In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (3x8)

Sometimes my theories are right. And sometimes they are dead wrong. While I do love how this episode played out and the big revelation of the night was better than I suspected it would be, TeamBrothers still makes more sense. But that's what happens a lot on Once Upon a Time. Just when you think you've nailed down what is happening on screen, the writers go and do a one hundred and eighty degree turn and surprise you. This weeks episode, "Think Lovely Thoughts," finally gives the full tragic history of Peter Pan and Rumplestiltskin. Like many backstories on ONCE, it's all about the choices we make and the impact they have on others. And of course, it focuses on just how messed up families can be. Seriously, I know creators Adam and Eddy brought this over from their time on LOST, but man. These guys need some intensive therapy, don't they? 

Fathers and Sons 

I very rarely flat out hate TV characters. Even if I find them taxing or unsympathetic, I try my best to at least understand them: their motives, their desires, their impulses. Even with Milah, my former least favorite character on ONCE, I tried to understand her boredom and dissatisfaction with her lot in life, lashed to the village coward and stuck in a dreary lifestyle. However, Malcolm might be the very worst character I've ever seen on ONCE. With these writers, backstories of villains are supposed to elicit sympathy and give the audience a better understanding of how our villains became who they are. Regina, the villain of season one, was an emotionally and physically abused young girl who lost the love of her life when her mother (another truly nasty person) ripped out his heart. Cora, the villain of season two, was poor and shunned and the daughter of a drunk who often forgot to do his work. Rumple...well, let's face it. Every time we get another Rumple backstory, it only add to how incredibly tragic his life has been. When ONCE first started a few years ago, I was instantly drawn to Rumple because he was so freakish; alone in his cell, green gold skin and obviously insane. But with his first backstory, "Price of Gold," I couldn't understand why they weren't mixing Rumple's story up; it appeared to be the very typical Rumplestiltskin story we all know. And then "Desperate Souls" happened, and I think I fell--well-- desperately in love with the man. Every single Rumple episode since then has been one of desperate loneliness and self hatred. Rumple's entire psychology can be reduced to one moment in his life: when his father left him. And this week we finally saw how that played out.

Malcolm is a trickster. A gambler. A drunk. A lowlife. Someone who is more than happy to make his son wait in a corner while he swindles men out of their money; money which will not be going to feed his family, but to buy more ale. Malcolm will leave Rumple with others while he goes out into the night, claiming to try and find employment, but really only indulging in his hedonistic desires. Did you notice how many traits Dark One Rumple will pick up from his father? The giggle, the manner of dress, the hand gestures. These are all things we associate with Dark One Rumple and not Spinner Rumple. Rumple literally became his father, in every way he could from dress and mannerisms to letting go of his sons hand when he needed him the most. I think despite claiming to not fear anything once he became the Dark One, Rumple actually became the thing he feared the most: his own father. His hatred for his father (which stems from the deepest love) manifests in his own self hatred and how he views himself. Never forget his line in "Skin Deep": "Because no one could ever, ever, love me." Little Rumple, however, truly love his Papa even though his father has never really given him a second thought. One of the most tragic moments (in an episode full of tragic moments) was when little Rumple was spinning to the praise of the Spinsters and said "I didn't think I had any talent" and "If I made money, then Papa and I can be together." Rumple has never been encouraged; he is Malcolm's burden and not one he wants to bear. And so the Spinsters offer him a way out. How did the Spinners get a magic bean? Those beans are not exactly ubiquitous and according to Malcolm, they are worth more than a shiny penny.  Also, those Spinsters were dressed way too fine to be as poor as they were supposed to be. Am I suspicious of those Spinsters? You bet. Typically, there are three spinsters, be they the Greek fates or the three fairies from Sleeping Beauty. So where is the third one? Could she possibly be a little Sneaky Blue Fairy? If fairies can be un-made, can they be made? Did the third Spinster leave and become a fairy, and then steal a magic bean to give to her sisters so that they might have a better life (and also set up a lot of events for some sneaky agenda? It would parallel how Blue gave Bae a bean to escape Rumple.) Ok, I have nothing but headcanon when it comes to Sneaky Blue Fairy but those Spinsters were suspect.

The Spinsters encourage Rumple to take the bean and leave for another land, away from Malcolm whom they know has never cared for Rumple. But Rumple, who has such a good heart and in a future parallel with his own son, believes that if he and Malcolm can just get away and be together, everything will be fine. It is exactly what Baelfire believed after Rumple became the Dark One. Bae believed that if he and his Papa used the magic bean, they could get away to a land without magic and be together. When Rumple approaches his Papa with the idea of leaving for a new land, Malcolm agrees but only if they go to the land of his choosing: Neverland. When Malcolm was a boy his father, every night before bed, would tell Malcolm to "think lovely thoughts" and in his dreams, Malcolm would go to Neverland where he could fly and play and be a carefree boy. We all want to reclaim pieces of our childhood, but Malcolm longs be an actual child again. Of course, the irony here, is that Malcolm never really grew up. He still played games and shirked his responsibility as a parent. (Are you sensing yet where this is going?)

When Malcolm and Rumple arrive in Neverland, it is just as Malcolm remembers: a virtual paradise. Except for one small, trifling thing: he has grown up. Neverland is for children, not adults. When you're an adult the belief of children no longer comes easy to you, jaded souls that we are. While Rumple can conjure up anything he desires, Malcolm cannot. I'm going to pause here and talk another father/son parallel. In the episode "The Return" Dark One Rumple tells Baelfire, "I can conjure anything you desire." Having watched "Think Lovely Thoughts," how much more sad is that moment? Rumple is desperately trying to keep Baelfire happy, conjure anything his heart desires because if he can keep Bae happy, then Bae will never leave him. Rumple could not give Malcolm what he wanted: youth, belief, freedom and so Malcolm let him go. So Rumple's almost excessive over protectiveness stems from having his father leave him when Rumple was the only thing standing in the way of Malcolm getting what he wanted. In order for Malcolm to get what he wants, they need pixie dust. The problem to all your solution: faith, trust, and pixie dust. And apparently it literally grows on trees. This part did seem a little convenient, did it not. A lot of people are questioning why Tink didn't just climb a tree and get more pixie dust but I think the solution is fairly simple, outside of suspension of disbelief. There is no more light in Neverland. At some point, it became perpetual night and therefore all the pixie flowers died off. I suspect there is at least one more flower somewhere in order to get our heroes home to Storybrooke. Also, a creepy shadow is following Malcolm and Rumple.

To whom does this shadow belong? Does it belong to anyone? Is it just a disembodied shadow, sans human? Later the shadow will tell Malcolm that it is the only inhabitant of Neverland, a place where children only come to in their dreams. But it also appears to help Malcolm out; it will tell Malcolm what he needs to do to become young again, young enough to fly, which is really what Malcolm wants. Belief is key here. If you believe it in Neverland, it comes to pass. But Malcolm cannot believe himself to be young. Why? Easy...Rumple.

