In Which I Review Once Upon a Time (3x21 and 3x22)

 Praise Heaven. This season is over. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted by this show. Over the past 11 episodes, I've lost my favorite character, a 'ship I loved dearly, and been confused, angered, and frustrated by the lack of coherent storytelling coupled with insane plot devices and lightening fast character development. So naturally, they gave me a two hour season finale to analyze and review. Here's what you need to know about the two episodes, "Snow Drifts" and "There's No Place Like Home": this was a two hour long CaptainSwan movie. I'm not actually joking. I want to see stats on how much time the other characters had compared to Emma and Hook. Season finales are supposed to be big emotional upheavals for everyone, but instead we went back to the past. Cause now we do time travel, guys. How do I feel about this finale? A resounding "whatever." I've spent all week gearing up for this--I had an inkling that this would be the episode to break me and while I didn't loathe it, it's also exactly what I expected. How do I feel about this show right now? I have no idea. I find that I almost don't care about any of the characters anymore--Rumple is clearly never going to change; Regina is going back to Evil Queen mode; Snowing will continue to be written poorly and idiotic; Belle will be exposition girl when it is called for; Hook and Emma are now the heroes living their own fairy tale; and Henry? Henry will remain the most under developed and under used character ever. Let's just do this. 

We're Going To Need A Bigger Delorean

One of my wishes for the longest time has been to see more of Emma's life--what she was like as a kid. I sorta got my wish with the opening scene of adolescent Emma in the group home. Emma has always been my favorite female character. I find (sorry, found) her compelling and interesting, the lost girl who had such intense abandonment issues, unaware of her destiny, trying to be a mother and figure out what she wanted for herself. Emma was the woman who wore the red leather jacked and killed a dragon. But slowly, over the past season, she's turned into some sort of weak willed woman who can't think straight. She still plans to go back to New York City--which makes no sense for one reason: Henry. Legally, he's Regina's son. She's not actually allowed to pack him up and go back to NYC. If Emma doesn't want to be the Savior anymore, ok fine. But she cannot take that boy away from his mother who loved him (and can roast people with a fireball). Emma spends a lot of time deflecting the NYC question by trying to learn her brother's name, which apparently can only be revealed in a giant ceremony, held...in Granny's. The party seems nice, lots of drinking and lasagna and characters we haven't seen in a very long time--like Kathryn. HINT: she's important this episode! Even though they have totally forgotten Kathryn even existed for an entire two seasons. So why the big party? Yeah, it's not actually for the newborn prince. It's really because we need to give the audience a lot of exposition about events in the past because they matter now and chances are your audience members don't really remember the third episode of season one.

See the ring on Snow's hand? We're going to be following it. Ok, let's break down the episode "Snow Falls" (1x03) because chances are none of you remember it, hence the overly long "here's what you need" in-show between the Charming family. "Snow Falls" is the story of how Charming and Snow met in the past. Snow was a bandit on the run and robbed Charming, taking his mother's wedding ring, which Charming planned to present to his future bride--who at the time was Abigail, daughter to King Midas. Charming goes after Snow, claiming he will always find her, and eventually catches her in a net. The two then embark together to get back the ring from trolls. During this adventure, they fall in love; though they part in the end, they remember each other and over the course of the rest of S1 we see how they find each other time and time again, eventually leading to the True Love's Kiss that has become a staple of the show. Got all that? Good, cause we're going to erase it all. (Again, I'm not kidding). But before we can, Emma has to have one more moment of "I want to leave!!"

I hate to say it, but I agree with Hook here. Emma's running because it is what she always does. She's scared that she's found a home and so she's trying to return to the fake one in NYC. Emma tells Hook that until Henry came into her life, she's never been apart of anything. Which is a load of crap, Emma Swan. It's a load of crap, especially when your definition of home comes from Neal Cassidy. And that's not me being a shipper. That's me watching this episode. Emma says, "I learned something a long time ago...Home is the place when you leave, you just miss it." And where did you learn that lesson, Ms Swan? From a certain thief? But the point remains that Emma doesn't see herself in the world of fairy tales, princesses and princes. She may have been born there, but she's a real world girl. Of course, Emma loves her parents and cares about the inhabitants of Storybrooke, but she doesn't think she'll miss it when she leaves. All of this in depth psychology is interrupted when Hook and Emma notice a giant glowing light. It's the time portal, of course, and because we're being predictable, Emma and Hook fall through it. I'm sure there is some sort of parallel going on here since in 221 (Second Star to the Right) Emma looses Neal down a portal and now in 321 (Snow Drifts) she is lost down a portal, but Hook falls in after her. But I don't care. They've tainted my SwanFire portal scene.

So there was a whole point to the retelling of "Snow Falls" in Granny's diner? Well how about that! Yes, Marty Emma and Hook end up in the Enchanted Forest of the past, right around the time when Snow and Charming meet for the first time. This part of the episode wasn't terrible, to be honest. They quickly figure out that they need to find Rumple because he's a wizard and there is some witty banter about red leather jackets and some clothing changes. This is how I picture Hook and Emma: best friends who snark. Their lifestyles are too incompatible to ever work together (he's still a pirate after all, isn't he?) but they would totally rock it in a buddy cop movie. A few things happen here that you'll need to remember. First, a woman is captured by Regina for helping Bandit Snow. This woman bears a striking resemblance to a certain lady love back in "Lacey" where we met Robin Hood. Goodness, it's Maid Marian isn't it? Ok that's event number one. Event number two is bigger and more disastrous. Charming's carriage is coming down the road, like it should, and Snow is in her tree, as she should be. Emma and Hook are hiding out of sight, watching. It's all very sweet and everything is going according to plan. I like that Emma gets to see this and you can tell she's very moved by it. Emma knows her parent's story but I don't think she's actually given it much thought over the years. It's just a story, in the end. It's a fairy tale and she doesn't belong to that world. But then..oh, but then. Reader, if you ever find yourself in the past watching your parents almost meet to ensure that you will eventually be born, MIND THAT YOU DON'T BREAK A STICK. Emma breaks a twig while watching Snow and Charming and the next thing she knows, Snow falls out of a tree, never meets Charming and history is broken. Way to go, Savior. Way to go. So now we've got two people who are supposed to met and have the ultimate true love, never meet and only a short time to fix it. Time to find a Wizard.

Hook and Emma make their way to the Dark One's castle but Rumple must have super handy dandy alarms cause he manages to sneak up on them. My Imp is quite thrilled with himself, isn't he? He caught himself a pirate! Now here's an issue. Emma knows they have history, and bad history at that. But no one can decide how much she knows. Does she know that Hook sold Bae to the Lost Boys? Does she know that Milah was Bae's mother? Or does she just think that Rumple randomly killed Hook's first love for no reason? The answer to these questions will probably always be up in the air because this episode firmly cemented that Milah, Hook's first and true love, will never be brought up ever again. She doesn't exist. Forget about her, guys. I do enjoy that Rumple takes one look at Hook and is just, "lol. Nope. You're gonna die." Emma does get Rumple to stop by mentioning Baelfire. Sigh. Rip my heart out. It's easier than this. Rumple's face when he learns that he will eventually find his son is just shattering because he doesn't know what is going to happen to our Nealfire. But there is now a problem; Emma's parents haven't met, meaning Emma is never born, meaning there is no one to break the Curse, meaning Rumple will never find Bae. Got all that? This is why Rumple decides to help: because everything, at this point in his character development, is about Baelfire. Even though he's clearly smitten with Belle in her very brief appearance at the castle, everything is about Baelfire. Keep this in mind when we get to the biggest OOC moment of this season. Rumple tells Emma and Hook that in order to get Charming and Snow to meet, they have to ensure that Snow steals the ring from Charming and hijinks ensue. Why the ring? Well besides it being a very important symbolic object for the couple, it's also worth a lot of money. And if Snow can sell it, she can take a ship and get out of the Enchanted Forest.

