In Which I Review Once Upon A Time in Wonderland (1x5)

Show creators Adam Horowitz and Eddy Kitsis love their parallels. Often, on ONCE proper and even on Wonderland, the events of the past are played out again in the present and we see how the choices of the characters either match their past actions or differ, thus allowing us inside the characters head for a span of time. It's a perfectly acceptable way of writing and most of the time it's highly enjoyable. What is less enjoyable are remixes of past successful episodes that are watered down and replicated for new characters. This weeks episode of Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, "Heart of Stone," took two episodes from ONCE proper and mashed them together to give the Red Queen a backstory. The two ONCE proper episodes in question have to do with the other two evil queens, Regina and Cora; 1x18 "Stable Boy" in which a mother disapproves of her daughter's choice of love because she had hoped that her daughter would move up in society and 2x16 "The Miller's Daughter" in which a poor peasant with lofty notions if offered a crown if she gives up someone she loves. What this episode did not to do was endear the Red Queen to me; in fact, I'd really like it if she doesn't get a happy ending. 

Mommy Dearest (and other adventures)

Turns out Ana's mother does not approve of Will Scarlett; he is poor, common and a thief. Ana's mother wanted so much more for her daughter; she expected Ana to become a queen or at the very least marry a nobleman.  Raise your hand if you expected Mommy Dearest to rip out Will's heart and declare that Ana's life wasn't her own. They should have been in a stable with horses while Snow White slumbered in the great house. The point I'm making here, is that this whole scene and scenario was something straight out of "Stable Boy" in ONCE. Ana declares that all she needs in life is Will; the Beatles will take their royalty check now, thank you very much. Ana's mother watches as Ana and Will jump through a portal to Wonderland, wide-eyed and dreamy. Another note on Ana's mother: she looks a lot like Lady Tremaine from Disney's "Cinderella" does she not? There is a pretty popular theory that Ana is one of Cinderella's step sisters, one of whom is traditionally named Anastasia, and in "Cinderella 2" runs off with a bread baker named Will despite her mother's reservations. It wouldn't surprise me in the least except that the timeline of the whole events is massively screwed up. We saw the Step Sisters in ONCE 104, "Price of Gold," which was well after the events of this episode. (I sound crazed, don't I?) It's probably not overly important at any rate. If ABC does let ONCEWL play out for the full season then these little matters are annoying only if you're an obsessed fan.

 Life in Wonderland is--shock--hard! Despite what young lovers often think, you need more than love to survive. You need food and clothing and money and shelter. You can't just wander hither and thither expecting that life will be simply grand because you have each other. This is a lesson Ana is learning the hard way. An idea strikes Ana when the love duo see a passing cart of bread: let's go to the ball! Ana and Will could sneak in, steal break to eat, and get away without anyone being any the wiser. After all, they were thieves at one point, so it shouldn't be too hard. Part of me wonder if this is what would have happened had Regina and Daniel run off together. Would Regina eventually miss her old life of comfort and begin to make Daniel do unethical things to provide for her? So Ana and Will pinch some dresses and apparently some hair product and some makeup and head off to a ball at the King's palace.

The life presented in the palace is in stark contrast to the life Ana has been living outside the palace. Here she is beautiful and coiffed and well dressed. There she is run down and hungry. The king obviously approves of her. It's a pretty standard story: peasant girl gets dressed up for a ball, attracts the attention of the king, and suddenly her life will change. But given that Ana is still in love with Will, she needs to distance herself from him first. They are caught trying to steal bread and the woman from whom Ana stole her gown recognizes it and the pair are tossed from the palace. Very Miller's Daughter. I half expected Ana to say that she could spin straw into gold. Ana continues to mope and lament their life and it's all very annoying. Honestly, I don't know why I have no sympathy for her. Maybe I'm supposed to, but most of my sympathy lies with Will who lost his girl in a matter of seconds. Ana comes up with the plan to break into the King's castle and steal the jewels so that they can sell them and live off the riches. Man, is this a bad plan. And worse, Will doesn't want to do it at all but for the love he bears Ana, he will. So they break in and I bet you can guess what happens next: Ana gets caught by the King; the King offers up riches and comfort by making an offer of marriage; Ana accepts and literally in five second is crowned and dressed as a Queen while Will watches from below the castle.

And that's how Ana became the Red Queen. Except she was always the Red Queen to an extent. She was never, so far as we can tell, honestly happy living in poverty. Even when her mother came to take her away, you can see that Ana hesitates, not sure if she honestly wants a life with Will and the hardships it will bring. I don't doubt that she loves Will; I doubt the conviction of those feelings. Again the similarity to Cora: love is weakness. Ana could be with Will (Cora could have been with Rumple) but it meant a life of hardship and sacrifice. If they don't bring Cora back soon, I'll be very disappointed given how close their stories are.

Let's Make a Deal

First, how cute is Alice draping StoneWill in a blanket to keep the rain off of him? Seriously, ONCEWL, if you want me to ship Alice and Cyrus then you need to stop making Alice and Will so adorable. It doesn't help that, apart from the odd flashback, Cyrus has been in a cage for 5 episodes now. The chemistry between Alice and Cyrus isn't quite what it needs to be; but the chemistry between Will and Alice is spectacular. But since Alice and Cyrus are obviously True Love, I suppose I need to get over it. Anyway, the Red Queen shows up with a deal for Alice: come with me to get some magic dust and I'll tell you where your genie is because Jafar's palace is cloaked in magic and you'll never find it without me. Looks like Alice has no choice and so the two team up together. This is really the first interaction between Alice and the Red Queen thus far and it felt...underwhelming. Maybe it's because how the Red Queen presents herself: her dialect, her mannerisms, ect all feel forced and frankly after 5 episodes very annoying. Her "darlings" now grate on my every nerve. Alice is sweet and I enjoy her but the two together don't do it for me. Alice and Jafar, now that was scary.

The Red Queen takes Alice to the Great Divide which I'm sure is symbolic and stuff but frankly I can't be bothered to pick apart the symbolism because it was deadly boring and odd. There is a riddle that only the person who is true of heart can cross the divide and of course that means Alice. By believing in the power of her love with Cyrus she crosses halfway before falling, as she was meant to. And there she meets Zombie Alice. This was freaky and weird and was altogether unnecessary. What exactly was the purpose of the magic dust becoming a zombie version of Young Alice and demanding that Big Alice kill the Red Queen? We all know Alice won't do it. That's why she has the pure heart, we get it. But there's young Zombie Alice, with dark hair and freaky eyes. And then she's not there and a pile of dust remains. Okay then. And in a surprise to no one, the Red Queen betrays Alice and refuses to tell her where Cyrus is; but in another non-surprise, Alice has kept part of the dust for herself and uses it to uncover Jafar's castle. Of course, the twist is that Cyrus has escaped and is now off to find Alice. Will they actually find each other? I hope so. They need to really sell me Cyrus and Alice.

Miscellaneous Notes from Heart of Stone

--I really love the White Rabbit. He is obviously working for the Red Queen because his family is being held hostage and then he tries to keep Jafar from learning anything about Alice by telling him trivialities. I was *so* angry when Jafar cut off the Bunny's foot. (I have a pet rabbit. It was personal). While I'm glad Jafar put the foot back, I still worry about the Bunny. Where is the Bunny taking Jafar? My guess is London to steal Alice's father. But I bet my Bunny will do something heroic again. Last night, he let Cyrus escape. He's a hero in a hat.