So long as Rumple is around to remind him that he is a father, he cannot believe himself to be a youth again and if he cannot believe himself to be a youth again then he cannot fly and the magic of Neverland will not work for him. So Malcolm selfishly decides to give up his burden. This scene was do devastating. Rumple has led his father to paradise, to his greatest desires and then Malcolm lets his child's hand go and sends him off to a lifetime of absolute misery. And just like that, as Rumple is being airlifted out of Neverland by the Shadow, Malcolm transforms into who he was as youth: and, in case you missed it, Malcolm is Peter Pan.

Father of the year. How much did the shadow have to do with this? Did the Shadow want Malcolm to stay? The Shadow says that by Malcolm staying, he broke the rules. Is the Shadow against Malcolm and will it help out the Heroes? Or is the Shadow the real big bad in this situation and will it be coming back to haunt us? Like I said at the top, the revelation that Malcolm is Peter Pan played out well and certainly better than I thought it would when I began to suspect that TeamBrothers was wrong. And we have to give some very strong props to Robbie Kay who plays Peter Pan. This is a huge role for him to swallow; not only is he playing an iconic character but he's playing an iconic character who is nothing like the original and then added on top of that he's playing a de-aged father of Rumple, played by Bobby Carlyle. Honestly, if this was anyone but Robbie Kay and Bobby Carlyle, this whole story would fall flat on its face. But it works because of their supreme talent.

It seems that Malcolm's powers in Neverland are quiet exceptional. Without even thinking of it, MalcolmPan created Skull Rock and the hourglass that slowly counts down how long he has as a youth. However, all magic comes with a price. Malcolm broke the rules by trying to stay in Neverland forever and therefore his time is limited. But Malcolm is determined to find a way to stay forever, no matter how far he has to go or what he has to do. Sound familiar? It is what Rumple does when he looses Bae, except Rumple's intentions are far more honorable. Rumple searched for Bae over a lifetime for the chance to say he was sorry and that he loved him; MalcolmPan spent a lifetime looking for a way to prolong his life as a youth in magical land. The solution to his problem? The heart of the truest believer (who just so happens to be his great grandson) (Therapy, the boys of ONCE need it).

Where is Jerry Springer When You Need Him?

Man, this review is getting long. And I still have to deal with the present day stuff! (Mark of a good episode is a long review). Now that the Heroes have captured the Shadow inside the magical coconut with the candle (giggle), they can finally put into action the plan they devised with Tinkerbell back in 304. Do you remember the plan? No? That's because it was forgotten in the crazy CaptainSwanFire mess. The plan is actually quite simple: attack Pan's camp from behind and grab Henry, trapping Pan inside Pandora's box. Then using the Shadow in his coconut (giggle) get out of Neverland on the Jolly Roger. Plans this simple never go the way you intend and there are several bumps along the way.

First bump: Regina and Rumple rejoin the gang. The family is finally back together and shockingly enough, they still don't quite trust each other. You see, there is still this prophecy to deal with. You know, the one that says Henry will be Rumple's undoing? The one that only Neal knows and that he tells to everyone. Because Neal had to! This is his son and trust with Rumple is tricky. How can Neal trust Rumple at all when all Rumple has ever done is let him down? As Belle said a season ago to Rumple, "you toy with words like you do people." Actions are what they need from Rumple, not words from our master wordsmith. So despite his protestations, Rumple agrees to not use magic and to hand over the box to Nealfire for safekeeping. I love every interaction between Rumple and Neal; they are my two favorite characters for a reason and every time they are together on screen, magic happens. I really wanted Rumple to open up to Nealfire, though. I think Rumple being open and honest about just who Peter Pan is would really help heal the breach between father and son. This is an abusive cycle; secrets are kept, trust is lost, fathers hurt sons and sons hurt fathers. I'm counting on Rumple to break the cycle at one point and tell Nealfire about his life, his abandonment, his loneliness, and his self hatred.

Second Bump: Pan's camp is empty and there is a girl in a cage. Peter Pan and Henry are already on their way to Skull Rock so that Henry can fork over his heart, believing that he is doing it to save magic. So when the Heroes find the camp empty, they are upset but what's this! A girl in a cage! DarlingFire reunion! I was a bit disappointed in how the reunion was downplayed. It felt rushed and I really wanted Emma to learn about Nealfire's history with Wendy and how he sacrificed himself for her and her family so many years ago. But luckily for us, Wendy has some crucial information to share with the gang: magic isn't actually dying, Peter is. The heart of the truest believer is not going to be used to save magic, but to keep Pan immortal. Once Peter has Henry's heart he can absorb all the magic in Neverland and be a youth forever. There is a catch, of course (isn't there always?). While Peter Pan can live, Henry cannot. It's a trade. And one Peter is willing to make because he is a truly horrible person.

Third bump: Rumple cannot use Pandora's box on Peter. The heroes split up (NO!) in order to deal with different problems. Snowing are going to Dead Man's Peak to get magical water to get Charming out of Neverland (I will discuss the wasted storyline of dreamshade in my notes below because I have several things to say); Tink and Hook are staying behind at the camp to guard the knocked out Lost Boys; and Emma, Rumple, Nealfire, and Regina are going after Henry. As it should be! They are his parents and Rumple is only one capable of stopping Peter! But there is a hitch in the proceedings. But let's talk about the final Rumple and Peter meeting first. Powerful. Seriously, Robbie and Bobby killed it. Rumple's insistence is that he is nothing like his father, but of course he is. He made the same choices Peter did but unlike Peter he is trying to course correct. Rumple was doomed no matter what. He is no longer a child and the power of belief is now working against him. All Peter had to do was believe and imagine that HE had Pandora's Box and it happened. And Peter shows us just how low he can go by trapping his only son inside a box said to contain the world's darkest magic and evil. (And yes, I was freaking out last night. GET MY RUMPLE OUT OF THERE).

Fourth Bump: Henry's psychology. A lot of people this morning are claiming that Henry is down right stupid. How could he fall for Pan's trap? Well I think we need to look at who Henry is. He is, at his heart, a little boy who wants more than anything to be a hero. He longs for it. When Henry finally came out of the Curse fog, once he got the storybook, he realizes who his mother and grandparents are: heroes. Literal, actual, saviors and heroes. I think that weighs on him. Henry wants to be one of them. So when told that he can save magic, not to mention Wendy Darling, Henry will jump at the chance. Being a hero means sacrifice. So while his parents are begging him not to trust Peter Pan, to believe in them and their love for him, Henry still thinks that he had to be a hero. And so, with his own hand, he rips his heart out (and it's gold!) and give it to Peter Pan, allowing the boy who refused to grow up to fly once more. And our Henry collapses to the floor, as his parents surround him thinking that their son is gone. It's a race against the clock to defeat Peter Pan who now posses the heart of the truest believer and to save Henry who no longer as any heart at all.