And now we come to the genuinely bizarre portion of our program: 2 Hook's. Snow needs a pirate ship and Past!Hook just happens to have one. There is so much going on here that I'd be really surprised if the general audience didn't just turn off their sets at his point. So Emma has to distract Past! Hook with drinking and flirting and rubbing certain phallic objects while Present! Hook has to go to the Jolly Roger and talk Bandit Snow into stealing a ring from Prince Charming which is an elaborate ruse to get Snow and Charming to meet. And then there is shenanigans because Past! Hook and Present! Hook meet and Emma is kissing Hook and Hook is jealous of Hook and OMG. THIS IS WHY WE DON'T DO TIME TRAVEL ON THIS SHOW!!. So Present! Hook is jealous of Past! Hook who got to smooch Emma a lot. Okay then. Sure. What is wrong with this picture? Oh, I know. Hook was supposed to be seeking revenge on Milah!! He was supposed to be celibate and and focused solely on Milah. Everything we know remains the same: Hook still goes to Belle's tower and tries to get information about Rumple; Hook still forms an alliance with Cora. All of it is for Milah, but here he is "whoring" it up in the Enchanted Forest as if she never existed! Like I said, the writers are trying very hard to make you forget Milah.

So now that Snow is set on her mission to get the ring back from Charming, the question is where does this all go down. Why a massive ball of course!! Why? Because reasons. It's an engagement party for Charming and Abigail and Hook and Emma manage to "score" an invite. Really, this felt like an excuse to have Hook and Emma dance while Emma wore a very pretty dress. I mean, is there a point? Shouldn't they be focused on the mission at hand instead of deciding to dance to a Waltz (that wasn't a waltz--waltzes are in 3/4 time)? The trick to dancing is to let your partner do all the work. There's some sort of sexist metaphor here, I'm sure, but it's a tortured one and one I just don't care about. I spent all week preparing for this episode and frankly, I'm done with a lot of this shippy nonsense. Regina shows up at the party dressed in finest catsuit (my god, woman, do you own anything that doesn't look like it was painted on you?) and things go...wrong. Very wrong. Charming finds Snow breaking into his room and there is a scuffle and someone alerts Regina. Now, Snow gets away but she leaves the ring behind, which Emma finds. Does this sound like I'm rushing through the plot? Well I sort of am. So much of this episode was stock footage of "Snow Falls" and because this show would never be truly innovative, you know it's going to work out in the end, so there is almost no point talking about it. In a lot of way this episode is just filler. It's an exercise is giving fans their fanfic come to life but has little to do with the arc this season. So, you can guess where it goes from here, right? Snow gets away, but Emma (ring in hand) is captured by Regina who throws her into a cell and Hook now has to save Emma. And that's where the first episode ends. The second episode is all about home, and what that means to Emma. What is home to Emma Swan? Well...

Do I have a kick me sign on my back? Cause of course Emma got her idea of home from Neal. And I have one conclusion: this episode was supposed to be SwanFire. Neal was supposed to go back in time with Emma. Why? Because Neal has always been the one to show Emma what love and family and hope are. Emma's speech in the first half about how home is the place when you leave, you miss it? Yeah, line for line from this moment with Neal. This moment takes place the very first night they met, in Portland. They broke into a carousel and sat under the stars in the rain and realized how alike they were: bad family situation, rough life that messed them up. But they want a home. This was absolutely supposed to be the SwanFire reunion episode. Last year ended with Emma loosing Neal over a portal and declaring her love and this year would be the road back to each other and second chances. Neal was her home. And now, after being a hero and sacrificing his life for the woman he loves, Emma gets to have a life with another. Just rip out my heart, I don't need it anymore.

Emma winds up in a jail cell next to Maid Marian, the woman from earlier. Yes, it's Maid Marian, Robin Hood's love and mother to Roland. Marian and Emma are due to die the next day; in the history that wasn't changed, Marian always died; she is targeted for death, but Emma Swan has a hard time letting an innocent die (except for Neal). Using what Neal taught her (WHY), Emma breaks them out of jail just as Hook was attempting a rescue, with Red and Charming in tow. Go with it. There are reasons they are there, I'm sure. Meanwhile, Snow has descended on Regina in her bedroom to try and kill her with the magic fairy dust. This is a dumb idea, Snow. You really think you can hurl some dust at Regina before she manages to block it? No. All you're going to do is anger her even more and get caught. And now for a writing issue: Snow shouldn't know that Daniel is dead in this scene. Snow learns what happens to Daniel much later, right before she eats the apple. So Snow's speech about how she didn't know that Daniel would die is nonsensical and of course she is captured and "she dies tonight." Dramatic much, Regina? And yeah, then she kills Snow White by burning her at the stake.

Except of course she is not really dead! If she were really dead, Emma would vanish off the face of the planet. Snow was clever for once and used the magic fairy dust to transform herself into a bug and then my favorite Blue Fairy came along and actually managed to do something for a change! Blue is literally the deus ex machina here--she descends from on high, does some sort of handwaving and POOF! Once again, there is a lot going on here that is long and dragged out because it's really just a rehash of Season One. Snow and Charming end up at the troll bridge. Snow and Charming end up falling in love while Emma and Hook watch. Frankly, there are parts I just didn't need because it wasn't anything new. It was actually stock footage from the previous S1 episode and if I wanted to watch that, I would. At this point, I just want to get back to Storybrooke. But before we do, Emma decides to bring Maid Marian with them because it's just not right that she die! Now, this is a problem isn't it? Robin and Marian are loves, probably true loves. And Robin is sitting back in Storybrooke, having begun a relationship with Regina and is falling head over heels for her. So here comes Emma Swan deciding to be the hero and Regina gets screwed out of a love life. Like mother, like daughter, Emma.

Let's try to wrap this up quickly, shall we? Emma and Hook go to Rumple, who is now declining to help them travel back to the future because only the person who opened the portal can reopen, so unless Emma has magic, they are stuck (this makes no sense as Zelena is dead and she is the one who opened it in the first place!) And then for reasons passing all understanding, Rumple zaps Hook and Emma to the Vault of Eternal Goo. I want to say that this was a good moment up until the ultimate OOC extravaganza. Emma needs her magic back. If she gets her magic back, then they can use the Black Fairy's wand and open the portal. Emma is our stand in for Dorothy this season in a metaphorical "lost girl trying to get home" situation. Emma has to wish for her home in order to get back to it. She realizes how much she loves her parents (having just watched one almost die) and that Storybrooke is her home, now. It really is. And once that happens, the time portal opens. Hook and Marian go through, but Rumple manages to stop Emma and demands to know what happened to Neal. Emma tells Rumple everything, about how Neal died a hero. And this is where I became a giant squid of anger: "I loved him too. I wanted to save him. But he died a hero, don't take that away from him." So, Emma can interfere with Marian's destiny and save her from certain death, but with Neal, it's not possible? And then there is Rumple with a choice: memory potion to forget everything or finding a way to save Neal. This is PAST Rumple. This is the Rumple who wanted to tear worlds apart for his son. No matter what this person from the future is telling him, he wouldn’t give up Baelfire and any knowledge he might get–especially in regards to his death. So while I get that it would have caused problems in SB and present day, the fact is Rumple is acting a little OOC right here for me. Dark One Rumple would have said “screw this Savior and her future” and remembered that Neal dies in an effort to try and prevent it. So the moral here is : Neal--- dead. Emma--- hypocrite. Rumple-- OOC.

