Saturday, January 11, 2014
In Which I Review Dracula (1x8)
Let's just go one by one because honestly there isn't a whole lot to say. We did get a glimpse into pre-Dracula's love Eiona (I think I've been calling her Elosha). Surprise, surprise, the entire romance of Vlad and Eiona was one giant romp in the hay. They didn't even speak. They just looked sexily at each other before the soldiers burst in to take Vlad away. Trying to draw from history, the order moved against Vlad for his crimes (erm) and horrendous actions against the Turks. Well. Ok. Sure. But no. Anyway, that's why the Order turned him into a vampire. Because how do you solve the problem of a megalomaniac with a penchant for putting heads on pikes? TURN HIM INTO AN IMMORTAL MONSTER OF NIGHT OF COURSE! And then seal all records so that the Order can never learn about him. Which makes about as much as anything else on this show. No, really. Try. Try to explain to me why the Order turned him into a Vampire and then covered it all up so that everyone in the present day Order of the Dragon thinks Dracula/Vlad the Impaler is a myth. Go ahead. I'll wait.
In the present day Mina can't escape the draw of Dracula and his dance/sex. She admits to her father (who is now present for some reason when he wasn't before) that she is having second thoughts about Harker. But then Harker shows up and tells Mina that Grayson is a fraud who is manipulating everyone. And because Mina is SUPER SMART she goes to confront Dracula and they have a fight. Oh angst! The fight with Mina causes Dracula to loose his cool and scream and rage and attack Renfield. Dude, I know that you're upset cause your main squeeze is all huffy with you this week but you can't go around hurting Renfield. Renfield is like your lobster. You can't hurt your lobster. In an effort to apologize to Mina, Dracula goes to talk to her only to find her under attack by thugs. This is for some reason that I think was actually explained but I was too busy looking away from Dracula ripping off limbs and tearing out throats. I asked for more violence from the King of Vampires and I finally got it. Too bad it wasn't to feed but save his precious Mina from getting her face burned off with acid. And because Dracula is just the smartest cookie EVER, he places the dead attackers on pikes in front of the Order's house.
--Ok, it was an appalling episode. And maybe the best one yet. I'm into this show for it's utter horridness. It's truly terrible. Keep it coming, Dracula
--Van Helsing kidnapped little kids. Good move.
--Apparently Jane's boss (whom I've been calling Monty) is the Dragon's Head.
--Something is happening with Dracula's company. I think. I'm not sure. I don't think I care either.