Miscellaneous Notes on Think Lovely Thoughts

--Ok let's talking Saving Charming. This is by far the most wasted storyline of the season. It really served no purpose. In the end, all it takes is getting some magic water to take back to Storybrooke and then allowing Rumple to come up with an elixar out of stuff he already has in his shop. I am reminded of how the Blue Fairy came up with her magical memory potion at the end of season two. The dreamshade arc was totally pointless except for one thing: get CaptainSwan to kiss. That is all it served in the end. Charming as a character neither grew nor developed because of this arc. The dreamshade never even seemed like that big of a threat; Charming sweated a bit but he it barely affected him. He didn't hallucinate and outside of Hook, no one even suspected he was sick! I don't mind natural romantic moments that gradually build, but what I do mind are when other characters simply become plot devices in service of a romantic storyline.

--Best line of the night: "I'm not going in there with just my good looks." Oh Rumplestiltskin. I can't even with you sometimes. Just let me love you.

--Second best line of the night, when Rumple tries to swindle a deal for a favor out of Emma to save Charming, Neal said, "no. You'll do it because it's the right thing to do." What a contrast to Hook, who saved Charming just to get closer to Emma and then asked for smoochies in return for saving her father. Neal makes no demands. He tells Rumple there will be no tricks.

--The reason for Malcolm's name change was a bit wonky but I was ok with it in the end. Rumple named his doll (the doll that has been following him) Peter Pan and thus Malcolm takes the name of the symbol for childhood for himself. Does Malcolm care at all for Rumple? Peter claims that his actions were for the best because he could never be the father Rumple needed, but they were all motivated by selfish reasons.

--Trying to rank this episode with the others of the season so far. I'm not sure it was better than "Nasty Habits" but it's close. I think this is a solid 3rd place for me. 


--The Neveland storyline is close to wrapping up! And we still have pieces that need to be connected. How do Tink and Peter know each other? How do Hook and Tink? What was Hook doing for Peter? Do Hook and the Darlings know each other? How did Wendy get back to Neverland?

--We have a one week break but then it's back to the fun! #SaveHenry

In Which I Reivew Dracula (1x4)

The following is an actual conversation with my friend Jo while we watched this weeks Dracula, "From Darkness to Light:"

Jo "What just happened?"
Me "I'm not sure..."

Me "Who is that chick?"
Jo "I don't know..."

Jo "Is this really happening?"
Me "I think so?"

The way Dracula is bleeding (pun intended) numbers, I doubt we'll see the end of this show, but until then, the idiocy and utter nonsense shall continue. Like last weeks episode, there were no themes or motifs of really anything remotely interesting about this episode. I mean, apart from the mud wrestling. (Yes, you read that right). Let's get this over with. 

I think this episode was supposed to center on Lady Jane (blonde Ninja Lady) but the only thing this episode did for her character was show that she is nothing more than a wanton sexpot who enjoys leather, control, and very unVictorian era dresses.  Am I supposed to intrigued by her? Fascinated? Am I supposed to be comparing her to the other females on the show and try to draw contrasts? Mina is the modern romantic heroine; Lucy is the sexual but insecure pseduo-lesbian; and Jane is the dominatrix vampire slayer? Does Jane have a purpose outside of giving Dracula someone to sleep with before he moves on to Lucy or Mina? According to Dracula's assessment of her psychology, Jane needs control. She enjoys breaking men, making them hers and once that is accomplished, she has no need for them and becomes bored. So, the vampire slayer is also a strumpet in leather who enjoys a good fight. It's not cliche at all! How does she not realize that she is sleeping with the vampire she is looking for? Apparently vampires are flocking to London en masse as their master, Dracula, summons them. These vampires are giving Jane problems but it's ok cause she's such a skilled vampire hunter (except that she can't figure out that Dracula is the master vampire).

Among these vampires is Joseph, a loyal solider who is devoted to Dracula but wishes Dracula would be a bit more ruthless and bloodthirsty. In other words, he is voicing exactly what the audience wants. According to Joseph, Dracula and he used to "harvest more souls" before sunup. So, at one point Dracula was scary? He was actually Dracula? Joseph has also been around long enough that he recognizes Mina as the reincarnated version of Dracula's wife. She's the spitting image of Dracula's dead wife. And, like the audience, Joseph can't understand why Dracula doesn't just turn her. But Dracula has his (idiotic) moral reasons and instead is going to throw Mina and Harker their engagement party. I guess anything to spend time with Mina. Speaking of, Dracula wants to show Mina his light machine with its magical coolant. I wish that was a euphemism but I'm referring to an actual machine with real coolant. Dracula's great plan to take down the Order of the Dragon! But something goes wrong and Mina and Dracula end up in each other's arms and both are way too into it for comfort. Golly, everyone wants Mina, don't they?

Dracula, Harker, Lucy and I'm sure before long there will be another gent who wishes to be closer to Mina. Speaking of Lucy, our closeted lesbian has taken it upon herself to plan Mina's whole engagement party. As a way of coping, I imagine. With Lucy, I am not trying to say that women did not have these feelings or that homosexuality was not present, but I don't understand why Lucy is our closeted lesbian. In the novel, Lucy is sweet and loveable before she is turned into a vampire. Then, and only then, she becomes a sexual lady of the night. But for this TV show, Lucy is presented as if she has already been turned, which is fine, but then they add this lesbian layer and she just becomes unnecessarily complicated. I am a little excited that at least Dracula might turn his attentions to Lucy. What is Dracula if he's not slowly draining Lucy of her life force? At the moment, Lucy, for Dracula, is merely Mina's friend and he must be courteous and kind to her but I'd like to see Dracula at least try to make a move on her. Of course, I'd much prefer that this show actually be Dracula as opposed to this odd concoction, but beggars cannot be choosers.

Do you notice how hard it is to talk about plot with this show? What was the plot of this episode? Lucy planning Mina's party; Harker searching for information about a General with oil ties in the Ottoman Empire; Dracula manipulating Jane into trusting him; Dracula and Jane having sex during a mud wrestling match? Yes, that really happened. Dracula's idea of a date is taking Lady Jane to an underground female mud wresting match (wut?) where she gets so hot and bothered (wut?) that she and Dracula have to find a corner and make with the sexy time. What was the purpose that scene, besides being the prerequited "get Jonathan Rhys Meyers to sleep with someone on screen?" But even the sexy time isn't enough for Jane and she tells Dracula that their relationship is over. So Dracula formulates a plan where Joseph goes to kill Jane only to be stopped by Dracula, thereby earning her trust. And then they take a bath together. Dracula apparently thinks that by doing this, he has robbed the Order of their most valuable weapon, but how? Jane is still going to hunt vampires but now she's in love with Dracula. How does this help Draucla at all? The writers are clearly just pulling ideas out of a hat and then adding, "Dracula has sex and broods" to their plots.

Miscellaneous Notes on From Darkness to Light

--There were several subplots in this episode. One involved some raw-steak-eating lady in gray who kidnapped Renfield. The other involved Harker going in search of an Asian lady with a forgettable name who knows something about the Oil General? Or does she know about Dracula? I'm not sure what her purpose is. Though, let's face it: I don't know what the purpose of most of this drivel is for.

--Sex mud wrestling match. Honestly I just needed to stress that again.

