In Which I Review Dracula (1x7)

Readers, how much would you judge me for admitting to have missed this show? 
Not because it's an magnificantly constructed medium of art or because the plot is pitch perfect. I don't think I actually know what is going on within the show itself. There are plots and random people who appear out of nowhere. No,  but because of the absolute absurdity that only seems to grow with each passing episode. I could care less what is happening plot wise: lights, coolant, magic, mysterious pictures, white aristocratic male orders of doom...who cares? I'm in it for the crazy relationships. Over the break my friend and I continued to speculate about "who would get Mina?" Would Jonathan keep his fiancee? Would Lucy manage to convert Mina? Would Dracula finally get more than long looks and dance/sex? This weeks episode, "Servant to Two Masters" dealt with our characters having to decide between two forces, both of which are appealing in their own right but always one more outweighing the other. Oh, and there was a lot of sexing. Bonus! 

 Dracula is a stalker. Like a creepy has-your-exact-schedule-memorized type of stalker. Now that he can be out in the sunlight (for about four hours at a time), Dracula is spending all his time following Mina around, "bumping" into her in the park. How sweet! (Note: sweet is not an adjective I should be using to describe the King of Vampires.) And Mina doesn't seem to mind. After the dance/sex at the engagement party, Mina is much more accomadating to Dracula's presence, going so far as to listen to his suggestions about dealing with mental patients. Dancing. It's the key to everything. (sex alert! sex alert!) Dracula's two masters are pretty obvious: his need for blood and gore as a vampire and his desire to not be an abomination and be a man again. Dracula is going cold turkey (because that's exactly what Bram Stoker had in mind when he wrote the novel.) No blood, no feasting: "I will live as a man or not at all." And thus Dracula has developed the shakes and cold sweats, something everyone notices. He is trying to serve the master of his choice, humanity, but he is a vampire after all and it's not long before he is covered in blood, having feasted on a poor policeman who made the mistake of getting in Dracula's way.

And then there is Mina. Poor simpering stupid Mina who probably couldn't make a decision to save her life. Remember the last time we saw her, she was disrobing and doing the horizontal hustle with Harker, her fiance. And yet she spends the whole episode as the object of Dracula's long stares and wooing and seems absolutely fine with it. I'm sure I'm supposed to infer that this is because "Macula" is true love and they are each others soul mates and it's destiny and something else trite but I'm too busy laughing at how Mina runs from one person to the next. I hope Dracula, Harker and Lucy get together and decide to have an orgy between themselves, leaving out Mina because they've realized how much of a tease she is. Mina's two masters are fairly obvious: the proper life she is supposed to want with Harker who is becoming increasingly distant and absent as he gets wrapped into the Order's world, and Dracula himself, the sexy smoldering bad boy who...dances...well. Of course Mina and Dracula end up dancing again this episode. And this time by themselves, no witnesses (except for Mina's father who simply walk off, undisturbed). And Dracula, who has been abstaining from blood is sorely tempted to turn Mina then and there. His fangs keep popping out (Metaphor alert! Sex alert!) But even Dracula can't be loyal to Mina when his desires begin running. Dracula too often finds himself courting Ninja Lady, advising her, and having sexy time with her. When Mina does realize who she really is (as we know she must) what will she think of Dracula's time with Ninja? And what will Dracula think of Mina's exploits with Harker?

Speaking of Harker and Ninja, our Lady Jane has quite the idiotic cunning plan to ensure that Mina stays away from Dracula (except that it's completely nonsensical.) Lucy, distraught over Mina's rejection of her, comes running to Ninja only to have Ninja instruct her in the art of seduction--to seduce Harker. Yes, you read that right. Not to seduce Mina, but to seduce Harker. The lessons of seduction include touching, patting, long looks, and licking. Yes, licking. There was actual face licking between Lucy and Jane. It led to a passionate kiss, but first there was licking. And if you listen carefully, you can hear me dying of laughter. Why does Jane think this is a good plan? Think about it: Harker hooks up with Lucy; Mina finds out and leaves Harker. Where would she go? To whom would she turn? Dracula obviously! Jane, why do you think this plan will keep Dracula and Mina apart? I think your corset is too tight and blood is draining from your bleached head. And of course Jane continues to live in la-la land about Dracula: he's out in the daylight so he can't be a vampire. And he bought her roses so it must be true love!

Lucy, of course, wastes no time putting Lady Jane's lessons into practice on Harker. And it was hysterical. First, how did Lucy even get invited to Harker's pants fitting? "Oh Jonathan, I simply must go along with you to watch you try on pants?" And then, when the opportunity arises (pun intended) Lucy finds herself on her keens in front of him, coping a feel, running her hands up and down his legs, pretending to measure him (sex alert!) I've decided Harker and Lucy will be called StiffVixen. Harker just stands there and watches her, obviously enjoying it. So now we've got Lucy and Harker making eyes at one another, Dracula and Mina having dance/sex, Ninja and Lucy licking one another, and Ninja and Dracula having sex every episode. This is fantastic. Is there a plot happening? I'm sure there is, but honestly who needs plot when you have this menage-a-stupid. Will Harker fall for Lucy's advances? Of course he will. And then poor virginal Lucy will sleep with Harker, Mina will be devastated and Dracula will be there with his popped up fangs (sex alert!)

Miscellaneous Notes on Servant to Two Masters

--As I look over my notes, I think there was an actual plot I was supposed to be following this week. Harker found out Dracula has been playing him for a fool and ends up making a deal with the Order; Renfield goes to Germany to buy a picture of Mina from her former lifer as Elona, wife of Dracula; someone poisons milk and ruins Dracula's magic coolant light show.

--The theme of serving two masters did play out with most of our characters, I must admit. Dracula: blood and Mina; Mina: Harker and Dracula; Ninja: Dracula and the Order;  Lucy: Mina and revenge; Harker: Dracula and the Order. 

--Dracula threatened to kill Van Helsing. Good idea Dracula. TELL the people you plan to kill that you plan to kill them.

--Why did Mina's father not care about the dance/sex? And why is he suddenly around? Where was he when Mina was at opium dens, drinking absinth, and having sex with Harker?

--The dance/sex this time was just as hot. And also awkward with Dracula almost kissing Mina and the fighting the urge to drain her.

--Who is the man in the hat with the marks on his face? (another random character that I couldn't care less about?) Will he want Mina too?

--I think we have 3 or 4 more episodes left of this show. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride.