Saturday, January 11, 2014

In Which I Review Dracula (1x8)

Do the characters on this show think things through? Is logic something that has vanished from the Dracula world? Bad decision after bad decision followed by yet another horrible decision. This weeks episode, "Come to Die," is really a filler piece in which couples break up, new couples are formed, and the writers try to push the characters into their final emotional upheaval before the end of the season/series. Side note but what a stupid title. Was it supposed to be menacing and scary? Was it supposed to illicit danger? Cause this episode was really just an exercise in sex and romance.

In all honesty, I have a lot of notes but most of it is laughter in written text. Lots of "omg! touching!" Dracula is still stalking Mina; Mina admits she is drawn to Dracula; Harker is more worried about himself; Lucy tries to seduce Harker only to have Harker run away; and Lady Ninja breaks up with Dracula because he is obviously in love with Mina. It was the dance/sex that gave it away. Gee, you think?

Let's just go one by one because honestly there isn't a whole lot to say. We did get a glimpse into pre-Dracula's love Eiona (I think I've been calling her Elosha). Surprise, surprise, the entire romance of Vlad and Eiona was one giant romp in the hay. They didn't even speak. They just looked sexily at each other before the soldiers burst in to take Vlad away. Trying to draw from history, the order moved against Vlad for his crimes (erm) and horrendous actions against the Turks. Well. Ok. Sure. But no. Anyway, that's why the Order turned him into a vampire. Because how do you solve the problem of a megalomaniac with a penchant for putting heads on pikes? TURN HIM INTO AN IMMORTAL MONSTER OF NIGHT OF COURSE! And then seal all records so that the Order can never learn about him. Which makes about as much as anything else on this show. No, really. Try. Try to explain to me why the Order turned him into a Vampire and then covered it all up so that everyone in the present day Order of the Dragon thinks Dracula/Vlad the Impaler is a myth. Go ahead. I'll wait.

In the present day Mina can't escape the draw of Dracula and his dance/sex. She admits to her father (who is now present for some reason when he wasn't before) that she is having second thoughts about Harker. But then Harker shows up and tells Mina that Grayson is a fraud who is manipulating everyone. And because Mina is SUPER SMART she goes to confront Dracula and they have a fight. Oh angst! The fight with Mina causes Dracula to loose his cool and scream and rage and attack Renfield. Dude, I know that you're upset cause your main squeeze is all huffy with you this week but you can't go around hurting Renfield. Renfield is like your lobster. You can't hurt your lobster. In an effort to apologize to Mina, Dracula goes to talk to her only to find her under attack by thugs. This is for some reason that I think was actually explained but I was too busy looking away from Dracula ripping off limbs and tearing out throats. I asked for more violence from the King of Vampires and I finally got it. Too bad it wasn't to feed but save his precious Mina from getting her face burned off with acid. And because Dracula is just the smartest cookie EVER, he places the dead attackers on pikes in front of the Order's house.

Jane has come into some very important information. Or rather, it'd be important if this show could remember that it's supposed to be about vampires and not ALL THE SHIPS. Going out in her very Victorian (sarcasm) vampire hunting leathers, Jane learns that Dracula is indeed real/alive and in London making vampires who bend to his every whim. The Order is very alarmed by this, so they spend the whole episode doing nothing. Because by alarmed, I meant that they think Dracula is a myth and Lady Jane is wrong. Why would you doubt Lady Jane!? She clearly has a head for vampires. I mean, she has been sleeping with one since the pilot. Lady Jane knows her vampires. But in the midst of hunting Dracula, Jane breaks up with Alexander Grayson who is totally devastated. LOL. No, he's not. He won and he bested her and now he can go back to stalking Mina 24/7.

In another corner of the world, Lucy tries her hardest to seduce Harker who manages to hold out until he commits murder. Yes, you read that right. How did this occur? Through a long winding road that makes very little sense. Short version: Harker learned that Dracula has been playing him; Lord L's father (old guy in stuffy suits) learned that Mina is whom Alexander Grayson loves most in the world and sent mercenaries after her; Dracula saves Mina; Harker learns that it was Lord L's father and goes after him. Once Harker gets to Lord L's father's it is revealed that Dracula has an obsession with Mina and Harker, in a fit of rage and idiocy, shoots Lord L's father. And then, because Harker has proved himself a sensible fellow, goes to Lucy's where they do the horizontal hustle. Lucy was thrilled about this (no she wasn't but that was the plan all along). Meanwhile, while Lucy and Harker (StiffVixen) were having le sexy times, Dracula sits beside an unconscious Mina and tells her "I belong to you and you belong to me." Oh very romantic. (Sarcasm)

Miscellaneous Notes on Come to Die

--Ok, it was an appalling episode. And maybe the best one yet. I'm into this show for it's utter horridness. It's truly terrible. Keep it coming, Dracula

--Van Helsing kidnapped little kids. Good move.

--Apparently Jane's boss (whom I've been calling Monty) is the Dragon's Head.

--Something is happening with Dracula's company. I think. I'm not sure. I don't think I care either.

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