God, I wish I was kidding.
Are the writers drunk? Are they pulling ideas out of a hat? Are they watching the best movies of the past 15 years and going, "oh let's rip on that one!" This show has got to decide what it is: small town David Lynch-ian drama or supernatural teen angst.
My head is spinning. I'm going to do something a little different this week.
So it turns out Max No-Last-Name is actually Tyler Durden. Who would have thunk it, eh? In the wake of the Dome falling, just 9 days ago, Max set up an underground fight club complete with betting, drinking, drugs, and all kinds of vices. Because she had time on her hands. You know, along with spying on everyone in town--because not only does she know about Barlie BBQing, she also knows that Junior held Angie in an underground shelter for days. I'm not even going to pretend I understand this. I don't even want to feign interest in this nonsense. This is bad writing. This was an excuse to literally have a seedy underbelly expose with bad dialogue and poorly choreographed fighting. Every other word out of Max No-Last-Name's mouth was a threat about Peter Shumway. We get it. You know Barbie killed him. Was there any point to this at all? And seriously, where did all these ruffians come from? Who are these tattooed thugs and muscle shirt wearing hoodlums? Did they all magically follow Max No-Last-Name into Chester's Mill seconds before the Dome fell and then hide out in her
In an effort to figure out how to defeat their common enemy, while Barbie was playing whack-a-thug in the basement, Big Jim takes a boat out to an island on a lake that belongs to Max No-Last-Name. This three story extravagant house is part of Max No-Last-Name's legitimate business dealing out of the Osiris Corporation. My religion spidey-senses are tingling but frankly it's probably a red herring. (Osiris, god of the Underworld in Egyptian mythology. Was killed by brother and scattered across the world for his sister-wife Isis to find. Magic death sex yielded Horus). At this house, Jim finds a nice woman named Agatha who claims to be the caretaker. Rule number one, never trust someone who says they are the "caretaker." Turns out she's Max No-Last-Name's momma and a former classmate of Jim. She went by Clare then. She changed her name because of reasons and was a prostitute (thus clearing up the random comment Max No-Last-Name made about how she doesn't deal with hookers). Boy am I glad we learned about one more person in this town. There just weren't enough people and backstories and idiotic throwaway plots. Agatha threatens to expose Jim's secrets and she even knows about Barbie, all of which she tells to a surprised Jim. Of course, Jim can't have this so when she falls off a boat in the lake, he lets her drown. Attaboy, Jim. One more life on your conscious. Anyone else notice how often he was referred to as a used car sales man this week? How upset he got? A small reminder that he isn't an all powerful, in control bigwig, but a local small town nobody. And his control further slips as Linda learns about his roll in the drug "Rapture." Will Jim kill Linda now?
In an incredibly dull portion of this weeks episode, Linda and Julia go on a girl-power adventure to the local bank where Julia discovers life insurance papers. Linda also finds a letter from Duke from beyond the grave that explains his part in the drug scheme. Man, do I not care; I would have cared 6 or 8 episodes ago, but this mystery got dragged out longer and longer. Did we know that Duke had a son? Do we even remember Duke? Isn't Duke Lapidus? He flew everyone off the island, so whateva. Anyway, Julia finds out that Peter left her a lot of money! Oh joy! Her problems are solved. And then through some warped logic and roundabout thinking, she realizes that Barbie killed her husband, but that Peter wanted to die all along, so really it's all ok. Mostly I think Julia likes BBQing. If you know what I mean. (I mean sex). Julia makes Barbie promise that they'll be no more lies between them, so naturally he tells her all about Max No-Last-Name and the Fight Club.
Lol. Just kidding.
And in the plot that actually matters, that is important and interesting and should stop being treated like a second string, Angie realizes that Junior is the fourth hand print. You see, Junior once passed out at a dance. Because this isn't overkill at all. The painting his mom made of the pink stars falling wasn't enough; they needed to add in the seizure thing to make it more believable. So Angie, all in a dither with this information, tells Jorrie about her many days inside Junior's luxurious 5-star shelter. Except it's totally OK because they are now connected and so we can forgive the smelly clothes and the chaining her to the bed thing. All is forgiven. Because Angie is a dumb.
Also, Joey, shut up. We don't care if it's a cacoon or it's a whatever. What's more important is that there is a monarch butterfly inside the mini-dome. And it shall be crowned!!!!! *rolls eyes*
When all four kiddies placed their hands on the mini-dome the lights go out and pink constellations appear. Here come our alien overlords, though why these four kids are special, I don't know. But it's ok, cause I don't think the show does either.
--Jorrie tied themselves together so Joey wouldn't wander off at night. This is what you do to a disobedient three year old. What's next, a cow bell?
--For a horrible moment, I thought the show killed off Dodee. She is the only tolerable human in Chester's Mill. Though why didn't she remember what happened to her after the mini-Dome knocked her backwards? Why isn't she special? I can assure you, she is more special than Angie or Junior.
--Max No-Last-Name needs to wear a bra. I can see your nipples. I don't even want to see your face, let alone your nipples.
--"But...what does it mean?" Thank you Junior for setting up the plot of the final episodes of the season.