So Hook and Emma arrive back in Storybrooke and it's time for the ship drama. Ready? 1) Captain Swan is now endgame. There is a lot of kissing and I'm not even going to bother commenting on it. I've been preparing for this. I don't ship it and I won't be shipping it. But whatever. 2) Marian is back in town, reunited with Robin, and Regina is ready to kill Emma because Emma has now ruined Regina's happily ever after with Robin. Time for a new love triangle. Because love triangles on this show go over so well when played out on screen. 3) Rumbelle gets married at the well. What?? Why? They just got engaged! And he is lying like crazy to her! And it sucks because their vows were actually perfect and wonderful, and I couldn't even enjoy them because of all the lying.

  
Oh and Elsa came to town. Because of course she did. Didn't I make some joke awhile back about how Elsa would be the season 4 big bad because she is what is new and popular right? Heh. Look at that.

I wonder how she is related to Henry.

Miscellaneous Notes on Snow Drifts/ There's No Place Like Home

--So much kissing this episode! What is this, a soap opera?

"You defeated Pan, you defeated Zelena, you broke Regina's curse!" Erm. No? Emma did one of those things, not all three. Speaking of which, what has Emma done lately to call herself the Savior? Nothing. She didn't take down Pan, Rumple did. She didn't take down Zelena, Regina did. What EXACTLY has she done all season, especially this back half?

--"What do I look like, Marty McFly?"
"Red leather jackets don't come into vogue here...ever"
 "Behold the Rolly Joger!"
"The only one who saves me, is me"

--How did these two idiots not break the entire timeline!!! They interfered with EVERYTHING.

--Hook traded the Jolly Roger for a bean to get to NYC. Are you kidding me?! There were beans?! And still Snow and Charming had to go all "dark curse" and Neal had to open the vault?!

--Baby Prince Neal. NOPE NOPE NOPE. "Here Emma! We named your baby brother after the man you repeatedly had sex with!"

--Just glad this season is over. Honestly, I don't have a lot of positive things to say so I'm not going to do a season in review.

See everyone in September

In Which I Review Mad Men (7x4)

"[Don] spent three weeks alone in that cave and he hasn't clubbed another ape yet."--Roger

Prepare yourselves. This weeks episode of Mad Men, "The Monolith," is heavily influenced by a piece of cinematic culture. Not that Mad Men doesn't often take cues from popular culture, but this week was decidedly more on-the-nose writing and allusions than in the past. If you didn't realize that this episode was one giant homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey, then hang your head in shame. The title alone should give it away. The movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, now considered a classic, came out in 1968; that's the year before the current setting of Mad Men. For example, not to give it all away in the intro, but the opening shot was of Don getting off the elevator. Across the hallway, the camera focused for a significant amount of time a jet black elevator. Significance? In 2001: A Space Odyssey, the monolith is a black oblong 3-D shape. What else is black and oblong? The giant computer being rolled into SC&P in the end shot. It's a fairly straight forward symbol. The monolith is the computer is the elevator is the monolith. The monolith serves as an invasive transition for the first primitive culture of herbivores that have trouble defending themselves to killing machines before transitioning all the way to space age explorers who run afoul of technology. Overall theme of the episode? Invasion, and those being invaded.    

I want to start with Roger, actually. Don is a much bigger story. Like Don, he is both an invader and invaded this episode. First, he is invaded by the problems of his wife and son-in-law. Roger is a pretty horrible ex-husband and father. If he can pass the buck, he will. Roger is the definition of a privileged white male. His father started a business; he's of old money; he gets to wine and dine accounts instead of actually doing a days work, and when he feels like it, he can throw his name and weight around to remind everyone that he's the President of SC&P. So when Mona shows up with the distressing (and yet somehow hysterical) news that Margaret has run away to live on a commune with a bunch of hippies, Roger's first response is to make Margaret's husband take care of it. "Let him be a man," Roger says. All of this comes back to bite him in the end when Margaret (excuse me, Marigold) will lay Roger's sins out for all to see. It's not about Brooks's being a man; it's about the fact that Roger can never be interested in his daughter enough to care. He doesn't want to do the work (keep this in mind for later), and so he looses. Roger has always been Don's future if Don doesn't change his ways (and doesn't die). They are doppelgangers and always have been. In the first few seasons of Mad Men, Mona and Roger served as a foreshadowing of what Betty and Don would be like in the future: cynical, out of love, and bitter. When Roger divorces Mona and marries Jane, his secretary, Don reads him the riot act. A few seasons later? Don and Betty divorce and Don marries his secretary, Meghan. They both have tempestuous relationships with their only daughters; if Don doesn't do the work, he will end up like Roger or worse.

When it turns out that Margaret's husband is totally inept, it's up to Roger and Mona to travel upstate to fetch their wayward daughter. Can we just talk about Mona and her fabulousness for a second? Here they are, on their way up to a hippie commune, and she's decked out like she's going to lunch at the Ritz. Perfectly quaffed hair, furs, and about 5 pounds of makeup (which she insists on retouching before meeting the dirty and pregnant hippies) on her face. Mona is convinced that not only has Margaret run away, but that her daughter now has a string of lovers and that all of them are on drugs. Now, to be fair to Mona, all of this turns out to be true. When we last left Margaret, she was having a very uncomfortable brunch with her father where she espoused the ideas of counterculture (while wearing designer clothing and eating at a fancy hotel restaurant). I didn't actually expect Margaret to go full on hippie, but I must say that I enjoy hippie Margaret infinitely more than spoiled, unappreciative, petulant Margaret. This wasn't an uncommon occurrence in the 1960s. Upper class white woman had more time on their hands, so they often sought out these new experiences like counterculture. Some dabbled, some did charity work, and some packed their bags, hopped in a van, and went to be one with Mother Earth. The sort of ennui that encapsulates Margaret's life is summed up in how her mother Mona presents the idea of motherhood: there are definitions and it's exhausting but those are the rules and you must abide. Well, Margaret doesn't pray to that anymore. Margaret and Mona have always been doppelgangers (there are a lot of those in this show); most of the time they are almost identically dressed and styled, so as to make them one person. Margaret is in danger of becoming Mona, pint of gin in a locked bathroom and all.

This entrance from Margaret was hilarious. This is a woman who dressed to the nines every time we saw her; who was her mother's perfect doll, in shape and appearance. And here she is: dirty, in cheap homespun clothing, with dirty hair. But look at her smile. It's genuine. Roger and Mona are now the invaders, coming into this little slice of counterculture, with their money and rules and establishments. They are trying to force the old on the new. But the new, well it marches on. Mona tries to talk to her daughter but Margaret (ok, I have to call her Marigold now) refuses to listen. She's happy, despite missing her son. "He can't be happy if I'm not happy." Marigold has enough experience with that; her parents were not shinning examples of a happy marriage. Mona ends up storming off, unable to deal with the commune, but Roger stays. Roger is more open than Mona, or so he thinks. Roger is the guy who dropped LSD in order to achieve enlightenment and since then has been living the counterculture lifestyle the only way he knows how, while still living in the lap of luxury. So, Roger stays behind and experiences Marigold's life. They peel potatoes, smoke weed, and talk about the dangers of electricity. Father and daughter end the night in the barn, watching the stars. I think Roger can see how happy Marigold is, and I think on some level he's happy for her. To him, this is no more dangerous that what he has been doing. There is some drugs, but there is freedom. It's only when Marigold slips out in the middle of the night for sex with a random hippie man that Roger gets protective and conservative.