--Mina is drawn to Dracula which totally makes sense as they have spent a grand total of five seconds together and Dracula isn't using any sort of thrall on her.

--Dracula only slept with Lady Jane this week. Disappointing. I expected him and Joseph to have a tryst. I suspect Dracula is open to anything.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time in Wonderland (1x5)

Show creators Adam Horowitz and Eddy Kitsis love their parallels. Often, on ONCE proper and even on Wonderland, the events of the past are played out again in the present and we see how the choices of the characters either match their past actions or differ, thus allowing us inside the characters head for a span of time. It's a perfectly acceptable way of writing and most of the time it's highly enjoyable. What is less enjoyable are remixes of past successful episodes that are watered down and replicated for new characters. This weeks episode of Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, "Heart of Stone," took two episodes from ONCE proper and mashed them together to give the Red Queen a backstory. The two ONCE proper episodes in question have to do with the other two evil queens, Regina and Cora; 1x18 "Stable Boy" in which a mother disapproves of her daughter's choice of love because she had hoped that her daughter would move up in society and 2x16 "The Miller's Daughter" in which a poor peasant with lofty notions if offered a crown if she gives up someone she loves. What this episode did not to do was endear the Red Queen to me; in fact, I'd really like it if she doesn't get a happy ending. 

Mommy Dearest (and other adventures)

Turns out Ana's mother does not approve of Will Scarlett; he is poor, common and a thief. Ana's mother wanted so much more for her daughter; she expected Ana to become a queen or at the very least marry a nobleman.  Raise your hand if you expected Mommy Dearest to rip out Will's heart and declare that Ana's life wasn't her own. They should have been in a stable with horses while Snow White slumbered in the great house. The point I'm making here, is that this whole scene and scenario was something straight out of "Stable Boy" in ONCE. Ana declares that all she needs in life is Will; the Beatles will take their royalty check now, thank you very much. Ana's mother watches as Ana and Will jump through a portal to Wonderland, wide-eyed and dreamy. Another note on Ana's mother: she looks a lot like Lady Tremaine from Disney's "Cinderella" does she not? There is a pretty popular theory that Ana is one of Cinderella's step sisters, one of whom is traditionally named Anastasia, and in "Cinderella 2" runs off with a bread baker named Will despite her mother's reservations. It wouldn't surprise me in the least except that the timeline of the whole events is massively screwed up. We saw the Step Sisters in ONCE 104, "Price of Gold," which was well after the events of this episode. (I sound crazed, don't I?) It's probably not overly important at any rate. If ABC does let ONCEWL play out for the full season then these little matters are annoying only if you're an obsessed fan.

 Life in Wonderland is--shock--hard! Despite what young lovers often think, you need more than love to survive. You need food and clothing and money and shelter. You can't just wander hither and thither expecting that life will be simply grand because you have each other. This is a lesson Ana is learning the hard way. An idea strikes Ana when the love duo see a passing cart of bread: let's go to the ball! Ana and Will could sneak in, steal break to eat, and get away without anyone being any the wiser. After all, they were thieves at one point, so it shouldn't be too hard. Part of me wonder if this is what would have happened had Regina and Daniel run off together. Would Regina eventually miss her old life of comfort and begin to make Daniel do unethical things to provide for her? So Ana and Will pinch some dresses and apparently some hair product and some makeup and head off to a ball at the King's palace.

The life presented in the palace is in stark contrast to the life Ana has been living outside the palace. Here she is beautiful and coiffed and well dressed. There she is run down and hungry. The king obviously approves of her. It's a pretty standard story: peasant girl gets dressed up for a ball, attracts the attention of the king, and suddenly her life will change. But given that Ana is still in love with Will, she needs to distance herself from him first. They are caught trying to steal bread and the woman from whom Ana stole her gown recognizes it and the pair are tossed from the palace. Very Miller's Daughter. I half expected Ana to say that she could spin straw into gold. Ana continues to mope and lament their life and it's all very annoying. Honestly, I don't know why I have no sympathy for her. Maybe I'm supposed to, but most of my sympathy lies with Will who lost his girl in a matter of seconds. Ana comes up with the plan to break into the King's castle and steal the jewels so that they can sell them and live off the riches. Man, is this a bad plan. And worse, Will doesn't want to do it at all but for the love he bears Ana, he will. So they break in and I bet you can guess what happens next: Ana gets caught by the King; the King offers up riches and comfort by making an offer of marriage; Ana accepts and literally in five second is crowned and dressed as a Queen while Will watches from below the castle.

And that's how Ana became the Red Queen. Except she was always the Red Queen to an extent. She was never, so far as we can tell, honestly happy living in poverty. Even when her mother came to take her away, you can see that Ana hesitates, not sure if she honestly wants a life with Will and the hardships it will bring. I don't doubt that she loves Will; I doubt the conviction of those feelings. Again the similarity to Cora: love is weakness. Ana could be with Will (Cora could have been with Rumple) but it meant a life of hardship and sacrifice. If they don't bring Cora back soon, I'll be very disappointed given how close their stories are.

Let's Make a Deal

First, how cute is Alice draping StoneWill in a blanket to keep the rain off of him? Seriously, ONCEWL, if you want me to ship Alice and Cyrus then you need to stop making Alice and Will so adorable. It doesn't help that, apart from the odd flashback, Cyrus has been in a cage for 5 episodes now. The chemistry between Alice and Cyrus isn't quite what it needs to be; but the chemistry between Will and Alice is spectacular. But since Alice and Cyrus are obviously True Love, I suppose I need to get over it. Anyway, the Red Queen shows up with a deal for Alice: come with me to get some magic dust and I'll tell you where your genie is because Jafar's palace is cloaked in magic and you'll never find it without me. Looks like Alice has no choice and so the two team up together. This is really the first interaction between Alice and the Red Queen thus far and it felt...underwhelming. Maybe it's because how the Red Queen presents herself: her dialect, her mannerisms, ect all feel forced and frankly after 5 episodes very annoying. Her "darlings" now grate on my every nerve. Alice is sweet and I enjoy her but the two together don't do it for me. Alice and Jafar, now that was scary.

The Red Queen takes Alice to the Great Divide which I'm sure is symbolic and stuff but frankly I can't be bothered to pick apart the symbolism because it was deadly boring and odd. There is a riddle that only the person who is true of heart can cross the divide and of course that means Alice. By believing in the power of her love with Cyrus she crosses halfway before falling, as she was meant to. And there she meets Zombie Alice. This was freaky and weird and was altogether unnecessary. What exactly was the purpose of the magic dust becoming a zombie version of Young Alice and demanding that Big Alice kill the Red Queen? We all know Alice won't do it. That's why she has the pure heart, we get it. But there's young Zombie Alice, with dark hair and freaky eyes. And then she's not there and a pile of dust remains. Okay then. And in a surprise to no one, the Red Queen betrays Alice and refuses to tell her where Cyrus is; but in another non-surprise, Alice has kept part of the dust for herself and uses it to uncover Jafar's castle. Of course, the twist is that Cyrus has escaped and is now off to find Alice. Will they actually find each other? I hope so. They need to really sell me Cyrus and Alice.

