In Which I Review Mad Men (7x9)

Women are whores. And the men of the world can treat them as such: wooing, sexing, paying for, bribing, hustling, and manipulating women as they see fit. Or at least, that's the stance Mad Men takes in this weeks episode, "New Business," a title, by the way, that feels very tongue in cheek since the women-are-whores thesis is nothing new for this show, especially for Don Draper who has some serious whore issues. Much like last weeks episode, this was a strange one and I'm wondering if we're going to be seeing strange episodes every week now. There were really two main threads--Don treating women like whores, and Megan being treated like a whore. Subject and object. Man and woman. Hustler and his hustlee. There is one very hilarious exception that I'll get to at the very end, but outside of the "whore thesis" (yes, I think I will keep calling it that) this weeks episode was also an exercise in French lunacy. Half the episode felt like a very old French comedy with the wacky, drunk mother and her two daughters who cat-fight for a few hours all while being sexy, stylish, and speaking in French. And honestly, I could watch Marie yell, "bring cash!" for hours and never stop laughing. It was another odd-ball one, but aren't all the best episodes? Grab some furniture that doesn't belong to you and let's go. 

Hey look. Death came to visit. Well, Di was more or less forced to come visit after a not-so-well-played proposition from Don. A lot of this episode centered on Don trying to get to know Di and Di's ultimate rejection of Donald Draper (hm, potential foreshadowing since technically the real Don Draper is dead?) Don is really laying it on thick with Di, isn't he? He somehow shows up at her new place of business where she is once again a waitress--a service worker who will give you what you want but in the end you must pay her for it (women are whores). After Don gives Di his phone number and tells her to call him, she proceeds to get drunk and...actually calls him. This is a late night booty call but not one that is initiated by Di; never lose sight of the fact that Don is in control here. Even when Di tries to tell Don that she isn't sure she wants this (sex), Don rebukes her by saying "it's three in the morning. You know why you're here. Do you want a drink or not?" In other words, Don is treating Di like a whore and Di understands that this is her role to play. For a few hours she gets to forget her tragic life (because of course the woman is also a mother with a lost child. I'll get to that in a second) but ultimately Di is treated like a woman of the night--she eventually has to leave the apartment, like so much dirty laundry, when the real woman of the household comes calling. Her status as whore is even more enforced in the end when Don shows up, gift in hand, and expects his just rewards. Now credit where credit is due, Di actually rejects him here only because she's been made aware that she's just another whore in a long line of whores. Once you get her out of her uniform of either a service worker (waitress) or her sex worker uniform (the nightgown), it turns out that she's a person with (really depressing) feelings! Who knew! Di was once a mother to two little girls, one of whom died. Golly. This sounds familiar, or at least bears some startling resemblances to Don's life, something I think he understands and I think will continue to draw him to Di. Don is also the son of a whore (Di's current status in this episode as both whore and mother) and his mother left him just like Di left her other daughter. There was another child left behind who must be missing both sibling and parent (Adam or even Dick Whitman himself) while Di embarks on a new life to forget the pain from whence she came. Di is also Don, but since Don's a whore himself this really all fits neatly together. I know there is a lot to unpack in this paragraph and in the interactions between Don and Di themselves but it really comes down to this: Di is, at the end, an amalgam of Don's issues wrapped into one sad package. She is a whore (as was Don' mother and part of his great shame growing up in a whore house); she's a mother who left her children (like Don's own mother and like he's accused Betty of doing in the past) and she's Death Incarnate (a figure that has loomed large over Donald Draper since the beginning of the show). As Don is wont to do, he tried to make Di into some sort of savior figure for his mountain-of-crap but fails because he turns her into those very problems: death, sex, and mothers. Have we seen the last of Di? Probably not. I expect we'll see her again, maybe at the end of the seasons/series.

And then there is Megan, who was treated like a whore by pretty much everyone in this episode. To some degree, I think Weiner and company are trying to get us to think about actresses as whores in general, a metaphor that certainly isn't unique to Mad Men. In order to move her career forward, Megan has to do what so many actresses do in her position: butter up, seduce, and play to those in power (and because we're in the 1970s--that means a man). In this case, Harry Crane, someone Megan cannot stand even in the slightest but for whom she'll put on her best mini-dress, poof up her hair, and put on tons of eyeshadow (holy blue eyeshadow, Batman!). She'll play up the fact that she's a gorgeous woman while flattering the heck out of her lunch companion if it means Harry will help her get an agent. Now, make no mistake, I am not making excuses for Harry Crane who takes the women-as-whores thesis to a literal translation and propositions Megan at the lunch table. He's a pig and he deserved a good slap in the face or even just a glass of wine thrown in his face. But he's demonstrating the concept of this episode: men have the power to turn women in whores and, more than that, it's expected. All art is selling something, and if Megan wants to be an artist, then she has to sell something--namely herself. Harry's entire bit of advice to Megan after she rejects his sexual advances is that if Megan didn't act this way, she'd be further in her career. Whore it out, baby! That's how you'll get far in this world. After the nasty run in with Harry Crane, Megan is then treated to yet another display of women-are-whores and this time from her former husband, Mr. Draper himself. After hearing about how Don has ruined Megan's life, Don decides that the only way to make up for this is to treat Megan like...you guessed it. A whore. He literally pulls out his check book and gives her a million dollars. In Don's head, he's hoping that this makes Megan happy and that's righted the wrongs he committed because surely women want things like money and presents (never respect or admiration or an apology), but coming off of Megan's lunch with Harry in which she was asked for sex in return for help in her career...this was just another way of reminding her that she's a whore. Way to go Don!

And thus we come to the one woman in this episode who was not treated like a whore, but rather treated everyone around her like one--man, woman, model, vegetable, mineral. She's even trying to make art her bitch, isn't she? Pima. A well known photographer who has been hired to work for SC&P, Pima moves through the episode hustling Stan and Peggy and the company. She can get everyone to do as she wants, from showing her the dark room to, presumably, getting Peggy to change her mind on which photo to use. But here's why I think this little subplot is hilarious. Do you see what Pima is wearing--what she wore the entire time she was in this episode? A man's suit. We never saw Pima not in a three piece male-esque suit. It's all sort of fabulous, of course, but it helps drive home the thesis of this episode: men have the power. In order for Pima to be as well respected and powerful as she apparently is, she adopts a male lifestyle, either unconsciously or consciously. Pima dresses in female-version of a man's clothes; she hustles everyone around her, she understands that all art is selling something and you can either be the seller or what is being sold. Pima manages to get Stan to seriously worry about his art and his own creative genius (not something we've ever seen from Stan before) just by her mere presence. Pima manages to gobsmack Peggy with just one little touch on skin. The actual business side here doesn't matter. Pima is a walking thesis for this weeks episode. But to leave this review on a slightly more upbeat kind of note, the one person who figured Pima out by the end? Peggy Olson. Peggy might have been treated like an object by Pima but she saw what was going on and seems to be the only one who did. Oh Pegs. You're gonna make it after all. One final nail on the head moment, this time coming from Pete Campbell. He gave, what I think is not only a sum of the series as a whole, but answer the questions I posed last week about if Don (or Dick) can enter 1971: "What if you never get past the beginning?" There are no second chances and no chances period. These characters--apart from Peggy--keep making the exact same mistakes over and over again (hence the irony of this weeks title). People do not fundamentally change; they are always stuck in the beginning.

Miscellaneous Notes on New Business 

--Another women-are-whores moment, though a much subtler one. Marie calls Roger and begs him to come over with money ("bring cash!") to help her out of a jam. She tells him to bring $200 in order to get all of Don's things off the sidewalk. When Roger gets there, he only has to pay $180, the furniture is in the truck, and Marie is having a cigarette. It might be incredibly subtle, but I'm pretty sure there was some hanky panky between Marie and the furniture mover in order to reduce the price and get the stuff off the street before Roger arrived.

