Monday, November 10, 2014
In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (4x7)
Hey, does anyone else remember when Snow White accepted Emma for who she was: Savior and Magical Creature Extraordinaire? That her main concern wasn't Emma's magic but rather who taught Emma how to use that magic? Does anyone else remember when Emma Care Bare Stare'd Cora and it was glorious and Snow's response was to take her daughter's face in her hands and try to reassure her? Cause that was a great moment. Do you know what is not a great moment: looking at your daughter like she is the spawn of Satan just because she had some issues controlling her magic (we'll get to that, never fear). Does anyone else remember when Snow and Charming went into the mines, knowing that they might die, but trusting in Emma and her abilities to save Storybrooke? Does anyone else remember when Snow wasn't portrayed as a buffoon who said such wonderful things as, "we failed today." Oh ye gods, the dialogue coming from some of these characters was cringe worthy this week. ONCE has never had the best wordsmiths known to man but this whole, "oh woe is me" nonsense was just that: nonsense. At least Charming didn't do anything too heinous, but that's largely due to the fact that the writers tend to forget Charming is an entity until they need him to do something like fight Warlord Bo Peep and her magical staff. Snow White was once a bandit, a mother, and a queen. Now she's like an actual Disney character; she has become the cartoon version of herself and it's annoying. Maybe it's because Ginny Goodwin is still resting from her pregnancy but there has to be a better way to write Snow than this. So far this season she has been creepy possessive of both her kids, been nothing like her old bandit self, and now she's looking at her daughter in a way that Snow has never--and would never--look at her child before. Let's move on.
I didn't care one bit about these three sisters. Why should I? They don't mean anything to me now in present day; they aren't still around to make me feel sorry for them. Ingrid's backstory is exactly what you would expect: it's Frozen. She has magical abilities that she fears and when push comes to shove, she used them accidentally against one of her sisters (Helga) and her sister turned into an instant ice statue and then shattered. First, why the shattering? Anna didn't shatter in the movie; Marian didn't shatter a few weeks ago when her heart was frozen. Why did Helga shatter? And why is Gerda basically a dumb idiot? I (somewhat) get putting Ingrid into the urn in order to protect Arendelle, but instead of learning from all this, she decides the best course of action is to have everyone's memories erased. That is some fine upstanding Queen-ing right there. Got a problem? Instead of solving it, just use magic rock trolls to rob all your people of their memories. That's like Regina level bad. And I'm sorry but Ingrid's whole fear is based off one incident in which she actually SAVED her sisters from a creepy pedophile. That's not a reason to fear; that's cause to celebrate. In the movie Frozen, Elsa actually hurt Anna when they were kids. But here, Ingrid was a bit of a hero and instead it becomes "conceal don't feel." No! TELL THE WORLD ABOUT THE KID SNATCHING BAD GUY IN THE WOODS WHO TRIED TO ABDUCT THREE LITTLE GIRLS AND KICKED ONE IN THE STOMACH! Heavens above, do you think he was working alone!? Most likely not. Go tell your parents instead of pulling this "we'll use these ribbons to bind our promise to always look out for each other and protect one another." Oh and the Duke of Wessleton showed up because of-freaking-course he did. That's everyone right: Anna, Elsa, their parents, Sven, Kristoff, Marshmallow, The Duke, Hans AND his brothers, the ice bridge, the costumes, the gloves, let it go, "doesn't bother me anyway," sandwiches, and the door scene. Did we get everything iconic? Except Olaf, I think that covers the FROZEN-ALL-THE-THINGS. And, finally, grown up Ingrid in her room, scared to hurt anyone. Um. Why? Have you hurt anyone since that night in the woods? Because if you haven't then it really was a freak accident and you can sort of relax.
If you find true love, it's worth ruining your life for. What an unbelievably horrible message. Truly, one of the worst messages I've heard come from this show. Love is grand, I know that. In this show, love can save realms and it used to be the most powerful magic of all. But you know what? Honor, self respect, respect toward others, fidelity, vows, these are important too. Is Robin in between a rock and a hard place? Yes. Do I feel bad for him. Not anymore. He is now committing adultery with the woman who tried to kill his wife. Oh my god. This is a THING that happens on ONCE now. Adultery isn't new of course; Mary Margaret and David were having one in season one, but they were under an evil spell and married in their "real" lives. Robin, just because your wife is a Frozen Popsicle does not give you license to do this. I get it; you're in love with Regina...well tough nuts! Deal with it! The idea that you have decided to break all your vows and not "be the man Marian made you to be" is just appalling. I am over Robin, I am over OutlawQueen, and frankly this relationship is a perfect example of the toxic wasteland that is love and romance on OUAT. To sum up, Marian made Robin want to be a better man and be more than a petty thief. Regina makes Robin want to break all his vows and lose his self respect. And Will...what the heck? How is this sound advice? And where is Ana? Just tell me already; I'm weary of thinking Ana might be dead. Also, this is a potential retcon: according to OUATinWL, Robin had not yet Marian when Will joined his gang of Merry Men and Will was only around for about 2 days. I still remember the show, Adam and Eddy. If Will's only purpose on this show is to give terrible life advice and to negate his entire love story with Anastasia, then I would really prefer if he wasn't here at all.
Just. Leave. The. Room. You were smart enough to send Elsa away when you saw that her emotions were getting the better of her, now do likewise. There is no reason for you to stay in this room with the Ice Queen and listen to her insane drivel. Just leave, calm down a bit, and then refocus. Why is Emma Swan acting so incredibly stupid lately? I have been waiting for Emma Swan to become the sort of powerful sorceress I know her to be, so I like getting to see her use magic, but this was just an illogical way to go about it. You need Emma to become emotional? Okay, fine. But the entire moment is ruined for me when all I can think is, "why doesn't she just leave the damn room?!" "You're not going to push my buttons," says Emma to the Snow Queen and yet that is exactly what happened and when Emma realized it was happening she did nothing about it but stand there and make scary faces and declare that her family loves her. So after last year's triumph of remembering where her home is, and realizing how much she loves and needs her parents, she gets irked at the mere thought that they might love her "normal" baby brother more than her? And oh, by the way, Baby Snowflake? Clearly not normal! Zelena tried to use him for her spell because he was a baby born of the purest true love and the lights flickered during his birth. He's clearly not supposed to be non-magical. Whatever. I'm getting so angry that I've stopped wanting to make sense.
--It really says something when I think the least offensive character is Hook.
--Henry working at Rumple's shop is nice but how is there zero talk about his dead father?
--Rumple wants to take over the world. That is why he is doing this. Ok. I'm...not going to comment. No, I am. It's my blog, after all. First, Rumple has been able to leave Storybrooke for some time now. He just needs to put on his little snazzy shawl. Second, fine. Rumple is now so evil that all that matters is getting as much magic as possible. That's his character now. Never mind his sacrifices or his heroism or his love for his family. Whatever.
--Ashely gave birth to a little girl named Alexandra in 104. Canon FACT. Someone messed up somewhere either in continuity or in logic (parents do not name their children the same thing...).
--"Every family has their ups and downs." Sorta like this show.
-- Seriously, you're standing under a tree and you see a branch is about to drop on you. Do you step out of the way or do you spend those last few seconds that you could get to safety looking at a little girl, calling her a monster, and then dying stupidly?
--I don't even care enough to try and theorize about the ribbons.
--Next week is two hours long. Oh heaven, save me.