In Which I Review Mad Men (7x1)

Time, time, is on my side. 

Welcome to 1969. And, at the same time, welcome to the end of Mad Men. About a year ago, I started this little blog with no direction, no idea what I wanted it to become. Now it's basically a full fledged TV blog and mostly because I decided to talk about an episode of Mad Men early on. I've missed this show. I've missed Don Draper's mountain of never ending emotional problems; I've missed the entire SC&P office; I've missed Peggy's gritted determination to fight for her career over personal life. And I've missed the crazy outfits! Oh 1969--year of color and life and war and death and counterculture and hippies and bell bottoms and the love movement. And then there's Don Draper, skinny tie, monochromatic Don Draper who is fighting with his whole being to stay in the late 1950s/early 1960s because if there is one lesson or axiom of Mad Men, it's that people can't change. Welcome to 1969--sit down, have a drink, and get ready for a terribly depressing but somehow familiar episode of Mad Men entitled "Time Zones."

 It's always nice when a TV show just points out its central theme in the opening moments. Less picking apart for me. "Do you have time to improve your life?" In a pitch to Peggy, Freddy nicely sets out the main idea for not only this episode, but I'd wager for the whole season. Is it too late to change your life? 7 seasons in which we move through 10 years and here, at the end, how much have these people changed? And more importantly, are they capable of change? Don moves stoically down an airport ramp, bright neon colors to his right, but he is literally standing still--the same Don Draper. Hat and all. Everything California once was for him before Ana died--life, color, freedom--is now tainted by the mountain of internal conflict that is Don's life. Still out of work (but getting paid) Don is flying back and forth (being bi-coastal) to see Meghan, who has finally decided that she's going after her dreams, marriage be damned.

Damn, Meghan Draper. First off, that is an impossibly short dress. Like, I fear what would happen if a good breeze were to stir. However, there is no denying that Meghan is in her element. She's everything Don is not: progressive, moving forward, fearless. She's in control now--did you notice how she's the one who drove the car not Don? Ah, the times. They are a-changing. Are Don and Meghan still in love? It's a question I asked myself repeatedly while watching this episode. And that question was followed by, "were they ever in love?" I don't know if Don sees Meghan anymore (I might be over analyzing but Meghan's dress is the exact color of one of the wall panels Don passed in the airport, and to which he was completely oblivious). And more to the point, I don't think Meghan wants Don to see her anymore. She can barely stomach being in the same room with him, never mind the same bed. Their one intimate moment at the end of the episode was awkward and forced--it felt necessary because he had come all this way and they are married, so might as well have sex, right? There was no actual intimacy between the two, a fact that is punctuated by the actual intimacy (but no sex) Don shares with a total stranger on the flight home.

Their time together in LA continues to be awkward as Meghan leaves for class and auditions and blatantly ignores time with Don, saying that he isn't even there long enough for there to be a fight. Meghan wants nothing from Don anymore, including a giant TV in her new home. This is a home Meghan made herself; she chose it (Don wanted to be near the ocean); she decorated it and an extravagant gift from Don is unwelcome, an invasion even. Their lives are lived one weekend at a time and Meghan is perfectly okay with that. Don, however, is not, though I suspect it has nothing to do with loving Meghan and wanting a life with her--this is how Don thinks the world works. He buys the lady an expensive gift for which she is grateful and impressed by the strong man who can provide. But Meghan is on her own and doing better than Don. So Don's trip to LA is mostly spent trying to pretend his life is the same as always, but at every turn we see it is not. Meghan rejects him sexually until the end; Don is not working but instead watching TV that touts the idea of a paradise where life is a delight instead of hardship, a concept Don cannot grasp despite his worldly possessions.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Don Draper will not--indeed cannot--enter 1970. When it comes to Don's death, I know the popular theory is that he'll throw himself off his work building but I'm starting to wonder if he won't drown himself. One of the themes replete last season was the idea of drowning--including a drug induced haze in which Don saw his body in a pool, dead, until he was actually pulled from the watery tomb by Roger AND a client pitch in which his entire ad is for suicide by drowning in the ocean, a maudlin reversal of Don's baptism in season 2.  That motif was picked up again in this episode: Meghan wants a pool at her next house, Don wishes the house in LA was near the ocean, and on the plane home the stranger reveals that her husband died of thirst. All of this, in my opinion, is careful foreshadowing that Don Draper will die by drowning by the end of this season. Does Don Draper even belong in this world anymore? Where is his paradise? If season 6 was about the Inferno, then season 7 is about a move to paradise, but Don's paradise is not part of this world anymore. He's not at home in New York City (can't even get the doors of his balcony closed anymore! Metaphor alert! Metaphor alert!); California is a like a foreign land to him now where once it was where he could be his true self. 

California now belongs to Don's doppelganger, Pete. Tanned, plaid pants wearing, hugging, happy, sunny, carefree, Peter. Mr. Campbell has always been following in the footsteps of Don: one failed marriage, distant father, trying to be more than he can. But California has been good to Pete; he has found himself like Don once did in the sunny state. Pete has his own office, a new girl, and a new outlook on life. I started this blog by stating that Mad Men is essentially about the fact that people don't change; Peter looks to be the exception to this rule. Except nothing is so clear cut in Mad Men. I think we should keep our eye on Peter Campbell for the rest of the season. Don Draper once thought he had it all too when he married Meghan--this was his second chance. Didn't end well for Don, can't see it ending well for Peter.

And finally, Don achieves intimacy with a nameless stranger on an airplane. She is a total Sylvia stand in. Remember Sylvia? She of the Italian Catholic stand in for mother and whore to Don last season? Well this stranger was dressed and styled just like Sylvia. Don's relationship with Sylvia last season was interesting; on some level, I think Don really loved her because she was the representation of what Don wants: a mother (who can also be a whore--he's a complicated guy, okay?) So here is a woman, who after some brief getting to know you philosophy conversation, offers him sex and Don declines. Why? Because Don is just empty. Almost nothing is going to help him at this point. Drink, sex, Meghan. Nothing fills that void in his soul. Now, work does marginally, as it always has. Don has been feeding Freddy pitches, working even when he's not supposed to. Work still drives Don but eventually it will be as empty for him as the other factors unless Don can move forward and thus far this episode has done nothing to show me that Don is capable of that. And by the end of the episode, Don sits on his penthouse balcony, in the freezing cold, as the song "You just keep me hanging on..." plays over the credits.

Having checked in with Don, how about the rest of our shinning cast? When we last left Peggy, she was in Don's office, finally (literally) wearing the pants. Sadly, that was not to last. Peggy is back in skirts, playing second fiddle to Lou Avery the new creative director. Her ideas are tossed aside; she is barely allowed to present pitches; her hard work goes unnoticed. She is alone--not even her friend Stan is much help. Couple this with a broken heart over Ted, who inexplicably shows up at the office seemingly to torment her and remind her of what once was, and Peggy is still Peggy. Having spent 10 years pushing for her career, thinking she was getting somewhere, she is still on the outside, looking in. She's lost Don and Ted and Abe, and it's too much. Poor sad Peggy on the floor of her apartment, crying. Even if Don treated her like crap and was a monster half the time, he acknowledged her brilliance and she felt like she had someone in her corner.

And then there is Joan, who has been apart of this business for sixteen years and is still treated like a secretary who is only good for two things: fixing other people's mistakes quietly and being an object of desire. So when she is given a bigger task (meeting with a client one on one for drinks) it seems like a promotion. Or at least a step in the right direction for Joan; but the client, some uppity young guy with a head full of new and exciting ideas that won't pan out, won't see her as special. She's just Joan, the busty woman who should be getting him a drink and smiling prettily. She might have saved the day in the end, but even Ken tells her, "don't go in my office again." She's never going to get the respect she deserves. She'll always be below the male partners and even below Peggy, despite having just as much skill in the boardroom as the others.

And Roger Sterling continues his descent into counterculture: drugs, orgies, drinking, late nights. It's no longer about enlightenment for him. I think it's about self-loathing at this point. Even when Margaret is giving a pretty speech about forgiveness and love over hate, Roger is thinking about his next drink. Will Roger make it to 1970? After this little talk, I don't think so. No one seems to care about him anymore. He is even more in the past than Don, despite his attempts to remain abreast of it all. His daughter has granted forgiveness, his partners don't care where he is, his former best friend Don hasn't been around for him and even the hippie sharing his bed brings another man into it, not caring if Roger was with someone else or not.

Do you have time to change your life? A resounding NO to everyone here. Even the smaller players like Ken, who has suddenly become very Peter like in his tirades and exhaustion whereas before he let the job just roll off of him, can't hope to change, except for the worse. How does this play out? Don goes back to work eventually, where he'll fall into the same habits of drink, depending on Peggy, narcissism, self-loathing, and his emotional mountain of crap. And nothing changes. As we get closer and closer to 1970, slouching ever closer to Bethlehem or so sayeth the poets, Don will get closer and closer to the edge. Why don't you set him free? You're just keeping him hanging on.

Miscellaneous Notes on Time Zones

--All in all, I thought this was a great start to the final season.

--I wonder what Betty and co. have been up to, especially little Sally. Sally's relationship with Don is one of the cornerstones of this show. What happened after Don took his children to see where he grew up?

--"She knows, I'm not a good husband."
"If she doesn't know you, keep it that way. It's what people do."

--Peter hugged Don. I don't know if I'm freaked out by this or not.

In Which I Review Once Upon a Time (3x17)

Yo ho yo ho, a pirate's life for Hook. 

Can you go back to the past? Can you live the life you once had, even if you've (maybe) fundamentally changed? Such are the questions Captain Hook is asking himself in this week's episode, "The Jolly Roger." This episode tries to tie some threads together concerning Hook and the lost year, but sadly not the right threads. Why would I suspect that Hook and Ariel had interactions during that year? Shouldn't we be focused more on the message Hook received and how he got to New York City? Thus, after two weeks of angst and drama and death, a filler episode that tries to lighten the mood; of course the major problem is that this tangent into feeling lighter comes crashing down at the end with an overly contrived forced curse (number 4520, for those keeping track). Captain Hook no longer wants to be a pirate, but once a pirate, always a pirate. 

Hookriel 

Here's a confession: I've been shipping Hook and Ariel long before our favorite red head ever flopped on to the show. The idea of a pirate and a mermaid was so utterly romantic and fairy tale that I really thought the writers would take a bold leap forward and break up a canonical Disney couple (Ariel and Eric) and give a fresh perspective. Of course, I'm slowly learning that the writers are nowhere near that clever. After seeing them interact this week, I'm shaking my fists and yelling "curse you!" because Hook and Ariel really were good together, just like I suspected. It might shock some to learn that I enjoyed this episode, for the most part. It was fun and thrilling with some humor tossed in for good measure. After Captain Hook took a horse and rode away from the Charming family, he found everything a pirate needs: a loyal band of rag tag men of questionable morals, drink, free license to pillar and plunder. He found everything he needs, except the one thing he truly wanted: his ship, the Jolly Roger. The Jolly Roger has gone missing and what's a pirate to do? Why turn to land pirating of course! Hook is still a pirate in all the ways that count--he steals from men for his own wealth, he drinks, he's loud and boisterous. Hook's exactly what Captain Hook should be--with one notable exception. Hook is now above sleeping with tavern wenches apparently. How utterly ludicrous. A year ago, he told Neal he was backing off Emma for "the sake of Henry" and then went to solicit drunken sex from Tinkerbell, while Emma was downstairs! But now, for some inexplicable reason, believing that he will never see Emma ever again and knowing that her memories are wiped, he is above sleeping with a wench?? Why? Because he is just so deeply in love with Emma Swan of course!