Miscellaneous Notes from Heart of Stone

--I really love the White Rabbit. He is obviously working for the Red Queen because his family is being held hostage and then he tries to keep Jafar from learning anything about Alice by telling him trivialities. I was *so* angry when Jafar cut off the Bunny's foot. (I have a pet rabbit. It was personal). While I'm glad Jafar put the foot back, I still worry about the Bunny. Where is the Bunny taking Jafar? My guess is London to steal Alice's father. But I bet my Bunny will do something heroic again. Last night, he let Cyrus escape. He's a hero in a hat.

--The other prisoner in the cage next to Cyrus is most likely the Sultan and I was impressed that he stayed behind to allow Cyrus to escape. He doesn't sound like the kind of man who would give up his son. Jafar probably doesn't know the whole story.

--Speaking of Cyrus's escape...when he was hanging on to the walkway ledge, I remember wanting him to yell, "Fly, you fools!" (Nerd jokes!)

--Not nearly enough Will this episode. More Will please.

In Which I Review Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (1x7)

This show is about teamwork. Is that clear to everyone? Have they beat that into your head enough? Cause it's super important that you understand that this is a team. A team-y team. Alright, I'm be facetious but the point remains: this show is beating a dead horse. This weeks episode of Agents of SHIELD, "The Hub," harped on the idea of "trusting the system" and putting your faith in the order a well oiled machine can bring--unless your own personal team is in danger and then screw the system because gosh darnit, this is *your* team and they matter more than any system. Someone is going to have to explain to me why this was an episode of SHIELD. This show is predicated on superheroes and villains, so why am I watching an episode that would fit better with an international spy show? It was as if the writers pulled two character names out of a hat and then pulled a classic spy situation from a James Bond film and went "ah ha! Story!" No! There was nothing SHIELD worthy of this episode, until the end. It is very possible that after this first season, SHIELD and I will be parting ways. Maybe if they kill Skye, I'll stick around. 

 The show opens with Coulson and his team rescuing another agent from being deep undercover. Never mind what this agent was doing or who he is; it will never be expanded upon. Let's just call him Agent Man. Agent Man has a thing up his nose that is disgustingly pulled out. And no, it doesn't matter what this nose thing is. What matters is where the nose thing is going: The Hub. Ooooh. Secretive name for secretive base. Cliches are cliche. Seriously, if you're a secretive government agency, why are you naming your base of operations something so painfully obvious? You might as well name it, "The Place Where All Our Secrets Are Stored. Terrorism Welcome!" Our team of cardboard cutouts and Coulson (and May) go to the Hub where only those with Level 7 or 8 (there's a level 8?) access are invited into a meeting with Agent Lady. I have no idea what her name is and frankly don't care. She has a red streak in her hair but is wearing super business clothing and "take me serious" glasses. I shall refer to her as Agent Lady or Red Streak Lady.

There is a quick info-dump that went by at lightening speed but you can pretty much pick up any James Bond book/movie that deals with the USSR and get the general idea. Insurgents. Big Bad Weapon. Stupid name for Big Bad Weapon (Overkill Device) to really drive home just how Big Bad the Big Bad Weapon is. No, the weapon isn't alien. No, the insurgents are part of Centipede. No, there are no superheroes in this episode. And apparently the CIA isn't a thing in the SHIELD universe. And because cliches are cliche, SHIELD must send in two team members: the brain and the brawn. So overly trope-tastic. This always happens when you have a dangerous mission. You send in one guy who has the military expertise (Ward) who is going to perform the action fighting and at the same time you send in the super genius (Fitz? That's the guy right?) whose job it is to do all the high tech brainy stuff. And along the way the two discover that they have more in common than you might think and that despite all the odds, they work well together and their two skills help each other and oh grab a hanky cause I can already hear the orchestra tuning up to have a stirring musical piece play in the background as the two team members declare that they aren't leaving the other behind! Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to. Ok, yes I do, but this show needs to be scrapped and try again.

Where was I? Right. Plot! While Ward and Fitz are doing the brain/brawn thing, Skye is being Skye. Seriously, girl. I get it. You had a rough life and I'm supposed to feel sorry for you. Do you know what prevents me from feeling bad for you? The fact that you're an idiot. You've been invited into a top secret government agency and still you act like a spoiled petulant child despite that this super secret government agency keeps giving you second chances. They should have dumped you out of the plane already! So what do you do this week? Break into the secret government organization's computer? SURE! But what's even more horrendous is the excuse you give for the hacking: I was helping my team! No, you weren't. You had an alternate agenda. So Skye's whole mission is to find out what happened to her parents. She knows they are involved in SHIELD somehow but all the documents have been covered up. So once she manages to get access to the super secret computers, which not only involved not trusting in the system but also corrupting her fellow teammate Simmons to be a bad girl and break the rules, the first thing Skye does is not go look for information about her friends but information about her parents. Her friends, Ward and Fitz who have been her excuse and how she emotionally manipulated Simmons into helping, are not Skye's first concern. With only seconds left, Skye goes to get their information, but only after she's dealt with her own private affairs. And to add insult to injury, Skye does all this after Coulson has implored her to leave well enough alone, let the system handle it. Coulson, you're better than this. Drop her already.

Meanwhile Ward and Fitz have, I don't know, broken into some sort of facility with relative ease. And there is the Big Bad Weapon. I have no idea what it does. Something really horrible that will destroy SHIELD's weapons or something. Fitz and Ward must work together (a theme!) to take apart the weapon. At this point, Ward informs Fitz that there is no extraction team in place. They are on their own. No idea why. That's never explained. But it is the one thing Skye learns from her hacking. And it freaks the team out. Cause you know, this is a team! And the team must stick together! You can't leave Brain/Brawn in some foreign country with insurgents on their tail. That's just not very team like, now is it? So, our SHIELD team decides to take matters into their own hands and goes to rescue Ward and Fitz, which they do in remarkable time. Seriously, I know the ever-flying plane is super powerful but can you really get to "former Russian satellite" country that fast? Whatever. The plane swoops in and saves the Brain/Brawn duo. Huzzah! And then, to further the idea of being a team, Skye doesn't get in trouble for her hacking, instead she gets what she wants. Coulson reveals a small part of Skye's past: a SHIELD agent dropped her off at the orphanage at a young age but they don't know if this was her mother or not. But he won't stop looking, he is going to help Skye. WHY?! She's done nothing but be a burden to you and your team. She doesn't follow rules, she lies, she deceives and she ultimately cares more about herself than any of you.

Miscellaneous Notes on "The Hub"

--Maybe my shortest review ever? I can't with this show right now.

--Fitz and Simmons need to get over whatever hang ups they are holding on to and just be together already. It's painfully obvious.

--I will admit to laughing at some of the spy situations. "We're being tracked by dogs and you brought a prosciutto sandwich?" (with buffalo mozzarella cheese)

--The only interesting part of this episode came at the end with two scenes. First, May and Coulson know more than they are letting on about Skye's past but some secrets must be kept. Not very team worthy, guys. And second, Coulson is finally trying to look into what happened to him in "Tahiti" but has been denied access, despite him being level 8. This is what SHIELD should be focusing on. Coulson is really why everyone is watching still. Give us more of him!

