In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (5x1)

In my last OUAT review, for the season four finale, there was a question of how I approach the show. The first half of the finale episode was so utterly magical and spectacular that for a brief wonderful moment, it felt like the show I had loved for so long. Of course, it all went to hell in a hand basket for the second half, but the point remains that when last we visited this show, I was torn about how I felt. I had all summer to think and...I came to zero conclusions. Absolutely none. OUAT is now an episode by episode experience for me. Some episodes will be less frustrating than others, though I'll always find flaws (it's what I do). That's going to be my approach. I still anger-watch OUAT but occasionally there might be a spark of brilliance. In the fifth season premiere, with the too-on-the-nose title, "The Dark Swan," the fight for Emma's soul begins. Straight off the bat, this season could be really great. No, I mean that seriously. It could be. This is hugely mythic and cosmic, two things that I adore in TV narrative. The show is taking the heroes journey and playing it out with Emma's "descent" into darkness and the question of whether or not Luke Skywalker the Savior can resist the Dark Side. If OUAT can get past the trappings of needing to insert shipping drama and create big Tweetable moments that are simultaneously buzzworthy and somehow squicky (Robin and Zelena, for example) and focus, instead, on crafting a heartfelt narrative about the perils of being a savior, then this season could really be something. Or...you know, not, because OUAT refuses to give up the ghost of loud tweetable moments. So, with all that in mind, grab another Disney/Pixar Princess (hello Merida) and let's go! 

Temptation, Thy Name Is Bobby Carlyle 

Normally, for OUAT, I break my reviews down into two parts: the past and the present. But this episode took a hard left and decided to eschew the normal narrative set up (for the most part) so I'm going to follow suit and only discuss what is going on in the present day. If there is one narrative point from start to finish, it's the idea of temptation. Darkness and evil are not slimy, disgusting things that lurk and hide in the shadows. It's one of my pet peeves when pieces of media present evil or the incarnations of evil as being somehow disfigured and deformed, revolting to behold. Evil is supposed to tempt you. It wants you to give in and in order to do that, it has to present itself as a very enticing offer. That apple in the Garden was probably the most delicious looking piece of fruit in the history of fruit. Temptation is seduction; it's about reaching out to some baser level and flashing you with all the shiny and pretty. Temptation is lust and wealth and power and and greed and it is supposed to feel good. It is at this crossroads of desire and abject horror that Emma Swan finds herself after the "vortex of evil" sucked her back into the Enchanted Forest and into the Pit of Eternal Goo, last seen in the episode where Neal sacrificed himself to resurrect Rumple. So, you know, happy memories for me! Right off the bat, Emma--our Jesus figure--is met by her own Devil--the Darkness who chooses to take on Rumple's appearance--out in the wilderness and is told and shown just how wonderful succumbing to the Darkness could be. The idea of tempting the hero is an old one, and one that almost every hero is going to encounter as they walk down Monomyth Road. Jesus was tempted in the wilderness; Harry is tempted by Voldemort and the Sorcerer's Stone and later the Deathly Hallows; Luke is tempted by the Dark Side; Buffy becomes a Dark! Slayer in season 6. All of this is on point and in line with what we expect with the heroes journey. It's Hero Writing 101 and it's older than you or I which is why I enjoy it. If you read my reviews, then you know I'm a sucker for a good archetype or a good old fashioned cosmic story. That's what this season is or at least needs to be. It's OUAT finally getting back to their roots and instead of introducing another new villain who has yet another connection to the CharMillStiltskin clan who has some horrendously cliche sob story, we have our capital "S"avior being tempted by a Cosmic Evil. It feels far more in line and organic to the show than anything they've done in the past two years. Wow, look at this. I'm complementing OUAT again, guys. It's a brave new world.

It's not just Emma Swan who is facing temptation, though. Back in Storybrooke, our delightful cast of characters are tempted in every direction for how to solve the Missing Swan problem. And by cast of characters, I really mean Hook and Regina because to hell with those other people, amiright? Oh, dear. I've gone back to criticism. Bound to happen, y'all. Actually, let's focus on this for a second. This is a major problem for me. Now, given that TV is a business and that TV writers often play to their strongest fanbases, I do understand that it's natural for Hook and Regina to get a bigger part simply because their characters are among the most popular. I can't tell you the last time I saw fans wanting to discuss Snowing except in how boring, one note, or frustrating they've become. And then last year they went and stole a baby, so they've got that going for them. Since Regina and Hook are incredibly popular with fans, they take center stage in the search for Emma, but this feels disingenuous to Snow and Charming who get little to do except say a few lines here and there and simply wait for Regina and Hook to act. Every action in this episode to aide in the search for Emma is done by either Regina or Hook while Snow and Charming simply stand around. It's...super frustrating because I remember back in season 2 when Snow jumped into a spinning top hat (this show, y'all) in order to find her daughter, Charming trying to follow behind. There is a line Hook utters at the end of the episode about heroes and villains coming together to save and find Emma and while that is a nice enough thought, it's not something we see on screen. It's just the mostly-reformed villains doing all the leg work while the heroes are sidelined. It's an issue OUAT has had for several seasons now because the writers find the villains more enticing, more interesting, and either easier or more fulfilling to write. As such, while I really loved Snow's line "we are going to put our nonsense aside and find my daughter" it also rang hollow because she's literally doing nothing but standing around with a baby, watching her step mother (Regina) who has, shall we say, anger issues, and Hook, someone who once left Snow for dead in a cell, work to find Emma while she does nothing. Charming, as always, is basically wallpaper.

