Friday, September 11, 2015

In Which I Review Under the Dome (3x13)

Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by CBS's Under the Dome. Hey, it's tradition! Every season finale (and in this case series) I have begun by asking that question and over the course of three summers, my answer has not changed. Yes; yes I do feel personally victimized by Under the Dome.  But here we are, at the end, and while I could rant and rave against this series finale, "The Enemy Within," and discuss how this TV show was a failure, let's just be glad that the Dome is down and we get to move on (drink!) from Chester's Mill. The narrative was derivative and silly and full of nonsense, but let's have fun for this last ever blog of Dome. We can have some laughs and rejoice that Barbie, Julia, Little Crazypants, Jorrie, and Big Jim are out of our lives for good. Once more, for the Dominess of it all! 

The most Gibberish thing to ever be Gibberished in the history of this show, that speaks only in Gibberish, went thus: Norrie is the eighth note in the Amethyst Song because she's one of the four hands and was the first to see the Pink Stars. However, Joe will do in a pinch because he also saw the pink stars, so his special note when whistled, while standing in the midst of the seven amethysts, brought down the Dome. Oh my God; I wish I was making this up. But yes, at long last, after four weeks inside the upside down goldfish bowl, the Dome hath fallen. The first half hour of the show was a lot of death and mayhem, all of which was entertaining because it was so overacted and silly that you couldn't help but laugh. Joe entering an amethyst circle and telling Norrie that he loved her, only to turn into a shimmery light beam and bring down the Dome? Hilarious. Little Crazypants stabbing Sam through the side because Junior needs to get his rocks off with Dawn as her mate/Alpha and because he has some serious misogynistic control issues? Comedic gold. Big Jim stabbing Little Crazypants in the heart because Junior wouldn't give up the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill? Rib tickling good. Barbie riffing on 'Game of Thrones' by telling Dawn (Baby! Queen) that she was no daughter of his and then causing Dawn to fall to her death? Magnificent. It's what I've been saying all along--the characters living inside the Dome are all terrible, horrible human beings. The Dome didn't make them this way; they aren't victims of circumstance. They are simply bad people and the Dome only made them worse.

There is something to be said about feeling sorry for a show that got cancelled unexpectedly. Under the Dome clearly thought they were getting another season with the way things ended. How do I know? Because everything I just wrote above was negated in the last five minutes of the show. Joe? Not dead, but being held captive in a military compound. Dawn? A kindergarten teacher searching, and finding, another egg in order to create another Dome to build a new Borg Collective and start the whole Gibberish-filled fun over. That was the ending of this show.  But I don't pity Under the Dome. The writers had to know that their renewal was highly debatable and should have planned accordingly. Instead, they ended with a series of cliffhangers that we'll never get the answers to. Ever. And you know what? I don't care. I am perfectly content to never know about the Big Scary Aliens coming or why Julia was the Monarch or why Angie, Joe, Junior and Norrie were the Four Hands or why the Pixel Bugs came to our world or why the Red Door in Zenith can lead to Chester's Mill. I am fine with Barbie and Julia never getting married because their romance is one built on death and lies and circumstance. The fact that Barbie's proposal began with "what do you even know about me?" should scream that he is self-aware of their problems, but no. It's just a build up to a cliche--and interrupted--marriage proposal. Big Jim became a Congressman after bribing the military and having his records sponged clean. Hunter and Uhura are together but their romance is almost as forced and awkward as the Barlie ship. Bad people do not change and unlike other TV shows, these terrible people don't even try to exist in their own paradigms; they just get worse. And so, that's it. That's all I got for this incredibly silly series finale and show as a whole. It has been...well, I wouldn't say fun, but it has been something. Here's to you, Under the Dome. And now, I'm moving on.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Enemy Within

--Sam, the Random Guy Who Threw Eggs At Big Jim's Car, and Little Crazypants are the only ones who really died. So, RIP them I guess.

--Everyone is slowly suffocating to death inside the Dome, so naturally Barbie and Julia open the show spending an extraordinary amount of energy and air burying DNA Expert Lady. Because of course. 

--Did Dawn name herself Dawn or was that name passed to her along with the ratty blonde wig and Barbie's eyes? She also inherited Barbie's darkness? Whatever that means.

--Indy is the key to Big Jim's heart. Funny. I didn't think Big Jim had a heart.

--One year later and Julia's hair is still perfect. However, Norrie has the worst wig I've ever seen, including Dawn's blonde bob.

--"Kid, you are unfit and unstable." I feel you, Sam. I've been saying the same thing about Little Crazypants for three summers.

--Does the new egg come complete with a new Gollum?

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