--Betty is going back to school to get her master's degree in psychology. Because "people love to talk to me." I think I laughed for five minutes solid.

--"How do you sleep at night knowing the Manson Brothers are running around?"

--So, does Don ever get his furniture back? That was hilarious but also a nice symbolic note that his life is now literally empty. Also a nice juxtaposition to the opening scene where Don also looks around the Francis house but instead of finding it empty. finds it full of life and color. Everything that empty NYC penthouse is now not.

--Are we going to be seeing an old girlfriend every episode now? Hi Sylvia, it's really appropriate that you showed up this episode since you were really Don's whore-mother in season six. Also, mega awkward elevator meeting, no?

--I miss Sally. Where is Sally?

--"You're nothing but an aging, sloppy, selfish liar." Pretty much, Megan, pretty much.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (4x17)

I have an alcoholic beverage. Please, let that be a warning to you for how I feel about this episode. What in the name of all that is holy was that? I mean, I know it was a giant cluster-frack of stupid, but what was the point of any of this weeks episode, "Heart of Gold"? Do we really need another villain on this show? Are we not drowning in villains already? Did we really need an entirely pointless trip to Oz for some really random reason like a magical potion that will cure magically thick blood (only..why did Rumple need it in the past..?) Did we really need an entire episode devoted to Robin Hood and his so called code of honor that is anything but a code of honor? Did we really need a magical switcheroo thanks to a magical plot device (six leaf clover; lord save me from these plot devices). In short did we actually need this episode at all? Would your lives be any poorer--would the story of ONCE be any poorer--without it? No. No it wouldn't. I spent so much of this episode honestly wondering what was going on and so confused that even on my second re-watch I wasn't sure if I got all the plot points. This whole episode--and this whole show now--are designed for one thing: the shock value. They don't care about heart and emotion and treating their characters like human beings; they care about buzzworthy moments that you can tweet about with clever hashtags. Worst episode of the arc by far, and maybe one of the worst episodes period. Grab your lucky six leaf clover and let's go. Also, drink every time I ask you "what is the point?" It'll be fun!

The Not So Triumphant And Totally Unneeded Return To Oz

How about a semi-nontraditional review? I haven't done one in a while.

PLOT: Rumple sends Robin to Oz to retrieve a plot device never heard of nor seen before in the history of this show and one that has no ties (that I can think of) to mythology or Disney Lore.

This is Stupid Because: Why does Rumple need Robin Hood to travel to Oz? Why does he need Robin to get this magical elixir? He says he can't do it himself since Zelena doesn't want to see Rumple, but why not put on a disguise? Change your appearance? We know magicians in this show do it all the time. In present day, yes, it makes sense for why Rumple needs this elixir with the really specific name but why in the past? Is it just a precaution? Because Rumple isn't experiencing any thick-blood symptoms in the past; he isn't weak, fatigued, and he has magic so he can cure himself--which is exactly what he tells Robin he used to do while he lies in a hospital bed. While in Storybrooke, Rumple used magic to prevent what is happening to him, so the logic should follow that in the Enchanted Forest, Rumple did the same. So again, I ask you why is Rumple showing up, fully cloaked and speaking in his over the top cockney accent, to ask Robin to go to Oz? What was the point?

To add insult to injury, what is the point of Will Scarlett in Oz? Or better yet, how did he get to Oz? And how did he get out? And how did Will then met up with Robin Hood once back in the Enchanted Forest? Why is Will even part of this show? What is the point of Will right now? Can Will Scarlett get character development outside of Robin at all? Does anyone else remember Wonderland and how wonderful Will was in that; how he went from a guy with no heart to someone who gave probably the best speech ONCE has ever given about the power of true love? And now Will is just the random comic relief and he added nothing to this plot or show. Robin did not need to met Will on the road; he knew he was going after the elixir (for whatever reason you want to fanwank away to) so adding Will is one hundred percent unnecessary. The only thing that I think might be relevant in the here and now (let's not worry about what may or may not be coming for season 5) is that they had Will mention his sister again. Is Penelope--the sister--in any way related to the current plot? Is she secretly Cruella? I mean, why not, right? Secret identities are all the rage right now. If Marian can be Zelena using a magical 6-leaf clover in a shiny jar to transform and glammer herself, then I guess Cruella can really be Will's long lost dead sister. And, finally, there really is no point in talking about Zelena in Oz in the past. It was maybe the briefest appearance by a character in their own mythology to date. She just thew some fire balls, got knocked down, and that was that. The writers just want you to be excited to see a former character; and yes, there are Zelena fans but really...did anyone actually miss her and say to themselves "golly, I wish I could see Zelena again for five seconds while she just saunters toward Robin and then awkwardly throws fireballs." This trip to Oz was a total waste and left me with way more questions about how portals work and how people move about realms, but the questions are just exhausting at this rate. So...move on? That's what I am supposed to do, right? I'm not supposed to worry my pretty little head about such silly things like logic, plot, and continuity.

Everybody Is A White Woman

PLOT: The longest lasting Person of Color on this show turns out to be a white woman who is now sexing her sister's true love and forcing her former mind-rape victim to write her a happy ending. And we are supposed to cheer that she has returned from beyond the grave.

This is Stupid Because: do I really even need to say? Really? Do I need to sit here and tell you how horrible this is? Once Upon A Serious Race Problem. I talked about this back in my review of 314, "The Tower" in which Rapunzel was the very definition of a filler character and was only there to prop up Charming but this is a new low. This is the lowest of the low and sadly major racial issues are happening every single season now. Every year, every arc, there is some Person of Color character who is treated appallingly by the writers. Either they die quickly, are really a white person in disguise, submissive, or an obstacle. And, in this case, it's all for the sake of promoting a very troubled relationship! This is the OUAT writers wanting to have their cake and eat it too, damn the consequences of what it means from a racial standpoint and how it makes their entire writing staff look either completely out of touch or incredibly racist! What do I mean by the cake metaphor? Last season, the writers on the show decided that they weren't done playing with their favorite Green-Skinned Toy so they decided that she survived Rumple's attempted killing. While I hate that idea, it's at least in line with how TV runs mostly. No one is ever truly dead and people come back all the time (unless you're Neal). But the writers also wanted to have a lot of Outlaw Queen drama because sex and triangles sell and so to hell with morals or logic or codes or honor, right? And so we got an entire half season of never ending OQ drama, complete with sex in a crypt and now none of that matters. Why? Because Marian was never Marian. She was Zelena all along and the real Marian was evaporated by Zelena in the Enchanted Forest of the Past when Hook and Emma went through her time portal (because heaven forbid they keep a strong woman of color on this show!) Now, the fact that Robin broke all his codes of honor and chivalry don't matter at all--it wasn't his wife; in fact it was a villain who takes delight in breaking her poor sister's heart by screwing her soul mate! It's cheap; it's tawdry; it's remedial. And frankly, it's a sign that the writers on this show don't care about telling a good and honest story, they care about heightened drama and things that make people gasp but not in a thought provoking kind of way. Only in a way that gets them to tweet excitedly. It's all flash in the pan and no substance.