But let's get back to temptation and how it plays into our other characters. For both Regina and Hook, temptation look a lot like a certain nasty green witch. Or, rather, a former green witch. Is there something to be said about the devil you know being better than the devil you don't? Zelena is powerful enough, and evil enough, to create a portal (plot device!) using the Apprentice's wand (plot device!) in order to take everyone to Emma. But Regina is loathe to unleash Zelena's chains and allow her sister to come out and play. For Regina, Emma's dilemma is stressful but not tempting enough to turn to her wicked sister, even though it is reemphasized time and time again that Emma sacrificed herself for Regina (something that continues to baffle fans given that Adam and Eddy insist that Emma did it for the town, not for Regina specifically. But hey, they gotta get in their standard amount of Queer Baiting, right?). Regina shows a level of restraint that is admirable because while it is important for the team to go and save Emma, there are other considerations, like having a hand chopping rapist witch on the loose! Hook, on the other hand--hook?--only cares about saving Emma and will play with anyone who can get him back to his main squeeze. I suppose, if I'm being generous with CaptainSwan (wut?), there is something in here about love knowing no boundaries and knowing no limitation but when was the last time I was generous to CaptainSwan? The fact is that love should have limitations. Love run rampant is neither healthy nor positive. It's dangerous and once again this 'ship is all about the ends justifying the means. I'm annoyed with the very heavy romance in this episode, be it CaptainSwan, OutlawQueen or even the always baited SwanQueen, because I really want Emma to save herself this year instead of it being a man who comes along and True Love Kisses the Darkness out of her, but my hope in that regard is very slim. I know where this is going, at least I think I do--a TLK that breaks the Dark One's curse and ends Darkness once and for all. I'll just wait and see; that's all I can do, right?

Miscellaneous Notes on The Dark Swan

--"....your turn." I laughed so hard and for a very long time. Temptation plays a role with the Camelot crew of some indeterminate point in history as well. Excalibur feels a bit "The One Ring" like in that it calls to people and only the worthy one can bear it. The Camelot cast is only briefly seen so there's not much to say about them right now.

--I love that the Dark One's dagger is the missing piece of Excalibur. I think that's a very interesting narrative point and sets up a thesis for the show as a whole. The sword is supposed to be a weapon of good, only working in the hands of a divinely appointed Messiah King. The fact that the missing bit of it is a weapon of evil and corruption speaks to the fact that there is very little that separates lights and dark and how in order to be complete you need both. I wonder if Merlin forged the blade and it broke into the dagger when he tethered the Darkness to a human.

--Speaking of Merlin, dude is a creeper in a movie theater, no? Also, super obvious that he's Merlin since "The Sword and the Stone" is playing on the big screen. Not subtle, OUAT.

--Hook is a horrible influence on Henry. Did the Pirate stop and think, even for one second, about the fact that Zelena killed Henry's father? 

--For the moment, Merida felt slightly out of place and was inserted rather sloppily. But I doubt we've seen the last of her. The fact that she actually explained why she's running around the woods means there is another story we're getting on top of the Camelot one.

--Zelena cut off her own hand and then reattached it. The woman is obviously insane and should not have possession of a child. But did the show go ahead and admit that Zelena raped Robin? Did I mishear that? Zelena called him an unwilling pawn and Robin emphasizes that he was quite unwilling. So...that's a rape admission right?

--"Do you like knitting?"

--"I like her spunk. Break her neck!"

--The ending. Oh ye gods, the ending. I hated this ending. I am fine with Emma being the Dark One. The season would be pointless if she wasn't, but again with the amnesia, OUAT? Really? Because you haven't done it to death!? It's an old trope and it's one that is past its expiration date. I might have ranked the episode higher if not for this horribly cliche and over wrought ending.

In Which I Review Doctor Who (9x2)

If you are a god and you find yourself at the end of your very long and very tiring life, what do you do? You go home, of course. While this week's episode "The Witch's Familiar" was a bit funnier and less fast paced than last weeks first part, particularly with Clara and Missy, the conversation and interaction between the Doctor and Davros were well worth the somewhat bizarre ending of poo-Daleks (no, really, what was that?). Last week I spoke quite a bit about the cycle of history with villains and heroes and how each character creates the other to the point where the existence of the other is necessary to survive as a cosmic good or cosmic evil. I must have been on the money, because all those themes were emphasized this week yet again. Around and around Davros and the Doctor go; they will always wind up back at square one: enemies, friends, and two lonely gods who want to go home. Grab some old, dying, and decaying Dalek bodies (ew) and let's go! 

The real meat of this episode lies in the conversation and almost interview like tet-a-tet between the Doctor and Davros. The conversation moves seamlessly from one topic to the next, mostly on the differences between the Doctor and Davors's world view and their long history. This shouldn't surprise us; it's the same conversation they've been having for centuries. We know by episode's end that Davros is tricking the Doctor into giving up some of his regeneration energy to fuel a new Dalek race, but I can't help but wonder if some of what Davros says in these tender and oddly heartwarming conversation moments is true. Davros might be a maniac but he's still as world and time weary as the Doctor. Look at how much Davros has gone through in his life; granted, he chose to become the grand evil we know today, but he got there not because he was born a flawed and hateful man, but because of the circumstances of his life. Had he been born on any other planet, with any other story, would he have turned out this way? While Davros is a master manipulator (much like his Hero counterpart in the Doctor) I do think he's having some genuine heartfelt feelings while waxing poetic about "how far we have come to go home again." I think Davros does want to see the sunlight and be a "father" to his children; the issue lies in that not being enough; Contrast with the Doctor who knows going home might actually be enough, but he knows that for his people, it's better if he does not. The Doctor knows these things about Davros; he's willing to play Davros's game because he knows it's not totally a trick. There is a measure of truth there. How do we know? Because the Doctor feels the same. He might still be running from Gallifrey and keeping it safe from both he and Davros, but that does not mean that he doesn't long to go home. Of course he does. How could he not? There's no place like home and it is because the Doctor knows this that he's willing to play Davros's game as far as he does. The Doctor knows he will win--he always assume he'll win--but he'll sit with his old friend and enemy and watch a sunrise because at the end of the day, they get each other. Missy drops a very vital truth bomb on this whole scenario when the Dalek-Clara is trying to convince the Doctor it's really her: "the friend inside the enemy. The enemy inside the friend. Everyone is a bit of both." Missy, have you been reading my blog? But that's the heart of this episode: friend and enemies don't really matter as long as there is mercy. The Doctor can be merciful to Davros because he empathizes with the mad man. The Doctor can be merciful to Missy and let her saunter away because it's the right thing to do and moreover, is the merciful thing to do. As long as there is mercy, I don't know that friends and enemies matter.