--The other prisoner in the cage next to Cyrus is most likely the Sultan and I was impressed that he stayed behind to allow Cyrus to escape. He doesn't sound like the kind of man who would give up his son. Jafar probably doesn't know the whole story.

--Speaking of Cyrus's escape...when he was hanging on to the walkway ledge, I remember wanting him to yell, "Fly, you fools!" (Nerd jokes!)

--Not nearly enough Will this episode. More Will please.

In Which I Review Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (1x7)

This show is about teamwork. Is that clear to everyone? Have they beat that into your head enough? Cause it's super important that you understand that this is a team. A team-y team. Alright, I'm be facetious but the point remains: this show is beating a dead horse. This weeks episode of Agents of SHIELD, "The Hub," harped on the idea of "trusting the system" and putting your faith in the order a well oiled machine can bring--unless your own personal team is in danger and then screw the system because gosh darnit, this is *your* team and they matter more than any system. Someone is going to have to explain to me why this was an episode of SHIELD. This show is predicated on superheroes and villains, so why am I watching an episode that would fit better with an international spy show? It was as if the writers pulled two character names out of a hat and then pulled a classic spy situation from a James Bond film and went "ah ha! Story!" No! There was nothing SHIELD worthy of this episode, until the end. It is very possible that after this first season, SHIELD and I will be parting ways. Maybe if they kill Skye, I'll stick around. 

 The show opens with Coulson and his team rescuing another agent from being deep undercover. Never mind what this agent was doing or who he is; it will never be expanded upon. Let's just call him Agent Man. Agent Man has a thing up his nose that is disgustingly pulled out. And no, it doesn't matter what this nose thing is. What matters is where the nose thing is going: The Hub. Ooooh. Secretive name for secretive base. Cliches are cliche. Seriously, if you're a secretive government agency, why are you naming your base of operations something so painfully obvious? You might as well name it, "The Place Where All Our Secrets Are Stored. Terrorism Welcome!" Our team of cardboard cutouts and Coulson (and May) go to the Hub where only those with Level 7 or 8 (there's a level 8?) access are invited into a meeting with Agent Lady. I have no idea what her name is and frankly don't care. She has a red streak in her hair but is wearing super business clothing and "take me serious" glasses. I shall refer to her as Agent Lady or Red Streak Lady.

There is a quick info-dump that went by at lightening speed but you can pretty much pick up any James Bond book/movie that deals with the USSR and get the general idea. Insurgents. Big Bad Weapon. Stupid name for Big Bad Weapon (Overkill Device) to really drive home just how Big Bad the Big Bad Weapon is. No, the weapon isn't alien. No, the insurgents are part of Centipede. No, there are no superheroes in this episode. And apparently the CIA isn't a thing in the SHIELD universe. And because cliches are cliche, SHIELD must send in two team members: the brain and the brawn. So overly trope-tastic. This always happens when you have a dangerous mission. You send in one guy who has the military expertise (Ward) who is going to perform the action fighting and at the same time you send in the super genius (Fitz? That's the guy right?) whose job it is to do all the high tech brainy stuff. And along the way the two discover that they have more in common than you might think and that despite all the odds, they work well together and their two skills help each other and oh grab a hanky cause I can already hear the orchestra tuning up to have a stirring musical piece play in the background as the two team members declare that they aren't leaving the other behind! Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to. Ok, yes I do, but this show needs to be scrapped and try again.

Where was I? Right. Plot! While Ward and Fitz are doing the brain/brawn thing, Skye is being Skye. Seriously, girl. I get it. You had a rough life and I'm supposed to feel sorry for you. Do you know what prevents me from feeling bad for you? The fact that you're an idiot. You've been invited into a top secret government agency and still you act like a spoiled petulant child despite that this super secret government agency keeps giving you second chances. They should have dumped you out of the plane already! So what do you do this week? Break into the secret government organization's computer? SURE! But what's even more horrendous is the excuse you give for the hacking: I was helping my team! No, you weren't. You had an alternate agenda. So Skye's whole mission is to find out what happened to her parents. She knows they are involved in SHIELD somehow but all the documents have been covered up. So once she manages to get access to the super secret computers, which not only involved not trusting in the system but also corrupting her fellow teammate Simmons to be a bad girl and break the rules, the first thing Skye does is not go look for information about her friends but information about her parents. Her friends, Ward and Fitz who have been her excuse and how she emotionally manipulated Simmons into helping, are not Skye's first concern. With only seconds left, Skye goes to get their information, but only after she's dealt with her own private affairs. And to add insult to injury, Skye does all this after Coulson has implored her to leave well enough alone, let the system handle it. Coulson, you're better than this. Drop her already.

Meanwhile Ward and Fitz have, I don't know, broken into some sort of facility with relative ease. And there is the Big Bad Weapon. I have no idea what it does. Something really horrible that will destroy SHIELD's weapons or something. Fitz and Ward must work together (a theme!) to take apart the weapon. At this point, Ward informs Fitz that there is no extraction team in place. They are on their own. No idea why. That's never explained. But it is the one thing Skye learns from her hacking. And it freaks the team out. Cause you know, this is a team! And the team must stick together! You can't leave Brain/Brawn in some foreign country with insurgents on their tail. That's just not very team like, now is it? So, our SHIELD team decides to take matters into their own hands and goes to rescue Ward and Fitz, which they do in remarkable time. Seriously, I know the ever-flying plane is super powerful but can you really get to "former Russian satellite" country that fast? Whatever. The plane swoops in and saves the Brain/Brawn duo. Huzzah! And then, to further the idea of being a team, Skye doesn't get in trouble for her hacking, instead she gets what she wants. Coulson reveals a small part of Skye's past: a SHIELD agent dropped her off at the orphanage at a young age but they don't know if this was her mother or not. But he won't stop looking, he is going to help Skye. WHY?! She's done nothing but be a burden to you and your team. She doesn't follow rules, she lies, she deceives and she ultimately cares more about herself than any of you.

Miscellaneous Notes on "The Hub"

--Maybe my shortest review ever? I can't with this show right now.

--Fitz and Simmons need to get over whatever hang ups they are holding on to and just be together already. It's painfully obvious.

--I will admit to laughing at some of the spy situations. "We're being tracked by dogs and you brought a prosciutto sandwich?" (with buffalo mozzarella cheese)

--The only interesting part of this episode came at the end with two scenes. First, May and Coulson know more than they are letting on about Skye's past but some secrets must be kept. Not very team worthy, guys. And second, Coulson is finally trying to look into what happened to him in "Tahiti" but has been denied access, despite him being level 8. This is what SHIELD should be focusing on. Coulson is really why everyone is watching still. Give us more of him!

