In Which I Review Sleepy Hollow (1x10)

On the last episode of Sleepy Hollow, we learned that one of my ongoing theories about Katrina (that she gave birth to a child) was right! And then this week, we learned how everything else I believed was wrong. I hope they aren't trying to make Katrina out to be a good girl. She has always come across as evil and working for the forces of darkness instead of being a victim of them. And it's more than just the black flowing dresses. But in this week's episode, "The Golem," we learn a bit more about Katrina's coven and the fate of Ichabod's son. Also the Sin Eater, Henry Parrish, returns! It's so hard to see him as anything except Walter Bishop. I keep expecting him to ask for pie. This weeks episode, while good, was a bit slow. A lot of time was spent on a subplot involving Captain Irving and his daughter Macy, who I suspect is going to be more than just a sympathetic figure for the Captain. 

Ichabod Crane is in a foul mood. It's the holiday season and Crane is finding it difficult to put on a brave face and get with the spirit of the season. He is curt with Abbie who tries to comfort him; his anger and frustration over Katrina's secrets are taken out on a pile of firewood, his axe hacking into them obviously wishing he could direct that anger elsewhere. Ichabod has a bit of a temper, doesn't he? Last episode was saw him hack a walking tree to death, its blood spurting everywhere. It's not as if I blame Ichabod for his rage. It's pretty justified. Learning you had a child but that it was most likely spirited away into the night because the forces of evil were after him would make anyone a bit of a Scrooge. But Abbie comes with good news: she thinks she has figured out a way to find out what happened to the baby boy Katrina birthed in the Sanctuary. Enter Henry Parrish, the Sin Eater. Henry Parrish is the only one who can "move some freaky mountains" and help Ichabod and Katrina talk to one another. It's dangerous though. Henry must take Ichabod "close to death" in order to put him in Purgatory to talk to Katrina. Enter the choke hold. It was a little worrisome seeing Henry choke the life out of Ichabod but needs must, I suppose. Ichabod and Katrina are reunited in a special Purgatory chapel where Katrina goes everyday to light a candle in honor of their son, Jeremy. What follows is a massive information dump that goes a little something like this: after Katrina bound Ichabod to the Headless Horseman, she fled to Europe to find a way to unbind him. She didn't know that at the time she was pregnant but when it was discovered, her coven of witches sought to take the baby from her. This is why Katrina went to the Sanctuary. After he was born, Katrina decided to give up Jeremy to keep him safe and entrusted him to Grace, the African servant and Abbie's ancestor. The coven eventually caught up to Katrina and sent her to the Purgatory where she now resides. So why is Moloch holding her captive? Maybe Moloch didn't want the baby but Katrina still made some sort of deal with him if she is in the "woods" where Moloch has dominion. As Katrina is telling Ichabod all this about Jeremy and her coven, the doors of the Purgatory chapel begin to shake and a giant man bursts in.

It's a golem, our titular golem to be exact. Golems come from Jewish folklore; they are, essentially, anthropomorphic entities created entirely from inanimate matter, like clay. They are known to be super strong and incredibly loyal to their masters. The golem of Katrina's Purgatory follows Ichabod out of the un-dead space and into our world. The golem doesn't seem to be controlled by anyone but it does have a mission: to hurt those who hurt his master.

Meanwhile, Ichabod, Abbie and Parrish set out to the library to see if they can't figure out what happened to Jeremy after Katrina handed him over to Grace. The news isn't good (but it almost never is, is it?) Jeremy was discovered at a young age to have power, specifically Katrina's powers. Yes, Jeremy was a warlock/wizard/male witch. And a super scary one at that. He caused a fire to Grace's house that killed Abbie's ancestor and then was shipped off to a home for orphan children run by a fanatical minster who believed in whipping Jeremy into normalcy. And this was how the golem was created. During one horrible whipping, Jeremy's nose began to bleed and he bled onto the doll his mother made for him and it came to life. After it came to life the doll became Jeremy's sworn protector, guarding him against any sort of harm.

The main antagonists the golem is going after are the members of Katrina's coven who tried to harm Jeremy. There are four (incredibly freakish) women who are very powerful; they call themselves the four who speak as one. And boy are they odd. Sharp pointy teeth, bright blue unblinking eyes and a tendency to finish each others sentences. Ichabod finally caches up with them at the state fair (because of reasons?) and the 4 tell him how Katrina brought all this--not only the golem but the whole war with Moloch--on herself. She messed with fate. Ah, fate. It's a bitch. Because Katrina saved Ichabod and tied him to the Horseman and therefore did not allow Ichabod to die, Katrina went against fate and ensured that all thing that have come to pass and will come to pass. It would have been better to let Ichabod die (sad). The coven did what they thought they had to do in order to protect themselves: they killed Jeremy a long time ago and buried him. That is why the golem is after the 4. And they are more than willing to die; they feel as though they have done nothing wrong. But only one thing will stop the golem itself, the blood of Jeremy Crane.

It should be obvious how Ichabod stops the golem; his blood is part of Jeremy so therefore Ichabod's blood can stop the golem. Using a shard of glass coated in his blood, Ichabod takes down the golem but not before he thanks it for taking care of his son. It's all very touching.

Back at the police station later that night, Ichabod has a vision, this one of Moloch. Moloch tells Ichabod that war is coming and that Ichabod will deliver Abbie's soul to Moloch. Oh no! Ichabbie! (sad face)

Miscellaneous Notes on The Golem

--This episode was fine but there wasn't a whole lot to discuss. I'm disappointed that it seems like Katrina may not be evil so much as "she made a lot of wrong choices."

--The one theory that did come out of this episode is that I think Henry Parrish is a descendant of Ichabod Crane, through Jeremy. Henry had to get his powers from somewhere.

--I chose not to give any proper space to the subplot of the Captain and his daughter because I don't know what to make of it. But we learned that Macy was hit by a car (I'm thinking not on accident) and now demons are trailing after her, wondering when they can get her soul. Do the demons want her soul just to have it or do they need it?

--Abbie got Ichabod a Christmas gift! A stocking to be precise. I love Ichabod's reaction to it: "you embroidered my name on some hosiery." The stocking is a symbol of hearth and home, meaning that Ichabod has a home here in Sleepy Hollow with his Lefteniant.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (3x10)

Welcome home! Seems like just yesterday I was welcoming us all to Neverland. We've been through quite a bit in 9 episodes, haven't we? We've battled the most malicious and evil Peter Pan ever, met Tinkerbell, saved Charming, Neal and tried to save Henry. We've waded into Dark Hollow with a coconut to capture a magical shadow and we've had to sit through horrendous love triangle nonsense. While Neverland was a pleasant divergence for the third season of this series, it's good to be back in the light (for good!) and back in the place where we all fell in love with ONCE. Storybrooke is where we met Mary Margaret and David Nolan; where Regina tried to kill Emma once a week; where Granny's is always open and Gold's shop houses all the artifacts you'll ever need to cast a spell. But, as one might suspect with a title like "The New Neverland," everything is not as it seems. Pan is Henry and Henry is Pan; pirates are drunk womanizers and Emma is tried of being the Savior and not being able to enjoy life. Oh and Snow and Charming go on a magical quest against the Medusa (no I'm not kidding). 