Briefly, on the flip side of all this, we have Missy and Clara, the miner and the canary, trying to rescue the Doctor and being forced to work together. While I would have preferred that the plot stay on Davros and the Doctor, I must admit to this having some good laughs. Also, Missy is far and away becoming one of the best parts of the current Who season. I was annoyed with her early on in season 8 when the "heaven" theme was taking forever to go anyplace, but it turns out that she's delightful. Bananas, but delightful. Missy and the Doctor are a lot like Davros and the Doctor. Because these two enemies are created alongside the Doctor, they all get each other. Missy knows just how the Doctor thinks (just like Davros). She can read his actions and his mental status instantly because while they might be enemies, they are also friends. Best friends. Soul mates in a truly weird and bizarre manner. It's not love; it's something deeper. It's knowledge of a person on a level that no one else will ever have. Clara's coming close; she gets the Doctor and how he acts and responds in situations, but with her it's a process. With Davros and Missy, it's a given. Missy might have scampered off into the night, but we'll see her again. The "bitch" will be back, make no mistake. The real question is not even how the Doctor will react. He'll roll his eyes and think "oh here we go again" but those two will tangle with each other until the end of all things. Just like the Doctor and Davros. Friends. Enemies. It doesn't matter. Everyone is a bit of both.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Witch's Familiar

--Sorry this one is rather brief but I covered so much of these themes last week that I feared being redundant.

--"Doesn't matter which face. They are all the Doctor to me."

--Seeing Tom Baker, no matter how briefly, will always get a round of applause from me. 

--"We, on the other hand, have a pointy stick." That is going down as one of the best lines on Doctor Who ever. Don't attempt to change my mind.

--"Are you ready to be a god?" Just like Tom Baker back in "Genesis" the answer is no.

--"I'm just a bloke, in a box, telling stories."

--Um. Davros is blind. That's just...how it goes. I did not need his eyes to open one more time. Also, please tell me that the Sonic Screwdriver isn't gone for good. I'm not going to enjoy that.

--Will the prophecy about a hybrid Time Lord and Dalek come back into play this season? I rather hope not. Let's stick to the search for Gallifrey, please. And speaking of that, why do I get the impression the Doctor isn't going to go look for it at all?? This displeases me.

--Dalek poo.

In Which I Review Doctor Who (9x1)

And 'lo, another summer slowly crawled to a close and with the ending of one season came the beginnings of the man who fights the monsters; screwdriver in hand he lands, carefree, in your front room every week for one hour with the promise of transcendence. And an awful lot of running. Yes, Doctor Who is finally back after nine long, TARDIS-less months off the air. Can you tell I'm excited? How could I not be? Doctor Who, with its pulpy, fantastical, science fiction, and fairy tale like mentality is a welcome relief to blogging less than stellar quality TV. In our the first episode of the new season, "The Magician's Apprentice," showrunner Moffat pulls out millions of stops and surprises and has you looking left, right, up, and down all at once. The crazy, fast paced, blockbuster type approach is Moffat's forte (at least as of late) and when he's concentrating on simply giving you loud and whiz-bang with little time to breathe in between, he does know how to shine. Perhaps most importantly, the premiere felt like a season premiere of Doctor Who; while I might often quibble over the explosions-galore type of approach to modern day science fiction TV and movies (because where there are explosions, there is usually very little heart), for the first episode in nine months, it was well executed; the kind of blood thrumming, heart racing episode I've been anticipating for weeks. The Doctor is a rockstar; old enemies come back to play, and no time is wasted while the audience is zipping here and zooming there (as one is wont to do in a time and space machine). Grab a guitar and let's go!