In Which I Review Sleepy Hollow (1x7)

"Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year. He said to his friend, "If the British march
By land or sea from the town to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch
Of the North Church tower as a signal light,--
One if by land, and two if by sea;"
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Paul Revere's Ride"
 
If last week's episode of Sleepy Hollow was a massive info-dump, then this week was an attempt to find some sort of middle ground: give out a ton of information but also have quiet in-between moments that were full of character instead of plot. We didn't really need several scenes of Captain Irving and Abbie trying to explain Thomas Jefferson's affair with Sally Hemings to Ichabod, but it was fun to watch. This weeks episode of Sleepy Hollow, "The Midnight Ride," is a strange one (aren't they all) because there really was no theme with which to work. They sampled a few things here and there: knowledge, fear of the unknown, and even some political points about paying for items that should be "free" like water. Overall, the episode was trying to get the plot from point A (the dissolution of Ichabod and the Headless Horseman) to point B (the capturing of the Horseman by the Two Witnesses). This episode is simply the path between the points. Because of that, expect this review to be brief. 

 
Apparently Paul Revere was almost axed down during his now famous midnight ride. These are things you don't find in history books. The episode opens with word that the "Regulars" are coming (the British) and then moves to find Revere and his gang being chased down by the still headed Horseman, slicing through Revere's companions in an attempt to get to Paul himself. We'll get to why in a bit, but the episode was basically a chess game between Ichabod/Abbie and the Horseman. One of them makes a move and the other retaliates. Move one came last week when Ichabod managed to break his connection with the Headless Horseman with the help of the Sin Eater. The Horseman, sensing that his connection to Crane is gone, decides to take his revenge out on the Masons. There is a bit of a leap that somehow the Horseman knew the Masons were involved; I know Ichabod said that for 500 years the Masons have been engaged in a war against evil and therefore I guess I'm supposed to assume that the Horseman sees them as his natural enemy. But how does the Headless Horseman know where to go? For that matter, how does a Headless Horseman see well enough to cut off the heads of four Mason brothers and then later string them up as creepy Head-o-lanters?

Where was I? Oh, right. Suspend, Jacquelyn, suspend! Anyway, the Horseman chops off several heads but manages to get away before Abbie and Ichabod can get to the Mason home. Captain Iriving shows up and does his typical song and dance about how he can't have these two out looking for a headless horseman because it's so implausible and instead they should treat these murders as ritual killings. The Captain keeps doing this which is why I've suspected him in the past of being in league with Katrina and working for the Dark Coven, but thankfully this week, he eventually snapped out of it once he was being gunned down by a Headless Man in colonial dress. Ichabod and Abbie realize that the Horseman is after his head, which is still being analyzed at a lab. The Captain draws the line at destroying evidence in a murder case but does agree to go down to the lab and check on it. And the Horseman follows him? No really, how did the Horseman know where the head was and where the Captain was going? Surviving his shootout with the Horseman, Captain Irving is now a believer and agrees to help Ichabod and Abbie stop the Horseman. Meanwhile, Abbie and Ichabod have discovered that a mysterious book probably has a great many answers but the pages have been torn out (naturally). The pages are part of a document written in code that tells how to trap death using a witch who can move the moon and make it daytime because daylight is the Horseman's only weakness.

Ok then. Sure, why not. Back to Paul Revere. The document in code was given to Revere and that's why the Horseman was chasing him. The document today is in a museum but luckily it was uploaded to the internet for all to view. Ah, 21st century living. With me so far? Headless Horseman wants head in order to bring about the end of day because once reunited, Death can join up with the rest of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse; the head is now in the possession of Ichabod and Abbie who devise a cunning plan to trap death using fake sunlight, an idea they got from a manuscript written in code and given to Paul Revere before his midnight ride. Really, it's perfectly logical. This show will never take itself seriously, which is part of its charm. It's mythology is convoluted and confusing and frankly downright stupid, but it works because the show isn't trying to sell me a legitimate piece of art as thought provoking. It is selling me nonsense with a side of cute Ichabbie moments. One more little plot point: Sulu Andy Brooks made a return. Do you remember him? The guy who was working for Death and then got his head snapped. He basically stalked Abbie this episode, warding off people who tried to get close to her like her ex Luke Moralas. He gave a lot of cryptic warnings and then would vanish into the great unknown.

Eventually, they get the Horseman to the cemetery and there is a little chase scene where Abbie and Ichabod try to outsmart the Horseman with fake heads. And then Ichabod and Abbie lead the Headless Horseman into a trap using the oldest play in the book: pretend to be hurt so the monster comes to you, but then manage to trap him. The Headless Horseman is now trapped by the fake ultraviolet lights and chains (yes, you should think this is hysterical) and it's time to begin the inquisition. So why did this episode work? Well to be sure, not because of the plot. It was the adorable moments that made this episode worth watching. Ichabod going on and on about how water shouldn't be priced and wanting to know how the courts settled the great water debate. It was Abbie listening to all this with a straight face and then telling Ichabod he could drink the water from the taps if he wanted free arsenic too, much to Ichabod's horror. It was the trip to the museum of colonial history where Ichabod decided to do a rant about how everything was wrong. It was Ichabod trying to make a computer work and discovering gun websites and porn. Ichabod and Abbie have an undeniable chemistry that is just plain entertaining to watch and the writers know it. Did we really need a gag about Ichabod slurping through a straw? No of course not. But it was funny to watch. And that's really all Sleepy Hollow is trying to be: fun.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Midnight Ride 

--"You cannot kill death but you can trap him." I can't even take that seriously. However, watching Ichabod and Abbie come up with ways to destroy Death's skull was highly amusing: hammers, acid, TNT, ect

--"I have good news. The manuscript is online."
(deadpan) "That is excellent news"
"You have no idea what that means, do you?"

--Ichabod discovering online porn. Poor man.

--"All we really get is one another." Ichabbie is adorable.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (3x7)

Filler, on TV, is defined as an episode that does little to nothing to advance the overall plot or continue the characters emotional development. When you have to write 22 episodes a season, chances are that will have the occasional filler episode that falls a little flat. I'm not sure if I'd classify this weeks episode of Once Upon A Time, "Dark Hollow," as filler per se, but to be sure it wasn't as good as last week's "Ariel." The main problem seems to be that we are more or less going in circles. Every effort to #SaveHenry ends up taking another tangent--we must find Tinkerbell; we must find Bae's cave; we must #SaveCharming; we must #SaveNeal; and now we must capture a magical flying shadow and trap it in a coconut. (wow does that sound weird). While this does advance the plot to eventually get out of Neverland, the main focus was not the actual capturing of the shadow but instead on the increasingly weary love triangle of CaptainSwanFire. So my take on the Neverland events of this episode are less than pleasing; however, I did enjoy the Storybrooke aspects, if only because it gave us a chance to get out of the dark, back into the light, and my one true pairing (OTP) had a small little reunion. 