In Which I Review Sleepy Hollow (1x7)

"Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year. He said to his friend, "If the British march
By land or sea from the town to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch
Of the North Church tower as a signal light,--
One if by land, and two if by sea;"
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Paul Revere's Ride"
 
If last week's episode of Sleepy Hollow was a massive info-dump, then this week was an attempt to find some sort of middle ground: give out a ton of information but also have quiet in-between moments that were full of character instead of plot. We didn't really need several scenes of Captain Irving and Abbie trying to explain Thomas Jefferson's affair with Sally Hemings to Ichabod, but it was fun to watch. This weeks episode of Sleepy Hollow, "The Midnight Ride," is a strange one (aren't they all) because there really was no theme with which to work. They sampled a few things here and there: knowledge, fear of the unknown, and even some political points about paying for items that should be "free" like water. Overall, the episode was trying to get the plot from point A (the dissolution of Ichabod and the Headless Horseman) to point B (the capturing of the Horseman by the Two Witnesses). This episode is simply the path between the points. Because of that, expect this review to be brief. 

 
Apparently Paul Revere was almost axed down during his now famous midnight ride. These are things you don't find in history books. The episode opens with word that the "Regulars" are coming (the British) and then moves to find Revere and his gang being chased down by the still headed Horseman, slicing through Revere's companions in an attempt to get to Paul himself. We'll get to why in a bit, but the episode was basically a chess game between Ichabod/Abbie and the Horseman. One of them makes a move and the other retaliates. Move one came last week when Ichabod managed to break his connection with the Headless Horseman with the help of the Sin Eater. The Horseman, sensing that his connection to Crane is gone, decides to take his revenge out on the Masons. There is a bit of a leap that somehow the Horseman knew the Masons were involved; I know Ichabod said that for 500 years the Masons have been engaged in a war against evil and therefore I guess I'm supposed to assume that the Horseman sees them as his natural enemy. But how does the Headless Horseman know where to go? For that matter, how does a Headless Horseman see well enough to cut off the heads of four Mason brothers and then later string them up as creepy Head-o-lanters?

Where was I? Oh, right. Suspend, Jacquelyn, suspend! Anyway, the Horseman chops off several heads but manages to get away before Abbie and Ichabod can get to the Mason home. Captain Iriving shows up and does his typical song and dance about how he can't have these two out looking for a headless horseman because it's so implausible and instead they should treat these murders as ritual killings. The Captain keeps doing this which is why I've suspected him in the past of being in league with Katrina and working for the Dark Coven, but thankfully this week, he eventually snapped out of it once he was being gunned down by a Headless Man in colonial dress. Ichabod and Abbie realize that the Horseman is after his head, which is still being analyzed at a lab. The Captain draws the line at destroying evidence in a murder case but does agree to go down to the lab and check on it. And the Horseman follows him? No really, how did the Horseman know where the head was and where the Captain was going? Surviving his shootout with the Horseman, Captain Irving is now a believer and agrees to help Ichabod and Abbie stop the Horseman. Meanwhile, Abbie and Ichabod have discovered that a mysterious book probably has a great many answers but the pages have been torn out (naturally). The pages are part of a document written in code that tells how to trap death using a witch who can move the moon and make it daytime because daylight is the Horseman's only weakness.

Ok then. Sure, why not. Back to Paul Revere. The document in code was given to Revere and that's why the Horseman was chasing him. The document today is in a museum but luckily it was uploaded to the internet for all to view. Ah, 21st century living. With me so far? Headless Horseman wants head in order to bring about the end of day because once reunited, Death can join up with the rest of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse; the head is now in the possession of Ichabod and Abbie who devise a cunning plan to trap death using fake sunlight, an idea they got from a manuscript written in code and given to Paul Revere before his midnight ride. Really, it's perfectly logical. This show will never take itself seriously, which is part of its charm. It's mythology is convoluted and confusing and frankly downright stupid, but it works because the show isn't trying to sell me a legitimate piece of art as thought provoking. It is selling me nonsense with a side of cute Ichabbie moments. One more little plot point: Sulu Andy Brooks made a return. Do you remember him? The guy who was working for Death and then got his head snapped. He basically stalked Abbie this episode, warding off people who tried to get close to her like her ex Luke Moralas. He gave a lot of cryptic warnings and then would vanish into the great unknown.

Eventually, they get the Horseman to the cemetery and there is a little chase scene where Abbie and Ichabod try to outsmart the Horseman with fake heads. And then Ichabod and Abbie lead the Headless Horseman into a trap using the oldest play in the book: pretend to be hurt so the monster comes to you, but then manage to trap him. The Headless Horseman is now trapped by the fake ultraviolet lights and chains (yes, you should think this is hysterical) and it's time to begin the inquisition. So why did this episode work? Well to be sure, not because of the plot. It was the adorable moments that made this episode worth watching. Ichabod going on and on about how water shouldn't be priced and wanting to know how the courts settled the great water debate. It was Abbie listening to all this with a straight face and then telling Ichabod he could drink the water from the taps if he wanted free arsenic too, much to Ichabod's horror. It was the trip to the museum of colonial history where Ichabod decided to do a rant about how everything was wrong. It was Ichabod trying to make a computer work and discovering gun websites and porn. Ichabod and Abbie have an undeniable chemistry that is just plain entertaining to watch and the writers know it. Did we really need a gag about Ichabod slurping through a straw? No of course not. But it was funny to watch. And that's really all Sleepy Hollow is trying to be: fun.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Midnight Ride 

--"You cannot kill death but you can trap him." I can't even take that seriously. However, watching Ichabod and Abbie come up with ways to destroy Death's skull was highly amusing: hammers, acid, TNT, ect

--"I have good news. The manuscript is online."
(deadpan) "That is excellent news"
"You have no idea what that means, do you?"

--Ichabod discovering online porn. Poor man.

--"All we really get is one another." Ichabbie is adorable.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (3x7)

Filler, on TV, is defined as an episode that does little to nothing to advance the overall plot or continue the characters emotional development. When you have to write 22 episodes a season, chances are that will have the occasional filler episode that falls a little flat. I'm not sure if I'd classify this weeks episode of Once Upon A Time, "Dark Hollow," as filler per se, but to be sure it wasn't as good as last week's "Ariel." The main problem seems to be that we are more or less going in circles. Every effort to #SaveHenry ends up taking another tangent--we must find Tinkerbell; we must find Bae's cave; we must #SaveCharming; we must #SaveNeal; and now we must capture a magical flying shadow and trap it in a coconut. (wow does that sound weird). While this does advance the plot to eventually get out of Neverland, the main focus was not the actual capturing of the shadow but instead on the increasingly weary love triangle of CaptainSwanFire. So my take on the Neverland events of this episode are less than pleasing; however, I did enjoy the Storybrooke aspects, if only because it gave us a chance to get out of the dark, back into the light, and my one true pairing (OTP) had a small little reunion. 

BeautyFish

First, how great is it to see my two favorite Disney Princesses on screen together? I am five years old at heart and this is basically a dream come true. Belle needs a friend; she has never really integrated into the Storybrooke Family. She's the odd girl out in a lot of ways--she's the true love of the Dark One, a man who spent 300 years terrorizing most of the inhabitants in an effort to get his Curse cast and find his son. She is the only person who not only understands Rumple, but loves him through and through. Belle has never had much screen time with any of the other cast members because her story is really a reflection of Rumple. It's a big complaint of the fandom who love her and love her for more than just Rumbelle. So for Belle to now have a friend is a nice development and the fact that it's Ariel is just epic. We start this episode in the past, our only flashback for the episode. Because these writers HATE me, apparently, they made me watch Rumple leave Belle on the docks again. Because I didn't scream and cry for a week after it happened in May. (yes, I totally did. Don't judge me. This couple has me under their spell). Rumple has left Belle with a protection spell; he trusts only her to cast the spell and ensure that Storybrooke is safe from other members of the Home Office who are coming.

