds herself attracted to someone who isn't Jonathan, it still isn't her. Speaking of Lucy, though, there were some looks passing between her and Ninja. My friend Jo and I decided they are now VixenBoobs. When Ninja and her boobs showed up, she instantly started looking for Dracula. She is utterly in his thrall and he knows it. And he revels in it. I think Dracula might have a sadistic streak (thank God) when it comes to Ninja. He enjoyed breaking her, just for the sheer joy of breaking her. Of course, it can't last forever as even Ninja noticed the heat of the sex/dance. And in the final moments, her cohort (who's name I do not know and only call Monty in my head because of the actor's roll in "The Forsyte Saga") clues Ninja in to the fact that Grayson has never been seen outside in daylight. He only comes out at night. Isn't that peculiar? Deny it all she wants, Ninja might have finally realized that she is sleeping with the enemy (literally). Will she turn on the man she has fallen in love with? What is more important: her heart or her loyalty?

12 years ago, Dracula boarded a train in order to talk to some tycoon of industry wanting to make a deal and buy his company. The deal making went sour, but not before Renfield, working as a bartender on the car train, stepped in with a mouth-full of legalese, assisting Dracula in getting a fair deal. Of course the tycoon and his associates did not like that and proceeded to beat Renfield to a bloody pulp. Dracula, very calmly, took care of them, their blood splashing around Renfield's face. And that is how Renfield came to work for Dracula. Renfield had been a lawyer in America before his race became an issue and he was forced to take work elsewhere. But he is smart and savvy and Dracula takes an instant liking to him. If Renfield will come and work for him, then Dracula will tell him all his secrets and they can be best friends!

Meanwhile in the present day, Renfield was kidnapped by the Gray Lady (no idea what her name is, but it doesn't matter). He is beaten, tortured, poked and prodded for the answer to one question: whom does Alexander Grayson love? Naturally, Renfield refuses to answer, his loyalty to his master is too strong. Dracula does eventually find Renfield by putting his nose to the ground (no, I'm being completely serious. He sniffed him out). Just like he did in the past, Dracula rescues Renfield from his captors and then takes him home and put him to bed, nursing his wounds. Subversion of the master/servant relationship: they actually care for each other, these two. My friend Jo and I decided that they are now DracField. Of all the changes to the Dracula story, this is the one I like. Renfield as a bug eating crazy person was fine in the novel, but getting to explore the friendship between these two is much more satisfying, though I am still bothered that the only person of color on the show thus far is in the servant role. I just said something about this show was satisfying. There must be something in the water.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Devil's Waltz

--The actual PLOT of Harker and Dracula doesn't interest me in the slightest. Some general in the Ottoman Empire who is embezzling money? Meh. Whatever.

--Some seriously odd camera angles in this show. Half the time I thought I was looking up their noses

--Van Helsing continues to try and find a cure to Dracula's sunlight affliction. They got pretty close last night but then their test subject, a young vampire girl, burst into flames. Who wants to bet that Mina is Dracula's cure? They kiss and suddenly he can walk in sunlight.

--During the dance, Dracula began to picture is wife. Pre-Mina was pretty and I would like to know the specifics of how she died. I know it was the order, but how exactly did that come about. 

--For those keeping track of the ships: Mucy (Mina and Lucy), Macula (Mina and Dracula), DracField (Dracula and Renfield), VixenBoobs (Lucy and Ninja), VampireNinja (Dracula and Ninja), VixenPireIna + Coolant (Lucy, Dracula, Mina, and the magical coolant). This is really the best part of the show.

In Which I Reivew Dracula (1x4)

The following is an actual conversation with my friend Jo while we watched this weeks Dracula, "From Darkness to Light:"

Jo "What just happened?"
Me "I'm not sure..."

Me "Who is that chick?"
Jo "I don't know..."

Jo "Is this really happening?"
Me "I think so?"

