Monday, April 28, 2014
In Which I Review Once Upon a Time (3x19)
In the Enchanted Forest of the past year, Snow and Charming are ready to announce their pregnancy to their people, thinking the peasants (those poor peasants) need some hope and good news. Do the peasants care about Snowing? It's an honest question because think about it: every bad thing that has ever happened to them is because of Snow and Regina's feud. They've been moved across worlds, they've had their memories erased, they've been moved again (and then again). At this point, if I were a peasant, I think I'd distance myself from the royals as much as possible. At the castle with Snowing and Regina, Aurora and Philip make an appearance just so they can tell Snow what we, the audience, already know: Zelena wants your baby. Shock. Did we really need Aurora and Philip to make an appearance for this? Yes, turns out that Zelena threatened their baby and that's why they lied to Snow and company when they landed in the Enchanted Forest. Why doesn't Zelena want the Philora baby? Shouldn't that baby be the product of true love too? And why isn't Aurora more pregnant in this scene? I understand that Ginny Goodwin (Snow) is pregnant in real life, but she looks *huge* next to Aurora who isn't showing at all. Aurora should be about 6 months pregnant here, while Snow should only be about 3 months. While I know that I have to suspend for some stuff, glaring errors like this really take me out of the scene. Zelena must have really good hearing because she knows just when to show up at the castle. Aurora makes one little mention of the witch and in she flies on her broomstick! Zelena freezes everyone but Belle, who earlier came into the scene to announce that Rumple was alive and Neal was dead. Zelena then does some freaky touchy-touchy with Snow's pregnant belly. Oh she also turned Aurora and Philip into monkeys. Is the baby now a monkey? EVERYBODY IS MONKEY (keep this in mind when we start killing people). Zelena tells Snow that "what's yours will be mine," before cackling and flying away.
With little difficulty, the gang breaks into Rumple's home to asks him how to stop Zelena. Bear in mind, this is post "Quiet Minds," so Rumple is utterly insane because he has Neal living inside of him (the sentences I write because of this show). And Crazy Rumple speaks in riddles! I'm sure there is a lot to Rumple's mumblings about time and finish lines and such but then again, it could be a massive misdirection. Look at the crazy man! Listen to the crazy man! Except don't because it doesn't matter. Rumple summons enough coherence to tell the gang that they need "light magic" to defeat Zelena. Well DUH! Come on! That's obvious. When has darkness ever defeated darkness? Rumple then tells the heroes to go find Glinda, the good witch of the south. Because it's the season of Oz so time to trot out all your old favorites even if it's for a total of five seconds and they do absolutely nothing to help. Glinda is at the edge of the Dark Forest (where is that in relation to the Infinite Forest, Sherwood Forest, and the Enchanted Forest? Why does this realm keep getting bigger and bigger with every passing episode?)
Snow, though, has an idea. Snow has so much faith and hope in her and Charming's love that she asks Regina to take her heart and then split it in two so that she and Charming can share the heart. This makes no sense. None. You can't break a heart in two! It should just crumble into nothingness. But of course it works because you can't just kill off Prince Charming now can you? Snow's price to enact the curse is now nullified meaning the Curse shouldn't take at all, but it does. So what is the price of magic? The sacrifice was supposed to be Charming’s life, but Snow found a way to circumvent that. And they got to be reunited with Emma and Henry, so they’ve actually got a reward out of this so far, as opposed to paying a price. So Snow hasn’t paid a price for casting that Curse yet. Which by rights should mean that there’s a price coming. Also, this action does make Snow and David look like the world’s biggest hypocrites for telling off Neal when he wanted to find a way back to Emma and Henry. I guess Snow and David now have more in common with Rumple and Regina than they’d ever have believed possible. They all had a hand in casting a dark curse. Snow took a walk in Regina’s and Rumple’s shoes. The villains are the heroes and the heroes are villains. It all comes full circle. They are okay with going after Emma when it benefits THEM, but when Neal wants to get to his family pronto, "there is no way! Give up Neal!!" Speaking of...
In Storybrooke, the troops have gathered because they are in total agreement: we must stop Zelena. Well, good that we're all on the same page. Here I was thinking that maybe someone would be totally fine with Zelena and her "change the past!" plans. The gang discuss Emma breaking the curse, but the problem is that until Henry believes in magic and fairy tales, Emma's TLK won't work on him. So finally after several episodes walking around it, the gang remembers the storybook. The storybook was what set Henry out on his journey to being with and it's what Emma used to believe in magic and the Curse in S1, so it's only natural that it's Henry's talisman. The last time the book showed up randomly in Snow's closet right when Henry needed it most, so it's time to hunt it down again.
Meanwhile, Rumple has captured Hook and stuffed him into a car trunk and brings him to Zelena. Hook is living in the center of town and no one saw Rumple or Rumple’s car or Hook getting captured and thought, “maybe we should follow it….?” Or what, “Here Dark One, whom I have been keeping in a basement in order that no one might rescue you…drive into the busy town and fetch me the pirate who is never alone, but always with those pesky heroes and my sister! Do it sneakily! Don’t want anyone to follow you! Meanwhile, I shall stand by a tree and think deep thoughts with my monkey” Anyway, Zelena is very angry that Hook hasn't gotten with the kissy kissy of Emma Swan. She needs Emma to be powerless because Emma is the only one that can stop her evil time travel plans. Zelena tells Hook to either get with the kissing or she'll kill Henry. So basically, "forcibly kiss a woman or I'll a child." The morals of this show are outstanding.