Whatever. It's not like Emma is Milah 2.0 (except Hook thinks she is. Look at the way he's treating his "loss" of her). So what is Ariel doing here? Our poor little mermaid has lost her true love, Eric. When the whole gang was POOFed back to the Enchanted Forest, Ariel lost track of her prince; she has only recently learned that Eric was kidnapped by the captain of the Jolly Roger--Hook's ship. Since then, Ariel has been trying to track down Hook, following him, waiting for the chance to confront Hook and demand to know where her love is. When the moment comes, Hook convinces Ariel that he has no knowledge of Eric's whereabouts; he is no longer the captain of the Jolly Roger. However, Ariel has a handy clue (plot device #45231) to assist the two in figuring out who does have the precious ship. It's the most bloodthirsty pirate ever--Blackbeard! A few issues: Blackbeard, was a real person. He has an actual historical record--meaning he shouldn't be appearing in Fairy Tale Land. Thus far, ONCE has been walking a fine line between historical people and pseudo-legendary peoples. Robin Hood and Mulan, for instance, are both considered mythic folk heroes of their respective lands who are believed to be real because of popularity but without any direct evidence to support their historicity. Blackbeard, though, was very real. Now, it's possible that they pulled him in to the story because, in J.M. Barrie's work, Hook was once the boatswain to Blackbeard, but still it's bothersome to have a historical person suddenly appear in a land of fairy tales.

Hook and his loyal companion Smee want to take back their ship and Ariel wants to come along! After all, according to pirate code, because she gave Hook the information, she is entitled to the spoils--Eric in this case. Hook is less interested in saving Eric than he is in finding his ship. After all "she's more than that (a boat)!" Oh, I see what's happening here. Hook is talking about EMMA. Isn't that clever? (hint: no). Emma Swan literally just became an object to Hook; he is substituting another object (his ship) for the true object of his desire (Emma). There are some points I could make here about sexual innuendos in the form of ship-as-penis, but I won't. Maybe I'm too much of a feminist, but this *really* bothers me. The idea that he's associating an inanimate object with a woman would indicate that to him, Emma is something else to possess and hold---she's just a thing. Without his ship (read: Emma) Hook is nothing--which I suppose is the sort of cockamamie drivel spewed out in fanfiction but unless the writers are taking cues from online reading, they should know better. Well Hook yearning for Emma sad and all, but it's also a bit unrealistic. Emma has never given Hook any sort of indication that she wants something more from him. When he brings up their kiss in Neverland, Emma states again and again, "it was just a kiss." When Hook said he'd think about her everyday while in then Enchanted Forest, her response was "good?" Emma has never given him any sort of "wait for me!" feelings, so his pining is borderline obsessive and creepy.

But a pirate needs his ship, so off we trudge to find the vessel. And then in a moment of surrealism, Hook fights the cartoon version of himself. I have no doubt that this was intentional, make Hook basically fight the more ruthless version of himself, but it was just odd, to be frank. They dressed Blackbeard exactly how Captain Hook of Disney's Peter Pan dressed. Red coat, curly wig, tricorn hat---THIS is Captain Hook. This is who our Hook was supposed to be. So while, I'm sure, it's an artistic statement about Hook literally fighting against his nature by bringing on a a recognizable incarnation of himself, it made me raise my eyebrows. Also, Blackbeard is supposed to set his beard on fire--it was his trademark. Which again raises the question of why bring in a historical person if you aren't actually making them the historical person? This could have been any old pirate! Blackbeard refuses to give up the ship; it is his by right of conquest, and thus, pirate dual! I'll admit, this part was fun. It was what I'd expect from two pirates who engage in shenanigans (also: nice call back to Peter Pan with the dueling behind the sail).

 Ariel stops Hook before he slices and dices Blackbeard because Eric is not on board and their deal was to find both the ship and Eric. Blackbeard, seeing that Hook has turned "soft," offers up this bit of information: Eric is on an island and if Hook kills Blackbeard, he'll take the secret of Eric to his grave. OR Hook can let Blackbeard take the Jolly Roger and in exchange, Blackbeard will tell them the whereabouts of Eric. Of course, you know how this plays out. Hook the Hero (which was one of the driving narrative arcs of the first half of this season) would hand over his ship  But apparently not? If you thought that Hook would hand over his ship for Ariel's love, you're wrong. Don't worry. I didn't think he'd kill Blackbeard either. While I may not like Hook that much, I do admit that he has begun to walk Redemption Road, so for him to suddenly kill a man by feeling him to sharks was really unexpected. I really thought he'd hear Ariel's pleas and change his mind. But apparently love only gets you years of heartache and misery and he is doing Ariel a FAVOR. Again, there is a lack of sense here. Hook has only known Emma for a few months by this point (Season 2 taking place, at most, over the course of 2 or 3 months) during which time, he and Emma have flirted and he's pursued but she's never given him reason to. Hook's declaration of pain over lost love falls on deaf ears for me when he and Emma have never been a couple! If this were about Milah, it would make more sense as Hook spent 300 years obsessively trying to avenge her death after loosing his first true love. I still think Hook has taken his left over feelings for Milah and transferred them to Emma; he sees her as Milah 2.0: a mother who has a spirit of adventure and can climb beanstalks and fight giants. But where Milah and Emma differ are in their life choices and expectations: Emma doesn't want the next adventure around the river bend; she wants stability and comfort. Ariel, disgusted with this pirate, decides she'll find Eric on her own, without his help. And now Hook has his ship.

Oh What Fresh Hell Is This?

Back in Storybrooke, in the present, Emma is once again using Hook as a babysitter. Henry has taken a shine to the man in leather and finds him fun. Bit of a complaint here, but Hook--stop flirting. I get it, it's part of your character but Neal JUST died and was buried yesterday. You cannot be hitting on Emma like this; it's common decency and courtesy. Implying that Emma is using her son as a means to spend alone time with you rather nauseating. And once again, Hook does a nice song and dance about the past year and being super vague about what actually happened to him. Emma pesters him, and Hook deflects and gives her the woobie Hook eyes and some speech about how you can never go back to the past life you had. Sidenote, but where is the Jolly Roger? Hook got it back from Blackbeard, but it's not in Storybrooke. There is another story we aren't being told yet, which is annoying as it means I'm going to have to sit through another hour of the Hook show. While I suspect he traded it for a way to get back to Emma, waiting this long is getting tiresome. I get that it's romantic buildup for the two, but just get it over with because my level of interest is zilch. Of course, there's a giant curve ball here at the end with these two, but we'll get to that. 