The way Dracula is bleeding (pun intended) numbers, I doubt we'll see the end of this show, but until then, the idiocy and utter nonsense shall continue. Like last weeks episode, there were no themes or motifs of really anything remotely interesting about this episode. I mean, apart from the mud wrestling. (Yes, you read that right). Let's get this over with. 

I think this episode was supposed to center on Lady Jane (blonde Ninja Lady) but the only thing this episode did for her character was show that she is nothing more than a wanton sexpot who enjoys leather, control, and very unVictorian era dresses.  Am I supposed to intrigued by her? Fascinated? Am I supposed to be comparing her to the other females on the show and try to draw contrasts? Mina is the modern romantic heroine; Lucy is the sexual but insecure pseduo-lesbian; and Jane is the dominatrix vampire slayer? Does Jane have a purpose outside of giving Dracula someone to sleep with before he moves on to Lucy or Mina? According to Dracula's assessment of her psychology, Jane needs control. She enjoys breaking men, making them hers and once that is accomplished, she has no need for them and becomes bored. So, the vampire slayer is also a strumpet in leather who enjoys a good fight. It's not cliche at all! How does she not realize that she is sleeping with the vampire she is looking for? Apparently vampires are flocking to London en masse as their master, Dracula, summons them. These vampires are giving Jane problems but it's ok cause she's such a skilled vampire hunter (except that she can't figure out that Dracula is the master vampire).

Among these vampires is Joseph, a loyal solider who is devoted to Dracula but wishes Dracula would be a bit more ruthless and bloodthirsty. In other words, he is voicing exactly what the audience wants. According to Joseph, Dracula and he used to "harvest more souls" before sunup. So, at one point Dracula was scary? He was actually Dracula? Joseph has also been around long enough that he recognizes Mina as the reincarnated version of Dracula's wife. She's the spitting image of Dracula's dead wife. And, like the audience, Joseph can't understand why Dracula doesn't just turn her. But Dracula has his (idiotic) moral reasons and instead is going to throw Mina and Harker their engagement party. I guess anything to spend time with Mina. Speaking of, Dracula wants to show Mina his light machine with its magical coolant. I wish that was a euphemism but I'm referring to an actual machine with real coolant. Dracula's great plan to take down the Order of the Dragon! But something goes wrong and Mina and Dracula end up in each other's arms and both are way too into it for comfort. Golly, everyone wants Mina, don't they?

Dracula, Harker, Lucy and I'm sure before long there will be another gent who wishes to be closer to Mina. Speaking of Lucy, our closeted lesbian has taken it upon herself to plan Mina's whole engagement party. As a way of coping, I imagine. With Lucy, I am not trying to say that women did not have these feelings or that homosexuality was not present, but I don't understand why Lucy is our closeted lesbian. In the novel, Lucy is sweet and loveable before she is turned into a vampire. Then, and only then, she becomes a sexual lady of the night. But for this TV show, Lucy is presented as if she has already been turned, which is fine, but then they add this lesbian layer and she just becomes unnecessarily complicated. I am a little excited that at least Dracula might turn his attentions to Lucy. What is Dracula if he's not slowly draining Lucy of her life force? At the moment, Lucy, for Dracula, is merely Mina's friend and he must be courteous and kind to her but I'd like to see Dracula at least try to make a move on her. Of course, I'd much prefer that this show actually be Dracula as opposed to this odd concoction, but beggars cannot be choosers.

Do you notice how hard it is to talk about plot with this show? What was the plot of this episode? Lucy planning Mina's party; Harker searching for information about a General with oil ties in the Ottoman Empire; Dracula manipulating Jane into trusting him; Dracula and Jane having sex during a mud wrestling match? Yes, that really happened. Dracula's idea of a date is taking Lady Jane to an underground female mud wresting match (wut?) where she gets so hot and bothered (wut?) that she and Dracula have to find a corner and make with the sexy time. What was the purpose that scene, besides being the prerequited "get Jonathan Rhys Meyers to sleep with someone on screen?" But even the sexy time isn't enough for Jane and she tells Dracula that their relationship is over. So Dracula formulates a plan where Joseph goes to kill Jane only to be stopped by Dracula, thereby earning her trust. And then they take a bath together. Dracula apparently thinks that by doing this, he has robbed the Order of their most valuable weapon, but how? Jane is still going to hunt vampires but now she's in love with Dracula. How does this help Draucla at all? The writers are clearly just pulling ideas out of a hat and then adding, "Dracula has sex and broods" to their plots.