BeautyFish

First, how great is it to see my two favorite Disney Princesses on screen together? I am five years old at heart and this is basically a dream come true. Belle needs a friend; she has never really integrated into the Storybrooke Family. She's the odd girl out in a lot of ways--she's the true love of the Dark One, a man who spent 300 years terrorizing most of the inhabitants in an effort to get his Curse cast and find his son. She is the only person who not only understands Rumple, but loves him through and through. Belle has never had much screen time with any of the other cast members because her story is really a reflection of Rumple. It's a big complaint of the fandom who love her and love her for more than just Rumbelle. So for Belle to now have a friend is a nice development and the fact that it's Ariel is just epic. We start this episode in the past, our only flashback for the episode. Because these writers HATE me, apparently, they made me watch Rumple leave Belle on the docks again. Because I didn't scream and cry for a week after it happened in May. (yes, I totally did. Don't judge me. This couple has me under their spell). Rumple has left Belle with a protection spell; he trusts only her to cast the spell and ensure that Storybrooke is safe from other members of the Home Office who are coming.

Belle's confidence is shaken. She tries so hard to be a hero and it never seems to go quite right. Of course, this is largely not her fault. Belle has a nasty habit of being captured, tied up, held prisoner, or shot by errant pirates. And now, Belle has had to watch the love of her life sail away, leaving her behind, claiming that he is going to his death. Poor girl can't catch a break. Let's not forget, it was only moments ago that she even got her memories back from being Racy Lacey. So when it comes time to put up the barrier spell, she is nervous about being able to perform the task. Thankfully, Sneaky Fairy is there to tell her to just believe. So Sneaky Fairy, what is going on inside your head right now? Are you worried? Are you happy? Are you going to become some sort of tyrannical overlord, demanding that the residents of Storybrooke pay you homage? However, cast the spell Belle does. Did you catch the obvious "Under the Dome" reference? It wasn't subtle. So long as Max No-Last-Name doesn't suddenly appear in the middle of the street demanding that Belle and Ariel fight to the death for a candy bar, I'll leave the reference alone.

However, Belle's hesitation allows two mysterious men in a shiny red car to pass over the line and into Storybrooke. I've known for sometime that these two men were coming and I've long suspected that they were the Darling Brothers, John and Michael. One is wearing glasses, the other has a teddy bear keychain swinging from this rear view mirror. My other theory is that these two men are responsible for getting Little Henry to Storybrooke 11 years go. After Emma gave birth, the baby had to be stolen away into the night and taken to a town that doesn't exist. This was all part of Pan's plan; he had to make sure Henry would grow up in Storybrooke, eventually seek out Emma, who would break the Curse thereby allowing his minions to get into town and take Henry. Their current mission? Find out why Ariel is in Storybrooke and make sure that whatever object Rumple wants never makes it back to Neverland. We'll talk more about their motivations in a second.

Rumple gives Ariel a sand dollar to present to Belle. I have been waiting for a Rumbelle reunion for months. MONTHS, ok? Vision!Belle was great the first time around but then Pan had to go and ruin it by having his shadow impersonate Belle and after that, all I wanted was a real reunion. Well, this is as close as we were going to get until the Jolly Roger gang sails back into town. The sand dollar contains a message from Rumple (sigh) in which he tells Belle that he has found another way to defeat Pan without dying in the process (sigh) but he needs an object from his shop; this object is hidden away and Belle will only find it with the power of their love (I died). There was no question about what this meant, really. Rumbelle have an actual tangible metaphorical symbolic object: Chip. Chip is a little tea cup who has survived just about everything that has been thrown at it: being dropped by Belle, almost being smashed by Rumple, being captured by Moe at Regina's suggestion, actually being smashed by Amnesiac!Belle, and then finally healed and cured by Rumple. It is very much tied to the overall Rumbelle story, as Belle puts it: "no matter how much its been through, it survived. Just like our love." (it was at this point during my rewatch that I started crying). The cup leads Belle to a secret trap door in the shop where Rumple has hidden a very interesting little object: Pandora's box.

While I have high hopes that the magical object in question will play a vital role in the arc, this is where ONCE always has problems: too many magical objects that are only useful for an episode or two and then are never expanded upon. We will probably never learn more about the Pegasus sail or sextant of "Good Form." We will never see the magical compass of Season 2 ever again. I hope Pandora's box isn't given the same treatment. So, Pandora then. This is a pretty common myth, one that most people learn in grade school. Pandora, was gifted with curiosity by the gods (Zeus knew what was going to happen but Zeus being Zeus...) and was also given a box (actually it was a jar, but let's leave the Greek vocab lessons at home) and told not to open it. Of course she did and evil spilled out, but Pandora shut the lid on the box/jar before Hope could escape. What does our box hold? It's a good question and a bit confusing. Belle says that according to legend it held the world's darkest evil, but if it's Pandora's box then hasn't it already been opened? Meaning that the only thing left inside is hope. Why does Rumple want a box of hope? Will the hope restore light to Neverland? Will it "cure" Pan? Of course at this point Glasses and Keychain decide to show up and tie Belle and Ariel up and steal the box. These two are not like Greg and Tamara of before: they know who they are working for, Peter Pan. They are not merely lackies. They take the box, intent on destroying it. Belle and Ariel break free and go after them and we learn why the two men are doing all this: Pan has their sister. For over a century, Pan has been holding Wendy Darling captive and has forced John and Michael into service. If they can prevent Rumple from killing Pan then Peter will let their sister go. But Belle, being Belle, manages to convince the brothers to join their side with the promise that Rumple will save Wendy. The box is sent back to Neverland with Ariel. Regina re-enchants Ariel's bracelet so that she can have legs whenever she wants; before Ariel can swim back to Storybrooke and find her Prince, Rumple gives Ariel one final message: "tell Belle I love her and that I will see her again." Dear readers, you really don't want to know what this did to me. Sufficient to say that there was a lot of hugging of random objects and crying. (I need help).

It's a Trap! 

It's good to know that the magic mirror conversation in "Good Form" between Henry and family actually helped Henry hold on to the hope and belief that his family was coming for him. He is now less open to Pan's suggestions, something Pan doesn't like and needs to rectify. Time to bring in the other person in the cage. This whole plan of Pan's to get Henry to do what he wants was overly contrived and I'm pretty disappointed that Henry fell for it. Of course he'd want to help the person in the cage but he should have realized it was a trap all along. The boy has seen TV, I assume? Whenever the bad guy says loudly, "make sure (the good guy) doesn't follow you!" it's pretty obvious what is going on. But still Henry trails Felix through the woods; Felix, who is walking just slow enough, through a perfectly clear path, for Henry to follow. Seriously, kid. You're the son of two thieves and adopted son of the Evil Queen. All this following ends with the revelation of who was in the cage to begin with: was anyone surprised that it was Wendy "Bird" Darling? I've known for sure that it was her for sometime now but I'm guessing it wasn't too hard to put together.