Okay, I've been plenty snarky for awhile, let's do something different. How about we discuss my favorite moment of the episode, though of course I did have some serious issues with it as well. This speech Rumple gave Robin outside the hospital was quite beautiful and quite reminiscent to who Rumple used to be--the Rumple I loved. It was also the most he spoke of his son in a very long time, as if Rumple (or the writers) suddenly remembered that Baelfire was part of this show once. Rumple, in this scene, recognizes that he did have happiness. But as he does, Rumple let it go, he pushed it away. Rumple dropped Bae down a portal and wasn't content to be married to Belle. As he says, "a man who pushed away every chance at happiness because it was never enough." That is Rumple in a nutshell; so why do I still have issues? Because that thesis of Rumple hasn't been playing out on screen. He has been myopically focused on his power but with no underlying desire for his happy ending until he lost it all at the end of the FROZEN ALL THE THINGS--which would have included Bae. Even if Michael Raymond-James never came back to this show (and I'm not expecting that he ever would want to return) Rumple not trying to bring back his boy after searching for three hundred years? After this speech in which he understands that he did have his happy ending once? Makes no sense. None whatsoever. And now he's being expected to get a happy ending for the woman who murdered his son (and gleefully gloats about it) and mind-raped him for a year. And we're supposed to be thrilled that Zelena is back. Nope. Not even remotely.

I'm going to be honest. My heart isn't into this review this week--be it praise or snark. The frustrating and lackluster (and very rage inducing) episode has just left me sad and angry and not wanting to even think about how truly terrible this episode was. And it was truly that terrible. It's not even a matter of not seeing our regular cast members. Stand alone episodes of guest stars can work well enough if the material is strong; but the cheap and sickening morals and ethics coupled with the overwhelming number of plot devices and silly reveals just leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I miss when this show made me happy; when I found something new and exciting every week. Now I just watch with half closed eyed, thinking about all atrocities they are committing. There were other ways to end Marian and Robin without resorting to some serious blatant racism. There were ways to introduce the Elixir of the Wounded Heart without the unnecessary Oz trip. This show claims that it wants to push boundaries but in reality it just falls, head first, into the oldest and silliest of soap opera tropes. And with that note, see everyone next week.

Miscellaneous Notes on Heart of Gold

--Get out of Neal's apartment and get out of it right now. I don't care what excuse they come up with for why Regina has Neal's keys in the first place. Zelena name dropping him is the first time we get a Nealfire reference in HOW LONG and it’s from people who could care less that he’s dead (not to mention his murderer) and instead of it being meaningful and heartfelt, to show that characters who should care--like Emma and Henry--have actual human emotions and aren’t just caricatures and robots only focused on shiny shiny magic and PLOT….it’s to hint at what is to come plot wise–brief and unneeded outside of shiny shiny plot. That is what is offense. Neal is mentioned in passing for PLOT not because the characters on this show should actually want to talk about him as if he was a meaningful part of this story because guess what–HE WAS. Get out of Neal's apartment, you perfect strangers.

--Rumple doesn't want Neal's things--well, fine. But maybe Henry does???

--"I am only the Savior because you altered my entire being at the expense of another soul." No, I don't think that is how this works Emma. You're actually only the Savior because of your parents true love and the fact that Rumple put a drop of it on a scroll. Nothing about this news affects you or casts dispersions of your saviorhood.

--"You're the biggest pain in the ass I've ever had the displeasure of writing about." Ok, line of the night.

--How did Rumple get the Quill?

--Robin uses the clover to disguise himself when breaking into the Dark One's Castle. Okay, fine. But Belle recognized Sean Maguire (who now plays Robin) but she only met Tom Ellis (who played Robin in "Lacey") So in order to solve what was never a plot hole, but merely a standard TV business occurrence, the writers created more problems for themselves. 

--If Marian was Zelena all along, then why was "Marian's" heart bright and pure red when Regina removed it in 403?

In Which I Review Game of Thrones (5x1)

Folks, don't get used to this feature; it will not be a regular occurrence. But often times I feel compelled to review an episode (one singular episode) for my own selfish reasons: mainly that I just really want to talk about that episode but have little time to review the show fully. I'll do a season finale as well for GoT to make it up to any readers. Here is something you may not know about me; I have been reading A Song of Ice and Fire for over a decade. Long before HBO got their hands on George RR Martin's work, I was reading it, theorizing about it, and loving it. As such, my relationship with HBO's "Game of Thrones" is complicated. While I adored the first season, since it was an almost literal translation from page to screen, the show has begun to wildly diverge and go off on their own path--something I find rather hard to stomach especially when their own path feels like a disservice to Martin's work. The show is also going to be sticking its toe into future books that have not been published as of yet. That makes me both excited and nervous as someone who has had to wait years in between books and would love some new things to analyze, but also nervous as someone who didn't imagine her favorite book series being spoiled by a TV show. However, since I do consider myself a lover of all things TV and pop culture, I have been remiss in reviewing, properly, an episode of Game of Thrones--the biggest pop culture craze out there. So, without further ado, the season five premiere episode, "The Wars to Come." Grab a dragon...or a direwolf. 

In Kings Landing

Welcome to the year of Cersei Lannister. I mean that literally. Season five is going to be made up of two books, A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons (and apparently a little bit of The Winds of Winter). The former, book four in the series, is very Cersei heavy as we witness her attempt (emphasis on attempt because Cersei Lannister couldn't rule even if she was literally handed a book called 'How to be the Best Ruler Alive') to rule in King's Landing in the wake of her son Joffery and her father Tywin dying. In the passing of Tywin, Cersei is preparing for her next battle, mostly against the Tyrell clan who refuse to leave King's Landing without securing Margery as Queen; Joffery or no Joffery, Marg must be queen. Cersei is easily my least favorite character in print or on screen. Everything about her is off-putting but nothing more so than her constant attempts to rule by being "mother of the year." In other words, claiming that everything she does is for her children, but in reality is for Cersei's own selfish desires. Her interactions with Jaime, even if it was rather brief, were stilted and harsh but doesn't seem to mesh with what we saw from them at the end of S4. The back and forth of Jaime and Cersei needs to be at an end, and I'm not just saying that because it's completely different in the books. Jaime's own redemption arc, something that was done quite well in season 3, came to a sudden screeching halt at the end of last season when he and Cersei slept together in the White Tower (no no no no no!!!) Jaime should be forever moving away from Cersei as her hold on power begins to tighten and everyone around her is strangled to death. It's time for Jaime to branch out and go...be the Jaime I know (and kinda really like) in the books. Accompanying Cersei's march through King's Landing, we had a brief mention of the new Sparrow sect. Keep an eye on them. Trust me.

At The Wall

Oh Jon Snow. You are your father's son. Both fathers. If you're familiar with who Jon's biological papa is--the kind of man Rhaegar Targaryen was--then did anyone else feel like Jon was really playing out Rhaegar's struggle here? Rhaegar had a choice just like Jon and Mance do. There is the selfish choice, which, yes can mean making your own choice however foolhardy or you can make the harder choice, the one that might lose you the respect of your friends, family, and subjects. You can bend you knee to something like losing everything you thought you stood for in order to save the world. Jon, like Rhaegar before him, would chose the harder path--it might make things messy and complicated with his subjects and those who live under him, but it's the best choice because what do pride, honor, and being king matter when the world is at stake? Running off with Lyanna? Possibly a very bad move. But if it means that the Prince that was Promised was born? Possibly worth it. The conversation between Jon and Mance was quite touching and nice; Mance has been like a father figure to Jon and Jon deeply respects the Wildlings (most of them) now, thanks in large part to Ygritte. And that's why my favorite moment of the evening was Jon shooting Mance through the heart so he wouldn't have to watch a good man die in a truly terrible way. You're a good man, Jon Snow. I hope you can stay that way. In other Wall related news, the men of the Night's Watch need a new Lord Commander. Yeah, keep an eye on that plot development. Trust me. And, Mel, I'm only going to say this once: you do not get to screw Jon Snow. You keep your weird fire mitts off of him. He is not for you! Fanaticism: thy name is Melisandre.