While Emma is off practicing magic (something very cool about this episode but also something that received less screen time than it should) Ariel washes up on shore. When questioned, Ariel says that she has been looking for Eric because she can't find him in Storybrooke. Despite traveling to every realm, Ariel remains prince-less and like everyone else, memory-less. Enter Hook, the only person who does remember the missing year. When the Charmings bring Ariel to Hook, he just flat out lies: I've never heard of Prince Eric, I've never met Ariel, I have no idea what is happening. And then he tries to get out of helping Ariel find her prince because he has babysitting duty. Of course, the reason why he's lying is due to how guilty he feels about what happened in the past year with Ariel, but still, so much lying going on. Hook reluctantly agrees to help Ariel and the two go off to Gold's shop to see if Belle can provide some much needed magical assistance. Hook finds Eric's cloak which somehow ended up in the shop (don't question it!).

Using a tracking spell, Ariel and Hook go in search of Eric, following the magical cloak! The cloak, however, plunges into the icy depths of Storybrooke harbor and Ariel assumes the worst: Eric is dead. In a touching moment that clutched my Hookriel heart, Ariel thanks Hook for helping her today. She claims he has a good heart and is more than a pirate. Of course the irony here is that Hook remembers everything and knows that if Eric is dead, he's responsible. He chose his ship over Ariel's love so while she is touting him as a knight in shining armor, Hook knows that underneath it all, it's a false narrative and he's still a pirate. In a moment of conscience, Hook goes after Ariel and tells her the whole truth: I am responsible for Eric's death. Ariel, horrified, slaps Hook and makes him confess on the name of the woman he loves (Emma Swan) that he still believes in love. This is all so contrived at this point; why does Ariel gives two shakes of a lambs tail what Hook believes or doesn't? Oh right. She's not Ariel.

Congratulations, Hook! You've been Zelena'd. So this whole time, in present day Storybrooke, Ariel has been Zelena. The real Ariel found Eric and is living happily ever after with him on an island (and we'll never see him them ever again. The writers just copped out on that story). So what does Zelena want? To corrupt Hook's love. Okay, what? She flicks some magic green shiny lip balm at Hook and how his kiss is tainted. If Hook kisses Emma now, the Savior will loose all her magical abilities and Zelena will be able to kill her. If Hook doesn't kiss Emma and rob her of her powers, Zelena will kill everyone Emma loves: her parents, her friends, her son. I have to say this: they killed Neal for CaptainSwan. This episode basically proves this. The writers could not come up with a way to put Hook and Emma together (because it was never their intention) without killing Neal; and now, instead of letting Hook and Emma grow organically, they've once again engineered a situation for a kiss. Last time, David was dying of dreamshade poison and Emma was grateful. This time, Hook must kiss Emma or everyone dies!!! Oh good grief. Seriously? If you want me to believe that CaptainSwan is more than just fanservice at this point, then don't come up with magical handwaving excuses to put them together. Let it grow by itself if that's what is supposed to happen. So now it's the kiss of death for Emma; unless she breaks it with True Love, right? True Love is supposed to override all curses so if Emma and Hook do kiss and it's true love then it should break both curses--the one that erased everyone's memories and the one on Hook's lips. But if it doesn't work, then doesn't that mean that they don't have true love? Who knows. It's so overly contrived at this point that I can't even really figure out what Zelena's end game with Emma is. Does she want Emma's powerless or does she want Emma's powers for herself?

Back at the apartment, Hook lies lies lies  to Emma's face and Emma eats it up. So much for your superpower, Emma Swan. That man isn't even doing a good job of trying to lie and you still can't tell. What is happening to Emma Swan? She has always been a strong independent woman who didn't suffer fools lightly--who killed a dragon with sword because she's the Savior. Now she has become some tittering school girl who swoons at the idea that Hook is being modest and heroic. And in a moment of absolutely cruelty, Emma says that she no longer wants to live in the past, so it doesn't matter what Hook did in the past year; he can keep it all to himself. Are you serious? Who is this girl?! Neal just died and already she's ready to move on? They just buried him yesterday in Storybrooke time. This isn't not an accurate depiction of how humans grieve. Instead of taking time and letting Emma heal, they've jumped right into another relationship. It doesn't matter if Emma and Neal were never going to be together ever again, she did LOVE him. And this line about being tired of living in the past is so cold and callous that I'm shocked the writers even put it in. Emma's deserves an honest love and so far this developing relationship between the Savior and the Pirate is built solely on lies because Hook now has free license to keep on lying because Emma no longer cares about the lying. And now Hook is sad and in pain and takes the opportunity to spy on Emma, looking longingly at what he wants but can't have. Oh cry me a river. I don't care about Killian's man pain. Just tell the family what Zelena did! Regina and Emma will figure it out probably using some heretofore unmentioned plot device and everything will be right as rain. But that would totally disrupt all the lying going on, now wouldn't it?

Miscellaneous Notes on The Jolly Roger

--Snow and Charming are officially idiots. Really? You let the 13 yr old drive?! To prove that you're not boring??? Why is everyone acting so OOC!

--Of course Snowing teaching Henry to drive isn't as bad as Hook teaching the boy to cheat while instilling that all important moral that it's more important to win than play fair.

--Smee made this episode. More Smee!

--I love that Regina is putting up protection spells to protect Snow and Charming. THAT's character development.

--Regina and Emma learning magic was really great. I wish that had more focus in this episode. Emma has so much potential and magic inside of her; it needs to be explored now. Of course when Hook kisses her, all that will be lost.

--The family scene at the end was really heartwarming. Too bad it was in conjuncture to Hook spying on Emma like a creep.

In Which I Review Once Upon a Time (3x16)

Zelena's father is Kermit the Frog. 