"Davros made the Daleks. But who made Davros?" Or so the Doctor asks Clara and (a not so dead) Missy on the final night of his life as he takes a space ship to see one of his oldest and deadliest enemies. It's a good question because anyone familiar with the history of the Doctor and the madman inventor we know as Davros is well versed that the two beings have a long and sordid story about what is right, what is wrong, and whether or not powerful men can or should play God. The question, though, is better if we rephrase and ask in broad generalities and not specifics: can you be an hero without an enemy to fight? No one is going to deny the Doctor's heroic tendencies; he's trapped in that classical hero archetype; a bit of a solider, a bit of a trickster, a bit of a sage, but all hero. He's the man who fights the monsters and defends planets and people. The Doctor faces death every moment of his very long life and conquers it when everyone else would fall before it. The Doctor's a hero but also an "H"ero, capital, cosmic, universal H, if you please. It means that he's more than just an ordinary hero; he's mythic. And, as such, The Doctor needs an equally mythic villain to fight, for how can we really know what a hero is if we don't have his contrast with whom we can compare. Harry Potter needs Voldemort. Luke Skywalker needs Darth Vader/the Emperor. God needs his Lucifer. The delicate dance between hero and their villain rival is often one of necessity, thus complicating the relationship to a cyclical one. Back and forth; fight and flight; around and around and back home again. That is why, in this season premiere, it is so interesting that we have both of the Doctor's greatest arch-enemies come back to play, both of whom spend quite a bit of time remembering their long history with the Doctor, and the cosmic chess game the universal figures have been playing. First, we have Davros, younger and still standing on two legs. A young boy in the middle of a very bad war (Kaled and Thal for those of you who aren't familiar with the classical era) who is scared and alone and in very real danger. In other words, just the sort of situation that would have the Doctor putting on his white hat and saving the day with some cunning and a grin. Except, that in this case, the Doctor's compassion is, like a dying Davros will tell him at the end, an indulgence. What would have happened had the Doctor never shown up on Skaro to assist a little boy out of the Hand Mine field? If his compassion hadn't gotten the better of him? Would Davros be so traumatized by this stranger's help and then refusal to help (going so far as to flee) that he would still create the Daleks? Is the Doctor, then, responsible for not only his arch enemy but his most dangerous adversaries, the Daleks? I don't know that we have an answer, in all honesty. History and time are tricky as are people and morality. Surely young Davros would have been broken enough, just from the war alone, to want to save his people by (to quote the Doctor) putting them in tanks. But then again, maybe it was that "compassion" that really pushed him over the edge. At any rate, the Doctor made his own arch-enemy but just like Davros might not be Davros without the Doctor, would the Doctor still be the Doctor without Davros? Can you be a proper hero without a proper enemy? And if the answer is no, as I've been suggesting, then is your enemy really your friend?

Missy certainly seems to think so, eh? Also, hello Missy. I'm not sure how you're back (but then again, I was never sure how you came back last season, so we'll quibble over that later). Missy spends much of this episode being exasperated that Clara would question the friendship between herself and the Doctor because all they do is try to attack, harm, and generally kill each other. To Missy, that's what friendship is. For Clara, friendship is simple. It can be put into a box of correct and right actions and anything that does not fit into that box is equated to being, simply, not a friend. Missy constantly trying to kill the Doctor? Not friendship. But for Missy, and it turns out to the Doctor as well, friendship is infinitely more complex than a set of correct and right actions. This goes back to what I was stressing above; the relationship between hero and enemy is born out of necessity; you cannot have one without the other in this cosmic chess game. There might be hatred and ill will toward the other party, but there is an understanding that you need each other. The hero creates the villain just as the villain creates the hero. It's not love, really, but something higher, something that Clara (and perhaps, really, humanity) cannot grasp because we see heroes and villains, light and dark, right and wrong as two separate, binary entities. But those concepts, especially in modern media and fiction, are far more complicated and it's our inability to see those complexities that lead to hostility, racism, sexism, and prejudices. Missy is "evil" because she opposes the Doctor, right? Then why is she trying to save The Doctor, especially under the headline that she's his best friend? Because they need each other; but that doesn't mean she's crossed into the light--she'll still kill the guards standing 'round. We are complex creatures and the threads between us and the rest of our kind are infinitely more complex than we could ever hope to conceive.

So what are we doing this season? It's hard to accurately pinpoint where we're going this season but I'd say that the idea of heroes and villains and the complexities behind them is Moffat's working thesis. First, I doubt Missy just died again on Skaro. That would be fast and ridiculous, even for Moffat who is known to do flash-in-a-pan and never properly explain things. Given that the Doctor recognizes that Missy is his best friend and one of his own people, I'd lay some odds that we're going to see the "totally bananas" Missy travel with Clara and the Doctor through all of time and space. Is Davros going to die next week? Again, I doubt it. Something tells me he'll be sticking around, plaguing the Doctor, just like old times. Enemies and friends; they need each other. Secondly, given that Skaro (and the Daleks) came back, and that the Doctor still has not found Gallifrey yet, I can't help but wonder if this is the season when we finally go out in search of the Doctor's home world and the rest of the Time Lords. After all, with every classic villain returning, a veritable who's who of the Doctor Who universe, why not bring back the Time Lords in their funny hats? I do so enjoy the funny hats. The search for Gallifrey is best conducted as if it's a race between the Doctor (and Missy) and Davros (and his Daleks). Which leaves Clara out in the cold, the human who knows too much but is forever on the outside, looking in. Jenna Coleman is leaving the TARDIS before the end of the season and I'm going to bet that Clara will be minimized in the search for the Time Lord home planet, if that is what season nine is. I must say, Clara was far less annoying this episode than she has been in the past. She's not broken or sad or lying. She's smart; she's keen; she can tangle with Missy and hold her own. It's a nice change from weepy, wide-eyed Clara and, more importantly, from Clara who was placed at the center of everything last season, in her attempt to become the Doctor. All in all, this was a strong start to the season and I can only hope that Moffat continues to deliver these fun, intriguing, and somehow heavy and light episodes for the next 11.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Magician's Apprentice

--If the Doctor is the Magician, then is Davros his apprentice?

--"Survival is just a choice."


--There were a ton of callbacks to the classical era (hi, Tom Baker and Genesis of the Daleks!) and the pre-Moffat regenerated era, including the Ood, the Jadoon, and the Shadow Proclamation (they've redecorated. I don't like it...)

--Clara should give up teaching and go work for UNIT. It gives her the rush she craves without having to leave her home or time period.

--"Not dead. Back. Big surprise. Never mind."

--The Doctor. In Essex. In 1138. On a tank. With a guitar. I have missed you, Doctor Who.