Roger and Marigold literally end up rolling in the mud. Covered in dirt, Marigold shows just how much like her father she is. She may have left her four year old son, but Roger left her too. He walked out on the family long before he ever got divorced from Mona. He never took an interest in Margaret; his secretaries bought her birthday gifts, he never approved of her husband, he barely tolerated being in the same room with her and her mother. So, of course she ran. It's a learned experience. But the difference is that Roger is miserable. What does Roger have at the end of the day? No wife, no daughter, he's not respected at work despite being the President. And now he's covered in mud. But Margaret/Marigold? She got out. She gets to be happy, even if it means breaking with everything in her life. If Roger and Don are alike, are Margaret and Sally? Maybe but maybe not. Sally is much younger but that may not be a good thing. She's going to be entering her young adult years right at the heart of the counterculture movement. However, Sally knows her father's history and how alcohol and rule breaking has ruined what he once had. Sally may escape this unscathed.

Ok, Don's turn. It has been three weeks since Don returned to work at SC&P and he hasn't done anything. He was shunted to Lane's office, expected to sit there like a good boy, and not bother anyone. And Don has been behaving, thankfully. But something always happens to cause Don to slip. We knew it had to happen, right? The story picks up from last week in which Harry Crane wants a computer for the office and Jim Cutler agrees. There was a lot of dream like quality surrealism to this episode, beginning with a totally empty office and the phone that is hanging off it's hook, banging into the desk. It's supposed to create an atmosphere of dread and is evocative of the episode in which Kennedy died. You expect something to be horribly wrong, a death even. But it's nothing that major; SC&P is getting a giant computer to better serve their clients. Well, I suppose it is a death. The death of creativity, a theme that will be beaten into you this week.

The problem is that the computer is seen as a threat. The creative team is kicked out of their creative lounge to make way for the giant monolith. There is another theme going on here which is the death of creativity and the installation of machines to do what humans were doing. People like Jim Cutler who don't appreciate creative personalities think the computer is great but Peggy takes one look at it and knows that this is one more thing that she has to compete against. And in normal situations, this would be a time for Don and Peggy to come together and be their bitter creative selves, but Peggy and Don are avoiding each other like the plague. In charge of the installation is Lloyd (surprisingly not named Hal) and this first scene between him and Don is maybe the one issue I have with the episode over all. It's not that Don doesn't have philosophical thoughts, but I find it hard to believe that these two strangers are going to stand here and have this conversation which nicely lays out the theme of the episode is such blatant terms. "The machine is a metaphor...a cosmic disturbance because it contains infinite quantities of information and that's threatening because human existence is finite. But isn't it god like that we've mastered the infinite," Lloyd says. Machines are bad except in their ability to make humans better, got that? If not, go rent 2001: Space Odyssey. This conversation is quite extreme for two people who just met, but I suppose I can overlook it because Weiner and Co are trying to make a point about technology and humans. It's no secret that Matthew Weiner uses Mad Men as a template for explaining the creative process both in the ad room and the writers room, so of course he finds technology threatening, but he also recognizes its usefulness. I mean, I get it. This computer is the monolith that is going to change our peaceful herbivores into killers. Look what it did to Ginzberg, though granted he is already unhinged. But it does things to Don who is already suffering creatively because he isn't being allowed to be creative.

So when the company has the opportunity to pitch to a franchise and Peggy is put in charge and then Don is put on her team, it does not go well.  His little protegee giving him orders? Nope. That's not what Don Draper came back for. There are a lot of themes for the episode, but one of the themes that is transcending beyond this episode is that "everyone hates Don." Not that they aren't justified in it; Don has done spectacularly bad things. But their hatred is also a little bizarre. Call him what you want, but you cannot deny that he is a brilliant copywriter. Don's creative genius should trump the personal drama of the office. No one pitches or writes copy like Don. The hatred for Don becomes even more clear when Don finds new business--good business mind you, a veritable gold mine--takes it to Bert and Bert rejects him with both hands, which makes no sense. Bert is the Randian of the group. He's not going to reject good business out of sheer hatred for his creative director. "We've been doing just fine," Bert says. But that's not true. SC&P is doing adequate. Lou is adequate; the creative is adequate. But there is no heart nor spunk. The creative is invisible as suave talk from wining and dining businessmen take over. So, rejected from Bert, Don gives up and gives in.

Ah, drunk Don. It has been awhile. Don drinks his vodka, lays on his couch in Lane's office (who floated around this episode like a phantom, by the way) and felt sorry for himself. Eventually he turned to the only person who doesn't hate him and hasn't given up on him, but also knows exactly what he is going through: Freddie. Good ol' Freddie, former alcoholic Freddie. Freddie tries to get Don out of the office but not before we have one more very weird conversation with Lloyd and Don. Did this make any sense? Don suddenly sees that Lloyd is the Devil? "I know your name. You go by many names, I know who you are." I mean, what's next? "Get thee behind me Satan!" It's a heavy handed way of reminding us that technology is bad while creative people are good. I half expected Don to tell Lloyd to open the doors and to have Lloyd manage to somehow flash a red dot and say, "I'm afraid I can't do that Don." Don't worry so much, Weiner. No one is going to take your job or your lunch room. You'll be fine when the show is over.

While the proceeding scene is awkward and strange the one following is wonderful and kind of beautiful. Freddie is there for Don; he knows all about Don, but he stayed by his side and is there with a cup of coffee and advice first thing in the morning. And mind you, this is the same Don who shoved Freddie into a cab and wished him well when Freddie became an embarrassment to the company. What should Don do? Should he leave? Stay? Drink himself to death? Freddie gives him one of the best pieces of advice I've heard on the show. "You going to kill yourself? Give them what they want? Or go into your bedroom, get in uniform, fix your bayonet, and hit the parade? Do the work, Don." You feel under-appreciated? Well frankly, pal, you deserve it. You did a bad thing and now you need to get back into the company's good graces. Then just do the work. Work your way back up to the place where you should be. Give Peggy her 25 tags. Play the game, do the work, and you'll see. You'll be back. Do you have time to change your life?

I've been a big believer that Don Draper can try, but he'll never change enough to move into 1970. I still stand by that, but this episode makes me rethink the central thesis of Mad Men: people don't get over their crap. And just maybe, Don Draper can come out of this to the other side. Look at what happens next; Don gets dressed, grabs his briefcase, goes into work, and writes tags for the woman he made a copywriter. He's going to do the work. And what should Don pass one final time before he gets into the office? The new monolith--the computer. Rolling into the office like the impending '70s, the monolith cometh. But Don spares it one look before moving on. Do the work, Don.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Monolith

--Lots of talk about the moon this week. Not surprising, we're getting close to the moon landing (July 1969). It's another invasion and it fits with the overall 2001: Space Odyssey reference.

--"It's not symbolic." "No, it's quite literal." 

--"These people are lost And on drugs. And have venereal diseases."

--Lane's NY Mets pendant. It was everywhere, even after Don tossed it in the garbage. It materialized back in his office and even the ceiling where Lane hung himself.

--Nice ending song this week: the Carousel, which will ALWAYS harken back to Don's brilliant pitch at the end of season one.

In Which I Review Once Upon a Time (3x20)

Let the glorious news be spread that at last the wicked ol' witch is dead! Ding dong, the witch is dead.
 
This is the episode I've been waiting for: the reinterpretation of the original Oz story. We had Zelena's first flashback where were learned how she turned green (mood ring! Zelena) and her history with Oz, but I think everyone has been waiting for Dorothy in her little blue and white checked gingham dress to show up. How do I feel about this episode having watched it twice now? I don't know. Dorothy's story was both like and not like the original; the ONCE Oz story is more about the Wicked Witch than Dorothy (which we knew going in) but Dorothy's purpose was convoluted and--dare I say it--plot devicey and unnecessary in the overall arc. Dorothy appeared because people expected Dorothy to appear. And in present day Storybrooke, Zelena is finally taken down because jewelry is really the most powerful magic of all (diamonds are a girls best friend, don't you know). So when it comes to my reaction to the episode I think the best word is underwhelmed. We got Dorothy? Whoo hoo. Zelena was defeated? Whoo hoo. 