Miscellaneous Notes on From Darkness to Light

--There were several subplots in this episode. One involved some raw-steak-eating lady in gray who kidnapped Renfield. The other involved Harker going in search of an Asian lady with a forgettable name who knows something about the Oil General? Or does she know about Dracula? I'm not sure what her purpose is. Though, let's face it: I don't know what the purpose of most of this drivel is for.

--Sex mud wrestling match. Honestly I just needed to stress that again.

--Mina is drawn to Dracula which totally makes sense as they have spent a grand total of five seconds together and Dracula isn't using any sort of thrall on her.

--Dracula only slept with Lady Jane this week. Disappointing. I expected him and Joseph to have a tryst. I suspect Dracula is open to anything.

In Which I Review Dracula (1x3)

We must not look at goblin men,
We must not buy their fruits:
Who knows upon what soil they fed
Their hungry, thirsty roots?
--Christina Rossetti 

Typically, I really enjoy when television pulls out literary illusions in titles. It means the episode will have an overarching theme or central motif that I can play with. For the poem "Goblin Merchant Men" those are temptation, seduction, and sisterly devotion. In this weeks episode of Dracula, "Goblin Merchant Men," those themes were highlighted in the smallest degree possible. It was as if the writer of this episode fancied himself a real English scholar with high minded, thought provoking ideas (and maybe in reality he is) but then got bogged down in just terrible writing. Nothing happened this episode. Well, ok that's not wholly accurate. Things happened: random plot points that weren't woven together with any sort of cohesion, bouncing from one scene to the next. But the whole story of this episode was full of holes, so instead of a traditional review, let's try something different. 

Action: The Order of the Dragon turns Vlad Tepes into a vampire

This Doesn't Make Sense Becuase: I have no idea why the Order turned Vlad Tepes into a vampire. Or how. The process of turning someone into a vampire isn't exactly set in stone, but there are a few commonalities: you must be bitten by a current vampire and almost drunk to death and then you must drink from your sire. After Vlad was turned, one of the monkish looking Order members (seriously, what's with the brown robes) comes and claims that Vlad is now condemned for denouncing God. I suppose that's a reason, if wholly historically inaccurate. But why not just kill Vlad if he has really been so anti-God? Why did you need to beat him bloody, force him to drink blood from a ram's head, and then slit his throat? There elements of the traditional vampire mythos here but twisted (much like most of this show). Does this make Vlad the only vampire in existence at this time? Is this the only way to become a vampire? And WHY is this the solution? Do the members of the Order not think that Vlad will try to get his revenge? Or did they sit back and say, "oh good show, chaps. We sure taught him a lesson. Now I'm sure he'll leave us alone and go about eternity as a creature of the night, damned forever. Do pass the tea." If I had been turned into a blood thirsty monster and had my whole family killed, I don't think I'd be content with just roaming the world either. Which is an inherent problem in this "interpretation" of Dracula. They've made him into a romantic hero. And does the Order not keep records? Because Grayson looks exactly like Vlad, so why is it that none of the Order has recognized him? "Oh, I say, that man with the fancy light bulbs trying to steal our coolant (giggle) looks a lot like that man our ancestors condemned long ago. Do you think it's a coincidence?"

Action: In an effort to make Mina forget about her breakup with Harker, Lucy takes her clubbing.