--"I am a dragon slaying...." "DUUUUUUUUUDE"

--Speaking of classic heroes, I got a strong whiff of Norse mythology when the Snake Alien was tying up the Doctor with one of his slithering friends. Very Thor and Jormungandr, the latter of whom often represents the idea of cyclical history and birth/death/rebirth, an ouroboros, a theme we're seeing play out.

--"I was right to create the Daleks." "You were very wrong." "This is the fight we've had since we met..." 

In Which I Review Under the Dome (3x13)

Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by CBS's Under the Dome. Hey, it's tradition! Every season finale (and in this case series) I have begun by asking that question and over the course of three summers, my answer has not changed. Yes; yes I do feel personally victimized by Under the Dome.  But here we are, at the end, and while I could rant and rave against this series finale, "The Enemy Within," and discuss how this TV show was a failure, let's just be glad that the Dome is down and we get to move on (drink!) from Chester's Mill. The narrative was derivative and silly and full of nonsense, but let's have fun for this last ever blog of Dome. We can have some laughs and rejoice that Barbie, Julia, Little Crazypants, Jorrie, and Big Jim are out of our lives for good. Once more, for the Dominess of it all! 

The most Gibberish thing to ever be Gibberished in the history of this show, that speaks only in Gibberish, went thus: Norrie is the eighth note in the Amethyst Song because she's one of the four hands and was the first to see the Pink Stars. However, Joe will do in a pinch because he also saw the pink stars, so his special note when whistled, while standing in the midst of the seven amethysts, brought down the Dome. Oh my God; I wish I was making this up. But yes, at long last, after four weeks inside the upside down goldfish bowl, the Dome hath fallen. The first half hour of the show was a lot of death and mayhem, all of which was entertaining because it was so overacted and silly that you couldn't help but laugh. Joe entering an amethyst circle and telling Norrie that he loved her, only to turn into a shimmery light beam and bring down the Dome? Hilarious. Little Crazypants stabbing Sam through the side because Junior needs to get his rocks off with Dawn as her mate/Alpha and because he has some serious misogynistic control issues? Comedic gold. Big Jim stabbing Little Crazypants in the heart because Junior wouldn't give up the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill? Rib tickling good. Barbie riffing on 'Game of Thrones' by telling Dawn (Baby! Queen) that she was no daughter of his and then causing Dawn to fall to her death? Magnificent. It's what I've been saying all along--the characters living inside the Dome are all terrible, horrible human beings. The Dome didn't make them this way; they aren't victims of circumstance. They are simply bad people and the Dome only made them worse.

There is something to be said about feeling sorry for a show that got cancelled unexpectedly. Under the Dome clearly thought they were getting another season with the way things ended. How do I know? Because everything I just wrote above was negated in the last five minutes of the show. Joe? Not dead, but being held captive in a military compound. Dawn? A kindergarten teacher searching, and finding, another egg in order to create another Dome to build a new Borg Collective and start the whole Gibberish-filled fun over. That was the ending of this show.  But I don't pity Under the Dome. The writers had to know that their renewal was highly debatable and should have planned accordingly. Instead, they ended with a series of cliffhangers that we'll never get the answers to. Ever. And you know what? I don't care. I am perfectly content to never know about the Big Scary Aliens coming or why Julia was the Monarch or why Angie, Joe, Junior and Norrie were the Four Hands or why the Pixel Bugs came to our world or why the Red Door in Zenith can lead to Chester's Mill. I am fine with Barbie and Julia never getting married because their romance is one built on death and lies and circumstance. The fact that Barbie's proposal began with "what do you even know about me?" should scream that he is self-aware of their problems, but no. It's just a build up to a cliche--and interrupted--marriage proposal. Big Jim became a Congressman after bribing the military and having his records sponged clean. Hunter and Uhura are together but their romance is almost as forced and awkward as the Barlie ship. Bad people do not change and unlike other TV shows, these terrible people don't even try to exist in their own paradigms; they just get worse. And so, that's it. That's all I got for this incredibly silly series finale and show as a whole. It has been...well, I wouldn't say fun, but it has been something. Here's to you, Under the Dome. And now, I'm moving on.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Enemy Within

--Sam, the Random Guy Who Threw Eggs At Big Jim's Car, and Little Crazypants are the only ones who really died. So, RIP them I guess.

--Everyone is slowly suffocating to death inside the Dome, so naturally Barbie and Julia open the show spending an extraordinary amount of energy and air burying DNA Expert Lady. Because of course. 

--Did Dawn name herself Dawn or was that name passed to her along with the ratty blonde wig and Barbie's eyes? She also inherited Barbie's darkness? Whatever that means.

--Indy is the key to Big Jim's heart. Funny. I didn't think Big Jim had a heart.

--One year later and Julia's hair is still perfect. However, Norrie has the worst wig I've ever seen, including Dawn's blonde bob.

--"Kid, you are unfit and unstable." I feel you, Sam. I've been saying the same thing about Little Crazypants for three summers.

--Does the new egg come complete with a new Gollum?

In Which I Review Under the Dome (3x12)

For those who haven't heard (maybe you've been living under a dome this past week?) CBS officially cancelled 'Under the Dome.' So whatever plans the show runners and writers were laying in terms of Queen Bee, Baby! Queen, and the big looming threat will all come to naught as we slog our way through the final two episodes ever. I can't say that I'm terribly upset that CBS has called it quits and is going to dismantle Chester's Mill. The show took a sharp turn for the worse right around episode 2 of season one and never fully (or really ever) recovered, becoming sillier and more stupid with every passing moment. While I have enjoyed (no, really!) snarking at this show for three summers now (wow, that long?) pointing out the illogical drivel and gibberish and coming up with nicknames for everyone, it's time to move on (drink!) and find a way to go on without the Dome. This week's episode "Incandescence" was more or less par for the course here in the final run of Under the Dome: lots of meaningless talking meant to fill up time; lots of stupid drivel about umbilical cords and DNA; and a seriously stupid ending that caused my ribs to burst from laughing so hard. Folks, we've got one more to watch so grab a ratty blond wig and let's go. 