Ok, not really. But I had to get one Kermit joke out of my system before reviewing. You give me an episode called, "It's Not Easy Being Green," and while it might be low hanging fruit it doesn't mean I am not going to go ahead and pick it. 
This is our first back story for the woman who would become the Wicked Witch of Oz. In the week following Neal Cassidy's senseless and gratuitous murder, I have been contemplating justification for killing a good guy. There is this idea that ONCE is presenting that in order to defeat Wicked, you must have proper motivation. Without that fire under you, good will apparently sit back, kick up their heels, and let the situation unfold--which is basically antithetical to fairy tales in general. You fight evil/wickedness because it's evil/wicked. You do not need the death of a loved to suddenly make you sit up and declare that you shall fight! In other words, I continue to be bothered by Neal's death, but I recognize that I cannot focus on this too much. However, this week, it isn't about Neal (he has been forgotten, as predicted) but rather about how envy is not a good color on the powerful. 

Showdown at the O.K. Corral 

I honestly don't want to dwell too long on this sham of a funeral. If you had not watched last week, would you have known who was in that coffin? No words, no speeches, no heartfelt moments of angst as the town (seriously, who the hell are half those people!) turns out to "say" goodbye to Nealfire. When Archie "died" in season 2, words were said. Speeches were made. Hugs were given. There was none of that for this funeral. Instead our main characters each took a turn putting dirt on Neal's coffin. That's it. It lasted maybe 5 minutes and then it was over. And, I need to say this, but is there a reason why HOOK is getting the focus of this scene? I swear the camera focused on him more than Emma or Henry. The gang moves over to Granny's diner for a (sham) of a wake (where there are no pictures of Neal at his own wake) and the plot quickly progresses past "sad town is sad." (Side note: but I'm basically skipping over everything that happens between Hook and Henry until the note section. It was terrible filler).

Zelena, feeling totally invincible now that she has a sane Dark One, crashes the wake to gloat about her victory over the town (evil, green skinned...*grumble*). Quick tangent, but why does Zelena only NOW feel invincible? She was a super human baby--shouldn't Zelena feel pretty powerful all on her own? I don't think having the Dark One on a leash is actually helping her power, but rather Zelena just likes the control. She and Jafar need to hook up. WickedSnake! Anyway, Zelena notes that she's not there for Snow's baby, at least not today, but her real reason for interrupting the wake is to have a nice little chat with her baby sister. Can we talk about some of the dialogue in this scene? Could it be any cheesier? "This isn't the wild west." "No dear, it's the wicked west." Really? And challenging Regina to a battle at sundown in the town square? I half expected a tumbleweed to go blowing across the screen and that spaghetti western whistle to be heard. Regina should have shown up in spurs. I don't know why they felt the need to bring in spaghetti western tropes into this episode, especially when the epic showdown was anything but. It didn't translate on screen; western high-noon showdowns are bloodbaths; the only victim of the Zelena/Regina match up was poor Doc's Miata. But we'll get to this in a bit.  Zelena spills the beans that she and Regina are half sisters, which only confuses Regina but Zelena tells her to dig into her past and she'll find the answer.

Regins scurries off to investigate and comes across plot device #7633. Also known as a heretofore unmentioned letter from Rumple to Cora (because I write letters to my exes all time, especially the ones who LITERALLY rip out hearts), gloating how he has found her first born and how she's such a spectacular sorceress. Regina apparently knew about this letter all along (ugh) and used to read it, comforting herself that she was special and capable. But now she realizes that the sorceress in question is Zelena, her sister. How did Regina put that together? I mean, anyone can forge a letter. And why does her mind jump to "aha!" that quickly? The letter was really just a way to advance the plot along without dwelling too much on character (oh hey, a theme) and if we're being perfectly honest, it was a way to get Regina and Robin to meet up and make with the flirty flirty eyes. Now, I have nothing against OutlawQueen, in fact I quite like their chemistry. But they keep coming up with all these situations to throw them together so that the two can have deep meaningful talks, but this is not the time for shipping moments. There is a witch on the loose--romance later!

Meanwhile, while Regina is contemplating her letter, Belle wants to try and rescue Rumple. If anyone can get through to him, it's her. It's a sign of how low the show has fallen in my eyes when I can't even muster up some joy at seeing my OTP reunited. Mostly, I was just annoyed at Belle's bizarre acrobatic act, trying to reach Rumple in the cage. Girl, take five steps forward. There is no need for this reaching contortion thing you are doing. There is a little moment between them, but Zelena shows up and ruins it by having Rumple chase Belle out of the basement (yeah, she needs to die). So now there is no hope except in Regina--she must face Zelena and her Dark One pet at sundown. Rumple and Belle are never going to be together, are they? They'll keep them separated because that's how you create drama. Because couples couldn't possibly have drama while being together.

So now it's night time and Zelena is not a patient woman. I am going to nitpick this, but what does sundown actually mean? Does it mean when the sun is no longer in the sky at all? Does it mean when the sun begins to set? Is it based on geography? Because it's sundown on Main Street, but go two blocks west and hello Mr. Sun! Regina is late (she likes to make an entrance) so Zelena has some fun taunting the crowd with the Dark One. Let's take a second and praise Robert Carlyle, who has always been an unstoppable force on this show. His raw pain and anguish here is real. He's just lost his son, he chased away his true love, and now he might have to kill the people he died to protect just 5 episodes before. All magic comes with a price, and that decision to become the Dark One all those years ago, really is catching up with him. Regina and her bright red gloves (what is up with those gloves? Did they serve a purpose? Was it symbolic? Was it to make watching the magical hand waving visible at night?) finally shows up and the sisters taunt each other for awhile. Zelena resents that Regina was even born. And then the fight begins. And it's epic! It's flashy and magic-y and full of awesome witch dueling. Just kidding. It lasts for about 2 minuets. Regina throws a stop light at Zelena who deflects, throws Regina onto Doc's Miata (RIP Doc's car) and then up to the clock tower to have some alone time.

So what does Zelena want? Regina's heart. Black and tortured though it may be, she wants Regina's heart. And if Regina learned one thing from Mommy Dearest, it's never bring your heart to a witch fight (Cora would be so proud). So all this was for nothing--Zelena leaves empty handed. Regina and gang begin to put together the pieces: Zelena took Charming's courage and tried to take Regina's heart. Those are ingredients for something, who knows what. Back in Rumple's cage, Zelena finally tells the audience what she wants, why she is doing all this. But before we get into that, I want to look at the flashbacks because the plan will make more (well, marginally more) sense.