I Would Have Gone to Paris 

Snow White is a Bridezilla. Now, I mean that lovingly because it is always nice to see scenes from the pilot and I do love Snow. Opening with the wedding and Regina's threat is a nice way to remind the audience how this all started. But Snow ain't got time for this. Her kingdom is under attack by an evil witch and even a moment as nice as her wedding comes second. Much to poor Charming's dismay. All the newly wed husband wants is to take his bride on their honeymoon and bask in their eternal love. And have sex. Lots of sex. Or, I suppose, with this being a show owned by Disney: "create beautiful music." Do you know what the first good step in a new marriage is? Lying. Snow gets Charming to agree to go to the summer palace, promising a relaxing honeymoon and not worrying about Regina. But of course, the little princess has other plans. There is something near the palace that may help Snow defeat Regina for good.

The Medusa is a Greek legend (yay! A chance to use my useless set of skills), one that is fairly well known as it gets treated time and time again. Those Greeks...Hollywood has been good to them. The Medusa is one of three Gorgons, ancient creatures born of even older creatures of chaos. Medusa is famous for having hair made of snakes and a stare that can turn you into stone. Snow's plan is to find the Medusa, cut off her head and send it to Regina. All without turning to stone herself. She has no idea how to accomplish this, but surely with some pluck, Snow can do anything! I was really hoping Snow would announce that she was pregnant at the end of the episode because it was the only excuse I would take for Snow going off half-cocked on some hair-brianed scheme that she couldn't even articulate. This is one of the biggest problems I have with ONCE somtimes: they over use the flashback. Honestly, we don't need one every episode. I'm perfectly happy just staying in present day Storybrooke right now where the real action is. Sometimes the flashbacks are absolutely necessary and I understand why this one was here: it was a parallel to Emma. I get that but I also know that I didn't need this flashback to understand present day. The flashback really amounted to a few key moments but because it is Snow and Charming, it's really the same as any other of their scenes. Love wins and saves the day, Snow uses courage and moxy to defeat some sort of beast and Charming imparts some fantastic advice for the audience. This week's moral: life is made of moments. Good ones, bad ones, mediocre ones, epic ones and small ones. Isn't there some precious saying like life is what happens in between your plans? Those are the moments Charming wants. He wants to carry Snow (a very pregnant Ginny Goodwin, by the way) over the threshold; he wants to spend a few days in paradise with the woman he fought so hard to be with. And Snow wants to fight a monster. Not exactly the quite moment Charming was hoping for.

There isn't much to say about the flashback. It felt like it was something the writers thought like they needed instead of something they actually needed. Snowing get a bad rap post season one. It's not that people don't love them, most of the fandom does. But it's that they've become way to static. Season one was amazing because you were watching their love story in real time in SB and in the past in FTL. But now, they're together, they'll always find each other and the tension is gone. I hear a lot of "they're boring now!" coming from the fandom, despite loving them. And it doesn't help when we get lucklaster flashbacks that honestly serve no purpose other than to give the fandom what the writers think they want: a taste of season one. And that's true, most of us long for S1 in general but the fact is you can't keep piling on these flashbacks and not expect them to get dull.

Rumbelle. (There is nothing else happening in Storybrooke)

Ok, the title of my section is a lie (like cake!). But come one. Did you honestly expect that I wasn't going to dedicate one section of this blog to them? I mean, my GOD. Look at that picture. Look how HAPPY my Imp is. Look how he has his happy ending (Neal) and his happily ever after (Belle). Look how joyful he is! He is never joyful! He is always filled with constant dread and feelings of self-loating and self-hatred and thinking that everyone will leave him someday. He is convinced that everyone he loves will walk out on him, leaving him shattered. And there he is, back from what he thought was certain death, surrounded by the two people who love him most, holding him up, ensuring that the earth stays where it is supposed to. I got lost in the intense Rumbelle feelings this week. There are so many scenes I want to talk about. And by talk about I mean cry over. Let's start with a the actual reunion of Belle and Rumple. "I told you I would see you again." Have I mentioned Rumple's mountain sized abandonment issues? Huge. Massive. Belle is the only one who ever came back and she keeps coming back. She is constantly reinforcing that he is not alone; he is not a monster, a pathetic wreck of a man who doesn't deserve love or happiness. And his response? "This is the last time I don't listen to you." That's right, my Imp. You listen to her!

The second scene I want to pick apart is between Neal and Rumple. Neal returns Rumple's cane to him. Oh that cane. That cane is a tangible representation of everything Rumple hates about himself: his anger and his weakness and his cowardice, his inability to be a man. It is a literal crutch that he can't walk without, symbolizing his addiction to magic and his desperate clinging to power. But, because Rumple is the most layered character on this show, the cane also represents the characteristics that Rumple loves about himself: that he chose to be a father, even when he knew it meant be labeled a coward. It marked the growth of his son Baelfire, his pride and joy. It is a symbol of his ability to be a damn good father. And when Bae gives it back to him, it is the next step in their reconciliation. Rumple takes and says, "this is a reminder of the man I was and the man I want to be." And now he no longer needs it. In Storybroke, once magic came, Rumple never healed himself as a reminder of why he had crossed worlds, his son. But now he has Bae back and he doesn't need to be reminded anymore. He wants to move on. He wants a future, something he was convinced he didn't have just last season. And so Rumple will abandon his cane and slowly--slowly--become whole. And the best part of this process? Belle.

I have been waiting for this scene since May. No, longer. Since "Skin Deep" in season one. Waiting for Rumple and Belle to affirm that their future is with each other. No death looming overhead, no memory loss. Just this man and the love of his bloody life. It's like the end of the Super Bowl; "Rumplestiltskin! You've just survived Neverland and your psychotic father! What are you going to do now?" His response is that the only future he is interested is one where he and Belle are together. And then epic kissing happens. And probably more cause those two never did make it to Granny's for the super duper party. I fully believe that this Neverland adventure is the last time the writers of ONCE will ever separate Rumbelle. Belle literally clings to him for the rest of the episode and Rumple takes her everywhere. She's at the town line, she's at Granny's the next morning, and she's at the Mills family mausoleum. She's part of the family and part of the gang and she's not leaving Rumple's side. Let's move on before I get really disgusting.


Next Time I Recommend Destroying the World Ripping Curse 

Panry (Pan-in-Henry-suit) is out for blood. Or rather a very important piece of paper. That Regina failed to DESTROY?! WHY?! Why would you keep the scroll to the darkest Curse in existence inside of a box and not destroy it?! Ok, let's back up. Panry has a plan: he wants to use the Curse--the original one--and turn Storybrooke into the New Neverland. And to do that, he must get everyone to trust him so that they will lead him to what he wants. This is pretty easy with Regina who is just glad to be loved again; and everyone else is too happy to be home again to see how obvious Panry is being with his machinations. I mean, come on guys! Everyone falls for it, except Emma.

Oh Emma. You and your issues, some of which are of the male variety. But we'll get to them later. Emma is very suspicious of Panry who seems to be going out of his way to spend time with Regina. The thing with Emma is that she is more or less waiting for the next disaster. Ever since Henry came into her life, she has been dealing with one issue after the next; every moment brings some fresh hell that she has to solve because she is the Savior. That's what Savior's do. Emma doesn't get to have moments. She has small crises and BIG crises. Those moments, like lunches and talks, go on hold because she has to be the Savior 24/7. But of course, her suspicions are right, as they normally are. Something is going on with Panry. And one poor soul pays the price. Did I say poor? I meant extra sneaky evil puppet master.