And Toto too. 

Let's go back to Oz. The last time we visited the Emerald City, Zelena turned the Wizard into a flying money and gave into her jealousy, thus causing her to go full on Hulk. Zelena smash! Zelena is still spying on Regina with her magic floor, but it turns out that Zelena has a fan. Enter Glinda, she of the white sparkly plot device. Apparently Glinda has been following Zelena's career as Witch and approves of simian shenanigans (because Glinda and Walsh have history? Seriously, how long has this guy been in Oz? And what history do they share? Also, if Glinda has been following Zelena since her arrival in Oz why didn't she stop Zelena from going to the Enchanted Forest? Or why didn't she rescue Zelena from her abusive father?  Why do you keep raising question that you never intend to answer??) Glinda has an offer for Zelena: change your destiny. If hope was the word of the last episode, then destiny is the word of the week now. It is possible that Zelena could be more powerful if she gave up her jealous nature; she could have "real" sisters, who could teach her to harness her power for good! See, here is the problem. Why is this necessary? We know Zelena won't do it. We know that Zelena is obviously green and still jealous. This flashback feels like the Medusa episode of the last half; it's there because the writers think we need it as opposed to actually needing it. They knew there would be hell to pay if the audience didn't see Dorothy, but the writers went at it with the mentality of making her as unimportant as possible. Glinda, though, offers to take Zelena to the circle of Witches (like The View!) to see if she can change her destiny (drink every time I use the word destiny).

All witches are good witches! East, North, and South are all good and pretty and wonderful. Isn't Oz swell?? No. This is the problem I have with this episode: once again, they're not giving any real original story except in name. Peter Pan and Neverland didn't resemble Barrie's original work at all; instead everything was changed except the names. What made S1 of this show so magical was that yes, it was twisted, but it was also the story you knew. Snow still ate the apple, Regina was still her stop mother, and so on. The Witch of the East didn't even speak did she? And yet she is supposed to be super evil in the books and eventually killed by Dorothy's tornado swept house. The witches explain that together they are more powerful than apart and they represent different aspects of magic: knowledge, heart, and courage. Get it? The witches are the companions of Oz. The Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion don't exist in this world except in what the Witches represent. So why do they want Zelena? To complete the compass/square/legion of doom and gloom. West represents innocence and if Zelena can just choose to be good then she can reclaim her innocence and take her place at the table. It could be her destiny (drink). But wait! There's more! (there always is with this show). Glinda is also the keeper of the book of records (She's Hagrid if Hagrid wore a sparkle bustle dress). There is a prophecy in the book (no! No more prophecies! I beg you!) The prophecy is this: there will be a witch brought to Oz by cyclone who is to be a protector of Oz. Just so happens that Zelena was brought by cyclone so she clearly has to be the prophesied one. It's her destiny (drink).

Does Zelena have it in her to be good? I don't think so. I think she has it in her to believe she is incredibly special and should be given everything she wants. She acts like a spoiled brat who is jealous when no one notices how amazing she is. So, in order to join the sisterhood of magical pendants, Zelena has to give up her obsession with Regina. Which Zelena does in about six seconds, and Glinda buys it? Come on Ms South Witch! Give her a trial run or something. Her whole life has been focused on vengeance and and you buy her "I'm totally past it now" act? Glinda, who is obviously really stupid, gives Zelena a necklace (the same one she wears now) but it's opal. All the witches wear one and it harnesses their power. Because magic. It is also tied to their life force, which is why you must take the necklace in order to destroy one of them. Because magic. Having changed her destiny (drink), Zelena also de-greens. Because Mood Ring! Zelena is now happy and content with her lot in life. Really? Just like that? Why doesn't she change color more often? She has been angry and sad and glad. Shouldn't she turn red, blue, and pink (Pink is the color of happiness because I said so). Probably because magic. And destiny (drink).

Glinda takes Zelena to the West, which is to be her home now. And it's lovely! No it's not. It's a barren wasteland. Are there any good parts of Oz? Does it resemble Baum's Oz in any way shape or form? Where are the munchkins? I want the lollipop guild. Or at least a tree that talks and throws apples. But we do get the cyclone. As Glinda shows Zelena her new home, a twistah (it's a twistah! it's a twistah!) sweeps across Oz and deposits Dorothy in the path of Glinda and Zelena. Because destiny (drink). And no, the house doesn't kill the East Witch. Glinda is instantly impressed with Dorothy, calling her a very special little girl. Glinda is a flip flopper. Now, I have no sympathy for Zelena but Glinda first tells Zelena that she is the promised one, then tells Dorothy that she is special and wants to take her to the Circle of Witches (how do 4 witches make a circle?) Zelena's not happy about that, because she is a two year old. She's so spiteful and jealous that Glinda dare have a new toy that she begins to turn green again. It was her destiny all along (drink) (is this gag getting old? To bad. It's your destiny (drink) to endure it).

Zelena decides to take her destiny (drink) into her own hands and...steal the book of records. Because Glinda apparently leaves that thing just lying around. Like ya do. And it turns out that Glinda is a lying liar from liar town. Or rather, she neglects to tell Zelena the whole truth. There is a prophecy that a powerful witch will come to Oz via cyclone and help protect Oz. But there is another part that says her true role is to destroy the most powerful evil in Oz. Zelena, who has always believed she was wicked now sees the truth. Dorothy is the prophesied good witch and Zelena is nothing but a green wicked witch. When Zelena confronts Glinda, Glinda tells her that only Zelena can decide her destiny (drink) and that whatever destiny (drink) she chooses it was always destiny (drink). And so Zelena's true colors come out (it's a sort of pea green) and she confronts the 11 year old Dorothy who has done nothing wrong except eat a cookie and laugh a little bit. What happens next is a nod to the book and the movie, but is so farcical that I can't take it seriously. Zelena threatens to kill Dorothy with a fireball and Dorothy throws a bucket of water and yup...Zelena's is melting. Oh what a world. The affects of this were rather odd. It's like Zelena's green skin melts off, but her facial features remain the same and then suddenly she's just a hat. So we got our melting scene but obviously it can't be real because Zelena is all alive and crazy in the present day. Dorothy calls Glinda, who apparently can care less that her "sister" was melted. Glinda just looks at the clothes and says "oh. the prophecy is fulfilled." Cause destiny (drink). Dorothy is sad that she just murdered someone (poor kid. Only in Oz one day and already less pure in heart) but Glinda offers to take Dorothy to the Sisters so that Dorothy may fulfill her rightful place as Witch of the East. Run Dorothy! Get out of Oz! Run from this crazy plot!!