We're Off To See The Wizard

Baby Zelena was dropped off in Oz by a twister. Because children survive such things. Some magical, green twister picked her up in the Enchanted Forest and deposited her (conveniently) in front of a woodcutter and his wife. The wife is enamored but the husband sees the child do magic (burn her!) and is repulsed that the child is not like them. But the wife prevails and they take baby Zelena home with them. Welcome to Oz. Years pass and Zelena grows up with a drunk for a father, which we knew. But when her father finally gives up the ghost that Zelena is not his child, she is legitimately hurt and decides to go see the Wizard of Oz who can reunite her with her real family. A villain who has a tragic back story, was abandoned and abused and who feels resentment. Gee, where have I seen this before. The villain cycle on ONCE is laughable at this point. Every villain is just a take on previous ones. If this had been the first time Adam and Eddy had introduced the idea of child abandonment leads to mental instability, then I’d applaud their creation of this villain and be more open to her story.
But the fact is, it’s not. It is the exact same formula they’ve used in the past. And that’s why I find it less appealing because OF COURSE she has abandonment issues and parent issues and rage.

Zelena goes to see the Wizard, who is a larger than life figure behind a curtain. The Wizard understands Zelena's dilemma and agrees to help her out. Using his magic all seeing floor, the Wizard shows Zelena her past--an image of Cora abandoning her in the woods in the Enchanted Forest because Zelena would prevent her from achieving her goal of becoming royalty. He also shows Zelena her sister Regina, who is weaker magically but still under the tutelage of Rumple. Zelena is incredibly jealous of Regina; she is far more powerful than Regina, she should be the one taught by Rumple. It was a veritable hissy fit. In order to get to the Enchanted Forest, Zelena needs a portal and those are in short supply. Except they aren't. We've been told since day one that moving between worlds is incredibly hard, but every season they come up with another method. I suppose I can't complain too much with this one because this one IS in the actual story of Oz. The slippers of course. Quick side note, but for legal reasons they are not allowed to be ruby. That was an adaptation for the 1939 MGM movie and they are heavily copyrighted. In the book, they are silver, so they are silver here as well. Clicking her heels three times, Zelena takes herself to the Enchanted Forest where she meets Rumple.

Rumple is instantly impressed with Zelena; her magical abilities far exceed Regina's. He has no problem training Zelena too. The relationship between Zelena and Rumple is not the same as Regina and Rumple. Rumple and Regina have a very student/teacher relationship that is often tense as the student tries to surpass the master; Zelena, just learning that her mother abandoned and that her sister got all the nice stuff that she should have had, latches on to Rumple. She sees him not only as a teacher, but a father, and--because it's Rumple and my sparkly Imp has game--a husband. It's a confusing relationship for her but also for the audience. Does she want to kiss Rumple or to call him papa? But whatever it may be in Zelena's head, she comes to care and love for Rumple. Which is a problem if Zelena is to be the one to cast the curse.

When Zelena learns that Rumple is essentially two timing her by still teaching Regina, her envious side shines through. Shouldn't SHE be his only pupil? Isn't SHE the special one? Isn't SHE the one with the most talent and promise (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!)? But Rumple is Rumple. This curse means everything to him; he has to hedge his bets. And Zelena literally starts turning green with envy. Now, I don't have a huge problem with this idea because we have seen that emotions can affect your outward appearance--as Rumple and Belle fall in love in "Skin Deep," his skin becomes far less reptilian and more soft gold and green. So this isn't a new concept but it's still a little eye roll worthy. Does this mean her color changes based on her mood? I would say she's moved from envy to envy plus rage with a side of bitter resentment  (what does green and red make?) Seeing that Zelena is coming to care for him too much, Rumple sets up a test and in which Zelena is fooled into believing that she killed Regina in order to have Rumple all to herself. Rumple realizes that in order for Zelena to cast the dark curse, she'd have to sacrifice HIS heart. And then Rumple's quest to find Bae would be moot (kinda is now that he's dead, but I digress). Rumple rejects Zelena and in her anger, Zelena tells Rumple that he could have used her slippers to go to a land without magic, but now it's too late. From now on, they are enemies.

 Storming back to Oz, Zelena confronts the man behind the curtain. Zelena wants a do-over, change the past and change your destiny (save the cheerleader, save the world). If she can go back in time and make it so that Regina was never born, then Zelena could take her place as Cora's daughter, Rumple's favorite student, and Rumple's daughter/wife/something super creepy. But the Wizard has some depressing news: you cannot change the past. That is outside of his control. In a fit of rage, Zelena pulls down the curtain and we come face to face with the charlatan who is the Wizard of Oz: Walsh. Yup. Monkey boy is the Wizard; some time ago, Walsh came to Oz from Kansas and set himself up as the Wizard of Oz. Emma Swan dated the Wizard of Oz: better or worse than a monkey? But, like in the classic book, the Wizard is pretty much useless. He has parlor tricks, but that's it. Instead of having genuine power, he has collected items of power--such as the slippers. Zelena ain't got time for this nonsense, so she turns him to a flying monkey. Then, as her envy begins to seep through even more, her plan takes shape. Somehow, someway, Zelena will figure out a way to change the past, to prevent Regina from ever being born. The heart, courage, and brains are ingredients to change the past. What, no genies? I am bothered by how easy it seems to change the laws of magic now. These laws were supposed to be unbreakable, but now there are TWO spells that can do that? Seems contrived. I wish this show would make up its mind: it's impossible to travel to other worlds (except for beans, portals, looking glasses, ashes, tornado, shoes); You cannot change the past (except for two spells); Dead is dead (except it almost never is). So what does this mean for what we've seen on this show so far? I have no idea. If Regina isn't born then Snow doesn't become a bandit, doesn't met Charming and Emma isn't born. If Emma isn't born then she never meets Neal and never has Henry. Neal wold have come to our world, but never met Emma and probably died anyway. Adam and Eddy always said no time travel, but this plot seems to contradict this. I am going to try and keep an open mind, though. Maybe they haven't jumped the shark.