Do not adjust the color on your computer screens; yes, you are in fact looking at a purple and glowing Queen Bee. She must be a flying purple people eater as well. The penultimate episode was really designed to leave the fates of all our major characters in the balance as we prepare for the Dome to fall (literally in universe and out of universe) and so this episode was about setting up where we go from here. Joe has the proper equipment to take down the Dome (finally); Benton is dead because his Messiah Complex could not compete with Big Jim's ego trip; Uhura is still pointless and but being pointless with Hunter so that's a bonus; Jorrie are still gooey eyed teens; Barlie are still having the same damn argument they've been having about Barbie's mortality and Julia unwillingness to see sense; and Little Crazypants became even more crazy (if that's possible) by suggesting and carrying through with mass murder of the old people in the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill. As we enter the final hour of Under the Dome the question is not "is the Dome going to come down?" but rather after one month trapped inside a giant Goldfish Bowl, did the residents of Chester's Mill learn anything about themselves, each other, and the world at large in a meaningful way that will shape their destinies to come? My answer, for the most part, is no. They may have learned about themselves more, to an extent, but it was not for their own personal betterment. Barbie has a hero complex but it's still rooted in a thuggish nature that would delight in giving Queen Bee a slow and painful death and beating Junior to a pulp. Julia is still an overly hopeful and optimistic do-gooder who can't see past the end of her own nose and recognize that she has some truly bad taste in men. Big Jim is still a terrible, terrible, terrible man. While there may have been one moment of clarity for Jim (last weeks mostly overwrought conversation with Junior) he is still a self-serving, egotistical, politician who wants his crimes erased, who will commit murder, and who wants to rule his little corner (whatever corner it is) of the world with an iron fist and broken promises.

After three years on the air, countless crisis-of-the-week and the ever looming threat of a giant invisible Dome, there has been almost zero character development for anyone. It could almost be read as deliberate on the part of the writers, though that's giving them too much credit. I could take it as a metaphor that the people inside the Dome are unable to develop emotionally because they are literally trapped in one place except that is totally antithetical to the major theme of the show: what kind of naval gazing and other community based self reflection can be had when you're living in a (literal) goldfish bowl. So, no, Under the Dome. You don't get a pass on this one. Your total lack of character development comes down to one thing: Bad Writing. It's why, in order to push the characters in any direction, you have to bring in random people from the outside instead of letting it be introspective and coming from a place of self actualization. Case in point? Max No-Last-Name, Science Teacher Pine, Singer Lyle, Papa Q, and Benton. All of those random, nickname-tastic characters were designed to push our core cast to new plot points and new plot point only, but along the way development on an emotional, philosophical, or mental level came to a standstill while the major characters danced like puppets on strings whenever new people showed up. Big Jim treated Benton the same as he did Max-No-Last-Name. At no point did he stop to think that maybe murder is wrong because he has learned something from past experiences. This remains Under the Dome's biggest and most egregious problem; the writing is so concerned with its 1980s style science fiction, which was always pure gibberish and stank of mumbo jumbo hand-waving, that it never took the time to inspect its characters. For Julia to go from realizing, while drunk, that she has bad taste in men with Peter and Barbie to fighting for and kissing Barbie back to health, shows that her character didn't grow or develop but rather keeps forgetting any hint of growth and development from one episode to the next! These characters are truly terrible people and not in a tragic-feel-bad-for-them sort of way, but in a way that you don't care if they live or die. That Dome could calcify (gibberish!) in the next 24 hours and kill Barbie, Julia, Junior, Joe, Jim, and Norrie and I wouldn't care. I'd laugh and think that they got what was coming to them.

Alright, that was more or less my down and dirty rant against Under the Dome. I don't know how next week is going to go. It's possible that next week, the final episode ever, is going to be one large snark fest so let me say one final thing. I started off watching (and blogging) Under the Dome because I thought it looked and sounded interesting. I've kept up with it because it continues to be ludercrious enough to laugh at but let's call a spade a spade: this is bad TV. This isn't even TV that was good at one point and then went downhill rapid fire fast like others tend to do (no name drops here but *cough* we know what I'm talking about). This was TV that was bad from start to finish and might be a lesson in why summer shows tend not to work. If you are going to make a blockbuster style summer TV show, then make it short, snappy, concise, and to the point. The worst thing that could have happened to Under the Dome was getting a second season when the first season was successful. I know, I know. Money drives the TV-As- Business aspect, but because it got renewed, the story that was only ever a novella by Stephen King, became a three season long slog that never actually got anywhere. Will we get questions answered? Who know but more to the point...who cares? I don't anymore. By stretching the story to comical proportions, Under the Dome shot itself in the foot a long time ago. It could have been a decent summer show with a clear beginning, middle and end with some fairly decent character development because living inside confinement does things to people. Instead it became...well, it became this show that I've been blogging for three summers. This isn't a race to the finish line. This is a crawl that stops, starts, stops, starts, and then finally just stops and sits by the side of the road waiting for the finish line to come to it.

So. One more to to go. Then we move on.

Miscellaneous Notes on Incandescence

--Why on earth was this episode call 'Incandescence?'

--The new Queen is Eva in a really fake looking blonde wig, wearing tight pants, boots, and a belly shirt. Ladies and gentlemen, Under the Dome. (no really, look at that picture and try not to laugh your butt off).