This Doesn't Make Sense Because: Are we still in Victorian London or did we jump to the twenty-first century? Because I'm fairly certain that well bred ladies of the upper class were not allowed to participate in the Bohemian culture at the twilight of the 1890s. Unmarried Victorian ladies were guarded like prized treasures. Their virtue was paramount; they had to be intact and without dishonor if they ever hoped to make a profitable marriage. If they left the house to pay calls, a chaperone went with them. So I have a very hard time imagining that Lucy and Mina are able to run around London, drinking, partying, taking Absinth, and coming home at all hours of the day without old ladies clutching their pearls and reaching for their smelling salts. The amount of freedom Mina has is just far too liberal to be plausible. Also, as a well bred lady and unmarried, Mina would not be living on her own. She'd be at home with her parents and servants. And she wold not receive gentleman callers on her front door step. Nor would she make out with them in the street and then dance with them. How improper! Oh and apparently Lucy is a lesbian. Where did that come from? Lucy is far too vixenous already but now she's lusting after her best friend. Again, the show is trying to be modern and shocking but for no reason outside of being shocking. Dracula hasn't even glanced at Lucy yet. He needs to start draining her, though Lord only know what this will do to Lucy's personality seeing as she is already acting like a wanton strumpet.

Action: The Order of the Dragon kills Lord L for siding with Grayson without a logical explanation

This Doesn't Make Sense Because: Is Scotland Yard not a thing? Cause the show did this whole show and dance about making sure you knew Lord L had a wife and a son before they sent him to die. The Order is not happy with Lord L; he has given over his shares of the Coolant (giggle) company to Grayson and made the American the sole shareholder. This is just not good news for the British men. I mean, think of their stock portfolios. The horror! Because Lord L does not have a good excuse for why he handed over this shares (he cannot tell his brothers that Dracula threatened to expose his secret life), he is ritually murdered. But now what? Does the Order cover it up? Do they kill his wife and child too so no one goes looking for him? And what a bizarre way to kill someone: "do you accept that you've done wrong and if yes will you let us put this sword through your heart?" It's obviously an old tradition (see record keeping, they have it! Now go realize that Grayon is the same man you turned into a vampire) but in the "modern" world where people don't just vanish without someone noticing, it makes no sense (a theme!)

Action: Dracula puts Harker and Mina back together

This Doesn't Make Sense Because: Do I even need to say it? Dracula spent the whole episode being creepy stalker man, watching Mina from the shadows, sending her flowers, and rescuing her from drunken Bohemian men only to push Harker to beg for forgiveness and then propose. I know these are pretty typical romantic hero traits, but he's DRACULA. Just turn her, dude. Instead he sits in his carriage at night, trying to fight the rising light, just to see her face when she receives his flowers and a note that I'm sure is supposed to mean something to their past but doesn't anymore. And then after he saves her from the Bohemian man (because a romantic hero can be a stalker too!) the pair have a conversation that amounts to absolute nothing. Except that Dracula decides to speak to Harker and tells him that he's a fool and a hypocrite for letting Mina go. I'm sure this has something to do with, "I love her too much to let her be without the man she loves" but (how many times can I say this?): you're DRACULA. Get over these bizarre non-Dracula morals and just turn her. Or hypnotize her and make her remember your past with her. Do something.

Miscellaneous Notes on Goblin Merchant Men 

--Harker's adventures as Dracula's new VP of Press (or something) involve going to lunches and drinking. And then tagging along with Renfield where the manservant is far better equipped to deal with the business.

--Van Helsing continues to try and find a cure for Dracula's sunlight affliction. Dracula longs to walk in the sun so he can more easily stalk Mina. Ok, Dracula didn't actually say that but come on, you know that's why he wants it. If Van Helsing is smart he'll keep putting Dracula off.

--Lady Jane cured the Seers of their affliction by...doing something. I honestly have no idea. But then Van Helsing showed up and smashed their heads in. Again, this makes no sense since Dracula can just mind warp them every time they try to see where he is.

--Lord L's lover killed himself but left a note explaining everything, including Grayson's involvement. But here's the thing: will his father share that information? If his son confessed to sleeping with another man and being in love with him, boy is that a scandal Victorian London would do everything in its power to coverup. 

--Dracula only slept with one woman this episode, though he slept with her three times. Does that count?