Miscellaneous Notes on It's Not Easy Being Green

--The CGI for the Wizard's chamber room was better than previous CGI sets. However, Emerald City itself and the yellow brick road was a bit iffy.

--Henry and Hook: There was a certain amount of tenderness and sweetness to them, but for me, it was overshadowed by the fact that I don’t have amnesia. I remember everything Hook’s ever done, including giving Bae to the Lost Boys. This will never be addressed on screen and that bugs me. He needs to give some exposition about how he tried to go after Bae or how horrible he feels. But right now it’s coming off as “I raised Bae like a loving step-papa” while forgetting everything Hook did. The writers make Regina and Rumple bear the consequence of their crimes every season. Hook doesn’t get a pass from me. It’s sloppy character development.

--"I don't dance with amateurs" "I'm not an amateur. I'm the Savior." That's all good and well, Emma Swan, but what have you done in the past few episodes to show that you're the Savior? You walked through the woods for two episodes in order to drive the shipping community into a frenzy, but so far, your Savior title isn't holding up. Don't ask permission to go after her. Just DO IT. 

--I do think this episode was better than both The Tower and Quiet Minds, but the repetitive nature of ONCE is getting...well..repetitive. At one point, Zelena actually says: "We are doing it all over again." Yes, yes we are.

--Despite all the clues, I call "red (green?) herring" that Zelena is our Dorothy. 

--"I have that effect on women." That is total nod to the fangirls of Rumple (of whom there are a startling amount, including yours truly).

--Predictions: Zelena used Dorothy's heart to cast the Curse that sent everyone back to Storybrooke. Zelena's father is the Scarecrow.

In Which I Review Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (1x13)

And they lived happily ever after. 

How else do fairy tales end? All in all, while this was by no means the strongest episode of the series, it was exactly what I thought it would be. Evil is defeated, wrongs are righted, forgiveness is granted, and everyone gets their happily ever after. There was nothing overly shocking in this episode, though there is one incident that does anger me in light of last weeks Once Upon a Time. This week's Once Wonderland, "And They Lived..." put everything in a box, wrapped it with a bow and then placed it on a shelf as a complete story. 

 The final episode picks up mere moments after the previous; Jafar and Amara are finishing the spell to break the laws of magic, making them the two most powerful sorceress in all the lands, capable of doing anything they desire. I have to admire the lightening storm here, it was well done, and Mark Isham's background music for this scene was deeply eery and foreboding. Jafar is in perfect horrible villain form, uttering "it is done" in wonderment as the spell finishes. Meanwhile, Alice is trying to tell Cyrus to hold on, who apparently didn't die but was only wounded. Keep that in mind, it'll be important later. Jafar is now set on getting everything he wanted: his father's love (or so I was lead to believe for 12 episodes).

With a simple flick of his wrist, Jafar has the love of his father, who goes from sadistic to gushing his undying love to his son in a matter of seconds. Now, when we saw "Bad Blood," where we learned the history between Jafar and the Sultan, I had a ton of sympathy for Jafar. It was something ONCE does well; they give sympathetic backstories to their bad guys, trying to live up to the idea that evil isn't born, but made. Jafar's quest to earn the love of his parent was--misguided to be sure--but somewhat heartwarming. My sympathy for Jafar began to wain when he kept doing acts that I simple could not condone. But now that Jafar has magicked his father into loving him, Jafar's true intentions are laid bare: he never wanted his father's love in the first place. He wanted his father to die at the hands of someone he loved, just like Jafar had. The Sultan tried to drown Jafar, so Jafar magically drowns the Sultan, watching his father fight for air, just like he did as a ten year old boy. It was a violent, messy end, and if there was one genuine surprise, it was this one. I really did think Jafar wanted his father's love.

While Jafar is busy committing patricide, Alice, Amara and Cyrus manage to escape (because Jafar don't need no guards!) and fly (via carpet) to the White Rabbit's house to try and heal Cyrus before he does actually die. Hi Bunny!! Hi Mrs Bunny!! I really love Bunny with his hat and his lady bun with her head wrap. Amara heals Cyrus using her new powers and then takes the time to get to know Alice a little bit, after all--they are soon to be family. It's time to take down Jafar, once and for all. They must end it at the place where it really all began, the Well of Wonders. If Amara surrenders herself to Nyx, returns the waters, the curse is broken on her sons and Will, and without the genies, the spell cast by Jafar and Amara is undone, and balance is restored. The plan is two fold: Alice and the Bunny will gather soldiers to attack Jafar's palace at dawn, while Cyrus and Amara take the magical red door to the Well of Wonders in Wonderland and return what was taken. Raise your hand if you think this will all go according to plan!

Meanwhile, Jafar is having a bit too much fun with his new found powers. He wants to break all the laws, one at a time. I suppose he's trying to sample the buffet before deciding what his main course should be. He forced his father to love him so how about some resurrection? In a special torture to Will, whom Jafar makes watch, Jafar brings back Ana and then, because he is truly sadistic, forces Ana to love him. Part of me wonders if Jafar fancied Ana all along or if he is really a sociopath. What does Jafar want right now?--to kill Amara. Once Amara is dead, he'll be the only person with power, which I suspect is what Jafar wanted from the start. It's not a noble ambition, but I still think it's understandable, though his actions are reprehensiable. As a young boy, Jafar was robbed of his own power, specifically the power of his own life. He was kicked around, abused, unloved, and eventually killed but his anger saved him in that case. He quite literally lives off that anger. His whole life hasn't been about seeking love, but rather seeking the power that he thought was taken from him. He's an abuse victim trying to find a measure of control. Am I sympathetic enough to wash away his sins? No of course not. He messed with fate and magic; that comes with a price. But I cannot fault his anger; I think I'd be angry too if my father tried to drown me.

 Since Amara, Cyrus and Alice are on the run, Jafar decides to resurrect dead soldiers (inset rolling of eyes) and tells them to bring Wonderland to its knees!! Alice and her friends have to split up--Cyrus and Amara go to the Well, while Alice and Bunny go to Jafar's with a ragtag group of soldiers. This part dragged a bit as it was fairly obvious what was going to happen. Alice, after giving a rousing speech to her troops, is captured (irony) by the undead zombies. When cornered, Amara uses magic to make the zombies re-kill themselves--which was rather disturbing to see. This is still an 8pm show run by Mickey Mouse, right? Cyrus realizes they only have a small amount of time now, with Alice captured, and momma and son make extra haste to the Well.