In Pentos

Drunk Tyrion is my favorite Tyrion. No, that's a lie. Any Tyrion is my favorite Tyrion but I do love snarky, wishing-I-was-dead, mostly drunk Tyrion. I both loved and hated this portion of the episode. I'll start with why I hated it (and yes, it has to do with the books). Varys is a great character; sly, cunning and unassuming, he's the perfect master of whispers. But I have such serious problems with this idea that Varys is on #TeamRealm or something. In a way he is, but he--like everyone else in Westeros--on #Team-Realm-As-I-See-It. He isn't trying to restore the Targaryen monarchy, not with Daenerys. He's trying to put a Blackfyre on the throne for crying out loud (if you don't know what that means, go read the books. Trust me). He's not pro-Targaryen and he's not pro-realm. He's pro-my-guy-who-I've-invested-a-lot-of-time-and-money-into. Where is fAegon!? Ugh. Sorry. This bugs me more than I thought it would. However, forget everything I just said because even though I do not like that they've turned Varys into someone he is not, I did love his speech to Tyrion about what makes a good ruler. And he's referring to my Silver Queen, Daenerys Targaryen. That speech made me proud to support Dany and everything I think she stands for--the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and the human. Now, Tyrion, go find someone who knows Dany better than anyone else (*cough* Jorah *cough*) and get thee to Meereen! Even though I am nervous about the show spoiling the books, I can't wait for Tyrion and Dany to met. My two favorite characters? In the same room? Talking? Yes please.

In Meereen

And finally in Meereen, I try very hard to ignore that Daario has a nice butt because I really dislike his character in the books. He is not some romantic, sweet and nice guy, HBO. He's a swaggering sellsword who proposes that Dany butcher half of Meereen. He "loves" her only because she is powerful and beautiful and rare, like her dragons. He doesn't really know her and the attempt to add sympathy to him by giving Daario a sad story fell on my very deaf ears. But yes, the actor is gorgeous. Meereen is a hard plot line to talk about because from here until the end of this season, it's going to be rough going for Dany. Very rough going. I don't want to go give anything away, but those Sons of the Harpy? Keep an eye on them. Trust me. My hope for this season with Dany is that they let her stop being "badass" all the time and show how fragile and human she is, and not just in bed with her lover. Daenerys is made up of self doubt, more so than Cersei, which is a really important contrast. She is plagued by decisions she's made and the consequence thereof. Dany becomes an increasingly internal character and I am worried that the show doesn't know how to translate that on screen since you can read someone's internal conflict but it's harder to show. Book five, which is a Dany heavy book, is really focused on her identity and what being Daenerys Targaryen means. Is she a Harpy Queen or The Mother of Dragons? They have got to sell that this year or else the resolution that comes at the end isn't going to have any impact. Trust me.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Wars To Come

--Obviously with Game of Thrones, there are a lot of plot lines so I had to skip quite a bit. Here are some highlights. As someone who doesn't particularly like Sansa Stark, I did really enjoy her tet-a-tet with Littlefinger; it shows that she has come quite far since the beginning. But, where are they going...? Can't be the North. It's not the North, right? That would be sincerely weird given the books as it stands right now.

--The opening scene was really well done and I'm glad the show is keeping the Younger and More Beautiful Queen prophecy.

--I don't understand what Brienne is doing now that she's lost Arya and has apparently given up on Sansa. Also, I didn't like the way Brienne was talking to Pod. Brienne feels bad for the boy in the books, but she is never visciously cruel to him like she was in this episode.

--Oh look, sexposition. What would GoT be without it? Also known as: you need to remember Dorne so here is a whore talking about Dorne while being a whore.

--No Arya or Jorah this episode. Two of my favorites.

--Angry dragons make me sad

--"Who said anything about him?"

--Overall I'd give this episode an 8. The things I did not like were because I'm a book reader first. It's a constant struggle.

In Which I Review Mad Men (7x8)

The end of an era. A time to say goodbye, to think fondly back on all the memories made. A time to realize how massively you've screwed up your life. Welcome back, Mad Men. I have missed you dearly. Let's just start off with some eyebrow raising but not really a criticism, more a passing caveat. This weeks episode, "Severance," was a weird one. It's not that Mad Men hasn't done oddities before; on some level all episodes of this show are weird in that they are so carefully constructed and detailed that you can feel overwhelmed by the amount of symbolic resonance and storytelling. But this episode felt like it never quite knew where to land. I half expected it to end with Don Draper waking up and the entire thing having been an nightmare. But, of course, Mad Men isn't that crazed. It was all real and it was really that macabre. It's hard to imagine that the first half of this season ended with Bert gleefully dancing and singing while secretaries in outlandishly bright costumes twirled around him, but it did. The best things in life are free, he intoned. It was a message from beyond the grave: Donald Draper, do you have time to change your life? Do you understand that you can have it all, but only if you let go of these material things holding you back? Perhaps, only if you let go of Donald Draper? Well. Guess what? Message, not received. Because the underlying thesis of Mad Men is, and always has been, that people do not change. This Don Draper...is the same Don Draper in season one. Bert's message fell on deaf ears as the money and the women and the booze begin to pile up around Don once more. But maybe, just maybe, he can still catch his flight. Grab an old fashioned cocktail and let's embark, one final time, into the dizzying brilliance that is Mad Men. 

I have said it before: Donald Draper cannot enter the 1970s. I've also said this before: I was wrong. Turns out, Matthew Weiner can almost gleefully pass right into the 1970s without anyone blinking an eye. It was rather cheeky of Weiner to pass over the remainder of 1969 in the fashion he did (no Woodstock!) especially for a show so heavily entrenched in the 1960s aesthetic, but it's perfect for the man who loves to skip months at a time to prove that these broken people at SC&P are still the same. So, having admitted that I was wrong, I want to take a look at Donald Draper's current mountain-o-crap that is infecting his life. This episode finds Don doing the same thing Don always does: he's philandering, he's boozing, he's sleeping on the job. After successfully coming back to work last half of the season, working his way back up to creative director (no fuss, no muss, his name is back on that iconic door) and he finds himself back where we somehow always knew he'd end up: lonely and alone. Money corrupts. Isn't that some sort of trite cliche? Well, for Don and the rest of the partners who turned a hefty profit when they allowed their company to be bought by McCan/Erickson, it turned them all into bitter shrews who are deeply unhappy and looking in all the wrong places for the life they really want to live. What life does Don really want to live? What life can he really live here at the end of all things when Bert's message has failed to seriously make an impact? The proposition that saved his job is slowly killing him because I think Don Draper is tired of being Don Draper. I think he's ready to be Dick Whitman.

If there was one theme that was hammered home time and time again in this episode, it was that you have to take the life you want to live, not accept the life you have. The problem is that several of the characters stumbled into this realization and then blatantly went the other way. Kenny was fired and was finally free to go live his life as an author like he always wanted, only to turn around and get another job in advertising, the job that has made him miserable and cost him an eye. Joan finally realized that she would always be seen as a sex object, an uncomfortable reminder that she literally slept her way to the top and prostituted herself for her partnership, but instead of facing it head on, she buried herself in more luxury clothing, believing that her new found wealth could ease her pain. Peggy, ever the romantic deep down inside, met a great guy and had her first true perfect date only to snub it the next morning and tell herself that aspirin would cure her of this desire she felt for something non-work related. Oh Pegs. Listen to the cute guy: you're fearless and you really can have it all. Be your Mary Tyler Moore best self and have both the career and the man. If anyone can do it, it's you. But let's bring this back to Don. And...Rachel Menken? Who, turns out to have died prior to this vision of her dressed in fur? Another ghost from the past--they aren't uncommon to Don who has seen his dead brother Adam and of course Bert.