Panry summons his shadow from the Jolly Roger's sail and has it kill the Blue Fairy. Yes, I said that. Blue died. Or did she? I am so suspicious of Sneaky Fairy's death. I don't buy it for one second. I think she planned this with Pan. Why Blue if it's not some sort of elaborate plan? It would be a wholly random kill. But "dead" she is for now. And it leads Emma to demand that they confront the Peter Pan in the box. Who is really Henry. So Snow, Charming, Emma, Rumple and Belle (!!) go out to the town line where they release the Pan-in-the-box and discover that Pan and Henry switched bodies. At least they didn't drag this plot out. And there were some really nice family moments between "Henry" and his mother and grandparents. The real Pan is with Regina, in her vault. Where he tricks her (yes, he tricked the Evil Queen cause Regina is a big softie when it comes to her son) and knocks her out and then takes the scroll that holds the evil Curse. Why? Because if Pan can cast it, he can turn Storbrooke into the New Neverland, where everyone will forget who they are and time will freeze. And Pan can live like a king forever; if he can't have Henry's heart, he'll settle for immortality this way. The trick, of course, is that Emma can't break this Curse because the True Love of Snowing was only put on the Curse once. Emma would no longer be the Savior and she's be cursed along with Regina and everyone else. Heartbreaking. And that's the state of ONCE before the finale episode of the winter part of the season!

Oh, there is one more thing we need to talk about, I guess.

This Bloody Never Ending Triangle

I'm going to take this Triangle side by side. Let's start with SwanFire. This whole episode was a giant Snowing and SwanFire parallel. Charming wants Snow to have moments in between the danger, and Neal is asking Emma to have a moment in between all the crazy. A moment that Emma isn't too sure she wants. At the giant party at Granny's, Hook tells Neal that he is going to back off perusing Emma to let Neal have a shot (lies spew so easily from this pirate's mouth). And Neal thanks Hook and goes to ask Emma to talk with him (because Neal is a decent man who doesn't understand that Hook is a double crossing horrible person). Neal asks Emma to lunch, simply saying that if she shows up they can eat and talk. If not, he'll stop bugging her and let her be. He won't pressure her or play mind games. Poor Emma. What's a girl to do? The next day she fights the urge to go, wasting time worrying about Panry until Charming convinces her to go and have a moment. Because she owes it to herself. And then Blue gets killed and she never makes it to lunch. Oh. My heart. Neal's face in the diner, waiting for Emma to show was devastating. He thinks she chose to be other places, and not with him. I really hope Emma tells Neal that she was on her way to see him. My heart can't take them loosing this battle.

Meanwhile. I am 10000000% done with Hook. I tried. I did. The first four episodes of this season, Hook really showed that he could be respectful and kind and compassionate. And then it got shot to hell cause a pirate wants what a pirate wants. Hook threw Neal under the bus last night. He made Neal think that he wasn't going to persue Emma and then went and decided to play mind games. You know, the thing Hook said he wouldn't do in order to "win" Emma's heart. Hook gets drunk and then corners Tink outside of a bathroom and asks her for a quickie. When Tink says no because he is clearly drunk and trying to take his mind off Emma and that she has MORALS (good for you Tink) Hook says, "Who's Emma? I only see you." Now, if Hook and Tink had hooked up, that's not really an issue. Both are adults who made a choice and Hook isn't "with" Emma even though he keeps declaring his undying love. But what really makes me mad is that when Hook and Tink hear Blue scream and go running outside to find Charming and Emma, Emma asks is Hook and Tink were together to which Tink says "No!" and Hook responds with "perhaps!" That's it. You don't get to lie to her, try to make her jealous, play with Emma's emotions and heart and then expect me to even remotely like you. I hope Hook takes his little boat and falls off the face of the earth. 10000000% done with this pirate and his BAD FORM.

Miscellaneous Notes on The New Neverland

--So many reunions! Ariel and Eric's was a little rushed and I wished it had more talking, but I'll take it. The Darling family's was very sweet. And Neal got to see them again!!


--Belle dressed Rumple. Fandom, I expect smut in two days time of this scene.

--Please don't give up, Neal. You and Emma are meant to be! I promise. Keep fighting.

--10000000000000000000% done with Hook. Did I mention that?

--RIP Blue Fairy. If you really are dead. Which I doubt. A lot.

--How will Panry enact the Curse? He needs the heart of the thing he loves most, but isn't that himself?

--One more episode and then we're off for 3 months. Expect next week to be super long with an extra "season in review"

In Which I Review Dracula (1x6)

This weeks episode of Dracula, "Of Monsters and Men," had a theme. No, I'm being perfectly serious. It had an actual discernible theme that played out on screen in several characters. It was amazing--the fact that it had a theme, not the episode itself. The episode was more or less an exercise in senseless subplots and the various sexcapades of individuals. But I consider the appearance of a theme to be a step in the right direction. The theme replete in this weeks episode was illusions: being unable to see something, even if it's right in front of your face. I suppose this might have always been a theme on this TV show as no one outside of Renfield and Van Helsing can see that Dracula is a vampire. Or at least is a very strange man of whom everyone should be deeply suspicious. But this week several characters--Ninja, Harker, and Mina--were confronted with the illusions that have previously escaped their notice and they responsed to those illusions. And of course there was sexy fun time for everyone! Except Renfield. Poor Renfield, he just walks through life taking care of Dracula. 

 The episode opens with Dracula having a dream of walking in the sun. It's a peaceful dream, sunlight streaming through the treetops, bird singing, and even a happily bubbling fountain. Which of course Dracula feels the need to splash in and wash over his face. It's a metaphor, guys. Baptism and rebirth. To walk in the sunlight like any other man is Dracula's ambition, cause this is what we envision when we think of the King of Vampires. Anyway, the reality of Dracula's world is much darker and cloistered. He's taking Ninja (henceforth, her name is Ninja and never Jane) and her boobs to dinner. Seriously. Does this woman posses a dress that is actually Victorian? In everything she wears, she's is practically spilling out. I'm amazed that more old ladies haven't passed out or clutched their pearls whenever she walks by. Ninja is having a hard time coping with her reality because the illusion that Alexander Grayson is just an ordinary man is crumbling around her. Her bosses in the Order of the Dragon are convinced that Grayson is a vampire because he has never been seen out in daylight. To be fair, I don't go out in daylight either, but I'm not a blood sucker. Before they can even sit down at dinner, Dracula becomes distracted by the appearance of Mina across the room. Remember, the last time they saw each other it was for dance/sex. This time it's for a different type of foreplay: cards. Ah yes. How many great romances start: card tricks. Mina is enchanted by card parlor tricks, mostly because Mina is a bit of simpering idiot. She likes illusions. She likes the illusion that she and Harker are happy and are a normal couple; she likes the illusion that she isn't attracted to Grayson at all; she likes the illusion that Lucy is just a friend and the constant gripping and touching doesn't have anything to do with sex. Mina will spend most of this episode trying to reinforce her own illusions. So despite Grayson's interference and Lucy's sulking at dinner, Mina can push those cracks in her illusion to the back of her mind (with the help of some alcohol). But even alcohol can only go so far. The best trick to keep her perfectly ordered illusion? Sex.