There is still one more law of magic that Jafar hasn't had a chance to sample--changing the past. Jafar's demands are simply, tell me where Amara is. If you don't, I'll change your past. But what part of Alice's past? Easy. The one that would cause the most pain. Jafar will make it so that Alice never came to Wonderland in the first place, never met Cyrus, never fell in love with a genie. Instead her life will be one of isolation and neglect, back in not-so-jolly England. Will, watching this whole exchange, tells Alice to do it: don't give up your memories of what makes you who you are to save Amara and Wonderland. But Alice, who has always been bold and daring and a true believer in love, tells Jafar to do his worse. She has no doubt that Jafar can change her past but she knows something he does not: true love cannot be destroyed. Take her memories if you must, but love is more powerful than any magic, and in the end, it will win the day. The memory taking is delayed as Jafar finds out (from convenient undead guards) that Amara and Cyrus are at the Well of Wonders and he decides to delay Alice's pain in order to take care of this business.

 My bunny is a hero. I want that noted for the record. My bunny is an absolute hero. With no armor, tiny as he is, he breaks into Jafar's palace in order to free his friends to save Wonderland. Ana catches him and tries to prevent the escape but Will pleads with her and gives maybe my favorite speech of the episode. Ana thinks herself in love with Jafar, but Will must convince her it's only an illusion. "Love isn’t simple. It’s messy. It’s arguing and making up. It’s laughing and crying and struggling and sometimes, it doesn’t seem worth it. But it is. Because when you’re in love, in the end, you forgive each other.” Will and Ana have been through hell and back; betrayal, heartbreak, loss and reconciliation. Will forgives Ana for what she did to him and now all that's left is to break her curse. Ah, true love's kiss. Rainbow lights and epic music. Ana's curse is broken by true love's kiss--though if I can be nitpicky, is this really a curse? It's an illusion to be sure, but not a curse. It's an illusion Jafar placed in her head with magic. I'm willing to overlook the small detail because it was a great scene but it does seem like the writers are playing fast and loose with the rules--but what else is new.

Everything converges at the Well of Wonders. Amara is trying to give up her life in order to fix the balance in the universe but Jafar kills her first. But this is where it took me watching the episode twice to really get what happened:
When Amara collapses, she reaches out her hand and touches the well, thus surrendering herself to Nyx. This is why she “dissolves” into a puddle. Therefore she has done what she said she would do–she returned the water. The debt is repaid.
Cyrus and Alice fool Jafar by making him think that the water must still be returned. Hence Cyrus picking up that little handful and then dashing to the well. Jafar grabs a small bit of that water (that has already been returned) and takes it for himself. He has now stolen water from Nyx and is in debt. Do you see where is this going?

 I think I always knew how this would end--the writers wouldn't betray the Disney version of Aladdin with Jafar. In that animated classic, Jafar is tricked into becoming a genie and it's no different here. I wanted a quirky line about itty bitty living space, but alas, that was not meant to be. With Amara's waters returned, the curse on Cyrus's brothers is lifted, meaning no more genies, meaning Jafar is no longer the most powerful sorcerer in the lands. He is trapped in his bottle and POOFed somewhere *cough* Storybrooke *cough* All the spells Jafar did as the all powerful sorcerer are now undone, meaning that Ana is once again.

I am going to try very hard not to turn this into a rant. I don't want it to come off as wishing Ana stayed dead--I really like Ana at the end of it all. But what the actual heck? "Dead is dead" is officially the biggest joke in the entire Onceiverse. Every time someone dies, there is some idiotic magical handwaving to bring them back: Henry (TLK from Emma); Blue Fairy (throw a coconut into a fire); Rumple (dark magic at the vault of eternal goo); Ana, the first time (break the laws of magic); Ana, the second time (freely given water from the Well of Wonders as thanks for returning Amara's waters and because it wasn't Ana's time to go). Maybe I'm super sensitive right now because I'm still really angry that ONCE proper killed off Neal with no hope of ever coming back, but this constant breaking of their cardinal rule has got to stop. It's becoming a joke. So EVERYONE gets to come back from death with the aid of a magical device *except* Neal. Okay then. So yeah, Ana comes back because Nyx let Cyrus and Alice have some of her waters. Let's move on before I get really upset.

We flashforward to some indeterminate future where Alice and Cyrus are preparing to get married. If I had to bet, I'd say that this wedding will somehow align with the end of season 3 of ONCE so that if they want to do a cross over now, they can without fear of timeline contamination. The wedding is lovely and sentimental and I loved the Rabbit's little speech about, "At this point, I’m supposed to say something about for better or worse, richer or poorer. But I don’t have to. You’ve already had all that. Not even death could keep you apart.” It's exactly how we thought it would wrap up--Will and Ana are together (and apparently the White Queen and King?) and Alice and Cyrus have their lovely little life together. Happily ever after, indeed.

Miscellaneous Notes on And They Lived...

--Love the Rabbit complaining about the blood stains.

--I need to erase Jafar and Ana kissing from my brain.

--So is the Jabberwocky pinned to the jail wall for the rest of time? Did Alice free her? After all, Jabber was somewhat helpful.

--Overall rating of series: B
The second half was miles ahead of the first but some episodes from the first half of the season are lackluster to the point where I don't really want to rewatch them ever. The CGI did get better toward the end, and I enjoyed that it was one complete story. Random note, but I want Alice's entire wardrobe. If you missed this show while it was airing, wait for it to be on Netflix, then marathon it. I think, overall, it was worth it and I'm glad I watched it from start to finish. Overall episode ranking:
Dirty Little Secrets
Bad Blood
Heart of the Matter
The Serpent
To Catch a Thief
Home
And they Lived
Nothing to Fear
Who’s Alice?
Down The Rabbit Hole
Forget Me Knot
Trust Me
Heart of Stone