Dorothy is obviously having none of this nonsense because all she wants to do is go home. And so down the yellow brick road we go to see a Wizard. When they arrive at the Wizard's palace, he is only too happy to send Dorothy back home to Kansas. You see, she has fulfilled her destiny (drink) as "plot device of the night" so she can vanish now. With a click of her heels, Dorothy is gone and we'll never see her again. Say hi to Rapunzel for us, Dorothy, as you hang out on "the island of forgotten characters." Glinda decides to have a chat with the Wizard and...it's Zelena! Raise your hand if you are surprised by this. Zelena has fully embraced her dark side cause it was destiny (drink) and now her necklace is green like her skin. Glinda knows that Zelena is going to try and complete her plan to time travel and swear she'll put a stop to it. But Glinda is just a plot device and plot devices are no match for Zelena, so Zelena zaps her to the Enchanted Forest and apparently Glinda's sister witches don't care because they never go after her. Actually, I have no idea what happens to the Witches of the East and North. Did Zelena kill them? Or did they join Dorothy on Forgotten Character Island? So that's it. That's the Oz story. Am I impressed? I am not. It fell flat and was unnecessary. Did I need to know about these witches? Not really. Did I need more on the necklace? Nope. Glinda told us it was the key to undoing Zelena. Did I need to see Zelena melted? Not really. It was an elaborate trick to fool Glinda into thinking the prophecy had come to pass and get Dorothy out of Oz. Of course the fatal flaw here is: what if Dorothy had decided to stay?  What then, Zelena? Or did your magic floor tell you that Dorothy would want to go home? Was it DESTINY (drink)? It was destiny (drink).

I Wonder What Her Earrings Do

Does anyone else find it odd that Dr. Whale is delivering Baby Snowflake? He and Mary Margaret had sex. And last time I checked, Dr. Whale wasn't an OBGYN. But I digress. Snow and the whole family show up at the hospital while Zelena makes Rumple spin straw. Because those are his brains? Apparently Rumple's talisman is the straw he spins into gold, not the dagger. So while spinning he transfers his brains to the straw and then Zelena makes a pretty statue of it. I have no words for this lunacy. The dagger made infinite more sense than a pile of gold straw. But now Zelena almost has everything she needs for this spell: courage, heart, brains. Remind you of anything? The witches, for some reason. I don't know why when Glinda said she wasn't even powerful enough to send Dorothy home but had to have the shiny shoes do it, but ok sure. All Zelena needs now is innocence. Well hello there Snow White. You appear to be pregnant with a baby. Babies are all sorts of innocent!! (groan)

While everyone waits for Snow to give birth, they busy themselves with putting up protection spells and having conversations about what happens next. Hook tries to apologize for trying to send Henry to New York and not telling Emma what happened with Zelena, but Emma is having none of it. I applauded Emma a little bit with "Henry's safety is my concern." Yes! Hook, I get that you might have meant well but you are not that boy's father nor uncle nor anything. You're just not. You can't make decisions about Emma (and Regina's) son without them. It's not cool. Emma wants to take the fight to Zelena and doesn't want Hook to go with her because Emma, while being a bit of a petulant three year old, knows that Hook is capable of taking away her magic. Why would you go into a fight with the one person who is capable of making you weak against an enemy like Zelena? You wouldn't, plan and simple. But Charming, who is once again displaying the brain power of a tree stump, insists that Hook goes with Emma if only to be cannon fodder. What do you think will happen, Charming? It's almost like putting Emma directly in front a speeding bullet. Do you really think Zelena won't find a way to get those lips to touch your daughter's? Would you put Superman in a battle with Lex Luthor while Superman was wearing kyrptonite around his neck? Illogical characters are being illogical.

So Hook and Emma set out to find Zelena and kill her. Now, I'm not a Hook fan (even remotely) but Hook is right in his assessment of Emma: she's scared. Emma is getting on my last nerve this season. She is so back and forth: I want to go back to NYC, I love my family, I don't care about magic, I can make magic my life, the past is in the past, I love magic and look what I can do, I hope I lose magic. Seriously, Emma. Pick a SIDE! So yes, Hook is right. Emma is scared that she can have a happy life with her family in Storybrooke. But I will give Emma a small pat on the back for her, "let me guess with you?" when Hook talks about how Emma can be happy. Does Zelena just know where people are at all times? Cause she sure shows up a lot at the most opportune moment. Zelena is tired of waiting for Hook to use his magic lips (gag) on Emma so she forces the issue by trying to drown Hook. Irony. It's a thing. A pirate drowning in a small tub of water. And Emma, being Emma, is all "I will save you by pulling you out of this tub!! And not use my magic to save you because that would be logical and smart!! And I have lose the ability to be smart because the writers don't know what to do with me! So hang on Killy Willy! I shall save yoooooou!"

 I might be laughing as I'm typing this but at the same time, I'm trying to forget what happens after. Emma rescues Hook because she is actually a decent person and wouldn't let another soul die. She presses her lips to Hook and gives him CPR (and yes, I'm ignoring the appalling "Killian, come back to me" bullcrap because what..suddenly Emma cares about him in a deep loving way? STOP BEING BIPOLAR EMMA SWAN. PICK A MAN AND A SIDE AND DO SOMETHING BESIDES VACILLATE ENDLESSLY). And POOF. Emma's magic is gone. Now what does this mean for Emma and Hook?  True love will break any curse, including the Dark One’s curse. Yet, for some odd reason, Emma Swan, true love incarnate, was unable to break the curse upon Hook’s lips. Not only did the CPR fail to break Hook’s curse, but it drained Emma of her special True Love magic! So. Not true love? Please tell me this means they aren't true love. I will take that horrifying "Killian, come back to me" nonsense if it means they aren't true love at all.

Emma, now magic-less, Zelena manages to waltz into the hospital past all the guards and take the newly birthed Snowing baby boy. Aww. Cute baby! And so innocent; perfect baby for time travel spell. Poor Snow. My heart really goes out to the woman who just lost her second child moments after birthing him. But honestly, Zelena got past everyone way too easily. All she had to do was flick her wrists. And of course she gets past Regina! Regina has yet to get one hit off on Zelena this entire season. But I guess they were waiting for what is to come. Prepare yourself. I have stuff to say about that. So, Zelena takes Baby Plot Device and vanishes. Emma and Hook return to the hospital and announce that Emma is now useless. All is lost! Except, Henry believes in Regina. If only light magic can stop Zelena, then Regina can do it because she loves Henry even though she is currently (literally) heartless and has never once done white magic ever, except accidentally when she kissed Henry. But Henry believes in her, so I guess that's that squared away. Don't get me wrong. I love Henry being Henry again, but belief only goes so far.

All ingredients gotten, Zelena is now fully ready to become the Avatar (no, seriously, tell me this didn't remind you of Aang). The spell going full blast, the heroes turn up to save the day. Except they are almost instantly defeated by Zelena, Rumple, and a flying monkey. They just stand there holding their weapons meanicingly until Zelena and Rumple throw them against some hay stacks! Except for Regina. She gets to be the hero because for some reason she can suddenly use white magic! Now look, I'm not Regina's biggest fan. I have issues with how she is being given everything she wants at the expense of others but for her to suddenly have white true love magic when she is (literally) heartless is so just so nonsensical. Glinda can’t stop Zelena despite being Light Magic because she’s not powerful enough. Regina doesn’t have her heart but somehow causes pure light magic? And what has Emma done this season besides go on a lot of walks in the woods and been really indecisive about her future?? True Love is the most powerful magic of all. Emma IS True Love. She is True Love Incarnate. It is her actual state of being. Emma is the most powerful sorceress alive. Regina struggled for a long time with magic because she wasn’t as good at it. Emma Care-Bear Stared Cora away, she put up a barrier around Gold’s shop by just wishing it. She’s the SAVIOR. She broke Regina AND Rumple’s curse. She is more powerful than any magical being that has ever lived because she is True Love. But because of Hook's curse her magic is gone? How utterly convenient for Regina, who just so happens to be Adam and Eddy's favorite. So yeah. Regina conjures up some white magic and uses it against Zelena and then runs over and takes off Zelena's necklace. Zelena is now powerless. That's all they needed to do. Take off a necklace. Rumple, now free, wants to kill Zelena but Regina stops him because "heroes don't do this." And today? Well today, Regina is a hero.

