Monday, March 9, 2015
In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (4x13)
Snow and Charming are returning from their honeymoon and, as Snow is wont to do, she means to get down to business right away and find a way to defeat Regina and stop the Dark Curse. Charming just wants to have sex. I mean, you can tell that's what he is hinting at. I'm betting Snow let him make the beasts with the two backs once on their honeymoon; the rest of the time she fretted over her step mommy. Now they've arrived home and Charming is looking forward to putting all those rooms in the palace to good use and all Snow wants to do...is fret over her step mommy. Very single minded our Snow White. We're ignoring the fact that during their honeymoon episode, Charming and Snow decided that they needed to live in the moment and not fret so much over Regina. Remember, the writers believe we have amnesia. As usual, I do not; but honestly this retcon is minor and more of a continuity error that stems from the writers never re-watching their own series and pales in comparison to some other ones, so I'll let it go. But, poor Charming. Always something standing in the way of showing off your prowess with a blade. Well, that was dirty and unnecessary of me, wasn't it? Anyway, the three (drag) Queens of Darkness show up with a proposition: we want to stop Regina from enacting the Curse because it will punish us to. That's not a wholly bad idea; Regina's thought behind the curse was incredibly selfish and self-serving. It wasn't about the villains getting their happy ending--as Rumple's is now, or so he claims--but rather it was about her own happy ending and hers alone. Mal was made into a permanent dragon under the town library for her crimes against Regina. Mal wasn't gallivanting around town with the Mayor like frenimes do. So the idea that the three (drag) Queens of Darkness want to stop the Curse back in the EF of the past is a good storyline. Naturally, there is more to it, because of course there is. They can't just have something simple and straight forward like three villains not wanting to be punished in a prison of time--which is motivation enough! Oh no. We gotta have ourselves a secret baby.
Meanwhile in the present day Storybrooke, Snow and Charming bore me to tears by standing around and having the same conversation over and over again. It goes like this: "Cruella and Ursula are in town! They know our secret! We can't let Emma know! What we did was wrong! Ignore the fact that we've never brought it up and it seems to fly in the face of what the show has established previously about our hearts and secrets!" Okay, they may not have said that last part, but I'm adding it for truth. Snow and Charming were taken out by Ursula's tentacles which is a really inappropriate thing to type and say out loud. Actually, side note here, where is Ursula keeping those things? She is dressed in skin tight clothing so where does she store her phallic imagery when they aren't in use? And how big are they? They reached around a desk, went to a back room, and grabbed an object without being seen....so they are super big, super secret, tentacles. For reasons. Anyway, Snow and Charming go to destroy Mal's ashes so that the other two (drag) Queens of Darkness can't bring her back from almost-death. In the end, Cruella cuts their hands and because Snowing's blood is the blood of those who wronged Mal the most (super specific curse there....) the Dragon Lady is brought back and is extra pissy. I mean, first Snow and Charming somehow rob Mal of her daughter and then their own daughter sticks her with the pointy end? Man, the Charmings really are less than charming aren't they? But that's it. That's the big super secret that has kept Snow awake for a week now (but not before!) She and Charming went to great lengths to remove Mal's baby from Mal.
--How does Hook pay for all these coffees and grilled cheeses? He doesn't have a job. Also, where is he living? Is he still living on the docks? Is he crashing with Smee? Is anyone else bothered by this?
--I am passing over every single thing that is Captain Swan for the sake of sanity.
--But, lo, there is a new ship on the horizon. Hello Scarlett Beauty. I am less upset about Rumbelle being broken up than I am about them potentially killing off Ana and ending Will/Ana. I will be so upset if they do that, but I guess not surprised. Ana was the Neal of Wonderland. But, let's face it. This whole sequence was for shock value and thus why it was shot from Rumple's POV and not inside the shop itself.
--The eye makeup on Belle, Emma, and Snow is really starting to bug me. Take off those ridiculous false eyelashes already.
--"If that old bag still wolfed out, I'd turn her into a coat for my collection." I am genuinely liking Cruella more than I thought I would.
--How is it that we've never heard nor seen this blood magic ritual before? How is it that no one has ever attempted it before to bring back Graham, Cora, or even Neal? Do the writers get how stupid "dead is dead" now looks on this show?
--This title doesn't make sense, right? There is a better one out there, I'm sure.
--In spite of my firm stance that this thing on my screen is Not! Rumple, the scene of him watching Belle and Will did break my heart. Bless you Bobby Carlyle. You continue to be a light in this dark time.