Yup. Because ladies in Victorian England who were engaged go out in public and aren't chaperoned at all. And her servants in the house would totally not be home for when Mina finally stumbled through the doors, drunk and wet. And those same servants would totally be ok with her fiance being alone with her in a dark house. So when Mina and Harker do manage to find their way home, drunk and soaking wet, and since the servants apparently have the night off, Mina decides to strip down to her Victorian underwear and have sex with Harker. Impure! Impure! Stone her!

Oh Mina. Don't fight your attraction to Dracula. He has you in his thrall. And I'm betting your one night with Harker was nothing compared to the dance/sex at your engagement party. But hey. Anything to keep up that illusion that you're totally happy with Jonathan Harker, dullest man alive. Notice that Mina doesn't even want to do the whole post-coital cuddling thing; and in fact she balks at the idea of running way and eloping with Harker. Instead of staying in bed, she flees to her lab. Experiments must be done. Sure, Mina. I'm sure you're not just running from the horrible mistake you just made. Mina's experiments lead her to discover Van Helsing's sunlight elixir. This elixir brings things back to life, cells and rats. Mina confronts Van Helsing about this, her precious illusion that her teacher is an honorable man shattered. How could he have something so suspicious! Van Helsing gives Mina some idiotic tale about parasites all the while planning to bash her brains in with a mallet (uh, not too sure how Dracula would react to that, Van Helsing). But (thankfully?) Van Helsing stops short of actually killing Mina because her mother had cancer. Mina gives some sob story about wanting to cure death and how she wants to be a part of Van Helsing's work and with that cleared up, Van Helsing lets her go. Van Helsing seems to be a mallet-wielding psycho. How many more times do I need to see flashbacks of his family dying at the hands of the Order? I get it. He's sad and wants revenge. Move on, please.

Speaking of moving on: VixenBoobs. At the aforementioned dinner, Lucy and Ninja had quite the little moment. Lucy, fed up with Dracula's interference and Mina's obvious attraction, stalks over to Ninja, the latter of whom as been left bereft by Grayson. These two understand one another. Ninja wants Grayson all to herself but he jumps at the first chance he has to go over to Mina; Lucy wants Mina to herself but Mina is so wrapped up in preserving her illusions that Lucy never gets the chance to tell Mina how she feels. Ninja sees an opportunity to get what she wants by destroying Lucy and Mina. Cause somehow that relates back to Dracula. Ninja invites Lucy over to tea (is that what the young kids are calling it now?) in order to get to know each other (euphemism alert!). The tea is, needless to say, really bizarre. And I do mean bizarre. Ninja straight up hits on Lucy, touching hands, her face, her boobs. Ninja tells Lucy that her urges toward Mina are natural and she should totally explore those. Poor Lucy. She takes this stranger's advice and decides to hit on Mina while they lay in bed. She begins by stroking Mina's face and then kisses her! And Mina goes crazy. She can't believe Lucy would do this, that Lucy has these feelings toward her. She orders Lucy out. The Mucy ship took quite a hit last night. I wonder if a certain enigmatic blood sucker will step in. He better. What is Lucy's purpose if it's not as Dracula's meal? I know they aren't keeping with the original story at all, but toss your viewers a bone! Give us Dracula draining Lucy, cause I really want to see what the Vixen would be like once she's a full fledged creature of the night. I suspect Vampire Lucy would be like a dog in heat.

And then there is Jonathan Harker, maybe one of the most obtuse idiots ever. Dude. What kind of researcher are you? A newspaper man who doesn't check out his sources? Come on! So a few episodes back, Harker met with some woman in gray who gave him files and evidence against the general Dracula is trying to take down. It was a cornucopia of wonder! Evidence that perfectly laid out how this general was taking money from his enterprise. And Harker fell for it, hook, line and sinker. And of course it turns out that it's not true. The woman was an actress who led him astray. And now Harker is in trouble with Dracula and the Order (for reasons passing understanding). His illusion that he has finally found his nitch in the world as Dracula's go to he man for information is crumbling. If he can't perform his duties as information man, then what use does Grayson have for him? And if Harker looses his position then he also looses the money and the influence that goes with that position. And then he's less of a man. His illusion that he is finally worthy of Mina and is finally a respectable man who can marry Mina is slipping. Hopefully it slips all the way and Harker just up and leaves. Is there anyone who doesn't think Dracula and Mina will eventually be together?

And so we are left with one final illusion: Dracula and sunlight The Order, most of whom serve on the Coolant company, are convinced that Dracula cannot go out in sunlight. These clever men decided to trick Grayson and call a meeting of the shareholders at noon in a solarium. Dracula has no choice; he must appear at this meeting or loose his company. Time for Dr. Van Helsing's miracle cure! The last time we saw this process it didn't exactly go according to plan: the test subject burst into flames. But Dracula and his loincloth are determined. This procedure was like something out of Frankenstein--electric shock and needles full of serum. Renfield was there the whole time in case something went wrong, of course. Loyal that man is. And then Dracula finally stepped foot into the sun. But he was on a limited time table, and even though the Order tried to hold him, he managed to get away before they noticed his skin bursting into flames. Luckily there was an actress who's services were no longer needed and once he fed, Dracula was perfectly fine. And Ninja's illusion that Alexander Grayson is an ordinary man was reinforced.

Miscellaneous Notes on Of Monsters and Men

--I don't get the title for this episode. Pretentious.

--I think there was some sort of subplot about a Dresden Tryptic but I'm not sure. It was mentioned but never came up again.

--"We could be so much more" Poor Lucy

--3 week break and then I think this season only has 4 or 5 episodes left. Will it be renewed? Hard to say. Numbers aren't steady enough to call.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time in Wonderland (1x7)

One of the most irritating things in television is when a show that you know is going to be cancelled suddenly trots out an exceptionally good episode. Such was the case this week with Once Upon a Time in Wonderland's "Bad Blood." Like the fourth episode of the season, "The Serpent," the focus was on Jafar and it was a really good episode and while I know that ONCEWL isn't going to be outright cancelled so much as only given one season as was intended, this weeks episode showed me what could have been. If present me could hop in a time machine and go back to the past to speak to the writers and creators of ONCEWL, I'd tell them to rewrite the Red Queen totally, never use CGI scenery, and to make Jafar the focus. Naveen Andrews is a great actor and I've known that since LOST, but last night his character of Jafar got the "ONCE" treatment by which I mean that I may have really hated him at the start for being ruthless and merciless, but by the end I felt horrible for him and began to think he was justified in some of his actions. This episode was essentially "A Desperate Soul" from ONCE proper where Rumple's first bit of backstory is given. Our villains are never truly villainous, but rather follow one of the overarching themes both ONCE's have always employed: desperate souls do desperate things. 

Nothing but a Street Rat

The episode opens in Agrabah (as so many of our episodes do) long ago, this time finding Jafar at the deathbed of his mother, Ulima. Little peasant Jafar is begging his mother not to die, to stay with him, but Ulima knows that her time has come. We know very little about Ulima except that she's a healer and that she lied to Jafar about who his father was. The man Jafar thought was his papa died long ago but turns out, Jafar is the son of the Sultan and as a parting gift to Jafar, Ulima give her son a ring that will indicate to the Sultan who he is. Once the Sultan sees this ring, he will take Jafar in and give him a good home and he will be cared for. But naturally, things don't work that way in the ONCEiverse. The Sultan, it turns out, is a bastard. There is just no other way for me to say that. I'm not sure what Jafar represents to him but whatever happened between the Sultan and Ulima, it must have been pretty bad. Jafar insists that he doesn't want to be a Prince, just a son. He's happy just having a father; he doesn't need to be clothed in silks and flippery, he just wants to be loved. But the Sultan takes one look at Jafar and sees a threat to his legitimate son, Mirza.