Belle's confidence is shaken. She tries so hard to be a hero and it never seems to go quite right. Of course, this is largely not her fault. Belle has a nasty habit of being captured, tied up, held prisoner, or shot by errant pirates. And now, Belle has had to watch the love of her life sail away, leaving her behind, claiming that he is going to his death. Poor girl can't catch a break. Let's not forget, it was only moments ago that she even got her memories back from being Racy Lacey. So when it comes time to put up the barrier spell, she is nervous about being able to perform the task. Thankfully, Sneaky Fairy is there to tell her to just believe. So Sneaky Fairy, what is going on inside your head right now? Are you worried? Are you happy? Are you going to become some sort of tyrannical overlord, demanding that the residents of Storybrooke pay you homage? However, cast the spell Belle does. Did you catch the obvious "Under the Dome" reference? It wasn't subtle. So long as Max No-Last-Name doesn't suddenly appear in the middle of the street demanding that Belle and Ariel fight to the death for a candy bar, I'll leave the reference alone.

However, Belle's hesitation allows two mysterious men in a shiny red car to pass over the line and into Storybrooke. I've known for sometime that these two men were coming and I've long suspected that they were the Darling Brothers, John and Michael. One is wearing glasses, the other has a teddy bear keychain swinging from this rear view mirror. My other theory is that these two men are responsible for getting Little Henry to Storybrooke 11 years go. After Emma gave birth, the baby had to be stolen away into the night and taken to a town that doesn't exist. This was all part of Pan's plan; he had to make sure Henry would grow up in Storybrooke, eventually seek out Emma, who would break the Curse thereby allowing his minions to get into town and take Henry. Their current mission? Find out why Ariel is in Storybrooke and make sure that whatever object Rumple wants never makes it back to Neverland. We'll talk more about their motivations in a second.

Rumple gives Ariel a sand dollar to present to Belle. I have been waiting for a Rumbelle reunion for months. MONTHS, ok? Vision!Belle was great the first time around but then Pan had to go and ruin it by having his shadow impersonate Belle and after that, all I wanted was a real reunion. Well, this is as close as we were going to get until the Jolly Roger gang sails back into town. The sand dollar contains a message from Rumple (sigh) in which he tells Belle that he has found another way to defeat Pan without dying in the process (sigh) but he needs an object from his shop; this object is hidden away and Belle will only find it with the power of their love (I died). There was no question about what this meant, really. Rumbelle have an actual tangible metaphorical symbolic object: Chip. Chip is a little tea cup who has survived just about everything that has been thrown at it: being dropped by Belle, almost being smashed by Rumple, being captured by Moe at Regina's suggestion, actually being smashed by Amnesiac!Belle, and then finally healed and cured by Rumple. It is very much tied to the overall Rumbelle story, as Belle puts it: "no matter how much its been through, it survived. Just like our love." (it was at this point during my rewatch that I started crying). The cup leads Belle to a secret trap door in the shop where Rumple has hidden a very interesting little object: Pandora's box.

While I have high hopes that the magical object in question will play a vital role in the arc, this is where ONCE always has problems: too many magical objects that are only useful for an episode or two and then are never expanded upon. We will probably never learn more about the Pegasus sail or sextant of "Good Form." We will never see the magical compass of Season 2 ever again. I hope Pandora's box isn't given the same treatment. So, Pandora then. This is a pretty common myth, one that most people learn in grade school. Pandora, was gifted with curiosity by the gods (Zeus knew what was going to happen but Zeus being Zeus...) and was also given a box (actually it was a jar, but let's leave the Greek vocab lessons at home) and told not to open it. Of course she did and evil spilled out, but Pandora shut the lid on the box/jar before Hope could escape. What does our box hold? It's a good question and a bit confusing. Belle says that according to legend it held the world's darkest evil, but if it's Pandora's box then hasn't it already been opened? Meaning that the only thing left inside is hope. Why does Rumple want a box of hope? Will the hope restore light to Neverland? Will it "cure" Pan? Of course at this point Glasses and Keychain decide to show up and tie Belle and Ariel up and steal the box. These two are not like Greg and Tamara of before: they know who they are working for, Peter Pan. They are not merely lackies. They take the box, intent on destroying it. Belle and Ariel break free and go after them and we learn why the two men are doing all this: Pan has their sister. For over a century, Pan has been holding Wendy Darling captive and has forced John and Michael into service. If they can prevent Rumple from killing Pan then Peter will let their sister go. But Belle, being Belle, manages to convince the brothers to join their side with the promise that Rumple will save Wendy. The box is sent back to Neverland with Ariel. Regina re-enchants Ariel's bracelet so that she can have legs whenever she wants; before Ariel can swim back to Storybrooke and find her Prince, Rumple gives Ariel one final message: "tell Belle I love her and that I will see her again." Dear readers, you really don't want to know what this did to me. Sufficient to say that there was a lot of hugging of random objects and crying. (I need help).

It's a Trap! 

It's good to know that the magic mirror conversation in "Good Form" between Henry and family actually helped Henry hold on to the hope and belief that his family was coming for him. He is now less open to Pan's suggestions, something Pan doesn't like and needs to rectify. Time to bring in the other person in the cage. This whole plan of Pan's to get Henry to do what he wants was overly contrived and I'm pretty disappointed that Henry fell for it. Of course he'd want to help the person in the cage but he should have realized it was a trap all along. The boy has seen TV, I assume? Whenever the bad guy says loudly, "make sure (the good guy) doesn't follow you!" it's pretty obvious what is going on. But still Henry trails Felix through the woods; Felix, who is walking just slow enough, through a perfectly clear path, for Henry to follow. Seriously, kid. You're the son of two thieves and adopted son of the Evil Queen. All this following ends with the revelation of who was in the cage to begin with: was anyone surprised that it was Wendy "Bird" Darling? I've known for sure that it was her for sometime now but I'm guessing it wasn't too hard to put together.

Wendy Darling tells Henry that magic is leaving Neverland and it's killing her. For reasons. Honestly, I was just confused as to why a 13 yr old who has been kept in a cage this whole time wasn't looking worse for the wear. I love Freya Tingly, but she was far too clean, blonde and healthy looking. Unless Pan hasn't been keeping her in a box for 100 years? Henry of course will do whatever it takes to save the girl; it's part of who Henry is. He wants to be a hero, a warrior, someone out of this beloved stories. Also, he's 11. ELEVEN. If I see any serious HenWen shippers....ugh. However, I do think this scene effectively kills the Pandy ship. "Now, get back to your cage!" Oh my. Pan is an evil evil little boy. I was creeped out by his instance that Wendy stay in her cage. The fact that Wendy hasn't aged at all from her 13 yr old self makes me wonder if Wendy ever left Neverland. We know the Shadow can impersonate humans, so who is to say that when Wendy Darling came back home in Season 2 "Second Star to the Right" that it wasn't the Shadow playing a trick in order to get Baelfire to Neverland.

