Tuesday, August 20, 2013

In Which I Reivew Under the Dome (1x9)

"In my dream the Lord did come to me, and He was a shape. It was He Who Walks Behind the Rows. And I did fall on my knees in terror, and hide my eyes, lest the fierceness of His face strike me dead! He told me all that has since happened; He said, "Joseph has taken his things and fled this happy place, because the worship of Me is no more upon him. So take you his life, and....."

Wait. What Stephen King novel am I in again?

Oh that's right: Under the Dome

So, He Who Walks Behind the Rows, Randall Figg and Roland Deschain should not be in our series, right? And yet...

How about we pass over the special Chester's Mill children for a moment and concentrate on the absurdly boring, long-drawn out, B plot of tonight's "The Fourth Hand"
Max No-Last-Name. Oh, ok.
Max No-Last-Name has been in Chester's Mill since the Dome dropped 8 days ago. Oh, ok.
Max No-Last-Name is apparently the big boss of the whole drug ring. Ok, ok. 
Max No-Last-Name has been hiding in an abandoned house for those 8 days, watching the residents. Oh...wait. Really? That doesn't strike you as completely and utterly overly convenient?  You know what that is? That's bad writing is what that is. There is this literary device called foreshadowing. It's pretty famous; maybe your high school English teacher made you learn about it? This chick in her way to tight black dress, perfectly blown out hairdo and (I admit begrudgingly) super swanky leather jacket was not foreshadowed at all. And how was she spying on people, living in a house in the suburbs? All the really important events have taken place either on the Main Drag of Chester's Mill or in the woods! But oh sure, super convenient plot device Max No-Last Name has seen it all. Look out Big Jim, she knows your secrets. Oh, and she knows Barbie's too. MORE CONVENIENCE! Because someone had to finally pull the sex wool off of Julia's eyes so enter Max No-Last-Name who bought Barbie a drink some months ago and knows all about him: including that he killed Peter. RIP, Barlie. We hardly cared about ye.

Ok, that was rant filled. I apologize. The B plot proceeded to plod along to much groaning and gnashing of teeth this week. Barbie and Linda learn from a drug crazed man that Chester's Mill is your one stop shop for a high quality drug called "Rapture" that will make you think you can see heaven. Sold exclusively through Creepy Rev at his funeral home (metaphor alert), this simply divine drug has that oh-so-special-gotta-have-it-can't-live-without-it ingredient: propane. That's Big Jim's role in all this; he supplies the propane for the recipe provided by Max No-Last-Name, who likes to come into Chester's Mill sometimes to check on things. Because Drug King Pins do that. They don't have minions to do these lesser tasks for them. (These people have never seen Breaking Bad) (Overly meta Irony Alert).

Becoming increasingly paranoid about his control slipping away, especially with the arrival of Max No-Last-Name, Big Jim decides that for the good of the town, people should turn over their guns and ammo. This was actually a rather interesting philosophical plot point: is Chester's Mill still part of America where people have a constitutional right to bear arms? Jim seems to think that they may be their own little country right now, and obviously he is King of the Hill. So while the people of Chester's Mill are turning over their guns thinking that they will be locked up out of sight and out of mind, Big Jim instead stores them in his now empty of hysterical teenage girls fallout shelter. Guess who sees him do this? If you guessed Junior, you're right. Now Junior has blackmail against his father. Well this will surely lead to good things!

Speaking of Junior. Boy, I know you wanna get your rocks off, but please take five steps back from Angie. It doesn't matter that she is obviously a dumb shit who has selective memory about the the fact that you locked her in a shelter for DAYS. Just, do us both a favor, and move along. Unfortunately, this show seems to be setting up Junior and Angie up as a legitimate romantic couple. Like I predicted last week, there is more to Junior's mom than we heard. Before she died, she had a dream of Junior standing on a hill looking up and seeing pink stars falling to the earth. Luckily for us she painted it. Or maybe a two year old painted it because that was not the work of someone who has an appreciation for the arts. But I digress. Why is this important this week? Because Angie had a seizure. No, she wasn't touching the Dome. No, she wasn't anywhere near the Dome. She was in the diner, telling Junior where to stick his soft voice and concern when she suddenly fell to the ground, and began shaking, mumbling about pink stars.

Seriously, Mr. King. Call me. I'll explain foreshadowing to you. Thus far, Angie's only roll on this show was to be the sad victim of Junior McCrazyPants. And now, in two episodes, they have realigned her entire character arc and narrative so that she is actually...important? Junior, of course, thinks it's amazing and wonderful that he and Angie have this connection: his mother painted the pink stars of which she speaks. I think it's time for Angie to buy some pepper spray and a whistle.

Speaking of spectacular kids, Joey and Norrie, our beloved Jorrie, go in search of the Mini-Dome after Julia and Barbie realize its gone missing. They spend the whole episode traipsing through the woods (except when they decide to look at Joey's baby pictures on his handy HP tablet. Isn't that nice? Also, tonight's episode has been brought to your by HP Tablets). It's only at the end that they discover the mini-Dome and egg have been uplifted and are in Joey's barn. And how did it get there? Joey, all zombie like, got out of bed at 3 am and brought it to the barn. Angie saw all this but decided not to tell anyone or mention it or even hint at it. Because foreshadowing exists outside of the Dome. Like America and the Constitution.

The three kids gather in the barn that night and decide to place their hands on the mini-Dome. And impressively, THINGS HAPPEN! Norrie supposes that their hands work like keys in a lock but oh no! There is a fourth handprint needed in order to complete the sequence.

Quick! Someone get Issac or Malachi!

Shoot. Did it again, didn't I?

It's Junior, isn't it? Son of a ---!

Miscellaneous Notes of The Fourth Hand

 --The episode began with Joey and Norrie chasing chickens and Joey continually missing. *ahem* In other words, he was getting cockblocked.

--Dodee has enough sense to be freaked out about Jorrie and their connection to the Dome. Attagirl, Dodee. YOU have common sense.

--Linda, my dear, it is NOT a good idea to fire a gun at a building you suspect to be full of propane. Come on now. I know you're stressed because you have a psychopath as a partner, but please think these things through.

--Will Angie figure out that the fourth hand is Junior? If she does, will she tell him? If she has the sense God gave a goose, she won't go near him with this information. So, she will.

--Can the next death be Max No-Last-Name? Then we can just forget about her. Easy peasy.



  1. This post is perfect in every way, especially:
    -I think it's time for Angie to buy some pepper spray and a whistle.
    -Because foreshadowing exists outside of the Dome. Like America and the Constitution.
    I have nothing to say or comment on. Reading this was spectacular and it hit on every point I thought of while watching it. It just...*applauds*

    1. I expect next week they will discover a secret underground tunnel that has enough food and water and propane to last a life time; also for a scientist who can explain the Dome to walk out of the house and be all, "yeah, I know what is going on but I had to catch up on What Not To Wear. Last season and all. Can't miss TV, guys. Oh this Dome? Sure let me tell you all about it. By the way, I've been sleeping with Barbie too."