Why is Rachel here? In a lot of ways, Rachel Menken (from season one) was perhaps Don's perfect match and the "one that got away" out of the many (many many) women Don has had over the years. She was sexy and strong and independent but also damaged much in the same way that Don was. They connected but Don, being Don, decided to go back to Betty and his kids only to find out, at the end of season one, that he has missed the train in the current Draper household but only after Rachel rejected his offer to fly off into the sunset together. Rachel Menken shows up here as a bit of a Jacob Marley-type of ghost. Once you learn she is dead, you almost hear the chains in the background warning our Draper-Scrooge to change his ways and start living the life he wants. That's the takeaway message Don gets from visiting Rachel's memorial and seeing her children. "She lived the life she wanted to live. She had everything." Don does not have everything. No word on Sally and the boys this episode; Megan is now being called "the ex wife" and his work is once again only something that gets him through the day. Was Don in any way creative this episode? He did nothing but show up, drink, and whore. And this is what I mean by saying that I think he's ready to start being Dick Whitman. It's time for Donald Draper to really die. To be put in that pine box that Don once placed "Dick" in and be gone. Dick Whitman never got to live a real life. He grew up poor and unloved and abused by his father, his stepmother, and the whores he lived with and then all too soon he went to Korea and upon his return home decided he didn't want to be Dick Whitman anymore; he wanted to be Donald Draper. Dick Whitman has been struggling to live for decades now, crushed under the weight of Donald Draper. Well, Don Draper has lived a life that Dick thought he wanted, but now that's over. Those things that once made Don who he was, that carefully constructed life he built out of a deck of cards, is crumbling around him and instead of adding another fake layer to it (another wife, another business venture, another drink) perhaps he can have a proper wake up call and live the life he wants. Dick's life. Whatever that might mean. Don Draper entered 1970, but if (oh such a big word and full of such possibility, that 'if') Dick Whitman can finally claw his way out of Don Draper's carefully lad out life of lies, I wouldn't be shocked if Dick enters 1971. The best things in life are free, Dick. Go; live the life you want to live.

Miscellaneous Notes on Severance

--"Is that all there is?" Basically the other theme of the night that fits in with the "go live the life you want" theme.

--While I love Peggy and Joan tag-teaming and being badass business women, it's still very hard to see Joan being treated the way she is. Sexism has always been a motif in this show and I didn't expect it to stop here at the end, but poor Joan. She did sleep her way to the top, but she has also proven that she's damn good at handling accounts. She is more than the sashaying secretary with big boobs; she's actually incredibly competent but to to hell if men can see that. The fight between Peggy and Joan was rough to watch, but these are two women who do respect each other but often have a hard time showing it because their approach to life is always going to be different. Remember, 10 years ago (show time), Peggy was a little slip of a girl with a big box on her fist day and Joan was the towering figure of secretarial authority. Now, look at them. Joan is still treated like a sex object while Peggy gets treated "like a man" who more or less hates being reminded that she was once a secretary and not a copy chief.

--Now forget everything I said in the above note because "I want to burn this place down!" was my line of the night.

--Of course Don becomes obsessed with a woman name "Di" whom he treats like a whore. Of course.

--Let's all take a moment to appreciate Roger and Ted's epic 1970s 'stache. 

--When people die, things get mixed up. Dick Whitman "died" many years ago and things got mixed up. Fix your life Don. Before it's too late.

In Which I Review Cinderella (2015 Movie)

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ella...

Can you tell the same story over and over again without it losing its magic, without it losing that little special something that made it a story worth telling in the first place? Hollywood's answer to this question over the past few years has been a resounding "no." In order to tell a story, you have to take apart the old one, bit my bit, until it's broken into its component parts and then put it back together--Frankenstein style--so that there is some new twist, some new allure. Maleficent becomes the tragic heroine and King Stephan is an evil prick. The Wicked Witch of the West is really a lost ugly little girl who never fit in and Dorothy is an unfortunate interloper. Ursula's crown and kingdom were stolen by her vile brother, Triton. The taglines are all the same, "this is the story you thought you knew!" And so it goes, revision after revision until the story is muddled, the lines in the sand are less clear, and you're not sure from whence you began. But here's the thing: sometimes the oldest stories, those stories with clear villains and heroes, the ones that are as old as time, those stories with their magic wands and wicked stepmothers and enchanting servant girls and charming princes...are still the best. You need not tell me a new story; you just have to tell me the old story well.

Hashing the Plot

Here's the thing. You know this story. I know this story. Everyone in the blessed world knows this story. That's the kind of cultural collateral 'Cinderella' has. It doesn't matter if your version of the story has a glass slipper, a golden slipper, or a slipper made of fur (yes, really). It's the same story and it's a powerful one. There is very little revision in this updated live action Disney version. Everything is as it should be; Cinderella herself is charming, brave, and kind. She works hard for her wicked family; she is kind to animals who are, in turn, kind to her and help her sew dresses and keep her company. Ella is beautiful on the outside but its her inner beauty that shines the brightest. Her prince is handsome and sweet and attentive and all together charming (and played by Richard Madden, who is startlingly beautiful once you get him out of the furs and leathers of North). The wicked step mother is in her trope-tastic glory as she mentally and verbally abuses Cinderella; as sly as a fox, she moves throughout the scene as an ominous black cloud, simply hating Cinderella for being pretty and kind and youthful. The stepsisters, Anastasia and Drusilla, are loud, ridiculous and garish. The fairy godmother is like something out of another world, meaning that she is either quite mad or you are for believing in her bippty boppity boos. Gus Gus the mouse is as chubby and adorable as always. There is a small bit of revision in that the writers do try to flesh out Lady Tremaine a bit more than the classic animated Disney story but not the extent that she suddenly becomes a hero or even anti-hero. Oh, no. Never that far. Lady Tremaine is a sad woman but it has turned her bitter instead of allowing us to be sympathetic. Lady Tremaine is every inch the Wicked Stepmother cliche and the story is the better for it. I don't need her to be tragic and lonesome and heartbroken, leaving my loyalties torn between the kind Cinderella and the "evil isn't born, it's made" Stepmother. I am perfectly comfortable with her classic villainy. The story is supremely old and it fits...well, it fits like a glass slipper on the correct ladies foot.

What I Liked

--Holy smokes, this film is breathtakingly gorgeous. It's as if you have been popped into a color factory where every color is richer and more defined and less tainted by the world. The colors of this film are almost unnaturally and jarringly beautiful. There is a veritable explosion of blues from the soft sky blue of Ella's peasant dress, to the rich deep ocean blue of the Prince's jacket, to the clear almost gem like cerulean or cyan of Ella's ball gown. The costumes themselves complete the story, working to tell the tale you already know. The prince's soft green hues match Ella's light blues; a study in complements instead of contrast. The Wicked Stepmother's first appearance has her in jet black that sucks all the color and energy from the room as she becomes the ominous sign of abuse and neglect. She is later in the darker, energy pulling greens that seek to drown out Ella's blues, just as Lady Tremaine schemes to keep Ella locked in the attic. The step sisters are forever in unnatural colors of pinks and yellows that stand apart from the idilyic country colors that make up Cinderella's world. The warm browns and other spring and autumnal earth tones found on Ella's country estate are at odds with the polka dots and heavily brocaded outwear of Ana and Dru. All of it screams that the two sisters and their mother simply do not belong. See, costume design. It matters.

--Apart from the costumes, though, the scenery itself is mesmerizing. Every angle is carefully set up with light and shadow so that the rooms look appropriately lux or desolate. The castle, home of the king and prince, is grand and felt like something that took hundreds of years to get right instead of the set designers working for a few months to get all the details right.

--The transformation scene, in which Ella is turned into her princess best, is straight up, pure, unfiltered magic. If Walt Disney were to pop up out of his grave and watch this scene, he would nod with approval and say, "Yes. That is what I intended." Those iconic glass slippers might be one of the most gorgeous things I've ever seen on film. I shall require them in my closet, post haste. 