The sisters, the eldest now being in jail, get to have a nice little heart to heart.  Or rather, Regina talks to her sister while Zelena sulks. Regina wants to know if Zelena wants to bulid a snowman. (Sorry. I've been watching Frozen a lot). Regina tells Zelena that the Wicked Witch can have a second chance. She can move beyond the hurt and the pain of what Cora did to her. Look at Regina. She's got everything. Kid, white magic, Robin Hood; she is doing all right for herself now, isn't she? Wouldn't Zelena like that for herself? Zelena is still a petulant child and asks "what if I don't want a second chance?" Well it doesn't much matter because she isn't going to get one. Ready for the scene(s) that made my blood boil?

Regina returns Rumple's dagger to Belle who gives it to Rumple. You see, Belle loves Rumple and trusts him not to go after Zelena. He's changed. He's a better man. He sacrificed his life in 3x11 to ensure that Neal got a happy ending and that Belle lived and it was beautiful. And now, he can live with being the Dark One but not actually be the Dark One. So Belle asks him not to go after Zelena and Rumple is so overjoyed with love that he gives the dagger back to Belle as a promise that he'll behave. And then...it happens. Something I have been waiting for since episode 122 when Belle and Rumple were reunited. Rumple proposed. He asked Belle to be his wife. So why am I not a happy Rumbeller who just watched her OTP get engaged and and reunite?

Because the writers are stupid. They couldn't just let Rumple grow as a character. It's not like villains get to grow and develop and get happy endings and be heroes (pipe down Regina). Rumple lied and manipulated Belle. He tricked her. He swapped the daggers, magically, so that she only thinks she has the real one. But oh no. Rumple has the real one and he uses to keep his promise to kill Zelena. Are you freaking kidding me? Neal wouldn’t have wanted this. Rumple just took a big ol’ giant leap backwards on his way down Redemption Road. And as for Belle, she’s not going to be happy. It was an exact parallel to 201 "Broken"when Belle asked him not to give into his hate and go after Regina. And then he did and when she found out, she left. She came back later but Regina was alive. I don’t think even Belle can forgive this one so readily. Especially when his proposal, while sincere, was tied up in trickery and deception. If all she does is give him a piece of her mind over *murder* then all the criticisms that anti-Rumbelle fans throw at the ship will be true. She shouldn’t just be mad; she should be LIVID. He promised her and then proceeded to trick her WHILE proposing to her. Am I more angry that Rumple killed Zelena or that he lied to Belle? Both. Heroes don’t murder, right? Well after giving the ultimate sacrifice in 311 and being the hero, now he’s turned his back on it and murdered again. Yes, I get it. Trust me. I haven’t felt the same way about this show since Neal died so I get how *livid* Rumple is. But Neal wouldn’t want this. And the fact that he did it while lying and manipulating Belle just gals me because Rumple was doing so well. He wanted a future with Belle, he gave his life, and I had hoped that being a puppet would show him how dark people can go. I get that he’s in pain but no. Zelena was powerless.

And by killing her, Rumple sets off a chain reaction. Her life was tied to the pendant so now her ghost? soul? sparkly dust? I have no idea? breaks free from its shell and snakes through town and begins the Curse. Somehow. I really don't understand it either. But there is now a screaming vortex of terror in a barn and we're all going to get sucked into the past in order to hit the reset button again (again again). Great. Time travel. I am so overjoyed by this prospect.

Miscellaneous Notes on Kansas

--Someone name that baby before he vanishes again!

--"So what, now I'm cannon fodder?"

--Henry wants a house by the water so Emma won't have to sleep in her car. Ok. Stop giving me SwanFire moments like this after you killed Neal. 

--"Destiny is destiny" (double drink)

--"You're a hero now?" "Today I am." Tomorrow, I plan on being anti-hero. The day after that, a villain. You gotta keep the people on their toes, sister.

--Dorothy left Oz with the shoes. But we'll never see them ever again, will we.

--Is it in character for Rumple to kill Zelena? Yes but only if you remove all of S3A from his history. If you include those episodes, it's not.

--Why did Zelena turn to porcelain? That seems so random. 

--Please don't let Emma get her magic back with True Love's Kiss from Hook. Give me this one small thing!

--Destiny (drink)

In Which I Review Mad Men (7x3)

Yesterday, all my trouble seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. 

Sometimes, the Beetles are better than philosophers. In this weeks episode of Mad Men, "Field Trip," it's judgement day for Don Draper as it is decided once and for all if he'll be returning to SC&P. Of course, such a decision is only brought about because Meghan gave Don the heave-ho and called him on his mountain of crap. Failed field trips wove themselves in and out of the episode this week--something that is seemingly so innocent and enjoyable turned ugly because people never change. Oh and Betty is back, in shinning form as the true ice queen, with her cigarette and petulant atittude. It's interesting how Betty and Don still manage to parallel each other, despite not being married or even having regular contact with one another. Like the teasing accusation Betty's friend hurls at her and like Don's cocktail of choice, both are just too old fashioned in this new age. 

Let's start with Betty.  I want to hit pause on the plot of this moment and focus on the costume. They are as different as night and day (it's a theme given that inside SC&P the creative writers are trying to come up with a pitch for a client with a new "night" product to offset their former "day" product). Betty is pure 1960s well-to-do housewife in her ice blue (it's her color), set hair, gossiping about her husband's job and ambitions (because she, as a proper housewife, is supposed to have none). Now, look at her friend: bright attention getting red, PANTS, suit jacket, casual but stylish hair that was probably just pulled back for the day, walking around with business cards and a job in an office. Ladies and gents, this is the feminist revolution! Or at least the real start of it. Woman like Peggy and Joan are a bit of oddity in 1969; both are career driven, one isn't even married, but both started at the bottom and more or less worked (read: slept, for Joan) their way up. Betty's friend, whom we originally met in season 1 as the frumpy good housewife who's husband was cheating on her and helped clue Betty in to Don's shenanigans, is the new breed. Her kids are growing up, she's got a bit of an empty nest, and she's ready for the next adventure or challenge. Her children aren't enough anymore; undoubtedly she loves them still, but they don't need her now. And when you're not needed, you can be left behind. And then there is Betty who wants to be needed because she is basically five years old and needs to feel wanted. I'm harsh on Betty because she is pretty horrible overall, but it's not an uncommon, or indeed, unreasonable thing to feel. We all want to be needed. But Betty's almost pathological need to keep her perfect life the way she envisions it should be, always leads to problems. Sally was her little doll that she could play with and now Sally is at school; Betty's friend is trying to explain to Betty how it really is--the kids simply grow up--and Betty is having none of it because once they grow up, she is done for.

This is why, when presented with the information that (never aging!) Bobby Draper is going on a field trip for school, Betty jumps at the chance to go with him. Why? If you've watched any season of Mad Men then you know that Betty more or less can't stand her own children. I'm sure she loves them but she doesn't much like them. They are the things she had because it was expected of her. She has neglected them (I kid you not, there is an episode early on in the series where she and Don do nothing but drink all day and pretty much forget to feed their children); she has emotionally and mentally and even at times physically abused them (who can forget Betty slapping Sally when Sally cut her own hair?). But how much hate does Betty deserve? She bugs us, but she bugs us because often time she hits a little too close to home in the real representation of the wife and mothers of this time. Betty did what woman of her generation did: she got a degree from college to prove she was educated, she met a nice man (so she thought), they got married, and she had kids. She didn't have a choice, which is why I often feel guilty over my disdain for the former Mrs. Draper. She's an ice bitch, but to some degree she had to be--it's how she was taught to present herself to the world. Betty, had she not just had this eye opening lunch with her friend, would not be caught dead on a real farm. The last farm we ever saw Betty on was a horse stable for well-off elite club members. There were no cows nor pigs nor drinking milk from a pail. Betty is going on this trip to the farm in order to cling to her vision that her children need her. The nanny isn't going to go with them--Betty is. And the ironic thing is I think Betty actually had a good time, until it all went wrong.

