Friday, August 14, 2015

In Which I Review Under the Dome (3x9)

Let's get sexual! Or, at the very least, let's kiss until we can kiss no more in the hopes that our alien lover returns to their once fine human form. Yes, that's right; in this week's episode, "Plan B" Under the Dome went all Once Upon a Time (Once Under the Dome? Once Upon A Dome?) and true love's kiss appears to have broken the evil spell of Queen Bee; in other words, Barlie once again are having themselves some good old fashioned BBQ. And in other news, Queen Bee has discovered that screwing teenage boys is a surefire way to heal stab wounds and prevent yourself from dying, with the added bonus that the Giant Goldfish Bowl will stop calcifying. You all know what comes next, right? Gibberish. Absolute gibberish. I'll say this--this week's episode was better than last week's, but that's not exactly a strong compliment. It only means that instead of being thoroughly angry at the end of the episode, I was only mildly nauseous and rolling my eyes a lot. We only have four episodes to go and I'm pretty sure this entire season has been an exercise in futility. But then again, isn't every season of Under the Dome? Pucker up, kids. We're almost there. 

What exactly was Plan B? Was it to sit in an empty funeral home and rehash some information, also known as killing time, which is what all final three episodes of Under the Dome does every single season (you think I'm kidding? Season 1, episode 9 is when Max No-Last-Name showed up!) Information, the first: Carolyn is dead and everyone is sad; this emotion rings as hollow since everyone (Norrie included) pretty much forgot that Carolyn was a person until she suddenly appeared in the plot again, just in time to die. Information, the second: there is a weird schematic that has something to do with hertz and sound waves and the Dome and Amethysts and, let's face it, I can't be bothered with that drivel. And apparently neither can the writers because Joey was at his Wunderkind best, simply doling out information after reading a few stolen library books on the nature of sound. That's all Joey needs in order to come up with a working hypothesis about how one can bring down the Giant Goldfish Bowl. Never mind the fact that Science Teacher Pine had no idea how to do that; Joey is all you need, thus making Science Teacher Pine even more useless! Information, the third: Julie really loves Barbie. I mean, she really loves him. If she could, Julia would write Julia + Barbie 4Eva on her notebooks in school. So much of this week's episode was given over to Julia holding Barbie hostage in a shack (same shack where Barbie killed Peter, Julia's husband. Ah, memories) and torturing him to make him feel her love...or something. There are two kinds of drivel on Under the Dome. The first is Dome-Drivel; the kind that involves amethysts, cocoons, oxytocin, and sexual assaults on teenage boys in order to heal an invaded body. The second is character-emotional drivel; this kind is a bit more complex because it isn't science-fiction mumbo jumbo but, instead, is a series of speeches or lines that are meant to show how well the characters understand themselves and those around them, but comes off as really pretentious. For example, Julia yelling (in an over the top, first year drama student sort of way) that while Ava is Barbie's past, she is his future, or that Barbie is the kind of man who owns his mistakes and doesn't hide in the dark is character-emotional drivel. I have no idea what the first sentiment even means because I don't know how Ava is representative of Barbie's past, but the second doesn't even remotely resemble the Barbie I've seen on screen for three seasons now. Doesn't hide in the dark? You mean like his introduction as a shadow mercenary and later as a hired killer who neglected to tell the woman he was sleeping with all about his past as a shadowy mercenary and hired killer (who murdered her husband?) Yeah, no. Not like Barbie at all. See, it's overly pretentious; the writers think they are about to stick some sort of impactful landing and really drive home character development and understanding, but it comes across as forced and silly.

Speaking of forced and silly: Ava is pregnant and several beautiful women of the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill have been chosen for ritual sacrifice. Or, at least, I assume it's ritual sacrifice. You don't put pretty ladies in white dresses with candles and have them stand in a circle with insipid smiles unless you are about to kill them. Or they are joining a sorority. It's an either or thing, really. Since Ava is not about to pledge her life and existence to the Sisterhood, I can only assume that the lovely ladies are there to offer up their blood for her little Baby-Q to bathe in. Or the baby will eat them. Again, it's an either or situation, really. God, how silly and stupid is this? Eva just slept with Barbie "yesterday" but she's already pregnant because "alien" and this pregnancy is not like other ones? But shouldn't it be? Ava's true form--the scary bug thing--is inhabiting Eva's body but Eva's body is human. Shouldn't a human body + another human body (albeit an infected one with scary bug thing) be a somewhat normal human gestation? It's still just human biology--hence why oxytocin from human biological sex can cure Queen Bee. Am I thinking too hard about the plot mechanics of Under the Dome? Yes, yes I am. I'll stop now. But the long story short is that Eva is carrying a Baby-Q who will be the next Queen and take Queen Bee's place as head of the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill. Also known as Season Four of Under the Dome. May God have mercy on our souls.

Miscellaneous Notes on Plan B

--"George and Ringo just torched the Aktion house." Big Jim is now being used only for snappy one-liners. I think I'm okay with that.

--Who needs a pregnancy test when you have a glowing rock!

--"Kinship phone home." Norrie, don't ever change.

--"I thought you were my mate." Junior continues to be Little Crazypants and think that woman who sleep with him want to be his life partner. Look out, Queen Bee! He could lock you in a bomb shelter like he did with Angie.

--True. Love's. Kiss. (I vomit profusely)

--"Who hooks up with the guy who killed her husband?" OMG THANK YOU BARBIE.

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