Dante's Forgotten Level of Hell: The Love Triangle 

Let's get the plot part out of the way because I want to talk about Hook and Neal's relationship and the 180 this show has done in a matter of two episodes. Neal's plan is to capture the shadow in a coconut. The shadow can take them home because it can fly. I really hope this isn't how they actually get home. It needs to be the Jolly Roger flying with pixie dust. The shadow lives in a place called Dark Hollow (sorry Emma, no "Sunshine Valley" or "Rainbow Cove"). This is the darkest place on the island, so dangerous that even Hook avoided it. Neal however went there as a boy to get out of Neverland. The trio of awkward, Neal, Hook and Emma, head out but only after Hook informs Neal that he and Emma had "a dalliance" and kissed. Of course this shakes Neal. Hook is the man with whom his mother ran off, leaving his father an even more broken man which eventually lead to Rumple becoming the Dark One and ect. Now the mother of his child and the woman he loves more than anything is kissing this leather clad pirate? Neal is trying to keep it together but these men are just not capable of doing that and a fight ensues. Of course it happens right when the shadow begin to swarm them. The level of testosterone of that fight was disgusting. They aren't fighting over who gets to light the coconut, they are fighting over Emma. "I must prove that I am the man for you by getting this candle lit!" And all it does is piss Emma off, cause the two men to be captured by shadows (and almost have their own shadows ripped off in the process) and then Emma has to light her own candle using the magic Regina taught her (do you hear that? That is the sound of the SwanQueen fandom dying happy death and convincing themselves that Emma and Regina are true love).

I was so proud of Emma reading both men the riot act after the manage to escape Dark Hollow, Pan's shadow trapped inside the coconut. All she cares about right now is Henry. He is all she can handle. I know it seems weird to the audience, but for Emma it has only been about 9 months since she even came to Storybrooke. Emma will choose Henry every time. The rest of this triangle nonsense doesn't mean anything right now because all Emma can handle is saving Henry. Speaking of choosing, let's talk CaptainFire and Hook's "declaration" that he will "win" Emma. I have a major problem with the way Hook has done a 180 in the past few episodes. For the first four episodes of the season, he was just in as much mourning for Nealfire as Emma was. This was a boy whom Hook wanted to raise, a boy he considered to be like a son to him. And now suddenly it is as if all that is water under the bridge and Neal is nothing more than a object in the way of his desire: Emma. It makes no sense given what we've seen in the first few episode and more to the point, all the interviews Colin (Hook) has given in regards to CaptainFire (trust me, I've read them all). Colin has been adamant that the reason CSF is so complicated is because Hook does love Nealfire as his son. And yet right now Hook is acting like a controlling ass and that Emma is a prize to be won.

I did not find his speech romantic at all. I found it possessive. Let's talk Hook's psychology for a second. The man has a bit of OCD. He becomes obsessed very easily. Now in many ways, this is keeping with Hook's original characterization in the novels where he is obsessed with killing Peter Pan and maintaining good form. The same can be said of our Hook; as a naval officer he was obsessed with good form in his men--proper dress and no drinking. Then he (very quickly) became a pirate where he was obsessed with being the best thieving pirate he could be, despite only a short time earlier being an incredibly clean cut gentleman. Then Milah came into and out of his life and his obsessive personality becomes even more clear. After Rumple killed Milah, Hook spent close to 300 years in Neverland plotting his revenge. Nothing else mattered, just finding a way to avenge Milah. He was obsessed with getting information about how to kill Rumple, even taking young Baelfire aboard and trying to get information out of him--of course, Hook wasn't counting of growing close to Bae. So his speech to Emma as the trio of awkward heads to the Dark Hollow is just another show of being a possessive obsessed pirate. He doesn't tell Emma that he loves her or that he's wants to have a shot with her; he declares that he WILL win her heart and that she MUST choose between him and Neal. I'm sorry but what? Emma is free to do whatever she wants. She can choose to love you or Neal or Regina or another man altogether. Hook believes that every woman must be dying of love for him; there is no question in his mind that he can win Emma because he's Hook, why wouldn't he be able to? I found it disturbing at best that Hook thinks he can just make proclamations like that and expect to get away with it. And then when Emma read the two boys the riot act and told them that Henry was her only focus, Neal apologized (twice) but Hook just sulked away looking miffed that Emma hadn't noticed how brave he had been. I am beginning to think that Hook doesn't actually care about saving Henry. To him, saving Henry is just the road to getting Emma. Neal has been apologizing again and again for what he did to Emma, but Hook has yet to say anything about the role he played in Henry getting kidnapped, or leaving everyone to die in Storybrooke. He is being whitewashed like crazy by the writers and I am only growing more resentful of it. And in the end, it is only Neal with whom Emma's interests align. Neal's, "let go save our son" is exactly on point with Emma. Neal had a bad moment in which all his childhood issues were brought to light with Hook's "yeah we kissed" moment but he can take a step back and realize that Henry is the only thing that matters. Hook, on the other hand, acts like a petulant child because he didn't get his way.

Miscellaneous Notes on Dark Hollow

--Snow and Charming finally had their first real fight. The fight felt very real, despite it being about magic. Of course Snow would stay with Charming in Neverland and he knows that but he doesn't want that for her. It wouldn't be fair of him to ask. "Love is sacrifice," Charming says. Ever the white knight, he is.

--Good to see Tinkerbell again. And no, there is no FireFairy ship. And why? Because Bae was 14 when they met and that's wrong. They are more than welcome to be friends but to link them romantically is just ew.

--I liked Regina's incredulous, "you (Rumple) really love her (Belle)." All this time, Regina has seen Rumple as just the Dark One, she's never been able to see behind the mask he wears. It surprises her that Rumple can love someone so deeply. And of course Rumple is spot on that Regina is jealous that she doesn't have someone. OutlawQueen: it's coming!

--Ariel was in Gold's shop and said, "look at this stuff." Oh the joy!

--And one more time, "tell Belle I love her and she was right. I will see her again." (I die)

In Which I Review Dracula (1x3)

We must not look at goblin men,
We must not buy their fruits:
Who knows upon what soil they fed
Their hungry, thirsty roots?
--Christina Rossetti 

Typically, I really enjoy when television pulls out literary illusions in titles. It means the episode will have an overarching theme or central motif that I can play with. For the poem "Goblin Merchant Men" those are temptation, seduction, and sisterly devotion. In this weeks episode of Dracula, "Goblin Merchant Men," those themes were highlighted in the smallest degree possible. It was as if the writer of this episode fancied himself a real English scholar with high minded, thought provoking ideas (and maybe in reality he is) but then got bogged down in just terrible writing. Nothing happened this episode. Well, ok that's not wholly accurate. Things happened: random plot points that weren't woven together with any sort of cohesion, bouncing from one scene to the next. But the whole story of this episode was full of holes, so instead of a traditional review, let's try something different. 