Poor Bobby Draper suffers from middle child syndrome--if he wasn't there, you'd forget about him. Sally is the most important child as her relationship is the real love story in Don's life; Gene is the unfortunate baby who was named after Betty's father, who couldn't stand Don, and was born into a broken family. It was nice to see Betty spend time with her second child, then, and even more enjoyable to see her actually like spending time with him. They joke about movies, have an actual conversation, and Betty has managed to wipe that smug smirk off her face long enough to really get into the field trip. She even drink milk from a pail. Wonder of wonders! So far this field trip is a success; Betty is proving to herself that her children still need her because clearly Bobby is having just as good a time. Then, disaster. In a moment of childlike thoughtlessness, Bobby trades away Betty's lunch. Now, to be fair to Bobby, this is a learned skill. Betty has never paid much attention to him, so when the time comes, Bobby didn't really give Betty a second thought either. He just assumes Betty wouldn't eat and would be okay with not having food. And while Betty might be justifiably angry that she is now being asked to not eat, her ranker toward her child demonstrates just how child-like she is herself. When Bobby offers to go get the sandwich back, Betty dismisses him and instead forces him to eat his newly acquired candy. Seeing that he's miserable and her task is now accomplished, her glasses go back on, the cigarette comes out, and Bobby melds into the background with the other screaming children that Betty isn't particularly interested in either.

Back home and now so disinterested in Bobby that she doesn't even care that he's so consumed with guilt that he's not eating, Betty puts on her best "oh-woe-is-me" performance for Henry. I watch Mad Men with my mother and I kid you not, when Betty asked Henry "am I a good mother," both of us, at the same time, said "no" to the television set. She's really not. Betty's cold and too childlike herself to ever really be a good mother. And now, she's literally clinging to her last baby trying to figure out why she isn't enough for them. What does the future hold for Betty? Well, like most of our characters on Mad Men, I doubt she's capable of change. She'll continue to put on a good face and sell her husband's life for the sake of his career; she'll never stop desiring to be wanted and forever be disappointed that her children simply don't want her as much as she would like them to. Betty is destined to become an old Republican biddy who is never without makeup or set hair, but who always feels like something is just missing from her life. To some degree, I pity her. And I then I remember, "would you love you?" when she confronted Don about being Dick Whitman and how unbelievably cold she was.

So that's failed field trip number one. Failed field trip number two takes us to Don Draper who is finally caught with his pants down (metaphorically). I think Don has been somewhat complaisant. He's keeping tabs on the agency but he has made no effort to try and get back in to work. He goes to movies, he puts on his nightly show for Dawn, he flies out to see Meghan. So when Don gets a phone call from Meghan's agent that she misbehaved, Don figures that he's the one to fix it. Except Don Draper can't fix Meghan because Don can't even fix himself anymore. He can fly in like a knight in shinning armor, woo and bed her, but he's incapable of actually fixing what's wrong with Meghan because Don is just too broken himself (the broken vessel motif from earlier this season). Don used to be able to say all the right things and now he says all the wrong ones and finally the truth comes out: he's been out of work since November. I have to give some major props to Meghan here; she's not Betty. She loves Don but she's not going to take his lies. It took Betty three seasons to finally kick Don out and ask for a divorce. Meghan kicks him out after one fight and then keeps him away when he wants to come back. She's much stronger than Betty, but she's also the new generation of girl. Don tries to explain that he's still getting paid (because money matters more to Don than it should) but Meghan doesn't care. Don tries to tell her that "I don't know if they want me or don't want me" (THEME!) and that he's not even drinking that much anymore. All of which is supposed to placate Meghan but doesn't. Instead it just singles that he doesn't want her, so therefore, she doesn't want him either. And now everything is about this failed field trip to Don. In Don's mind, Meghan doesn't want him because he can't fix the problems anymore. Enter Don Draper, fixer.

After a pretty funny meeting with Roger in his room, Don is invited back to work. But it's just by Roger, maybe one of the few people who miss Don. When Don shows up to SC&P on Monday morning, no one is expecting him and no one is overly happy to see him. In fact, everywhere Don goes, he is met with an almost open hostility. Lou is dismissive, Joan judges him, and Peggy is clearly still bitter over their last time together where Don broke Ted down in front of a client. Instead of being welcomed back with open arms, Don is forced to wait for hours while the various partners try to decide Don's fate. Should he be brought back? Or should he be let go altogether? There are pros and cons for both options, as evidenced by the partners. Roger wants Don back because he's a genius and the agency's creative department is literally invisible right now and Don is better than any ad man in Manhattan. Also, Don's a partner; they'd have to buy him out which would be more expensive than bringing him back. Jim doesn't want Don back at all but that's not surprising for a few reasons. Jim has no interest in the creative side of advertising; he thinks business is good PR and good relationships. Plus, Jim is also bitter over the Ted incident. Bert cares about how his agency is perceived outside of the actual office and knows that Don is the best ad men they have, but also doesn't want to take a risk that Don will have another meltdown. And then there is Joan, who literally whored herself out to land Jaguar only to have Don go and try to undo it and make her sacrifice look worthless. And Joan makes a good point, "this is working." The way the agency is going is working fine; it's not great, but it's working. How does Don fit in now? Can he fit in?

 Not part of the partner meeting, but who's opinion matters almost more than anyone, is Peggy. Peggy is having a rough go of it this week. Her work, work she considers her best, wasn't even submitted for an award. Peggy is forever measuring her success by what she has and what she does not. Peggy has an office, a fancy title, but she doesn't have that little statue. She's invisible in the office nowadays. So when Peggy sees the opportunity to literally be seen, she takes it. Don has always seen Peggy: he was the first one who saw that she might have a real shot in the business, but he's never been that great about seeing Peggy as anything more than just her underling. And then Don was directly responsible for Ted leaving Peggy and breaking her heart. So now Peggy can hurt Don. "I can't say we miss you," she tells him. Which, is a lie. Peggy misses him. She misses how he listened to her ideas, how Don might have been a monster, but he was damn good at his job. He knew how to pitch and sell. And Lou, in his cardigan and lack of vision, is simply "adequate." So, yes, Peggy is being mean here, but she's also lying and I think is secretly pleased to see him.

 And so judgement time. Don is told that, yes, he can come back, but there are stipulations. He must refrain from drinking in the office, he must answer to Lou, he must not be alone with the client. And in a stipulation that really made me perk up, he is being put in Lane's old office. You remember Lane, the guy who killed himself? Hm. Interesting, yes? I expected Don to give a rousing speech in which he shut down the partners, reminded them why they need him so badly. But instead he simply looks at them, deflated, and says "okay." Don knows he is in deep trouble with them; he messed up big and now he must pay the piper. He has two options: agree and come back, don't agree and never work again. And Don must work. The work is what matters. But Don's troubles aren't going anywhere, they are here to stay. Sorry, Bobby. No matter how much you wish it, it can't be yesterday.

Miscellaneous Notes on Field Trip

--Odd to hear characters in the 1960s talk about computers.

--Michael Ginsberg is insane. I actually think he might have some sort of disorder.

--Will Meghan take Don back? Probably. But I think she'll hold out for awhile.

--Go Dawn! She's running that agency. Love her.

--I really need Peggy and Don to have more interaction than this next week.

--I hope that was our Betty quota for the season.