Mirza is the heir apparent to the throne and this is where we run into maybe the one problem I had with the episode. Jafar isn't actually a threat to the throne, not if he's a bastard boy. I mean, sure, Jafar could grow up and decide to take over the kingdom and fight Mirza for it, claiming to be the true heir since he is the elder. History is full of those situations. But I honestly don't think Jafar wants that. I think he really just wants his fathers love and acceptance. But the Sultan refuses: "I am not your father and you are not my son," he tells Jafar. Instead, Jafar will be a serving boy, a poor orphan the Sultan has taken pity upon. So now Jafar gets pity and the Sultan can be praised as a benevolent leader who takes care of his subjects when they are in dire straights. The relationship between Jafar and Mirza isn't any better. It's a rivalry, though I suspect each one misunderstand what the other is fighting for. If Jafar is fighting for his fathers love and acceptance, Mirza is fighting to make sure he remains the Crown Prince and that Jafar "stays in his place." Mirza is a nasty little boy; after Jafar humiliates him in front of foreign dignitaries, Mirza pays a visit to Jafar where he strikes him in the face several times and reminds Jafar that he is a lowly servant boy. To add insult to injury, the Sultan then shows up and tells Mirza to continue hitting Jafar because someday he will be ruler and his people must fear him. In other words, the Sultan is encouraging physical and emotional abuse on his other child. Back when ONCE's "Think Lovely Thoughts" aired I joked that the writers of the show needed therapy but after tonight's episode I'm convinced they're all nutty. Happy families just don't exist in this universe, do they?

This situation of having Jafar under his roof comes to a head when the Sultan realizes that Jafar will always pose a threat not only to his son but probably to himself. I think there is more to this story than we know. I suspect that Ulmia was more than just a random one night stand with the Sultan. Those happen all time with royal men. But maybe Ulima and the Sultan fell in love and he could not be with her because of her status so, really, Jafar's presence is a reminder of what he had and lost. Am I trying to make the Sultan sympathetic? Maybe. But only because after the beating portion of the episode, the Sultan comes back to Jafar's room and drowns him in a bucket of water. I'm not kidding. He holds down his son's head until Jafar goes limp and lifeless and then proceeds to tell his guards to "throw him out with the rest of the refuse." Did Jafar die? It certainly seemed like it. Let's backtrack and talk about what happened when his mother died. As soon as Jafar's mother passed over the ring to her son, wind started blowing and the second she died some sort of odd glow-y magic thing (I have no idea how to describe this) seemed to settle on young Jafar. And then just before Jafar returned to life after the drowning, the same thing happened: wind, glow-magic thing. Jafar has obviously aged like any other mortal, unlike say Rumple, but can he die? Is this ability tied to the ring his mother gave him?

Jafar, having now been thrown out like garbage, goes about his life like we saw in his previous centric only to return one day, serpent staff in hand, to confront his father. Jafar's demands are simple: it isn't give me your throne, give me your power, make me your heir. It's something that the Sultan can easily do and save not only his life but the life of Mirza: "call me your son." That's it. Just openly acknowledge, not even in public and to your people, that I am your son and that will be that. The Sultan refuses and says once more "I am not your father and you are not my son." I gotta give credit to Naveen Andrews here. The tortured expression on his face when the Sultan refuses to give in was tragic to watch. Even if the Sultan doesn't mean it, if he just said it, everyone would be spared, including Mirza who chose to run away and not fight for his father. Jafar is seen as having bad blood because he is not born of the Sultan and the Sultana, but in the end Mirza's pure blood wasn't enough to stay and fight for his father. And this is, of course, how the Sultan ends up in the cage next to Cyrus. I think we all saw it coming but up until now I've been convinced that the Sultan was a good guy; maybe he didn't know that Jafar was really his son but after this episode the humble, cuddly, poor Sultan-in-a-cage is being placed only slightly below Peter Pan in terms of "father of the year." At least Malcolm let Rumple live! The Sultan actually tried to kill Jafar, and when Jafar in the present day asked if the Sultan had any regrets about their relationship, the Sultan responded with "I only regret that I didn't hold your head under water longer." Wow, but at least now we know what law of magic Jafar wants to break: he wants his father's love. One of the rules of magic is that you can't force someone to love you, but if Jafar can get Cyrus's bottle he can break that law and have his father's love. Are his actions just? It's a very human need, to want someone's love. But does that excuse all the pain and hurt Jafar is causing in the present? Speaking of present day, another father and child duo had a little heartbreaking reunion as well.

The Second Wish

Alice and the Knave, having escaped the Boro Grove, are now nearer to Jafar's palace but run into one small problem: it's on floating island. And lacking wings, Alice and the Knave do the next best thing: birdbark tree. Which apparently floats so that they can make a hot air balloon. Go with it. However, there is another not so small problem that arises: Edwin, Alice's father. He has been brought to Wonderland by Jafar in an attempt to make Alice use her second wish. Alice, as we discovered in the last Jafar centric episode, cannot see people in pain. Alice has a streak of compassion that prevents her from watching anyone she cares about suffer. The tricky thing Jafar discovers is that Alice and her father don't exactly get along. So Jafar's plan to use Edwin to bait Alice won't work if Alice doesn't care about her father. Enter step one of plan: reconciliation. For Jafar to get Alice and Edwin to reconcile, Jafar decides to transform into Edwin with (essentially) a Polyjuice potion. Once "Edwin" stumbles into Alice and the Knave, things are a bit rocky. Alice doesn't want to forgive her father (and she shouldn't) for the way he treated her: like she was crazy, locking her up in the madhouse, never even trying to see her. Sophie Lowe did an amazing job with trying to convey the despair Alice feels about her father's neglect: "I needed you to believe me, to believe in me," she cries. Obviously we are supposed to be drawing a parallel from Alice and Edwin to Jafar and the Sultan. Both have suffered neglect at the hands of their father, both only want to be acknowledged and not treated like an unfortunate burden. Jafar knows just what buttons to push to get Alice to start to be open to her father.

The button is a dragon, but hey...it's a fantasy show. So yes Jafar in an Edwin suit summons a giant dragon which almost eats him but of course Alice steps in, thereby proving that even when he doesn't deserve it, Alice will save her father. Step two of the plan: threaten the real Edwin in front of Alice. Jafar was bound to make a mistake in trying to portray Edwin and when he finally does, Alice catches on and she and Knave go running. Jafar takes this time to collect the real Edwin and then: showdown! I'd love for there to be more showdowns between Alice and Jafar. The Red Queen at this point is more or less a simpering little fool but Jafar is the one I really want to watch. Dangling the real Edwin off his magic carpet, Jafar tells Alice to make her second wish. And this leads to a heartbreaking conversation between the real Edwin and his daughter. He tells her not to do it; he doesn't deserve her mercy or her compassion or anything else. He was a horrible father who blamed Alice for the death of his wife, he locked her in a mad house, and he never believed her fantastical tales. So instead of begging for his life, Edwin decides to give his daughter the one thing she really needs: hope. Edwin tells her that Cyrus has escaped Jafar's palace and is looking for her. This makes Jafar rather unhappy and he left Edwin go, dropping him to the icy depths below. Alice, of course, makes her wish and send her father back home. And, in a truly gut wrenching moment--because all magic comes with a price--Edwin thinks his entire adventure in Wonderland is a dream and all that development between Alice and her father is gone.