--Cate Blanchett as the Wicked Stepmother, the Lady Tremaine. There is a level of scene chewing to her performance that is entertaining instead of cringe inducing. She should be over the top; she's an archetype after all and she needs to fit the bill. Cate manages to be cold and distant and all together cruel while never raising her voice above a threatening melody and presenting herself as a great lady when she is really anything but. 

--Helena Bonham Carter as the Fairy Godmother. Because of course. Who else would pull off a dress the size of a small moon and be completely absurd but somehow endearing? Her makeup for her small but memorable role was spot on as well. She was the picture of ethereal other-worldly charm.

--Richard Madden as Prince Kit. I spent half the film drowning in his blue eyes and other half cursing George RR Marin for killing Robb Stark.

--Finally, a fairy tale movie that sticks to the actual fairy tale.

What I Did Not Like

--I have very little to say here; as you might be able to tell this is a rave and a gush from me. The problems are few and more nitpicky. Lily James performed adequately as the titular Cinderella. She was spunky and alive but there was something simpering about her that did manage to grate on my nerves toward the end. She has a very low pitch voice that is full of air, and that lends to Ella's delicate nature but also makes me a bit restless, especially when she's expounding the same moral philosophy of being "courageous and kind" over and over.

--Maybe I am becoming overly cynical in my old age, but I found the first 15 minutes of the film--in which we see Ella's perfect childhood and family--a bit too saccharine and sweet. Any more of it and I would probably would have gotten a cavity. Yes, it serves as a contrast to life with the Lady Tremaine but there is something to be said about believability.

--Did I really need 'Frozen Fever' before hand? No, not really. Though, you'll never hear me say no to more Olaf, especially when he has cake. 

--Not nearly enough Gus Gus. That mouse was flipping adorable. 

Final Grade: A-


A film that sparkles and shines with the magic of yesteryear and reminds us all of what it was to be a child discovering fairy tales for the first time.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (4x16)

About two and a half years ago, sometime in the heyday of S2, I had a conversation with a friend about parenting on OUAT and one of the differences I saw between someone like Rumple and the power-saint couple that is Snow White and Prince Charming. It went a little something like this (for dramatic reasons, please imagine that my friend and I are in a cafe drinking espresso. Also, I'm wearing a beret. I don't know why except I think they make you look smarter). 
ME: But the thing I love about Rumple is that at the end of the day, his whole plan is to get his son back. He's a father looking for his little boy. What wouldn't a parent do to get their child back?
FRIEND: Not rip holes in the fabric of the universe.
ME: Really? What about Snow and Charming? They put Emma in a magic tree; but what if she was taken from them, or they lost her through their own selfish act, like Rumple and Bae?
FRIEND: Snow and Charming would never tear a world apart to find their daughter. 
ME: Well...then what does that say about them as parents?
 This conversation never seemed more appropriate than after this weeks episode, "Best Laid Plans." I must admit that this episode shocked me. Good shock or bad shock? Don't know yet. But what does stick out is that the flashbacks, in particular, really fit with one of the most repeated themes on this show, parents doing whatever they must to give their child their best chance and damn the consequences. It's not something we've heard uttered in awhile, but that motif has always lurked around ONCE since the pilot. Snow and Charming giving up Emma; Emma giving up Henry; and even in his own twisted, selfish way, Rumple becoming the Dark One for Bae (and of course, even more twisted than this are Cora/Regina and Malcolm/Rumple). The question I'm supposed to be asking now, at the end of this episode, is are Snow White and Prince Charming really heroes? And did they do the right thing? Grab your magical unicorn horn (Plot Device #235621) and let's go!

Congrats, It's A Dragon-Human-Egg?

"She turned into a heinous dragon and laid an egg." Ladies and gentleman, Once Upon A Time. This episode was designed to get me to question, honestly and sincerely, how I feel about the Charmings. I have a serious issue with the idea that in order to redeem a villain or make them sympathetic, you first have to lower the heroes to the level of the villains and make them the impetus for the villains actions. Snow White and Prince Charming stole a baby dragon egg (that had a human inside....that was confusing and creepy) and emptied their daughter's darkness into it because they couldn't possibly have a daughter with darkness and who has the potential to be evil. Does this feel in line with the characters of season one? I honestly don't know. Snow (and yes, I am going to talk mostly of her because Charming has always been her sidekick and never anything more substantial) was the one who pushed David to put Emma in the wardrobe because they had to give Emma her best chance. But Snow's also the one who felt guilty over what she "did" to Regina (she was 10!) and also knew the burden of leadership passed on from her mother and knew that she had to be brave and kind and not selfish--like saving her mother, Queen Eva, would have been because it would have cost another life in return. This is the same Snow who only banished Regina once they retook the kingdom; when offered the chance to execute the former Queen, Snow decided that it wasn't the right way and preferred "peace." So how do I reconcile these very different Snow White's? I guess I don't, but neither do Adam and Eddy. On the one hand, Snow going to extraordinary lengths to protect her daughter seems to fit; but I also don't see Snow truly believing that her daughter was doomed to darkness--that there was no choice on the daughter's part in the matter. Snow doesn't once stop to think about how her daughter has a choice in her darkness and that it's Snow's job to help guide her child down the right and light path, something that does feel out of character. The hardest part here is knowing that some poor innocent baby suffered because of the Charmings. Who knows what sort of future--happy, sad, normal--that baby could have had if the Charming's hadn't interfered.  The heroes are now responsible for multiple villains suffering; in Regina's case it's a perceived slight (no one will ever convince me that Snow did something *super horrible* to Young! Regina) but in Mal's case, it's an honest to heaven evil act. Maleficent pain was palpable and I did feel very bad for her. Who are the heroes and who are the villains? Isn't that the overarching theme of this season and arc--that the lines between those two seemingly black and white dichotomies are anything but?

I am talking myself in circles, I know, but it's honestly because I don't know how I feel about this. I can't straight up hate the Charmings for what they did to baby-dragon Lily (of course it was Lily; let's all move beyond the element of shock and awe here since there was none). How could I? Like my initial paragraph stated, what wouldn't a parent do to save their child? The issues comes in thinking that the child--Emma--needed to be saved in the first place. Bae was going off to war; he was going to die, there was really no question of that. Without Rumple taking up the mantel and becoming the Dark One--for selfish, desperate, and noble reasons--his child would have die and he would be dust, as he so famously says in "Desperate Souls." But there is no nobility in Snow and Charming's act. It's malevolent and down right dirty. Where's the nobility? Where's the heart? It all felt very bumbling and foolish. I wanted someone--anyone!--to stand up and say, "Snow...we all have darkness and light inside us! It's the choices we make. You know this. You know this maybe better than anyone as you have had to make choices and you've seen your own step mother make choices that led her down a dark path!" You know what it was? It was Cora and Malcolm-like. Cora cared nothing about Regina in the end; it was all about Cora herself and "this is my happy ending." Snow wasn't so much concerned with having a daughter that could potentially go dark as she was concerned with what it might mean for her. How could she, Snow White, have an evil daughter? So find an old man, an egg and solve your problems that way! And let's not forget Snow's stance that this egg isn't a proper child; it's a monster. What kind of messed up philosophy is that? I suppose at this point, I've said all I can say about the Charmings and their (mis)deeds against Maleficent. There is a bitter taste in my mouth and a lot less love for the Charmings--but by the same token, they haven't really been the Charmings in a few seasons now, I guess, so is it really that great of a loss?

I'll save all the Author talk for the present day so let's move on to Storybrooke where everyone ran in circles like little chickens and there was a whole lot of "WTF" going on.

I Was Right?