Action: The Order of the Dragon turns Vlad Tepes into a vampire

This Doesn't Make Sense Becuase: I have no idea why the Order turned Vlad Tepes into a vampire. Or how. The process of turning someone into a vampire isn't exactly set in stone, but there are a few commonalities: you must be bitten by a current vampire and almost drunk to death and then you must drink from your sire. After Vlad was turned, one of the monkish looking Order members (seriously, what's with the brown robes) comes and claims that Vlad is now condemned for denouncing God. I suppose that's a reason, if wholly historically inaccurate. But why not just kill Vlad if he has really been so anti-God? Why did you need to beat him bloody, force him to drink blood from a ram's head, and then slit his throat? There elements of the traditional vampire mythos here but twisted (much like most of this show). Does this make Vlad the only vampire in existence at this time? Is this the only way to become a vampire? And WHY is this the solution? Do the members of the Order not think that Vlad will try to get his revenge? Or did they sit back and say, "oh good show, chaps. We sure taught him a lesson. Now I'm sure he'll leave us alone and go about eternity as a creature of the night, damned forever. Do pass the tea." If I had been turned into a blood thirsty monster and had my whole family killed, I don't think I'd be content with just roaming the world either. Which is an inherent problem in this "interpretation" of Dracula. They've made him into a romantic hero. And does the Order not keep records? Because Grayson looks exactly like Vlad, so why is it that none of the Order has recognized him? "Oh, I say, that man with the fancy light bulbs trying to steal our coolant (giggle) looks a lot like that man our ancestors condemned long ago. Do you think it's a coincidence?"

Action: In an effort to make Mina forget about her breakup with Harker, Lucy takes her clubbing.

This Doesn't Make Sense Because: Are we still in Victorian London or did we jump to the twenty-first century? Because I'm fairly certain that well bred ladies of the upper class were not allowed to participate in the Bohemian culture at the twilight of the 1890s. Unmarried Victorian ladies were guarded like prized treasures. Their virtue was paramount; they had to be intact and without dishonor if they ever hoped to make a profitable marriage. If they left the house to pay calls, a chaperone went with them. So I have a very hard time imagining that Lucy and Mina are able to run around London, drinking, partying, taking Absinth, and coming home at all hours of the day without old ladies clutching their pearls and reaching for their smelling salts. The amount of freedom Mina has is just far too liberal to be plausible. Also, as a well bred lady and unmarried, Mina would not be living on her own. She'd be at home with her parents and servants. And she wold not receive gentleman callers on her front door step. Nor would she make out with them in the street and then dance with them. How improper! Oh and apparently Lucy is a lesbian. Where did that come from? Lucy is far too vixenous already but now she's lusting after her best friend. Again, the show is trying to be modern and shocking but for no reason outside of being shocking. Dracula hasn't even glanced at Lucy yet. He needs to start draining her, though Lord only know what this will do to Lucy's personality seeing as she is already acting like a wanton strumpet.

Action: The Order of the Dragon kills Lord L for siding with Grayson without a logical explanation

This Doesn't Make Sense Because: Is Scotland Yard not a thing? Cause the show did this whole show and dance about making sure you knew Lord L had a wife and a son before they sent him to die. The Order is not happy with Lord L; he has given over his shares of the Coolant (giggle) company to Grayson and made the American the sole shareholder. This is just not good news for the British men. I mean, think of their stock portfolios. The horror! Because Lord L does not have a good excuse for why he handed over this shares (he cannot tell his brothers that Dracula threatened to expose his secret life), he is ritually murdered. But now what? Does the Order cover it up? Do they kill his wife and child too so no one goes looking for him? And what a bizarre way to kill someone: "do you accept that you've done wrong and if yes will you let us put this sword through your heart?" It's obviously an old tradition (see record keeping, they have it! Now go realize that Grayon is the same man you turned into a vampire) but in the "modern" world where people don't just vanish without someone noticing, it makes no sense (a theme!)

Action: Dracula puts Harker and Mina back together

This Doesn't Make Sense Because: Do I even need to say it? Dracula spent the whole episode being creepy stalker man, watching Mina from the shadows, sending her flowers, and rescuing her from drunken Bohemian men only to push Harker to beg for forgiveness and then propose. I know these are pretty typical romantic hero traits, but he's DRACULA. Just turn her, dude. Instead he sits in his carriage at night, trying to fight the rising light, just to see her face when she receives his flowers and a note that I'm sure is supposed to mean something to their past but doesn't anymore. And then after he saves her from the Bohemian man (because a romantic hero can be a stalker too!) the pair have a conversation that amounts to absolute nothing. Except that Dracula decides to speak to Harker and tells him that he's a fool and a hypocrite for letting Mina go. I'm sure this has something to do with, "I love her too much to let her be without the man she loves" but (how many times can I say this?): you're DRACULA. Get over these bizarre non-Dracula morals and just turn her. Or hypnotize her and make her remember your past with her. Do something.

Miscellaneous Notes on Goblin Merchant Men 

--Harker's adventures as Dracula's new VP of Press (or something) involve going to lunches and drinking. And then tagging along with Renfield where the manservant is far better equipped to deal with the business.

--Van Helsing continues to try and find a cure for Dracula's sunlight affliction. Dracula longs to walk in the sun so he can more easily stalk Mina. Ok, Dracula didn't actually say that but come on, you know that's why he wants it. If Van Helsing is smart he'll keep putting Dracula off.

--Lady Jane cured the Seers of their affliction by...doing something. I honestly have no idea. But then Van Helsing showed up and smashed their heads in. Again, this makes no sense since Dracula can just mind warp them every time they try to see where he is.

--Lord L's lover killed himself but left a note explaining everything, including Grayson's involvement. But here's the thing: will his father share that information? If his son confessed to sleeping with another man and being in love with him, boy is that a scandal Victorian London would do everything in its power to coverup. 

--Dracula only slept with one woman this episode, though he slept with her three times. Does that count?

 

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time in Wonderland (1x4)

The snake is one of the more recognizable symbols. It appears often enough in literature or television because people automatically know to associate the snake with certain themes: evil, malice, trickery, the Devil, ect. Snakes are seen as duplicitous because they can easily shed their skin; they can become a new thing. A lot of this is more or less rooted in our Judeo-Christian history and the story of Genesis, in which a cunning and sly serpent tricks Eve into eating of the tree of knowledge and thus the fall from paradise and life has sucked ever since. In this weeks episode of Once Upon A Time in Wonderland, "The Serpent," we learn a bit more about Jafar and what everyone's true essence is. 

Snake in the Grass 

Young Jafar had a rough start to life. Does this surprise anyone? That is the reoccurring theme for every villain ONCE (both iterations) comes up with: Rumple and Hook were abandoned by their fathers, the former to be raised by spinsters in poverty; Regina was emotionally and physically abused by her mother; Cora was the daughter of a drunk. It's how the writers of both shows envision their villains; they do not write evil for the sake of evil, but rather the theme that "evil isn't born, it's made" is stressed again and again. So it is with Jafar. He grew up poor, a gutter rat, the apprentice to a nasty and cruel master. But despite this, he seems rather fearless. When Amara, a powerful sorceress, comes to the marketplace, Jafar is the only one who is not scared to look upon her. He sees his way out. One of the biggest twists in Jafar's story is that, on top of being poor and abused, he is a bastard son. The Sultan of Agrabah cast him out, wanting nothing to do with him. I wonder who is mother is. Chances are his mother was a lowly peasant who found herself in the Sultan's bed just for his pleasure and then was cast aside when she was no longer desired. I would be willing to bet that Jafar's mother died very early on in his life. Does this sad history play into Jafar's ultimate plan? Does he was to bring his mother back from the dead, thus rewriting his own history? And take the Sultan down at the same time? He claims that he wants to learn magic from Amara so he can get revenge, but that's too "evil for the sake of evil" for ONCE. There is something more here.