And Cyrus, alone on a beach, wakes up knowing that only one wish remains.

Miscellaneous Notes from Bad Blood

--Best episode of the season. Hands down.

--Where do Aladdin and Jasmine fit into Jafar's story? Are they a part of it at all?

--Love the Knave's lines. LOVE that he has Granny's keys in his pocket. And a stale peanut. 

--The bunny jumping through the portal was hilarious. I get the feeling the White Rabbit doesn't actually enjoy doing that.

--Almost no Red Queen but what we did of her wasn't nearly as annoying as in the past.

--Only one wish left and Alice promised that to Knave at the start of the season! 

--Next week is the winter finale. There will only be 13 episodes of Once Wonderland and it will most likely return in the spring for its final 5 episodes. I wish it had done better but I think these last episodes will be great, especially after this one.

In Which I Review Once Upon A Time (3x9)

Regina: I’m not in the business of making deals with you anymore.
Mr. Gold: To which deal are you referring?
Regina: You know what deal.
Mr. Gold: Oh, right. Yeah. The boy I procured for you. Henry. Did I ever tell you what a lovely name that was? However did you pick it?
Regina: Did you want her to come to town? You wanted all this to happen, didn’t you? Your finding Henry wasn’t an accident, was it?
(The Thing You Love Most, 102) 

Since the second episode of season one, the fans of Once Upon a Time have wondered just how Henry, three week old baby Henry, got to Storybrooke. I've seen dozens of theories: Blue Fairy, August, Jefferson, The Darling Brothers, Peter himself. And last night, after two and half years we finally got our answer. This weeks episode, "Save Henry," was all about parents and the choices they make for their children. It focused heavily on Regina and Henry's relationship and how much the Evil Queen loves her son. I'm going to be honest right up front: I was very disappointed in this episode. While it doesn't rank lower than "Good Form," it felt flat and rushed and the parts that were enjoyable were not the main drive of the episode. There were a lot of holes a lot of overly convenient plot devices. It was heavy on the emotions, but low on the substance. There is nothing wrong with a heavy emotional episode, but when the feelings take over and the actual mythos and plot fall short, it's a problem. So yes, we "saved" Henry this week (but not really) and we're (finally) leaving Neverland. 

I'll Take The Baby Behind Door Number Two

All magic comes with a price. When Regina enacted the Dark Curse, using the heart of her father, the consequences would someday come back to haunt her. The casting of the Curse left a hole in Regina's heart, a void that she can't fill with revenge alone. In the final moments before the Curse hits the Enchanted Forest and takes everyone to Storybrooke, Regina and Rumple meet one final time in his cell; Regina wants to gloat and Rumple knows there is one more thing he must impart to his student: someday you will come to me to fill that hole in your heart. Did Regina actually want kids at any point in her life? Well, after Daniel died at least? She's not the motherly type, at least not yet. The only thing that has ever filled that hole in her heart was when little Owen came to town and Regina wanted a new life with someone in it. So Regina's solution in Storybrooke 11 years ago? Get me a baby!

Regina is a bit impetuous. When she wants something, she wants it now. She doesn't want to wait around and go through the rigamarole of red tape and bureaucracy. Regina, sweetie, a child is not a pair of shoes and you can just up and return when you decide they don't fit. So Regina trots over to Gold's shop and tells him that she is unwilling to wait two years on an adoption list. Surely Gold knows how to work the system and get her a baby sooner. Oh, boy. Let's pause and discuss Mr. Gold for a moment. It was established long ago that Gold retained his Cursed memories for all 28 years of the Curse and only woke up when Emma came to town and he heard her say her name in the Pilot. It was only then that Rumple came back. Before then, he was Gold. And yet this episode, it didn't feel like it was Regina and Gold talking, but the Evil Queen and Rumple. Gold was a powerful man, to be sure, but he shouldn't be standing there waiting for Regina to come to him about the baby; he shouldn't be playing mind games with Regina about how "his memory isn't what it used to be." The one time we did meet Mr. Gold in "Welcome to Storybrooke" he was powerful but bent to Regina's will. He recognized that Regina was mayor but in this episode he is standing in his shop waiting for Regina to come to him. Like he knew it was finally time for this moment. Which...makes no sense. If the writers just retconned this series, I am going to be very upset. However, I did love seeing my man in his suits. Oh god, Bobby Carlyle knows how to rock those suits. And his hair was extra fluffy. What's that? I'm supposed to be reviewing, not drooling? Right.

So "Gold" finds a baby boy in Boston. This baby was with a family for a short amount of time but the adoption fell through (suspicious) and now he can be Regina's! This is the first time we've seen Regina leave Storybrooke. Remember, Regina wasn't cursed so she could leave the town without fear, though it is unclear if she retained her magic. Let's talk all the pitfalls of this adoption episode. First off, this is one of the most important stories in the mythos of the ONCEiverse. And...Regina signed a piece of paper and became a mother. That's it. There was no great plot, no other characters outside of whoever Gold actually is right now played any role. We waited two years and this story could have been told at any point. If they didn't throw in the tiny bit at the end with the Darling Brothers (which was clearly only there to tie the story back to the present arc) this flashback could have been in season one or two and not made any difference. All Regina had to do is show up in Boston with a list of references, make some small talk, sign a piece of paper and BOOM, she's Henry's mother. Fate plays a huge roll in this show, but this is going a bit far. There are no home visits, no judges, no inspections? The agent hasn't even heard of Storybrooke! That's not how adoption works! There is a reason why people wait for *years* to get a child and Regina just waltzes into this office and "here's your baby!" There has got to be more here. How did Gold cut through all that red tape? The town doesn't actually exist on any map or on the internet. But the agent is just taking on blind faith that Regina is a mayor of a town that doesn't exist and can't be found? Either I am supposed to suspend disbelief quite a bit or there is something much larger at play. My initial theory involved the Darling Brothers transporting Henry to SB on Pan's orders but it turns out that Pan was just using the Brothers to get Henry as a child; he had nothing to do with the actual adoption. The adoption story was a total and complete let down.

Regina has no idea what she's doing, that's for sure. But, this isn't a case of "I'm the Evil Queen and can't love my child," it's actually very human. She's a first time mom with no help and is struggling to figure out what to do. I'm glad it wasn't easy for her. And I did enjoy how many people tried to help out: Granny, Dr. Whale (with a very different hairstyle in a town where time is frozen and no one changes...), and even Mary Margaret. While it doesn't bother me that Mary Margaret was the one to soothe Henry because clearly the baby was picking up on Regina's own wild emotions, this isn't going to go over well with those portions of the fanbase who constantly accuse the show of being anti-adoption. The show and the writers are often slammed for the fact that they keep trying to make Emma Henry's "real" mother and take him away from this (now) legal mother. So having his biological grandmother able to soothe Henry just by holding him isn't helping this matter. In the end, Regina decides to investigate Henry's birth mother, convinced that something is medically wrong with her baby that he won't stop crying.