Wendy Darling tells Henry that magic is leaving Neverland and it's killing her. For reasons. Honestly, I was just confused as to why a 13 yr old who has been kept in a cage this whole time wasn't looking worse for the wear. I love Freya Tingly, but she was far too clean, blonde and healthy looking. Unless Pan hasn't been keeping her in a box for 100 years? Henry of course will do whatever it takes to save the girl; it's part of who Henry is. He wants to be a hero, a warrior, someone out of this beloved stories. Also, he's 11. ELEVEN. If I see any serious HenWen shippers....ugh. However, I do think this scene effectively kills the Pandy ship. "Now, get back to your cage!" Oh my. Pan is an evil evil little boy. I was creeped out by his instance that Wendy stay in her cage. The fact that Wendy hasn't aged at all from her 13 yr old self makes me wonder if Wendy ever left Neverland. We know the Shadow can impersonate humans, so who is to say that when Wendy Darling came back home in Season 2 "Second Star to the Right" that it wasn't the Shadow playing a trick in order to get Baelfire to Neverland.

Dante's Forgotten Level of Hell: The Love Triangle 

Let's get the plot part out of the way because I want to talk about Hook and Neal's relationship and the 180 this show has done in a matter of two episodes. Neal's plan is to capture the shadow in a coconut. The shadow can take them home because it can fly. I really hope this isn't how they actually get home. It needs to be the Jolly Roger flying with pixie dust. The shadow lives in a place called Dark Hollow (sorry Emma, no "Sunshine Valley" or "Rainbow Cove"). This is the darkest place on the island, so dangerous that even Hook avoided it. Neal however went there as a boy to get out of Neverland. The trio of awkward, Neal, Hook and Emma, head out but only after Hook informs Neal that he and Emma had "a dalliance" and kissed. Of course this shakes Neal. Hook is the man with whom his mother ran off, leaving his father an even more broken man which eventually lead to Rumple becoming the Dark One and ect. Now the mother of his child and the woman he loves more than anything is kissing this leather clad pirate? Neal is trying to keep it together but these men are just not capable of doing that and a fight ensues. Of course it happens right when the shadow begin to swarm them. The level of testosterone of that fight was disgusting. They aren't fighting over who gets to light the coconut, they are fighting over Emma. "I must prove that I am the man for you by getting this candle lit!" And all it does is piss Emma off, cause the two men to be captured by shadows (and almost have their own shadows ripped off in the process) and then Emma has to light her own candle using the magic Regina taught her (do you hear that? That is the sound of the SwanQueen fandom dying happy death and convincing themselves that Emma and Regina are true love).

I was so proud of Emma reading both men the riot act after the manage to escape Dark Hollow, Pan's shadow trapped inside the coconut. All she cares about right now is Henry. He is all she can handle. I know it seems weird to the audience, but for Emma it has only been about 9 months since she even came to Storybrooke. Emma will choose Henry every time. The rest of this triangle nonsense doesn't mean anything right now because all Emma can handle is saving Henry. Speaking of choosing, let's talk CaptainFire and Hook's "declaration" that he will "win" Emma. I have a major problem with the way Hook has done a 180 in the past few episodes. For the first four episodes of the season, he was just in as much mourning for Nealfire as Emma was. This was a boy whom Hook wanted to raise, a boy he considered to be like a son to him. And now suddenly it is as if all that is water under the bridge and Neal is nothing more than a object in the way of his desire: Emma. It makes no sense given what we've seen in the first few episode and more to the point, all the interviews Colin (Hook) has given in regards to CaptainFire (trust me, I've read them all). Colin has been adamant that the reason CSF is so complicated is because Hook does love Nealfire as his son. And yet right now Hook is acting like a controlling ass and that Emma is a prize to be won.

I did not find his speech romantic at all. I found it possessive. Let's talk Hook's psychology for a second. The man has a bit of OCD. He becomes obsessed very easily. Now in many ways, this is keeping with Hook's original characterization in the novels where he is obsessed with killing Peter Pan and maintaining good form. The same can be said of our Hook; as a naval officer he was obsessed with good form in his men--proper dress and no drinking. Then he (very quickly) became a pirate where he was obsessed with being the best thieving pirate he could be, despite only a short time earlier being an incredibly clean cut gentleman. Then Milah came into and out of his life and his obsessive personality becomes even more clear. After Rumple killed Milah, Hook spent close to 300 years in Neverland plotting his revenge. Nothing else mattered, just finding a way to avenge Milah. He was obsessed with getting information about how to kill Rumple, even taking young Baelfire aboard and trying to get information out of him--of course, Hook wasn't counting of growing close to Bae. So his speech to Emma as the trio of awkward heads to the Dark Hollow is just another show of being a possessive obsessed pirate. He doesn't tell Emma that he loves her or that he's wants to have a shot with her; he declares that he WILL win her heart and that she MUST choose between him and Neal. I'm sorry but what? Emma is free to do whatever she wants. She can choose to love you or Neal or Regina or another man altogether. Hook believes that every woman must be dying of love for him; there is no question in his mind that he can win Emma because he's Hook, why wouldn't he be able to? I found it disturbing at best that Hook thinks he can just make proclamations like that and expect to get away with it. And then when Emma read the two boys the riot act and told them that Henry was her only focus, Neal apologized (twice) but Hook just sulked away looking miffed that Emma hadn't noticed how brave he had been. I am beginning to think that Hook doesn't actually care about saving Henry. To him, saving Henry is just the road to getting Emma. Neal has been apologizing again and again for what he did to Emma, but Hook has yet to say anything about the role he played in Henry getting kidnapped, or leaving everyone to die in Storybrooke. He is being whitewashed like crazy by the writers and I am only growing more resentful of it. And in the end, it is only Neal with whom Emma's interests align. Neal's, "let go save our son" is exactly on point with Emma. Neal had a bad moment in which all his childhood issues were brought to light with Hook's "yeah we kissed" moment but he can take a step back and realize that Henry is the only thing that matters. Hook, on the other hand, acts like a petulant child because he didn't get his way.

Miscellaneous Notes on Dark Hollow

--Snow and Charming finally had their first real fight. The fight felt very real, despite it being about magic. Of course Snow would stay with Charming in Neverland and he knows that but he doesn't want that for her. It wouldn't be fair of him to ask. "Love is sacrifice," Charming says. Ever the white knight, he is.

--Good to see Tinkerbell again. And no, there is no FireFairy ship. And why? Because Bae was 14 when they met and that's wrong. They are more than welcome to be friends but to link them romantically is just ew.

--I liked Regina's incredulous, "you (Rumple) really love her (Belle)." All this time, Regina has seen Rumple as just the Dark One, she's never been able to see behind the mask he wears. It surprises her that Rumple can love someone so deeply. And of course Rumple is spot on that Regina is jealous that she doesn't have someone. OutlawQueen: it's coming!

--Ariel was in Gold's shop and said, "look at this stuff." Oh the joy!

--And one more time, "tell Belle I love her and she was right. I will see her again." (I die)