Years pass and Jafar grows up learning tricks and trades from Amara, though she never ages. At some point their relationship stopped being master and apprentice and turned into lovers, which is a bit disturbing seeing as she practically raised him from his teenage years.  There are hints of a Cora/Rumple type relationship here except with the gender roles reversed. Amara is adamant that Jafar cannot learn all she has to offer until he sheds his own skin and reveals his own true essence. Amara surrounds herself with serpent images to remind herself that snakes, when they need to, shed their skin and are reborn. Can Jafar do the same? If he can kill an innocent friend, then he can learn more magic. Otherwise he is still just the rage filled little gutter rat who showed up at Amara's door. By not saving an innocent man, Jafar takes that all important first step to being our villain. Eventually, Amara reveals the ultimate plan to Jafar. In her possession is a book, the same book Jafar was seen levitating several episodes back. Amara calls it a book with all the worlds wisdom about genies. Inside the book is a powerful spell that requires three genies: the genie of the lamp, the urn, and the bottle. If you have all three genies, and two powerful magic doers, you can become the most powerful wizard in all the lands and be able to break the laws of magic. Amara wishes to share this with Jafar and together they could do anything! Like I said, there is more going on here than just world domination. Amara, no doubt, wanted to just be powerful but for Jafar it's revenge but it has to be something else as well. This is not to say that he doesn't relish the evil-doings. I think that becomes abundantly clear. Finding the lamp, the urn, and bottle prove difficult but the two persevere.

They eventually find the urn; it belongs currently to a barkeep who has no desire to give up the urn so quickly. Jafar, of course, has no qualms about torturing the man. There are some parallels to another scene in the present day, so let's discuss it here. Jafar cannot kill the owner of the wishes. If you kill the owner of the wishes before they've spent all their wishes, the wishes stay with them even after death. What does this mean now? It means Jafar cannot kill Alice, so much as he may want to. Alice has three wishes and if Jafar were just to kill her, the wishes would remain Alice's and Jafar could never own Cyrus's bottle. He must get her to spend her wishes instead. More on that in a bit.

Like so many people do, Amara became blind by love. Again, this is really just Rumple and Cora with the gender roles reversed. Rumple, blinded by his love for Cora, didn't see that all she ever wanted was unending power and believed that love was weakness. Amara, blinded by her love for Jafar and her belief that they wanted the same thing, does not see that she has created her own worst enemy. Amara once asked how far Jafar would be willing to go to get what he wanted. The answer is that he'll go as far as he needs to. Unlike Amara, Jafar isn't willing to share the power that comes with owning three genies. And in a very cool and surprising twist, Jafar poisons Amara, stealing her magical essence and then turns her into his favorite villain prop: his serpent staff. This scene was a cool bit of magic and pretty unexpected. Disney's Jafar is never without his serpent staff but the staff itself is never elucidated upon. It is simply his villain weapon. But here, the staff becomes an old lover, an older teacher, and to a certain extent, his mother figure. He will carry Amara with him always but not in a loving way of someone who was nurtured, cared for, and loved. I thought this scene played really well, due in large part to Naveen Andrews who is just a great actor all around. It was twisted and deranged but totally logical once you thought about it.

So how does this fit into the present day dealings with the Red Queen? Why would Jafar ever take on another partner when he clearly doesn't want one for the end result? Did Jafar really need the Red Queen to get Alice to Wonderland? Why couldn't he do that himself? I'm fairly confident that the Red Queen has the White Rabbit's wife and family captive and that's how she bribed the Rabbit to bring Alice back to Wonderland, but surely Jafar could have done that too. I think the Red Queen senses the power imbalance and thus why she went out of her way to make sure she had Cyrus's bottle and not Jafar. Speaking of the bottle, is it the vessels themselves or the genies inside that are important? And please tell me that the genie of the lamp is a big and blue. And sings.

Have the Wish I Wish Tonight 

The Knave and Alice are still on the move, trying to stay out of the Caterpillar's henchman who have been sent after the Knave to collect his debts or the Forget me Knot, which was burned in the last episode. Having learned of the White Rabbit's treachery, Alice is all for hanging him over a cliff until he makes a full confession, but Will urges that bluffing is really the best way to go. They are interrupted by a fight and the Alice and the Knave split up. Bad idea, guys. That's how the bad guys find you! Of course Will is captured by the Red Queen who has been ordered by Jafar to bring in the Knave. Will is thrown in prison and we get to see a bit more of his current relationship with the Red Queen, Anastasia. It's hard to tell if Will still loves her and has buried those feelings under hostility or if he has removed her from his heart altogether. Ana, at any rate, seems to still having feelings for Will. But is it love or is it guilt? Despite her efforts to bust Will out of jail, an offer he doesn't take, she does send him to the chopping block, prepared to give Jafar what he wants--Will's head on a spike.

With Will having been captured, Alice finds herself alone, looking for a way to free him. And then she is approached by a woman in black leathers who is also hoping to save the Knave. Her name is Elizabeth but you can call her Lizard. She's cute, feisty, loyal, and totally and obviously in love with Will. Who is Lizard? If I had to guess, I would say she is a Lost Princess. Jafar refers to the Red Queen's crown as stolen. Did Ana take over her realm by killing the previous rulers? And if so, was Lizard spirited away for safe keeping? Lizard mentions that when she met Will some time ago, she was homeless and friendless, but Will gave her a place to sleep and taught her all he knew about thieving. Together, Alice and Lizard, go after Will and save him from a very nasty beheading. And then the fun happens.

During the escape, Will and Alice are trapped by both Jafar and the Red Queen. It's our first real show down! And it played wonderfully. Jafar knows he cannot kill Alice, like I mentioned previously, but that doesn't mean he can't kill her friends. Pulling a very Darth Vadar move, Jafar beings to choke the life from Will, telling Alice that if she wants to save her companion, all she has to do is make a wish. One wish and Will can be free. Poor Alice. Of course she makes a wish, but not exactly the one Jafar was hoping for--Alice wishes that if the Knave of Hearts dies, so does Alice. Not quite what Jafar was going for, but it's one wish down. Jafar is obviously not happy with this arrangement but gets a little bit of his own back by cursing Will to a fate worse than death (gee, where have we heard that before?) and turns Will into a stone statue. He then turns his magic on Alice, floating her above the air and stretching out her bones and muscles.

Just one more wish Alice, just make one more wish to make the pain stop. And of course that would put Cyrus even closer into Jafar's grasp. But Alice has quite a will of her own (pun intended). She says she'll never give into Jafar and never put Cyrus into his hands. She'll die first. And that would ruin all of Jafar's plans. But Alice has given Jafar a big insight into her true essence: she has a heart and that makes her weak (Cora alert!)

