Friday, July 10, 2015

In Which I Review Under the Dome (3x4)

Oh. I get it. The aliens that sent the egg that caused the Dome to drop--are the Borg. It all makes sense now! Having never managed to capture and assimilate the Enterprise and being forever frustrated--as much as a hive collective with no discernible personality can be--by this failure, they clearly decided to send themselves back in time to Chester's Mill, USA circa 2013 and trap a bunch of whiny, good for nothing, idiots inside a Dome in order to upgrade humans as part of their collective. The Borg have changed a wee bit since the good ol' days of Star Trek; now they have love triangles! Lots of love triangles. Likes, OUAT-levels of love triangles. At any rate, I'm not entirely sure that anything happened on this week's episode "The Kinship." Mostly couples split up, had sex, fought, and used their Dome-sized situation to engage in tired metaphors about kinship, family, herds, and over all togetherness and harmony. Oh and Queen Bee was outted as a pervert. Grab a condom--or if you're Joey, grab several--and let's go!

In a stunning turn of events, the people inside Chester's Mill are about to run out of food! Shocking isn't it. It's not like we've ever done this before or been in this exact same situation (sarcasm). But don't worry, Evarbie found cattle feed that will sustain the residents until the corn begins to grow. All hail the dynamic and romantic duo that are Eva and Barbie. Lord. Save me from this. I don't care about Eva. I barely care about Barbie, so by the law of mathematics, I certainly don't care about Evarbie. She's overly weepy, he's overly....dull. Together they are weepy and dull. At least Julia is somewhat crazy (and perfectly coiffed. Seriously, girlfriend, how do you still have an ample supply of conditioner and mouse for such bouncy curls? Shouldn't your hair be more akin to a bird's nest by now?). In case you missed it, the cattle metaphor was not subtle. Cattle are part of a herd. Herds work and live together for the betterment of all herd-kind. You might even call them a kinship. I call it rote and trite. After a year in Pod Status, the residents of Chester's Mill are forced to make decisions about which life they prefer--the Matrix or the Real World. Blue pill or red pill, Neo? Barbie, it appears, is choosing his rabbit hole; he is willing to fall, Alice-style, down and down and down and into the weepy and waiting arms of Eva. What a lovely delusion. Of course, it's not exactly free will that's leading Barbie down his Matrix-y lane. It's Queen Bee who keeps manipulating the situations to her advantage. For whatever reason, it's imperative to her that Evarbie be together in her new Borg collective. Julia is not fit for Barbie. Is it because Julia is the Monarch? Does the Queen Bee fear the Monarch? Is it because Julia has better hair than Queen Bee? You couldn't possibly have two red heads living together in the collective. The world could not hold that much soullessness.

Contrasting Evabrie are Jorrie (with a rather rape culture-y side story of Horrie). If Barbie is gladly falling back down his rabbit hole, then Norrie is running from the Queen of Hearts (oh hey...Queen Bee does like red!) and back into the real world. Norrie got caught up in the pretty and perfect world that the Pod gave her. She was loved and she loved back. She was desired and she desired back. For once, Norrie was rather normal. Or as normal as a girl who spent several weeks inside a Dome can be. There were pretty dresses and sororities and friends and acceptance. But that's not who Norrie is. Norrie, in the real world, hates everyone (Norrie is an obvious stand-in for the audience, by the way). Maybe that's the point. At the heart of the matter, Barbie really is a Savior-type figure, albeit one that is rather rough around the edges. So the dream world that he experienced in the Pod is pretty close to how Barbie sees himself on a daily basis. It's easy to fall back into that world when it's one that already matches your preconceived notions about yourself. Whereas with Julia, he can be the Savior, but he's also the Killer and the Thug and last season he was the guy who almost agreed that killing the weaker members of Chester's Mill would be a good idea. With Eva, he's the guy you can cling to in a sand-and-hail storm. But for Norrie, the reality she was given inside the Pod is not who she really is; not even close to it. The bubblegum pink version of her does not match who Norrie sees herself as, and thus the Kool-Aid Queen Bee is passing out fails, ultimately. Sure, Norrie dips her big toe into the pond by way of a heated make out session with Hunter, but in the end, Norrie is a rebel who falls back into her life with Joey. And then Joey proceeds to fall into her vagina. What? Too much? If the Dome shatters because of the power of Jorrie love making, I may have to give up TV forever. And in other news, Queen Bee took Junior down to the Cave of Wonders and then showed him her Cave of Wonders (yes, that's a sex metaphor) and my eyes need some serious bleaching. UGH. WHY?! Just....why? Is this like in "V" when the Queen needed to mate while the other aliens got into place and prepared? But we did get a look at Queen Bee in all her Queeny glory; bugtastic and ugly as sin. Good luck with that one, Junior. Let's just hope Queen Bee doesn't have to eat her mate after they consummate their love.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Kinship

--Does Queen Bee have to touch you in order for you to fall under her spell? She keeps touching everyone, like Jacob on LOST.

--Big Jim was kidnapped by men who managed to get inside the Dome. The men wanted the Egg. Because killing Gollum did not end the magical quest for the godforsaken egg. Look, the egg is gone!! Take the shows advice and MOVE ON.

--How is it that Science Teacher Pine didn't know that you could magically turn cattle feed into human food? She knew everything science. She science'd that science harder than anyone has ever science'd the science.

--"All you care about is screwing me!" RIP Horrie

--Who the hell is Abby and why do I care about her drunk troubles and her drunk sex with Sam? Have we ever seen her before?

--"Does this mean I should get a condom?" And the best line of the night goes to....

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