The events of the present day were really leading up to two different moments: Snow telling Emma and the Author reveal. I am going to tackle these only, everything else is in the notes (yes, that includes the Rumple stuff). So Emma decides to wash her hands of her parents because they told her the truth about how they took her darkness and implanted it into a baby and then accidentally lost the baby. Here's the thing; Emma is a pod and her reactions are never what you'd expect because instead of being in line with her own character arc or growth, they fluctuate based on the person who's giving her the low down. Confused? I'll break it down. Emma told Hook two-ish weeks ago that it doesn't matter what he did to Ursula because he wasn't that guy anymore. He has ticked up enough points in the hero tab that anything he did in the past can be swept under the rug. I had issues with that to begin with, but now let's look at how Emma reacts to her parents news: she decides that she is angry, tearful, and doesn't want to listen to her parents because they did a big bad thing. I guess it doesn't matter how many hero points Snow and Charming have gotten since that moment with the Dragon Egg? This was the biggest bad to end all big bad things and therefore Emma can't hear them out, talk to them, or tell them it doesn't matter. They done gone and did a bad thing y'all and that is that. Consistency. It is not a thing on this show. I'm not even asking that the writers go back and make Emma be angry at Hook--I'm asking that Emma be consistent in her reactions to shocking news that people she loves and cares about are lying to her but have done things since the big bad deed to prove that they have changed! She can't give the same courtesy to her parents? Snow White and Prince Charming? Really? It's very hard for me to not see the sort of blatant preference to keep 'shippers happy and not cry foul. Emma was a daughter long before she was ever part of the gruesome twosome; her home and happy ending were always--first and foremost--her parents and her son. That's all I am going to say about that because honestly, Emma is exhausting. She used to be my favorite female on this show but now she's just someone that I used to know (somebody! that I used to know! Somebody! (I may be listening to music while I type this...))

So here we are at last---we meet the Author. And he's a drunk? Once Upon A Time! Promoting alcoholism, one shady man in leather at a time. Hello massive info dump, am I right? Where did August even learn all this? And why in the world didn't he tell Emma--or Henry--all this way back in season one? Oh right, the writers didn't know that the author would be trapped in the book. I know that TV writing is a process and clearly shows with a huge mythos like ONCE do not flesh everything out in the very beginning, but at least try to come up with answers that make sense and don't feel disrespectful of the previous seasons. There is no reason why August couldn't have told Henry all this back in season one. Henry was the believer; that was his role. August could have told him that the book was made of magical lollipops and gumdrops and the kid would have believed. He ate a freaking poison apple turnover because he believed so much! August being a duex ex machina and suddenly revealing ALL THE THINGS to Emma in the 11th hour was just bad writing. Why couldn't Henry have pieced that together or figured it out? (Because Henry is a thing that doesn't not exist on this show. Like consistency). So what did we learn? Well...a lot. We learned that "Author" is a job, not a person. There have been many authors, including Walt Disney. Wait. Hold up. Lemme backtrack this. Remember when I said this: "Guys, I'm calling it right now. The Author is some sort of amalgam of Merlin and YenSid and he lives in our world under the name Walter, but you can call him Walt. The Great Mouse will be pleased." Yeah, that's right. I basically nailed it. You can pay me in cookies, money, or booze. I am not picky. Anyway. The Author is a guy who is chosen by the Sorcerer to write the stories that need to be remembered---Plato, playwrights, ect. All "Authors." Except for one little greedy guy who got too big for his britches and started manipulating the stories--though we don't yet know how. This guy is the current Author. And he's not nice, he's not happy to see you, and he runs really funny (no, seriously, go back and watch him running away. It's hilarious). The Apprentice--Mickey Mouse and Dumbledore hybrid--trapped him in the book (is the Apprentice really the Sorcerer? He knows an awful lot about magic and spells and seems to be pretty gosh darn powerful). But now he's free and out on the lamb and probably going to make our lives (sorry, the characters lives) a living nightmare. Goody.

Miscellaneous Notes On Best Laid Plans

--I never really answered the question about if I liked this episode or not, did I? I don't know. I think it's going to rank fairly high for this arc, but for the season and series? I'm not so sure. There was a lot of character disappointment but at the same time, we did met the Author! That's kind of big--even if also a let down. Oh, ONCE. You make me so conflicted.

--Alright, let's do it. Rumple. So the speech Rumple gave to the sleeping Belle (poor Emilie de Ravin. You poor soul) was interesting. Well, interesting in that I think it solidifies that Rumple is going to die. Let's look at part of the speech, "And I have racked up so much debt I can never be clear of it…unless I find a way to change the rules. But now… [his hand on his heart] here’s the hard truth. Something else is changing. So, if I’m gonna change the rules, I’m gonna have to do so quickly." Guys, he's going to die. The clutching of the heart gives it away. There is something wrong with Rumple and he knows it. He knows that if he doesn't change the rules soon, his life is over. How when he's immortal? Dunno. The writers will do a thing; they always do a thing. Be free, Bobby. Be free.

--Snow whispers to Charming about keeping secrets from Emma while she is right there and Emma doesn't hear? Really?

--Bad dragon CGI strikes again!

--Does Lily have a father? Probably not. The writers want all the secret baby drama (and Adult! Lily drama) without any of the mess of adding another character. 

--An entire conversation about missing children and Rumple doesn't bring up Bae at all. Keep trying, writers. I am not going to forget him no matter how much effort you put into it.

--You can cast a sleeping spell over an entire town? Or was it a sleeping curse? How did everyone wake up? And Henry WAS put under a sleeping curse/spell back in Season 2!

--I do like Snow's forest outfit and Emma's new red coat.

--Hook...back the heck off. Emma is allowed to have a male friend. (twitch)

--August was the rare exception to Emma not being able to make friends. Who is Neal again?




 

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (4x15)

Hook's tiny ship is totally a metaphor for his penis. Okay, now that I've said that and potentially 90% of my readers are plotting my death, I will admit something that will shock many: I did not hate this episode. In fact, there were parts of it that I found quite endearing and funny. The writers putting Ursula, the Sea Witch, into the shoes--fins?--of Disney's Ariel and making her the tragic little mermaid was a fun twist, especially since they went the extra step and really played with the iconic music and lines from 'The Little Mermaid.' In spite of the fact that this weeks episode, 'Poor Unfortunate Soul,' was equally a Hook-centric episode, I found myself laughing (both in genuine humor and in derision because there was still some horribly contrived nonsense this week) and smiling a little bit more than is my norm when it comes to this show. I think, to be honest, something I enjoyed was the idea the writers presented that happy endings do not need to be kisses and romance and true love with another individual. It was something they actually used to treat with respect back when Red was still around and her obvious happily ever after was inner peace by loving both the human and the wolf side of herself. The fact that Ursula's happy ending is her voice--a voice that she can use to make other people happy to honor her dead mother--is a good message, one I can applaud, and one that felt more like OUAT of Season One. But, because I'm still me, I do admit to a certain amount of eye rolling with the presentation of Hook the Hero in the past (because no) and how once again Hook gets everything he ever wanted without having to make any kind of concessions. Grab your fins and your best penis metaphors and let's dive in!

Sing For Your Mouse

Raise a tentacle if you're surprised that Ursula only has one parent. I know, I know. We're talking about fairy tales and that means that you are either short one parent, have a wicked step- parent, or are an orphan. Them's the breaks, kid. Ursula has an enchanting singing voice (and side note, applause to the actress who gave Young Ursula her voice. It was lovely) but her father King Poseidon uses her voice to lure pirates to their deaths on the shoals because he's an ass. Or because pirates killed his wife; we can go with either one here. Ursula is quite tired of this and ends up running (swimming?) away to live on land and make her way to another place where she can use her voice to make people happy. She does this by singing in bars to a lot of scummy, haven't-had-sex-in-weeks pirates who do not take this opportunity to molest or harass her at all. Because that is actually how the world would work if this weren't a "family show" (now with penis metaphors!). Yes, I know that OUAT wouldn't dare show actual sexual harassment (they prefer to keep it in the shadows and make it out to be sexy and part of their wish fulfillment) but it is a bit laughable that Ursula really thought she could earn enough gold by singing 'Fathoms Below' over and over. Anyway, moving on from the fantastical and into the even more fantastical: Ursula meets Hook in the bar (because the red vested one handed wonder is an alcoholic who needs Enchanted Forest Anonymous) and we get a real look at who Hook was for those long centuries while he transported cakes to Peter Pan in Neverland. Wait. The hell? Where do I begin with this particular silliness?