One wish down. Two to go. Will Alice spend her other wishes?

Miscellaneous Notes on The Serpent 

--20 cookies says the old man in the cage next to Cyrus is the Sultan, Jafar's father.

--This episode was quite enjoyable. It had the potential I had expected from ONCE all along. Much better CGI this round

--The Knave gets some of the best lines:
"We need to work on your poker face"
"We could die or we could run"
"I'm clearly not attracted to nice normal women"

--Alice did have her very own fun line though: "Excuse me, pardon me, I have a blade."

-- Looks like Cyrus has found a way out! About time. He's been sitting in that cage for all 4 episodes now and given very little to do. The wishbone ploy was cute if really overly sentimental.




 

In Which I Review Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (1x6)

It is becoming increasingly apparent just how little Joss Whedon has to do with this show. He was obviously brought on to develop and launch but not actually see the show to fruition. Very JJ Abrams who launches show after show and then leaves before seeing it through. SHIELD is beginning to frustrate me. The characters, except for Coulson and to a lesser degree May, are cardboard cutouts who lack chemistry and charisma on screen. The writing is becoming stale and overly sentimental. And episodes like this weeks "FZZT" are less about developing myth and arc and more about promotion and fandom. This episode did little except set up the ships of the show and remind people that this show sprang from the greatness that was the Avengers movie and previous Marvel Universe movies. 

Did you catch the two Avengers references? Skye's completely unfunny Captain America is "The Dude" joke and Coulson's somewhat better Iron Man joke pretty much fell on deaf ears. Oh and then there is the whole exclusive sneak peek for Thor: The Dark World that came in the middle of the episode (and was literally a 15 second clip of Thor smashing things. Cause we've NEVER seen that before). Oh and then there was the whole plot of the episode which was nothing but a reminder of the Avengers. Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to. There was just so much potential for this show and it's not even close to living up to right now. The showrunners need to fire half the cast, make the show totally focused on Coulson (with a side of Melinda May) and get a fully developed villain to fight. Superhero of the week is fine every now and then but so far the shadowy Centipede enterprise isn't doing much for the show as a whole.

When we last left off, Skye was discovered as a faux-double agent (her allegiance to Rising Tide is still questionable because she claims that the events of the previous episode were done out of love for her boyfriend) and was punished. Wait. Did I say punished? I mean she was forgiven and let back on the team but tagged with a magic bracelet to monitor her computer activity. Something she resents. A lot. Because she complained about it nonstop this episode. We get it, Skye. You think this treatment is unfair? You know what I think is unfair? That you were even let back on to the team! You know, the one you betrayed and lied to? But she has read all the protocol books now and she is really sorry, guys! But still Ward is being a meany pants and won't play nice or make sweet eyes with her. Gag me. Even Coulson tells Ward that maybe he's being a smidge too hard on her. No! He's not! She lied to you people and almost handed over your secrets. Just because she gave you her sob story about her Agent parents doesn't mean she gets lollipops. Get over yourself, Skye.

Anyway. The episode. It begins with a camping trip of Boy Scouts who are telling each other ghost stories. The leader telling the story suddenly begins to hear a humming noise, as he goes to investigate some freak electrical storms being swarming around the camp site and suddenly a blue light of energy pulses out and the body of the scout leader is found hovering in the air. Meanwhile on the plane (no seriously. Why are they always on the plane? Do they literally just fly around airspace waiting for a mission from HQ? How does this work? How much fuel is SHIELD pumping into the atmosphere? How much damage is that plane doing to the biosphere?) Skye and the science duo of FitzSimmons (still can't remember which one is which) are joking and bonding! Oh look at the camaraderie with the traitor. Isn't it cute? The mission comes in and the teams heads off to investigate. The body of the boy scout leader (who was also a firefighter) is discovered to be altered in body density but the floating is still a mystery. Until another victim is found floating in his barn. Turns out that the first victim and the second victim were both firefighters at the same house! A coincidnece? I think not!

Not only do the two firefighters work at the same house, the entire firefighting team was one of those who responded when the Chitauri invaded New York. You know, in the Avengers. For those who don't know, the Chitauri are an alien race who came through a wormhole and invaded New York. And they wore helmets. The helmets are important. By the time the team gets to the firehouse, one more firefighter has come down with the symptoms of "about to go boom." Turns out the first two victims and this soon-to-be-pulling-a-Houdini firefighter spent the other night polishing a Chitauri helmet, one they kept as a souvenir. There was a virus on the helmet that turns humans who come in contact with it into floating lightening bolts. The only good part of this episode was Coulson talking to the dying firefighter. Coulson hasn't been the same since New York. He knows he died and while he can cover his feelings with smiles and jokes, he feels different. Coulson tells the firefighter that "I was there" and that "it was beautiful." (Meta joke: I honestly expected him to burst into song and sing a la Buffy "I think I was in heaven.") Gregg Clark really shines here and this show needs to be focused on him and him alone.

At some point the girl scientist (Simmons?) touched the body of a dead firefighter and was shocked and this spread the infection to her. She is quarantined in her lab and given two hours to figure out a cure. She tries unsuccessfully to come with an anti-serum, killing several rats in the process, while her male cohort (and obvious love interest) Fitz helps on the other side. You can tell that they work well together, despite competition and fussiness over needing their own space. And you can tell that Simmons is totally and wholly in love with him. And that he's an idiot who has no idea. Because this is unique and original. (Actually it reeks of Willow and Xander in early seasons of Buffy). The SHIELD HQ (so there is an HQ?) has ordered Coulson to "drop" his infected "cargo," something Coulson will ignore. Feeling the pressure of a ticking clock before BOOM of Simmons, Fitz breaks the quarantine and they come up with a brilliant plan to fix the problem. Only it doesn't work. The rat they test it on still dies. Simmons decides she must be brave and, after knocking out Fitz, decides to jump out of the plane. But wait! What's this?! The rat is alive! The anti-serum only knocked it out before fully curing it! Oh huzzah. But wait, Simmons is plunging to the watery abyss below. Not to fear! Ward can save her by breaking the laws of physics. (How did he catch up to her when she was in free fall and he was several moments behind her?) Anyway. Simmons is saved, Ward is going to ease up on Skye and the little happy ships of the show continue to sail on. Boringly.

The only really interesting aspect here was Coluson and May's final conversation. We still don't know much about May and her past as "The Calvary." But did she die at one point? When Coulson finally opens up to her about how he feels different since New York, May not only sympathizes but empathizes. She says, "do you know how long it took me.." before Coulson cuts her off with a word and a knowing look. I'm starting to think that May's decision to go behind the desk had a lot to do with a near death (possible DEATH) experience which left her shaken. Are May and Coulson going to be an item? They seem to have an understanding and a mutual respect for each other. So we have Sward, FitzSimmons, and now we need a new ship name! Coming up with ship names is my very favorite. Coulay, Mayson, Mellip, AsianGlasses.

Yeah that last one is clearly the best.

Miscellaneous Notes on "FZZT"

--I have no idea why this episode was titled this. None. Did they reference it? Does it make sense to anyone?

--May's idea of interrogation, "Have a cookie."

--Fitz flirting with Skye needs to stop. She's not going to go for you.

--Can we please get a real villain? Please?