The information Regina gets is disquieting. The biological mother of her son is the Savior. Yes, Regina learned about Emma. Something she did not know in the first season. When Regina met Emma in the pilot as Henry's birth mother, she had no clue Emma was the Savior. Now this will all be explained but it was very plot device-y and convenient. Worried that Emma will someday come to get Henry, as Regina knows is suposed to happen, Regina decides to take Henry back to Boston and give him up. Because babies are shoes. And then once back in the agent's office, Regina changes her mind AGAIN. "No he's my son and I 'm keeping him." That's a lot of wasted gas money. So in order to be a good mother to Henry and not worry about Emma, Regina makes a magical "forget" potion that will cause her to forget all her worries about Emma, so she can focus on being a good mom. Holy plot device, Batman! Where did Regina even get this magical potion? And after she took it, how did she not question why she was in her vault in the first place? And honestly, what was even the point of Regina learning about Henry and Emma if she was just going to forget it all? Sloppy writing was what this was. They needed to flesh out Regina and Henry, so they gave us this whole sub plot. You know what would have been better? If we watched Henry grow up with Regina, from a baby to when Henry started questioning his existence. That would have been just as powerful emotionally and really helped answer some questions like why was Henry in therapy before he awoke from the Curse and what was Curse life like for Henry, but instead here's an entire flashback of something that, in the end, doesn't matter.

Freaky Sunday 

Meanwhile, back in Neverland...Henry is lying unconscious in Skull Rock and Peter is beginning to absorb the magic of Neverland. Regina, Emma and Neal have a limited amount of time to get Henry's heart back. I liked that Regina and Emma finally had a bit of a fight over "our son." Regina only has Henry and as time goes on, Emma keeps getting "more." She has her parents, "this person" (in reference to Neal) and "a pirate that pines for you." But all Regina has is her son, so she feels justified in using "my son" in conversation. The first step is to hunt down Pan and get the heart back but they have no idea where he is, not even Neal knows. Emma questions the Lost Boys who are finally fed up with Peter Pan and want to go home--all of them except Felix. Felix is loyal to the very end. If this was Harry Potter, Pan is Voldemort and Felix is Bellatrix. "Pan never fails," after all. The young Lost Boys, after eliciting a promise from Emma to take them all home, tell Emma that Pan is at his Thinking Tree. Cause Peter Pan is also Winnie the Pooh. Emma leaves Henry in Neal's care and she, Snow and Regina go after Pan at his tree....

...where the three women are instantly tied to the Thinking Tree and given a lecture about mothers and sons and daughters and how they all fail. Oh and Pan tells them that Rumple is his son. I'm glad everyone reacted to this with a "wut?" So how does this tree hold everyone? By using their regret. Ok. Sure. Whatever you say, Pan. But Regina regrets nothing. She enacted a curse that damaged an entire land, she's tortured and murdered but she's doesn't regret any of it because it got her Henry. Wow. Well, there goes Regina's whole redemption of this season. Does she even feel remorse for what she has done? Rumple at least feels remorse over some of his actions, which is the first landmark of Redemption Road, but with one fell swoop Regina's redemption arc is gone. Is it keeping in character for her? Yes. But it's not growth. Regina needs to start feeling remorse if she has any hope of ever being redeemed. So using her "no regrets!" power, Regina busts the three women out of the vines and takes back Henry's heart. Yes, it was that easy. Pan collapses and they run off to the Jolly Roger. Which has been miraculously fixed! WHAT?! No seriously, please tell me how this happened. The ship was wrecked at the end of "The Heart of the Truest Believer" and the three people capable of fixing it--Rumple, Regina, and Emma--were tied up (or boxed up) so HOW did the Jolly Roger get fixed? Did the Lost Boys "believe" it back together? *sigh* Frustrating episode is frustrating.

Once back aboard, Regina puts Henry's heart back into his chest and everything is fixed. Emotional reunion, yadda yadda yadda. Then came the best moment of whole episode, something that had nothing to do with Saving Henry. Neal freed his father from Pandora's Box and oh--the reunion. My heart. MY HEART. It was everything I wanted from my two favorite characters. Rumple admitting that he was a terrible father, that he left his son, that he and Pan are alike. And Neal tells him, no you're not. "You can back for me, Papa." And Emma watching the WHOLE thing. Gah. SwanFire feelings. Emma knows why this is a big moment for Neal because it reminds her of her own reunion with her own parents. And Neal and Rumple's SEVERAL hugs inspire Emma to hug her own parents and tell them how grateful she is for them. Best moment of the night, hands down.

Henry, safe and comfy in bed, is visited by a few people. First Regina puts a spell on his heart so it can never be taken. *sigh* Again, wut? Henry's heart could never be taken while it was in him. He had to give it willingly because he has the heart of the truest believer. And even if Regina didn't know this, why is she just NOW putting a spell on his heart? Why not years ago? Regina knows all about hearts being taken so doing this now after his heart was already taken once makes no sense. The second visitor is Peter Pan who can magic himself to anywhere in Neverland. Peter apologizes but still needs Henry's heart. But when he can't get it out, he starts to rip off Henry's shadow. Upstairs on the boat Rumple's spider sense tingles (because Henry is incapable of screaming for help) and he runs down to Henry and manages to trap Peter in the box! "Blood magic works both ways, Father." Burn! That's right. My Imp saved Henry. HA!

But it wouldn't be Once Upon A Time if there wasn't a some big twist. This week's twist is brought to you by "Freaky Friday." Yes, a body swap. Pan is Henry and Henry is Pan. I gotta hand it to Jared Gilmore for being able to be Pan inside Henry's body. He often gets criticized for his acting ability but he nailed the creepiness of Pan well. And so, with the Shadow absorbed into the Jolly Roger's sail (not kidding), Henry trapped in the box as Peter Pan, and Pan wearing a Henry suit, we leave Neverland behind and head back to Storybrooke where Pan and Felix will unleash hell. But whatever. We're going back to Storybrooke with light and Belle and the Rumbelle reunion will probably kill me.

Miscellaneous Notes on Save Henry

--Can we talk about the idiocy of this title? They really named an episode after their hashtag? Or did they name the hashtag after this title?

--"I want a baby and I need your help"
"Well I'm flattered but uninterested"

--Dark One Rumple singing a little song. God, I love that man.

--Of the 9 episodes aired thus far, this one is just above "Good Form," coming in at #8 for me.

--Random Tink and Wendy moment was random. So now we have a little bit of pixie dust and Tink believed in herself enough to make it glow. Will she become a fairy again?

--Hook's continued snark whenever Emma ignores him and asks Neal to do something instead is getting on my last nerves. But I loved that Emma totally ignored his "as you wish, my lady." She don't care about you, fool. Shut up and steer your ship.

--Next week: Rumbelle. That is all.

In Which I Review Dracula (1x5)

In Bram Stoker's Dracula, Renfield is a bug eating crazy bastard. His role, apart from serving his master, is to demonstrate what happens to those who become entangled with the Count. He has no will, no desire, no passion, outside of serving Dracula. So naturally, the TV show Dracula decided to subvert parts of this relationship and make it one of friendship, companionship, while--on some level--maintaining the servant/master relationship. Our Renfield is a lawyer, well spoken, capable, and undeniably loyal. On this weeks episode, "The Devil's Waltz," loyalties are called into question, the hunt for Renfield parallels how the lawyer met the vampire, and Mina begins to fall under Dracula's spell. I'm starting to realize that the appeal of this show isn't the plot, with its magical coolant (giggle), but rather the appeal is wondering who is going to end up in bed with whom. This week I had Mina pegged as going home with both Lucy and Dracula, Lucy going with Blonde Ninja Lady, and Harker standing dumbly around, waiting for Dracula to pull his strings. As usual, this episode was chaotic and messy and whatever Dracula and Harker are doing with the Order was totally irrelevant; it was all about the sexy escapades of our characters. Sail on, you ships. Sail on.