First off, Peter Pan wants cakes? Okay. So we are ignoring that in Neverland you can dream up anything you want, including food (or we're making up our own headcanons that allows us to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of our minds that once again the writers think I have amnesia. Hint: I do not!) Two, Hook was nothing more than an errand boy delivering food? That was the "dirty work?" This is what really bothers me. Hook was a villain. I mean a straight up, cold blooded, sly, sneering, I-Beat-Women villain. He was a villain in the present day when present day meant season two when he left Emma and Team Princess to DIE in jail; he was a villain when he beat an innocent woman simply because she--Belle--wouldn't help him kill the love of her life; he was a villain when he got woman drunk and took them back to his boat. And before then, Hook was some rogue pirate who pillaged and plundered and drank his way across realms. But, oh no. That won't work for where the show now stands with Hook. The writers are determined to cast him as Hook the Hero at all times, even if that means making him a heroic type 200+ years ago. Instead of using Ursula for his own agenda like Pirate! Hook or Villain! Hook would have done, he gets all Woobie and Puppy Dog-eyed and starts prattling on about the woman he loved who was snatched from him and how Ursula's voice stops his pain (so does the rum, but alcoholics tend not to admit that out loud). Once I managed to pick myself up off the floor that Hook had mentioned Milah (well, not mention her so much as give a vague statement about a woman he done loved and lost--banjos, this scene needs banjos!) I tuned out the sappy sad eyes and instead focused on what I hoped would be a soul-crushing reveal. Had Hook turned Ursula into a monster? Had Hook killed her father? Had Hook stolen her literal soul? Had Hook done anything that would show us his true black-hearted colors?!

No. No of course not. Instead, Hook and Ursula are both presented as victims of Poseidon and that Hook had "no choice" because poor sad Hook. Look how sad! Ok, I know I sound overly harsh but the fact is that in spite of the Hook mess, and it feeling like the writers were still trying to force Hook into a hero mold instead of acknowledging that he was once a straight up villain, the flashbacks were good. The CGI was better than most episodes, the acting was good and less hammy than last week. There is still a lot of plot that happens rapid fire fast and always revolves around some magical plot device--a conch shell, a jar of squid ink (nice call back to season two, by the way-- but at least I wasn't gritting my teeth and bearing through. Ursula's devastation at losing her voice was palpable and my insides hurt for a little girl who wanted nothing more than to bring joy to the world (way to go, Hook!) but like I said above, a lot of that was underscored by Hook's own man pain, something about which I give exactly zero...well, fill in the best curse word here. But let's not end on a negative: this episode did try to bridge some divides about continuity, like why our present (drag) Queen of Darkness Ursula was not the sea fearing goddess we saw in season 3A.

PiratePus

HAHAHA! Tiny ship! It's totally a metaphor for Hook's penis! HAHAHA. Oh, you think I'm kidding? The show actually inserted their own penis joke while Will and Hook bantered about how you should never insult the size of a pirate's ship (read: penis). Oh, OUAT...Dr. Freud called. He thinks you need to talk about your penis envy and mommy issues. So why is Hook's ship tiny and inside a bottle? Because the writers need to kill time. Oh did you mean the in-show reason? I don't know. Something about Elsa and Blackbeard and Ariel. Because OUAT needs to remind everyone that they've almost run the whole board of Disney films and have had more characters on their show that a show should naturally have. Let's be honest: the writers knew they'd catch hell if they had an episode about Ursula but didn't have any mention of their version of Ariel. So, they put her inside a bottle, made her a plot device who now doubles as a carrier pigeon. Points deducted for not having Ursula and Ariel interact, though. What was going on in present day Storybrooke? A lot of nothing, says I! Torture, mayhem, back door deals, pirate oaths being broken the day after they are made (seriously, Belle?), gun waving, and smoke inhalation. I'm getting rather negative again and I did say at the outset that I liked this episode, but that's because of tiny moments. That's what is left for me now, after four years. I enjoy moments, almost never total episodes. So let's focus on the tiny moments that made me smile.

First and foremost, I could watch Ursula tentacle bitch slap and throw Hook into the sea forever and never be bored. Second, Snow White clocking Cruella with a frying pan is now my favorite moment in all of season four. That felt like Bandit! Snow made a return. You remember her, right? The tough, live by the seat of your pants, awesome and rogue bandit named Snow who flouted the Queen's guards and stole from her? Snow White hasn't felt like Snow White in a long time, but that moment was actually quite in character and I loved it. Third, let's keep Cruella. Let's just keep her so she can make sexual innuendos and be deliciously snarky. And, finally, a moment that actually had me smiling and wanting to express an emotion more than anger: August and Emma reunited. This had been a long time coming; they haven't seen each other since August lay in his bed, turning to wood as Emma's walls fell and she realized she was the Savior and it really was her job to bring back the happy endings. Since then, a lot of us have been waiting for them to see each other again and this all too brief moment reminded me of how much I used to like them together as brother and sister (no, I never shipped WoodenSwan. I was a SwanFire from the moment I put the pieces together in S1). August and Emma were a team, a good one at that. I really hope the writers don't cheat us out of a long, meaty conversation between these two (and if they don't mention Neal I will literally flip tables).

And finally, we arrive back to this weeks centric character. Was Ursula getting her happy ending too soon in this arc? It feels quite sudden. I'm glad that she's not going to be a (drag) Queen of Darkness anymore but it was a bit shocking that it happened that fast. And, to be frank, it reads like the writers dismissed her (just when I started to care about her) in order to squeeze Regina into her spot in the (drag) Queens of Darkness trio of leather and bad lines. What happens to Ursula now? Is she gone for good? Is she moving over to #TeamHero? Ursula never got the treatment she so rightfully deserved, especially when it turns out that her happy ending and her story are intriguing and somewhat riveting. She was chopped liver to Regina's Filet Mignon, in other words. The writers enjoy when they get to make Regina the Evil Queen so they made sure they put her with the (drag) Queens of Darkness as soon as they could, but having four female villain AND Rumple really is too much. So out goes Ursula! At least the writers didn't kill her?

Oh. And the author is trapped inside the book. Because of course. 

Miscellaneous Notes on Poor Unfortunate Soul

--Regina inside Snow was one of the freakiest and most bizarre things I have ever seen on this show. And not in a good way.

--August's nose grew and grew. #PenisMetaphor

--Ok, one final Hook-rant. The pirate tells Ursula that if he had something left of Milah's (he'd hold on to it) just like she wants to hold on to her voice. Oh, really Hook? You mean...like BAELFIRE. The son of Milah whom you SOLD to Peter Pan!! This line almost made me turn off my TV.

--The OQ dream sequence was utterly unnecessary.

--How does August know that the Author is in the book? Did the book speak to him?

--How do you free the Author from the book? Do you burn it? Is there magic non-squid Ink? And how did he get trapped? The Sorcerer? Also, calling it now: they've set up the idea of people being trapped inside the book; I think the season will end on a cliffhanger in which the characters are literally trapped inside the book and we are shown who the Sorcerer is (it's Jafar).

--Why is Will on this show as a regular at this point? And COME ON. WHERE IS ANA?!

--Belle learned that Rumple manipulated and deceived her once again. If she goes back to him now, I am writing her off as a ninny.