--'Time is the one thing we don't have." Truer words have never been spoken, Big Jim.

--How did Benton and Uhura bring a drone inside the Dome? Did I miss that?

--Norrie runs inside the paper mill, out of breath, in a panic and explains that the Dome is calcifying and that the worst thing they could do is use up the oxygen inside faster by running around and panicking. Everyone proceeds to spend the rest of the episode running around panicking.  

--"Everyone under this Dome is innocent." Um. NO. Please go watch season 1 and 2 (or read my above three paragraphs) for why this statement is flat out false.

--RIP Benton. RIP DNA Expert Lady. RIP Queen Bee. RIP LOTS AND LOTS OF OLD PEOPLE. Man, how many geezers did Sam and Little Crazypants kill at the Lake? 

In Which I Review Under the Dome (3x11)

Using Pat Benatar to further your own silly drivel is not okay with me, Under the Dome. Love is a Battlefield is a classic and iconic song that we've all rocked out to before, so how about you back off the 1980 anthem and focus on your nonsensical plot and random expositional wanderings. In this week's episode, horrifyingly entitled "Love is a Battlefield," we get something that might resemble answers. Or, at least, we got some exposition that is clearly going to set up season 4 and clarification--ha--that the Bugs are not the true enemy. You see the Bugs are just killing time before the writers could figure out how to extend the show past three seasons so pretty much everything that mattered or was said and done in the first three seasons means nothing because "they" are coming. I love when characters play the pronoun game and don't use specific words to elucidate what they mean, causing us to constantly yell "Who is coming? What are you talking about!?" over and over. Or maybe that's just me. Grab one-seventh of a broken amethyst and let's go! Remember, kids....we only have two to go. 

There are really only two things to talk about this week: the appearance of Baby! Queen going alongside the new looming threat and some sappy emotional crap that really doesn't mean much because it comes from either random nobodies that we don't care about or it comes from some truly horrible people that, again, I don't care about. I'm going to be somewhat fair to Under the Dome for a change. For reasons other than another season, having a new bigger and badder alien monster coming to destroy everyone makes sense. There has to be a reason why the Bugs decided to flee their home world, with so few of their species in tow, and are obsessed with the idea of survival and with reproduction. That particular thread has existed--shockingly enough--since the start of this season and thus makes narrative sense is if there is something much worse on the horizon. Where the failure comes in is in the execution of the bigger and badder alien menace. There has been little to no foreshadowing or real hints of what we have now been told is coming. Queen Bee has a been a figure on this show from the start of the third season with ample time to give a variety of expositions on the Dome, the magical cocoons, the oxytocin, not to mention her icky sexcapades with Little Crazypants. But instead of having her speak about this looming threat that is the real danger to planet Earth, she's been doing everything but showing any real measure of fear about this threat. It looks forced and pulled out of thin air now with her sudden plot bomb to Joe as she's forcing him to stare at a calcified Dome and order him to split the amethysts seven ways (apparently that's the key to bringing down the Dome? That's the utter gibberish for the week). Honestly, I don't care what the new threat is and why should I? Yes, Queen Bee has been a bit of a menace in a cold, calculating, smother you with a pillow sort of way, but given that the show has done nothing to flesh her or her kind out in any meaningful and non-threatening way, I find that I can't be even the tiniest bit intrigued about the new big bad and the circumstances for why the Bugs fled their own world. They are just a place filler until next season and, ultimately, Queen Bee will die before the season is out and the Bugs will be forgotten as the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill return to "normal." If they wanted me to care about the mass extinction of this race--these bugs--then the writers needed to build some sympathy from the start, to make them more nuanced than just Queen Bee running around having sex with teenagers, killing random people, and sounding off weird gibberish about purple goop. Because the writers made the Bugs so uninteresting and unimportant, I neither fear nor care about this new alien that is apparently out there in space. C'est la vie, eh?

The other thread this week actually carried across multiple parties and characters, not something Under the Dome is known for. Namely, we had some parent-to-child conversation or introspective naval gazing. Up first we have Big Jim and Little Crazypants. Did Jim mean anything he said? Possibly, but I don't know how he got from a few episodes ago thinking it's okay to kill Junior to suddenly loving him and wanting to mend their very torn relationship. There has been no emotional upheaval, no change of heart, no moment of understanding for Jim. In this week alone, Big Jim is still all gung-ho about killing the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill. If I'm expected to believe that he's looking at his son lying on a cot and suddenly feels really bad about the way he's treated Junior, then the show failed (shock) because his emotional state has remained unaltered whenever he's come up against Junior before. Again, this whole "we could be the Rennie boys!" malarkey comes out of left field and feels like a time killer and only inserted to add to the "shock" of Jim agreeing with Benton in the end. The only resolution to the Rennie boys is obvious: Junior is playing Big Jim and in the end Big Jim says "ok" to Benton killing everyone inside the Dome to prevent the Bugs from escaping. Any emotional development on Big Jim's part just died before it even really began. In other parent/child news, Eva had a crappy childhood and I don't care. I really don't. Why should I? I don't know Eva; we haven't been given any kind of indication about who she was before the Dome (except that she was an anthropologist doing things no anthropologist would ever do...). Her sad (very remedial and cliche) backstory falls emotionally flat and on deaf ears as does her death at the hands of Queen Bee. Harsh, Queenie, harsh. And then there's little Baby! Queen who sucked the Kinship out of her mother's breast (yes, I really just wrote that) before her mother reverted back to normal only to be smothered by a pillow and a poorly sung lullaby. So much for the power of the Kinship, eh? What does Queen Bee really want? Is she truly ready to give up her time on the proverbial throne? Has she accepted, truly, the passing of the torch and is she ready to die because her cycle has come to an end? I don't know and again it's because the writers have failed at making Queen Bee a character that we can understand. I have no idea who the parasite pixel thing is. I know she's some sort of alien but I'm given no indication what sort of soul she is (to use the term soul rather loosely) and chances are, with the season drawing to a close, I never will. Ah well. C'est la vie, eh?