 Poor Mina. No, really. I almost feel sorry for her. In the novel, Mina is to be pitied, slowly being drained of her life by Dracula due to his infatuation. And a lot of that pity is carried over to the television show. Mina is a girl who is supposed to have it all: money, family, reputation, opportunity, love. She is the ideal modern Victorian woman; strong and capable and intelligent, she can stand up to her fiancee and social conventions while at the same time embracing her femininity and the conventional roles her society has dictated are best for her. Mina loves Harker and wants that comfortably controlled life; but at the same time, she can't deny her inner rebel--the one who entered into the medical profession--and her growing attraction to Alexander Grayson. The episode opens with Mina in bed, dreaming of Alexander. Here's a good question: is it really a dream? It seems like it would be a dream; Dracula appears, tells Mina she is making a mistake and that Harker can't make her happy before a heavy make out session occurs. Lucy comes into Mina's room and wakes her, but based on what Dracula's powers are supposed to be, it wouldn't surprise me if he was either really there or had placed himself into her subconscious and is wooing her through dreams. The dream is enough to put Mina on guard, wary of everything Grayson is doing for her and her fiancee. Mina can't help notice that as Dracula elevates Harker in his company that Harker is loosing himself. Harker rejects his old friends, eschewing them for his new shiner, wealthier, better connected friends. Was this Dracula's plan all along? Did he want to drive a wedge between Mina and Harker knowing Harker's ambitions and Mina's desire to be a rebel, but only in so far as she is able to rebel while staying true to her heritage?

The long anticipated engagement party finally arrives and finds Mina worried about her future with Harker. The night before her party and she is dreaming of being in the arms of another man; a man she barely knows but who, upon their first meetings, literally brought light to the dark. (See the light bulbs were a metaphor...) I think Dracula has awakened Mina from her sleepy comfortable life. Mina likes to think of herself as modern and a bit of a rebel, and to an extent she is. It takes courage to enter into a strictly male profession, but it wasn't hard for her to do. She didn't have to claw her way into medical school and thus far we haven't seen her classmates and peers regard as anything less than the best and brightest. If they are uncomfortable or resentful of Mina, it hasn't shown. Her father is a doctor and she is obviously wealthy enough and beloved enough that her father could arrange her entrance into medicine. The real rebellion for Mina is giving into her desires for Grayson. And yes, they danced. Well. Let's be fair. That wasn't a dance. That was sex. That was upright, tension filled, angst driven sex. I honestly expected Dracula to drag Mina off the dance floor, throw her up against a pillar and rip her dress off with his teeth. The two actors don't have that much chemistry, but in this weeks episode, they did their hardest to sell the sexual tension. And it worked, actually. I found myself leaning closer and closer to the screen waiting for the inevitable kiss or declaration of love. And then Harker had to come in and ruin it all. (I did enjoy that in a vision Dracula opened Harker's throat and watched as he bled out for daring to interrupt his sex/dance with Mina). Harker is obtuse but he isn't blind. He saw the chemistry. He saw the heat. And what makes it all the more delicious is that Harker gave Mina to Dracula. He handed her over as "his most precious object" as a gift in thanks. Way to be a tool, Harker. And here you promised Mina that you didn't view her as an object for his disposal.

Lucy noticed the sex/dance too. Lucy, who runs home, tears staining her dress as she realizes that even when Mina wants to rebel and finds herself attracted to someone who isn't Jonathan, it still isn't her. Speaking of Lucy, though, there were some looks passing between her and Ninja. My friend Jo and I decided they are now VixenBoobs. When Ninja and her boobs showed up, she instantly started looking for Dracula. She is utterly in his thrall and he knows it. And he revels in it. I think Dracula might have a sadistic streak (thank God) when it comes to Ninja. He enjoyed breaking her, just for the sheer joy of breaking her. Of course, it can't last forever as even Ninja noticed the heat of the sex/dance. And in the final moments, her cohort (who's name I do not know and only call Monty in my head because of the actor's roll in "The Forsyte Saga") clues Ninja in to the fact that Grayson has never been seen outside in daylight. He only comes out at night. Isn't that peculiar? Deny it all she wants, Ninja might have finally realized that she is sleeping with the enemy (literally). Will she turn on the man she has fallen in love with? What is more important: her heart or her loyalty?

12 years ago, Dracula boarded a train in order to talk to some tycoon of industry wanting to make a deal and buy his company. The deal making went sour, but not before Renfield, working as a bartender on the car train, stepped in with a mouth-full of legalese, assisting Dracula in getting a fair deal. Of course the tycoon and his associates did not like that and proceeded to beat Renfield to a bloody pulp. Dracula, very calmly, took care of them, their blood splashing around Renfield's face. And that is how Renfield came to work for Dracula. Renfield had been a lawyer in America before his race became an issue and he was forced to take work elsewhere. But he is smart and savvy and Dracula takes an instant liking to him. If Renfield will come and work for him, then Dracula will tell him all his secrets and they can be best friends!

Meanwhile in the present day, Renfield was kidnapped by the Gray Lady (no idea what her name is, but it doesn't matter). He is beaten, tortured, poked and prodded for the answer to one question: whom does Alexander Grayson love? Naturally, Renfield refuses to answer, his loyalty to his master is too strong. Dracula does eventually find Renfield by putting his nose to the ground (no, I'm being completely serious. He sniffed him out). Just like he did in the past, Dracula rescues Renfield from his captors and then takes him home and put him to bed, nursing his wounds. Subversion of the master/servant relationship: they actually care for each other, these two. My friend Jo and I decided that they are now DracField. Of all the changes to the Dracula story, this is the one I like. Renfield as a bug eating crazy person was fine in the novel, but getting to explore the friendship between these two is much more satisfying, though I am still bothered that the only person of color on the show thus far is in the servant role. I just said something about this show was satisfying. There must be something in the water.

Miscellaneous Notes on The Devil's Waltz

--The actual PLOT of Harker and Dracula doesn't interest me in the slightest. Some general in the Ottoman Empire who is embezzling money? Meh. Whatever.

--Some seriously odd camera angles in this show. Half the time I thought I was looking up their noses

--Van Helsing continues to try and find a cure to Dracula's sunlight affliction. They got pretty close last night but then their test subject, a young vampire girl, burst into flames. Who wants to bet that Mina is Dracula's cure? They kiss and suddenly he can walk in sunlight.

--During the dance, Dracula began to picture is wife. Pre-Mina was pretty and I would like to know the specifics of how she died. I know it was the order, but how exactly did that come about. 

--For those keeping track of the ships: Mucy (Mina and Lucy), Macula (Mina and Dracula), DracField (Dracula and Renfield), VixenBoobs (Lucy and Ninja), VampireNinja (Dracula and Ninja), VixenPireIna + Coolant (Lucy, Dracula, Mina, and the magical coolant). This is really the best part of the show.