In Which I Reivew Dracula (1x4)

The following is an actual conversation with my friend Jo while we watched this weeks Dracula, "From Darkness to Light:"

Jo "What just happened?"
Me "I'm not sure..."

Me "Who is that chick?"
Jo "I don't know..."

Jo "Is this really happening?"
Me "I think so?"

The way Dracula is bleeding (pun intended) numbers, I doubt we'll see the end of this show, but until then, the idiocy and utter nonsense shall continue. Like last weeks episode, there were no themes or motifs of really anything remotely interesting about this episode. I mean, apart from the mud wrestling. (Yes, you read that right). Let's get this over with. 

I think this episode was supposed to center on Lady Jane (blonde Ninja Lady) but the only thing this episode did for her character was show that she is nothing more than a wanton sexpot who enjoys leather, control, and very unVictorian era dresses.  Am I supposed to intrigued by her? Fascinated? Am I supposed to be comparing her to the other females on the show and try to draw contrasts? Mina is the modern romantic heroine; Lucy is the sexual but insecure pseduo-lesbian; and Jane is the dominatrix vampire slayer? Does Jane have a purpose outside of giving Dracula someone to sleep with before he moves on to Lucy or Mina? According to Dracula's assessment of her psychology, Jane needs control. She enjoys breaking men, making them hers and once that is accomplished, she has no need for them and becomes bored. So, the vampire slayer is also a strumpet in leather who enjoys a good fight. It's not cliche at all! How does she not realize that she is sleeping with the vampire she is looking for? Apparently vampires are flocking to London en masse as their master, Dracula, summons them. These vampires are giving Jane problems but it's ok cause she's such a skilled vampire hunter (except that she can't figure out that Dracula is the master vampire).

Among these vampires is Joseph, a loyal solider who is devoted to Dracula but wishes Dracula would be a bit more ruthless and bloodthirsty. In other words, he is voicing exactly what the audience wants. According to Joseph, Dracula and he used to "harvest more souls" before sunup. So, at one point Dracula was scary? He was actually Dracula? Joseph has also been around long enough that he recognizes Mina as the reincarnated version of Dracula's wife. She's the spitting image of Dracula's dead wife. And, like the audience, Joseph can't understand why Dracula doesn't just turn her. But Dracula has his (idiotic) moral reasons and instead is going to throw Mina and Harker their engagement party. I guess anything to spend time with Mina. Speaking of, Dracula wants to show Mina his light machine with its magical coolant. I wish that was a euphemism but I'm referring to an actual machine with real coolant. Dracula's great plan to take down the Order of the Dragon! But something goes wrong and Mina and Dracula end up in each other's arms and both are way too into it for comfort. Golly, everyone wants Mina, don't they?

Dracula, Harker, Lucy and I'm sure before long there will be another gent who wishes to be closer to Mina. Speaking of Lucy, our closeted lesbian has taken it upon herself to plan Mina's whole engagement party. As a way of coping, I imagine. With Lucy, I am not trying to say that women did not have these feelings or that homosexuality was not present, but I don't understand why Lucy is our closeted lesbian. In the novel, Lucy is sweet and loveable before she is turned into a vampire. Then, and only then, she becomes a sexual lady of the night. But for this TV show, Lucy is presented as if she has already been turned, which is fine, but then they add this lesbian layer and she just becomes unnecessarily complicated. I am a little excited that at least Dracula might turn his attentions to Lucy. What is Dracula if he's not slowly draining Lucy of her life force? At the moment, Lucy, for Dracula, is merely Mina's friend and he must be courteous and kind to her but I'd like to see Dracula at least try to make a move on her. Of course, I'd much prefer that this show actually be Dracula as opposed to this odd concoction, but beggars cannot be choosers.

Do you notice how hard it is to talk about plot with this show? What was the plot of this episode? Lucy planning Mina's party; Harker searching for information about a General with oil ties in the Ottoman Empire; Dracula manipulating Jane into trusting him; Dracula and Jane having sex during a mud wrestling match? Yes, that really happened. Dracula's idea of a date is taking Lady Jane to an underground female mud wresting match (wut?) where she gets so hot and bothered (wut?) that she and Dracula have to find a corner and make with the sexy time. What was the purpose that scene, besides being the prerequited "get Jonathan Rhys Meyers to sleep with someone on screen?" But even the sexy time isn't enough for Jane and she tells Dracula that their relationship is over. So Dracula formulates a plan where Joseph goes to kill Jane only to be stopped by Dracula, thereby earning her trust. And then they take a bath together. Dracula apparently thinks that by doing this, he has robbed the Order of their most valuable weapon, but how? Jane is still going to hunt vampires but now she's in love with Dracula. How does this help Draucla at all? The writers are clearly just pulling ideas out of a hat and then adding, "Dracula has sex and broods" to their plots.

Miscellaneous Notes on From Darkness to Light

--There were several subplots in this episode. One involved some raw-steak-eating lady in gray who kidnapped Renfield. The other involved Harker going in search of an Asian lady with a forgettable name who knows something about the Oil General? Or does she know about Dracula? I'm not sure what her purpose is. Though, let's face it: I don't know what the purpose of most of this drivel is for.

--Sex mud wrestling match. Honestly I just needed to stress that again.

--Mina is drawn to Dracula which totally makes sense as they have spent a grand total of five seconds together and Dracula isn't using any sort of thrall on her.

--Dracula only slept with Lady Jane this week. Disappointing. I expected him and Joseph to have a tryst. I suspect Dracula is open to anything.