Miscellaneous Notes on Love is a Battlefield

--Julia found a single strand of Queen Bee's hair in a barn full of hay. Because she's the plucky young reporter, guys!

--I honestly don't care about Uhura learning her father is a pixel bug and that her pseduo-father Benton has been lying to her. Why should I care about these people at all?

--If the super drug with Queen Bee's DNA causes brain damage in Junior, I'd think that was a plus not a con.

--Barbie is going to save the Eva he "used to know." What? You never knew Eva. The Eva you "knew" was in a fake dream world fueled by purple cocoon goop! What an absurd line. 

--"I'm helping to deliver your baby with another woman."

--RIP Random Military Man. RIP Eva.

In Which I Review Under the Dome (3x10)

Eva is the flying purple people eater. Okay, she's not flying yet, but give Under the Dome time and I'm sure Eva will sprout wings and flutter away. Butterfly style. Once again, this week's episode, "Legacy," was a wheel-spinning, long drawn out exercise in which we learned the same information all over again (eggs are dangerous; they infect people and then these people go crazy; the Dome is calcifying) and a lot of Gibberish was both said and done (Barbie and Julia want to be parents and, seriously, Eva glowed purple). At this point, we are just slogging through to the finish line; plots are going left and right but never forward; characters wander around like zombies, even if they aren't part of the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill, being asked to spew quasi-emotional nonsense that falls incredibly flat. There are only so many ways I can say that this show is utterly ridiculous and dreck, but I've probably said it all already. There are no deep themes, simply the repetition of very basic themes over and over without any sort of serious resolution. Grab a glowing pregnant woman, kill a virgin, and let's go. 

It's so hard to review an episode like this because really nothing happened. Plot happened, yes. Gibberish happened, yes. But nothing thematically significant or even interesting happened. Benton magically popped in to Chester's Mill. You remember Benton? No. Why would you? He appeared for five whole seconds in the season premiere and while his real name is Hektor, I'll be calling him Benton for obvious "ER"-nostalgic reasons. If there is a theme to this week's episode--and to be frank, if it's a theme it's not developed and I'm trying to catch the wind with this one--it's about establishing a legacy for yourself and generations to come. Benton has an obsession with the egg and with the power it can generate. Ever since Alaska, Benton has wanted to harness the clean, unlimited energy the egg provides. Why? Well, not out of the goodness of his heart, that's for sure. He's a greedy corporate man who can't see past the several billions of dollars this would generate for him. Shocking, right? Yet another self-centered charcter who knows more about the Dome than anyone and who has a hidden ulterior motive beyond rescuing the inhabitants of Chester's Mill. Benton knows exactly what kind of legacy he is bringing to the Giant Goldfish Bowl--he watched his best friend turn into digital, sparkly bug-thing after Patrick (the friend) came into contact with the egg (it wants me to touch it!). This is a huge problem Under the Dome has (one of the problems for there are many). Every time it introduces a character, the show makes them devilish, diabolical, egotistical, ruthless, or an alien Queen who wants to turn everyone into her own little doll collection. There are close to zero redeemable characters on this show; Norrie is the only one I maybe sort of care about. It's not that I even hate the characters; hatred is still a strong emotion to elicit from a TV viewer and any emotion is good when it comes to a piece of art. I just find everyone--new, old, and in between--to be truly terrible but also ultimately boring. They are all the same, even without being part of the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill. Why should I care if any of them get out from the Goldfish Bowl? I don't. Which is why their weekly crisis of "oh no! We're going to die for some reason or other" means absolutely nothing to me. It's the writers job to make me care. I should want these people to get out, to have a life again. Or I should want them to suffer for their crimes, but I feel neither. I am just bored and don't care if they live, if they die, if they sit around playing Go Fish. It would result in the same feelings from me.

 The other legacy in this show is of the literal kind: a baby. Who apparently needs virginal sacrifices? See! I told you guys those women were there to be sacrificed. What I did not expect (or, god knows, even want) was for Eva to glow purple as she sucked the life force out of those women. Or maybe the Baby Queen did the sucking. Either way, there was a glowing purple light and then many dead virgins and then miraculously a significantly more pregnant Eva. It's utter gibberish but it's also that we've only got 3 episodes to go (huzzah!) and so the writers must get the baby born because as Dead Alien Science Guy tells us, "AFTER THE QUEEN IS BORN THE WAR BEINGS."  Thanks for the newsflash, Sherlock. Cause I hadn't figured out that some sort of war would likely begin after the Evil Alien Baby was born. I've watched movies and TV, dude. I know how this game goes.

Miscellaneous Notes on Legacy

"You back-stabbing ass!" Joe, Sam killed your sister! Less than a week ago! Why would you ever trust him to begin with? Honestly, this is your own fault.

 --Whistling causes the amethyst to glow. Still doesn't explain why the Borg Collective of Chester's Mill has been whistling all this time.

--Hunter and Uhrua got their flirt on.

--There are still 2,000 under the Dome? Are we sure about that? Because I don't think that's right at all. 

--The opening monologue now states that the Dome fell 4 weeks ago. Man, hell of a month, eh?

--Apparently TLK didn't work all the way because Barbie and his infection are in a dormant phase. So TLK is not a catch all, cure all? OMG, quick! Someone tell OUAT before I have to suffer through Season 5!

--RIP White Clothed Virgins; RIP Midwife Lady.